706,399 posts

To give support or not?

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September 24, 2017
8 upvotes

I found RP about a year ago. Asked some beginner questions at first, decided to put my head down, keep quiet, read and own my shit. I have been planning to post a year in FR. I'll do that when I have some time. I've made a lot of progress and learned many things. Still have a long way to go.

There is more info in my OYS posts if interested.
Summary (lots of improvement since finding MRP)

  • Me 40 years old, 6'4", 235 LB (low since jr. year of HS)

  • Lift consistently, played college football, and have strong build by any measure

  • High level BJJ belt and play in sports league

  • BF about 17% - starting to see ribs and a hint of abs

  • 2 daughters

  • Own a company will take home very good money

  • wife 41

  • Been together 20 years, married 14

Improvement in my life has been huge over the past year. Overall life happiness, having a MAP and goals, leading my family and my company bring me joy and satisfaction. Relationship has done almost a 180. Found MRP while googling for divorce lawyers. I've put in hard work, and my wife has followed in many ways as well as lead in others to improve herself mentally and physically. Going to therapy and working through some things.

We had good sex less than a week ago, and probably average 1-2 times a week.

Problem: Hard no for 3rd day in a row yesterday. I don't believe these are the standard, I'm not attractive enough Nos. I've certainly gotten those, and I will continue to improve myself. I will have a fulfilling sex life, with or without her.

These are after flirting throughout the day. She is clearly in to it. For example, she texted during the day Friday saying she wanted me in bed with her later. She told me earlier this week that I was hotter than any guy at an event she was at. I'm not saying I'm that awesome, but I'm not some fat slob she is repulsed by any more. She hugs me randomly, is affectionate with me during the day, seeks my attention.

The no's come after we are actively engaging in foreplay. She just goes cold. I sensed it for the 3rd day in a row, and disengage. Last night after I tried to not be butthurt and go to sleep she told me that she is surfacing some issues in therapy related to abuse when she was a child. Thoughts are popping in to her head when we escalate toward sex. This has happened off and on during our relationship. Recently, it seems worse.

If this was going on when we were dating, I would probably next her. But she is the mother of my kids, a good first officer, and I love her. I want her to get through this and be able to have a fulfilling sex life. She feels like she is letting me down, but just can't. She offered a BJ, I declined. It would have been sad.

My question is how do move toward my goal of a health sex life? Is this a situation for comfort? Or do I remove time and attention?
Last night, after too much feelings and DEERing. I just hugged her until she fell asleep.

This morning I'm wondering if I'm a beta bitch or autistic that I even have to ask about whether I should comfort someone I love who is working through deep issues.

Help me out MRP.

Update With More info I have known about the trauma for years. When she was 9 a POS extended family member molested her. I don't know the graphic details but what I gather, it was touching, and exposure a seeing an adult male naked multiple times. The worst part for her, was that her family wouldn't acknowledge what happened and she was forced to be around this person for years at family gatherings. She has had severe triggers over the years when she feels like I won't speak up for her, I'm sure because her Dad did not speak up and protect her from this dotard.
Thanks for the input so far. I wanted to clarify it was this nature not a previous relationship trauma.

Probably the real issue, knowing her problems are hers to solve. I'm still very dependent on sexual validation. I hide it as best I can. Some times not very well. I need to get to the bottom of this. She could tell me I'm hot, flirt with me all day. But if we don't seal the deal, I'm empty and hurt. It isn't just the enjoyment of sex. There is a hole in my self esteem. Probably due to my childhood issues. Fuck that, I'm a grown man, but I don't know how to get past that hurt when rejected. It has fueled my recent weight loss and other things. Best guess, is that it will just take time.


Post Information
Title To give support or not?
Author redPillOnHard
Upvotes 8
Comments 22
Date 24 September 2017 02:56 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205392
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/725glo/to_give_support_or_not/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
hard nobutthurtMAPbetalift
Comments

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

Here's the thing though. Her issues are real. But the feels she gets by clinging to them are also real. And if you enable those feels, you reinforce her having those feels.

Support, but dont enable. Make sure your boundary is there. It's her issue to work out, and she needs to know that while you support her, you also need her to get past it because going cold, quite often, before sex isn't going to cut it.

[–]redPillOnHard[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Thanks for this reply. I like this tact. I can be supportive, but clear that she needs to work it out because I won't settle for shitty sex long term. I think a little active dread will also help her get out of her head on past issues and let the hamster work on current concerns.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I came here to say this. I'll add to it, give freely and because you can. If you want to give comfort, give comfort. But don't do it because you have some expectation of her coming back to your bed. /u/GargantuaBlarg29 hits the nail on the head. You need to be the oak in her storm of emotions.

Set expectations about her mental health. Just like we would expect a loved one to go get cancer fixed, or a broken arm cast, we can set the same expectations for mental health. We also have an obligation to not foster codependency and drive them towards treatment.

I just hugged her until she fell asleep.

Give her what she needs, not what she thinks she wants. Ultimately you need to realize she may never get past this, and are you willing and capable of accepting that?

The other side of this is, don't be capatain-sav-a-ho. Many men decide they want to fix a bitch because they don't want to face their own demons. You're mission is still paramount. Leadership inspires.

[–]redPillOnHard[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for this. I need to be aware of the covert contract in my head

[–]freshona5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

This morning I'm wondering if I'm a beta bitch or autistic that I even have to ask about whether I should comfort someone I love who is working through deep issues.

The latter. This place has that effect on you. If YOU think she needs comfort and YOU want to give it, you're not a beta bitch. I have hopes that the men who get to the point that they need to wonder about this, have enough sense and experience to recognize that this is more of a guideline, not a firm rule.

Sexual hangups resulting from trauma take time, and there's relatively little you can do about them, besides being there. And you know, being awesome. These things are a good test of the "you're not responsible for her feelings"-idea. She won't curl up into a ball and die because you talk about things, even hard things. Hell, most people are so afraid of their trauma, that to see someone else be able to handle their shit, gives them more confidence to deal with it themselves.

[–]BobbyPeru3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

she told me that she is surfacing some issues in therapy

This is often a short term risk of therapy. It can bring strong stuff to the surface. If she has a good therapist, they are monitoring it closely and backing off or getting through where necessary.

dont try to fix this. They opened up some doors in therapy, and they should know how to close them or help heal them. Your job is to be patient.

[–]TotesMessenger2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

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[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Actually, the solution is to drop her off at the looney bin and go for hookers and blow

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

NOT

Dread and Bodyfat

you will not make headway on this game of feelz with her past Your drunk captainess is your problem

You refuse to look @ the equation of 1 month to 1 year of the tow rope

Want more traction ? Up the dread, but increase comfort

Remove time and attention

You and many other posters are mindgfucking the whole counseling sessions and excuses. You have been with her 20 years, you have been drunk for too long, and your only solution is to operate @ Dread Level 5 or more, and keep drilling down your BF

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The no's come after we are actively engaging in foreplay.

This is the ultimate cruel game that women play and make no mistake: It IS a game to her. She is playing the how far can I take it before my husband loses his shit game.

It's definitely a Wargame- and the only winning move is not to play. If my wife decided in the god damn middle of sex that she suddenly wasn't into it I would probably ignore her completely for a week and I would likely spend that week flirting and talking to girls on my own time and probably spend a few hours at the whore house just to top it off.

Or you could just lay in bed butthurt.

surfacing some issues in therapy related to abuse when she was a child.

Oh fuck me already. I am so sick of these excuses.

she feels like I won't speak up for her

Speak up for her then. Tell her that you ARE going to have sex right now because that is what you want and you are speaking up to her as her husband.

Consider for a moment how this fragile little creature has no problem bullying, tantalizing and punishing, angering and hurting her husband repeatedly. If anything, she gets a power rush out of her denial games.

Am I trying to piss you off. You're god damn right. This fragile snowflake has been pushing you around like a mother with her hand on the ear of a 3 year old while you are TERRIFIED that you might hurt her hand if you somehow manage to pry her fingers off. Except this MOTHER doesn't have you by the ear- she has you by the balls.

My advice is to grab her by the thumb and rip that hand off your crotch immediately.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

OP, you are not giving yourself enough credit here. You are further along in your journey than you think, it is only you who doesn't know this yet.

Your wife is actually dealing with her past issues, take that as a huge positive. She is not hiding behind it, or denying it, she is actively working on the problem.

To me it sounds like she is opening up to you as she 100% trusts you, not fearing your judgement, you are her oak.

Comfort and availability are your go to moves here.

[–]SgtSilverBack2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was with a girl once whose boyfriend had choked her out and kept fucking her while she was passed out. The first night I wrapped my hand around her throat and she shutdown telling me that story.

I let it go, didn't push it and then slowly touched her neck, gently. I did that for weeks. Then I'd wrap my hand around gently for weeks. Then more pressure for weeks. I was able to choke her and she loved it. I had to train her to trust me. That I could control myself and that I wasn't her past experience.

You have gotten better and OYS. See if you can get some idea of what happened and take your time to desensitize her to that trauma and re-associate you to positive things. It will take time and patience, however, if you care for her like you said and she otherwise adds value that you want then help lead her out of the trauma.

[–]nooomaam0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You need to get yoru head out of yoru ass, and take that shit down a notch. it sounds like you've driven a wedge between you and your wife, she probably feels disconnected and shut down, and is just trying to make you happy. Is that what you were looking for?

A broken ass wife? Good god, it's like you're looking for an excuse to abuse her by triggering all this shit that she is expecting to depend on you emotionally for strength.

[–]nooomaam0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Talk to your fucking wife, dude. Either you're a team or it's you.

[–]trpbritguy-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she's going cold in foreplay/between foreplay and intercourse.. Cut the foreplay out, gob full of spit on your hand, wet your dick and get in there!



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