I found RP about a year ago. Asked some beginner questions at first, decided to put my head down, keep quiet, read and own my shit. I have been planning to post a year in FR. I'll do that when I have some time. I've made a lot of progress and learned many things. Still have a long way to go.
There is more info in my OYS posts if interested.
Summary (lots of improvement since finding MRP)
Me 40 years old, 6'4", 235 LB (low since jr. year of HS)
Lift consistently, played college football, and have strong build by any measure
High level BJJ belt and play in sports league
BF about 17% - starting to see ribs and a hint of abs
Own a company will take home very good money
Been together 20 years, married 14
Improvement in my life has been huge over the past year. Overall life happiness, having a MAP and goals, leading my family and my company bring me joy and satisfaction. Relationship has done almost a 180. Found MRP while googling for divorce lawyers. I've put in hard work, and my wife has followed in many ways as well as lead in others to improve herself mentally and physically. Going to therapy and working through some things.
We had good sex less than a week ago, and probably average 1-2 times a week.
Problem: Hard no for 3rd day in a row yesterday. I don't believe these are the standard, I'm not attractive enough Nos. I've certainly gotten those, and I will continue to improve myself. I will have a fulfilling sex life, with or without her.
These are after flirting throughout the day. She is clearly in to it. For example, she texted during the day Friday saying she wanted me in bed with her later. She told me earlier this week that I was hotter than any guy at an event she was at. I'm not saying I'm that awesome, but I'm not some fat slob she is repulsed by any more. She hugs me randomly, is affectionate with me during the day, seeks my attention.
The no's come after we are actively engaging in foreplay. She just goes cold. I sensed it for the 3rd day in a row, and disengage. Last night after I tried to not be butthurt and go to sleep she told me that she is surfacing some issues in therapy related to abuse when she was a child. Thoughts are popping in to her head when we escalate toward sex. This has happened off and on during our relationship. Recently, it seems worse.
If this was going on when we were dating, I would probably next her. But she is the mother of my kids, a good first officer, and I love her. I want her to get through this and be able to have a fulfilling sex life. She feels like she is letting me down, but just can't. She offered a BJ, I declined. It would have been sad.
My question is how do move toward my goal of a health sex life? Is this a situation for comfort? Or do I remove time and attention?
Last night, after too much feelings and DEERing. I just hugged her until she fell asleep.
This morning I'm wondering if I'm a beta bitch or autistic that I even have to ask about whether I should comfort someone I love who is working through deep issues.
Help me out MRP.
Update With More info I have known about the trauma for years. When she was 9 a POS extended family member molested her. I don't know the graphic details but what I gather, it was touching, and exposure a seeing an adult male naked multiple times. The worst part for her, was that her family wouldn't acknowledge what happened and she was forced to be around this person for years at family gatherings. She has had severe triggers over the years when she feels like I won't speak up for her, I'm sure because her Dad did not speak up and protect her from this dotard.
Thanks for the input so far. I wanted to clarify it was this nature not a previous relationship trauma.
Probably the real issue, knowing her problems are hers to solve. I'm still very dependent on sexual validation. I hide it as best I can. Some times not very well. I need to get to the bottom of this. She could tell me I'm hot, flirt with me all day. But if we don't seal the deal, I'm empty and hurt. It isn't just the enjoyment of sex. There is a hole in my self esteem. Probably due to my childhood issues. Fuck that, I'm a grown man, but I don't know how to get past that hurt when rejected. It has fueled my recent weight loss and other things. Best guess, is that it will just take time.