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Wife gifting younger single male friend

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September 13, 2017
11 upvotes

Long time lurker, first time poster...created this account just for here. While I am reasonably sure of my action/choice going forward, I am looking for y'alls outside perspective on this before I go all Rambo.

First off, yes I lift...rehabbing disc and rotator cuff injuries. SL 5x5 current numbers: ohp 105, bench 155, squat 155, dl 260, row 135. 6 ft, 202, 22% bf...upping cardio. Dropped 40 lbs in last 9 months. Have read sidebar.

Now for my question. I recently found out that my wife has been giving a birthday presents to one of her younger (by 10 years) single male co-workers. I know that this shouldn't bother me, but it does. Especially since she hasn't remembered my birthday eight of the last 10 years (Yes I need to work on letting it go). I am struggling with setting a boundary here without looking butthurt, especially since she is being sneaky about the gifts (e.g. she doesn't know that I know). Any suggestions? I know that I should just let it go and laugh it off while hitting the iron but I just can't get past it.

Ok, have it and fire for effect.


Post Information
Title Wife gifting younger single male friend
Author 101016lost
Upvotes 11
Comments 48
Date 13 September 2017 07:33 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205480
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6zt33u/wife_gifting_younger_single_male_friend/
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butthurtlift
Comments

[–]BobbyPeru16 points17 points  (12 children) | Copy

You First off, with the numbers you put up there, you're almost definitely over 25% BF. You'd be better off increasing lifting than cardio. Add a day or 2 of squats. (edit- or other lifting since you have back issues ) . It will add muscle quickly and speed up your metabolism. Shoot for +5 lbs / week until you plateau.

Secondly, ignore it. Like you said, you will just look butthurt and possibly mate guarding. Nothing good comes from addressing it. Her actions are merely telling you you have a lot of work to do.

Keep a loose eye on their relationship though. Don't get obsessed- trust but verify. Don't say a word.

Let it go for now. Go take it out on lifting heavy objects.

Focus on becoming the best man you can be.

How's that sidebar coming?

[–]Aaren_Augustine5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nothing good comes from addressing it.

A handful of years of arguments with the wife should show just how ineffective that route really is.

[–]mountainbiker1781 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ive had good success with stronglifts 5x5

[–]101016lost[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you. Revisiting wisnifg and nmmng. Will continue to take it out on the iron

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

I agree with smokecheck, that you should address it before it weakens your frame any further, but I think a little more context is needed.

How did you find out she's buying him gifts? How far is she going to actually "hide" this behavior from you? How do you know she doesn't buy gifts for all of her co-workers? How expensive are the gifts? Like, a $100 watch, or a 5 dollar gag gift?

My response is based on worst case scenario that she is actively hiding it from you, he is the only one she buys gifts for, and they are quality gifts that are personal to him. I'm also assuming there is no evidence of cheating and shady behavior and it's just the gift thing.

First things first, you need to be completely emotionless when you talk to her about it. This isn't about you being worried about her cheating, or leaving or any of that shit. This is a boundary that you want to make her aware of, and nothing more. I like to put myself in caveman times for these kinds of scenarios. Say you're part of a tribe, with limited resources, and your wife is giving resources to another male in the tribe. That's unacceptable and will have a negative impact on you, and your family. Now I'm sure your not starving or eating rats for dinner, but the same logic applies.

When you discuss it, don't tell her what to do, or tell her she has to stop, just tell her you won't stick around while she continues giving special present's to other guys. Also, don't make it about this guy, keep it as broad and general as you can, don't mention him by name, ask anything about him or give any indication you actually care about this dude at all. From your point of view, she is more than welcome to give this guy all the gifts she wants, but she'll be doing it as a single woman.

Second, when she brings up "but it's 2017, men and women can be friends! Stop controlling me!" Just reaffirm that she is free to do what she wants, and so are you according to your personal beliefs and boundries.

No woman has ever lost respect for a man who shows he understands the true nature of women, and makes sure he doesn't fall for any of the bullshit. Women do not do nice things for guys they don't respect and find attractive, I'm sure you know that by now. Don't tell her that though, say as view words as possible, state your boundary and let her decide which man she values more. If she continues, be ready to drop her ass.

Again though, context is important in all of this. If my girl has a guy friend at work and they exchange cheap gifts for birthdays, and she's not actively hiding it, but never beings it up, that's one thing, if she is actively hiding things and buying him thoughtful, personal and quality gifts, I think you need to call out that bullshit.

Remember though, don't try to change her behavior, just let her know your boundaries. Women respect men who have boundaries because all women know they are sneaky bitches and will take a mile if you give them an inch.

[–]101016lost[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Thank you. I appreciate response. You've given me something to consider. However as others have pointed out I might be better off for now waiting to avoid defcon 1.

I am revisiting wisnifg...

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Several other folks, including myself have asked for additional context in regards to the situation. From what I can tell you have provided none.

Why not? We are responding and trying to offer applicable advice.

The questions are simple:

How expensive? How often? Other men/people? How did you find out? How long has it been happening?

The answers to these questions will greatly impact the advice you get.

[–]101016lost[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Gifts range from freebies to $25ish self-medication. Looks like it's been going on for about a year-and-a-half. With just one guy. Pieced it together through odd receipt, observations and listening to her and mutual friends

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

self-medication

What is self-medication? Is that like Advil or something? Is the guy handicapped? Could she be performing some motherly duty to him. Seems odd.

IDK, still need more context, either way I think the advice of "work on yourself" and not concern yourself with what the wife is doing is the only applicable advice for you at this point.

[–]Nec_sorte_Nec_fato1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What is self-medication? Is that like Advil or something? Is the guy handicapped? Could she be performing some motherly duty to him. Seems odd.

Seems like OP doesn't want to give enough info to get solid advice - very odd indeed.

[–]470_2_700_nm4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

My calculations show you have steadily run a little over 500 calorie per day deficit over the last 9 months. This is awesome and very sustainable. KEEP GOING with this and the gym until you are below 12%.

It is my experience that all the time in the world spent on mate guarding and verifying her fidelity is not worth it because it simultaneously ruins your frame (by undermining your core foundation of you being your own mental point of origin) while overtly showing her you are insecure. If you don't like it you should tell her straight up and leave it at that. No acusations, nothing. Just that it does not sit well with you. But you are asking us about this so you are likely still a pussy.

The most important peice of advice I can give you, is to get down to 12% body fat.

At that point, this shit gets a lot easier man. Women start to glance or even stare at you where before it was likely creepy for you to have your shirt off.

[–]101016lost[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank You. Next step goal is 190 working towards 180

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Some dude already posted this. She's fucking him, and the guy is already divorced.

[–]smokecheck19764 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy

Now for my question. I recently found out that my wife has been giving a birthday presents to one of her younger (by 10 years) single male co-workers. I know that this shouldn't bother me, but it does. Especially since she hasn't remembered my birthday eight of the last 10 years (Yes I need to work on letting it go).

Any part of this by itself isn't a huge problem. All taken together, it is a problem. I'm going to go against most of the advice here, because you have something that is going to be a festering sore on the relationship unless you take action to correct it. Mate guarding is when you react to some other man's advances upon your wife, and that isn't (or does not seem to be) the case here.

Call her to you one day, present what you know to her (there are no secrets in marriage) and ask her honestly how she values the relationship to you. Ask her why she doesn't get gifts for you, she may have evaluated that you don't place a great value on gifts. You can speak to her of your concern that these gifts may be inappropriate for to be giving to her co-worker. If nothing else, you at least have an answer to work with.

I am struggling with setting a boundary here without looking butthurt, especially since she is being sneaky about the gifts

This is why you tell her and talk to her. It isn't just the gifts, it's the acting guilty about it. You can tell her it's a specific boundary. She should understand that violating boundaries and being sneaky damages relationships.

I just can't get past it.

Hence why you WILL have to address it, and you gain nothing by waiting.

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

Mate guarding is when you react to some other man's advances upon your wife, and that isn't (or does not seem to be) the case here.

What's it called when you want to fend off your wife's actual or suspected advances to another man, which does appear to be the case here?

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Its called "serving divorce papers."

[–]smokecheck19764 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

It's called drawing a boundary. What his wife is doing is bothering him. She also knows it would bother him so she is being sneaky. He does have a choice, though. Investigate her activities further, and file for divorce when he has proof of her infidelity in hand, and start a divorce from a strong position is option one. The second option, if he wants to save the marriage, is to confront her, not in an argumentative way, with what he knows and how he feels about it, and then listen to her.

Either way, he needs to stay squeaky clean on his end. How stupid would it be if he caught her cheating, cheated himself and she showed up to court with proof of it? Pretty damned stupid if you ask me.

[–]straius1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're drawing a narrative you have no information to support. wait for some details. For all you know, he's been such a whinny bitch that she hides it from him because dealing with his insecurity isn't worth the trouble for an activity she does with many friends, multiple times a year. For all we know, she may not even be hiding it from him and that may just be his hamster.

Jumping to a "she's cheating" narrative right now says more about your insecurities and fears than OP's story.

[–]smokecheck19760 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

That's very true. It's why I suggested just talking to her about it when he has emotions in check. At the same time, If you know your partner is being insecure then you have to do what you have to do, but keep things above board with them.

[–]straius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're on the right track, but your specifics are basically DEERs in the first comment and you focus on the other dude too much. Cholomite's comment covers all the bases.

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Being a faggot. (Not in the literal sense)

[–]101016lost[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Working on boundaries. Revisiting wisnifg. Not ready to jump on the divorce train. Still doing MAP. Recognize that it is a possible outcome

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah I mean at this point, you need your whole ship to become tight, and then at that point realize she is on a 1000 ft rope. She will either pull herself up to the ship one arm length at a time, or not.

Of course there is value in continuing the marriage, but for now, build your brand to 90 - 100% of what it can be, and if that's not enough, who cares mother fucker? You're free and will be swimming in hot wet pussy!

But for now, get to where your brand is 90 -100% tops. Own all of your shit. You may be surprised how much she begins to pull on that "ahem" rope. That has been my experience.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'll try and add some value to this low value thread that some of the other members have not already said and that is:

Who fucking cares if she remembers your B-Day or not. You know what I do for my B-Day - whatever I want to do. I do not expect my wife, or kids to make me cards, or give me presents (however they do) and I do not expect my wife to make dinner plans or B-Day plans for me.

That is my job. It is my B-Day - My day, and I will do what I think if fun for me, and if I want to include the family then so be it.

Last year I had three birthday parties. One 1:1 with my Daughter at American Girl, One 1:1 with my Son at the Lego Store, and then dinner with the wife. I coordinated it all. It was fun for me to get 1:1 time with each of my crew because life gets crazy busy with kids sports, work, travel, etc.

The 1:1 time is important, and reminds my crew that I value each and every one of them.

My wife has no male friends other than her male family members and MY male friends, and no male orbiters and sure as hell does not gift any other men presents for their birthdays. Those boundaries were established two decades ago when I proposed to her.

Your lifts are shit. Your BF is shit, if you really did loose 40 pounds, then good for you, but holy shit man you really were a fat dude.

Focus on you. You wife is already probably fucking the other guy, so if you don't have kids maybe you need to eject.

You add no detail on how long the gifting has been going on, how long she has worked there, etc. Has she been doing this for years? Your fucked. A new thing? Time to get your lines in the sand draw because she is walking all over you.

[–]101016lost[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Recognize that I'm a steaming pile of poo, working on firming it up. I ain't a spring chicken either.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Would help to know how you found out. There is very little detail here about your relationship. All I know is you're a novice lifter and your wife forgets your birthday. With that, I will say your strategy is to continue getting in shape. Your strategy is Dread. For now, focus on the 12 Levels of Dread. You would be wise to improve yourself through these steps before you decide what to do about this situation. It will become less significant to you because you will be prepared to handle it. Swallow that pain you are feeling and take that energy to the gym.

[–]101016lost[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Taking it out on the iron has been part of the therapy

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Are you talking one present each year?

And why does it bother you? Cause she forgets yours or do you think there is more to their relationship?

Need to know more about her, you and him.

And what is she giving?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

A wife does not purchase ANY kind of gifts for a single man she is not related to by blood or marriage.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

how many times have you forgot her birthday ?

Mate guarding is unattractive. It will add to your unattractiveness as well.

Notice how her forgetting of your birthday in the past never triggered anything ? But now, your hamster runs.

You leaving a lot of Shit out. OYS

[–]straius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Worry less about the butt hurt and worry more about enforcing a boundary. That is unless this has been a recurring fight and the reason she's hiding it from you is a history of constant butt hurt about things like this.

Your post doesn't really give enough detail for you to get the advice you're seeking.

[–]Bedtimeshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"I'm not going to tell you what to do but Buying gifts for some guy while you have forgotten my birthday quite a few times is telling me all I need to know and the fact that you are hiding this tells me that you know that." Period... that is the boundary. If she doesn't immediately fix this shit then drop her, move on, and keep improving.



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