This is my first time posting, I have been here and at married red pill reading and learning for over a year.
It has taken me a year of hard work, self-evaluation and red pill awareness to realize I am and have been a pussy of epic proportions my entire life. Think about that, how far down does one need to be that after a year of daily reading, researching, and just plain “figuring shit out”, that he is only to the point of realizing that he is a pussy and just beginning to understand what might be required to build himself into the person he wants to be. The cool part, “I’m pretty excited to be where I am today.”
This has been a long two year process since the beginning of the end of my marriage. I’m pissed because looking back, I wish I didn’t waste the two years but I really think the process of the hurt, anger, loss, realization, and learning must take place to get to this point. I have been married 15 years, with her for 17. We have no kids of our own. She had a son from a previous marriage who was 8 when I met her and I have tried to raise him and love him as my own. He is now 26 years old and we have an amazing relationship, I am and will continue to be his dad and his son’s grandfather. Nobody gets to take that from me. Before shit went sideways, I thought I had the perfect marriage, we used to make fun of our friends to ourselves because of their shitty marriages. We had what they could only hope for. Yep, unicorn city! I will list some of the highlights as bullets to shorten this up.
• After 15 years of marriage and never going out or drinking, girls night out with suspect single and separated coworkers is reason for alarm. I was a pussy.
• Catching her sneaking clothes out of the bedroom before she thinks you’re awake and putting them in the car before work is a sign. I was a pussy.
• My lovely wife made me cupcakes for our anniversary and pulled two out of the batch to take to the girls at work. I woke up in the night looking for something to eat, when I opened the fridge I found the cupcakes that were in a plain bag for the girls were now in a Victoria Secrets bag with I love you wrappers. I was a pussy.
• After watching the super bowl last year I checked emails and noticed an email hung up in the sent folder. I opened it up and found a picture of him and her together with a reply, “no I love you more.” I was a pussy. Of course this was one week after I asked her if she was seeing someone and she told me I was crazy to suggest it.
• When I tried to reason with her for months that she was making a mistake, hurting our marriage, we can fix this. I was a pussy.
• When I took her on romantic weekend get-a-way with hundreds of dollars of roses waiting for her in the room when we arrived. I was being a pussy.
• I took her to a nice restaurant that night a got down on my knee in front of all to propose my love to her again. She said yes but her fake smile and look of disgust told me her true feelings. I was a pussy.
• When she took a two day away job interview but then never mentioned the results of the interview. It was supposed to be 3.5 hours away, she doesn’t realize I checked her cars mileage before she left and she either stayed somewhere close or rode with someone else. I was a pussy.
• When she took a weekend hiking trip with a girlfriend but somehow forgot to get any pictures of the girlfriend. I was a pussy.
• A good friend of mine passed away quickly and unexpectedly and I spent day after day in the hospital with him alone because she couldn’t be bothered to go and she was to busy to attend the funeral. At the funeral, his daughter from out of state said she needed my address because her dad had some things he wanted me to have. I told my wife about it and she asked if it was money to which I said no. Two weeks later I get a text from her saying I opened your mail by mistake. I replied what mail with no response. When I got home I found the opened envelope with an awesome letter his daughter wrote me about how much my friend cared for me, etc. At the bottom it said my dad wanted you to have this….it was a check for $10,000. My wonderful wife was standing behind me and leaned in and said, you know half of that is mine, its marital assets. I gave her $5,000. I’m such a pussy…
What is not listed is the hours upon hours of crying, begging, fighting that I have gone through. This process has been going on close to two years, my wife has not shed one tear. It doesn’t talk about that fact that I just accepted that she didn’t want any more kids even though I did and somehow that got turned into my decision and my fault. What’s not listed is all the shame and guilt that is put on me every time she opens her mouth and I never realized it…until now. Not listed is how all of this has been turned around to be my fault, I am the reason for all of this. I was told I was crazy for so long I believed it to the point that I was close or as close as I ever want to be to suicidal. We went to marriage counseling, she never went back after the first time. I went for months. I became angry and yelled and even added two nice holes to the sheetrock which I’m not proud of.
It hit me one day after she said, our marriage is where it’s at because of both of us.” That is when I realized everything bad I had done (angry, yelling, etc) was because I was afraid of losing her and everything she had done bad (see above) was because she was not afraid of losing me.
So now I sit in my apartment that is barely furnished while my wife is at our lake home as I try to navigate the end of this marriage with the least amount of loss possible. The weird thing is, not all the time or not every day but some of the time, I’m happy!! Like really happy. My mind and emotions are at rest. The shame and guilt for not meeting unattainable expectations are not chipping away at me piece by piece. I don’t have to actively watch my wife cheat on me. I am making decisions for me and with my best interest in mind for maybe the first time in my life. Things like confidence, self-esteem, drive, passion are entering my body and mind and those are feelings that I have not known in a very long time if ever.
The things that matter to me now…..my son and grandson, my lifting and fitness, building my mind to become unstoppable in anything I want to accomplish. Building my personal wealth so that I will do everything in life that I want to do. Living life for me and being absolutely okay if someone else doesn’t agree with how I do that. I am fairly confident that I will not marry again and that is okay.
In the beginning I said let my story be your lesson, so what is that lesson? I don’t really know but….if any of my story can shed light, open eyes, or help in any way possible, than use it as your lesson and know that this process can have a positive ending. My story will not end on a bar stool, or with suicide, or severe depression. My story will end with me grinding every single day to better myself for me and it has taken over a year to get to today. For the first time I don’t feel so much like a pussy.