I deleted my old account "Prarrott". The last year has been one of the craziest of my life, and as I felt around in the dark trying to figure out who I am and what to do about my broken marriage, I put some thoughts and details here that I chose to erase.
A year ago I found the red pill. It was shortly after the birth of my third child. The conception of this child was unintentional, and happened during one of the handful of times a year my wife and I would have sex. My wife seemed to despise me, she did not want to spend time with me, she did not respect me. She certainly didn't seem attracted to me. Common story here.
I dived into the RP. Its maxims and theories made sense of all my failures and accidental successes with women throughout my life. I was so far from the ideal person that lives out these maxims, so I greatly struggled to properly implement them in my life - particularly in my marriage.
This is where I thank many of you for helping me along, helping me understand, steering me away from and helping me conquer many of my weaknesses. You smashed me, but you rooted for me. Many of the things you helped me see have gone down deep and will stay with me.
As I look back, my problem was this --- I needed sex to fulfill me. To make me feel like a man. It wasn't even necessarily with my wife, but I was unwilling to leave her at the time because of reasons I laid out (primarily my children, financial situation, and my faith - in that order at the time). Since she was the only one I could have sex with, I was constantly angling for it and I could never quite set aside the anger at its absence.
As I swallowed the pill I began to generate, and be able to notice, interest from other women. I started to foster this by looking into PUA literature. I became fascinated with the game. Attracting women was something I had never been able to do efficiently, and I didn't know what to do when I realized I had attracted one. As I continued to struggle to get a positive response from my wife, I pursued this even further. It was validation I hadn't had in years. Even thought I wasn't having sex, it was working for the time being to make me feel like a man.
The end of last October was the first time I kissed another girl. I met her and, with my new found "powers" could tell right away she was interested and I started to escalate. She knew I was married and didn't care, that blew my mind. Though I felt bad about the kiss afterwards, it was extremely validating.
Starting at the beginning of this year, I began to pursue other women more intentionally. I ended up kissing 8 other women. What I didn't reveal here is that I went further, and got BJ's from two of them toward the end of this journey.
As many of you know, my wife discovered this behavior at the beginning of June. She knew I had been shady, to say the least, but didn't seem to care. I confessed to kissing other girls. We separated. I thought my marriage was over, and began to plan as such. I was broken by my behavior and lack of self control, and that I had not been able to fix my marriage, and that I was compromising time with my children, etc. But, I was content to move on from this marriage to greener pastures in love and sex.
My wife came back a week later and told me she wanted to try and work out the marriage. I decided that I owed it to my children to give it one more shot. So long as she said she wanted to make changes, I would stick around to see what they would be. One last go at it. As Jerry Seinfeld says, breaking up is often like pushing over a coke machine.... you can't get it on the first push, you have to rock it back and forth a few times.
What I experienced over the next few weeks was unexpected, to say the least. My wife began to change drastically. She admitted she had been possibly clinically depressed for three years at least. She took more responsibility for having "driven" me to my behavior than I would have ever expected or asked of her. I owned my behavior completely, she did not make me do anything. But she was willing to accept her part in our failed marriage, she owned it, and began to move away from it and toward me. I gave up that lifestyle I created on the side, and deleted all those contacts. I repented and returned to my faith.
After a few weeks, the rest of the story (the oral sex) began to weigh extremely heavily on me. I was trying my best to take that to my grave as my secret. Those girls both lived in different states, and I never saw them again. I knew they had no interest in contacting me. I could keep it a secret if I wanted. But I decided I didn't want to, frankly I couldn't do it. If my wife was going to make these drastic changes and put herself out there to try and make this marriage work, she deserved to know the whole truth. If she was going to make an informed decision, she needed to have all the facts. Plus, in my renewed relationship with God, I could hear his voice telling me without question to confess.
Many of you will think this a poor decision, and BP at its finest. Perhaps it is, I no longer care.
The fall out from this revelation of the rest of the truth about my behavior was catastrophic. My wife lost whatever little bit of trust she had left for me, many friends I had sought help with lost trust for me also. I had essentially lied to my family and friends by not disclosing the whole truth, but saying I had.
I knew I what I had done, so I was willing to accept the consequences. I had been humbled. I was contrite. I no longer cared if I looked, or even was, strong and "alpha".
My wife came back a week later again and said this did not change things for her. She had decided to see this marriage through, and she was going to do that. She began to see a counselor to deal with the trauma of my adultery and to unlearn the poor habits of relating to me, and learn new ones. I began to see a counselor to deal with my preoccupation with sex, and the destruction its caused in my life.
This was all a month ago. What my wife has requested most of me in this time is vulnerability. I had hardened to her over the years of rejection, and my interpretation of RP ideas to not show emotion fortified this. I had become a completely closed book, and my wife felt like she was living with a cold stranger. It was hard to open up and express emotion, I had taught myself so thoroughly that this was weak and unattractive. But I began to try.
Where I got flanked by life a little was here: I had to accept that one of the consequences of this behavior is that it could truly spell the death of my sex life forever. My wife had no interest in sex before, now I really gave her a reason to keep me at arms length intimately. I knew that if I chose to stay married (for reasons previously outlined), that sex may never be a meaningful part of it. I had never been able to accept this before, because it was always her fault that sex was absent. Now, it was clearly and undeniably my fault. I could no longer blame her. I had betrayed her, and lost the right to expect her to open up to me sexually.
I began to focus on other aspects of my life. I started BJJ with my son, something I had wanted to do for some time. I started reading fiction and history a lot more. I played with my kids. I focused on enjoying the small things. When your life is a disaster, the smallest moments of sunshine can bring real joy. I began to be vulnerable and show weakness and hurt and pain with my wife, I was no longer concerned with trying to be "attractive". It seemed a pointless endeavor. Several weeks ago, at the behest of both our counselors and my wife's desire, we signed a 90-day celibacy agreement. Hard mode for me - no porn, masturbation, or sex. Part of my "recovery plan". I had a very hard time with this, for reasons I doubt I'll need to explain. I was cynical - lucky wife, now she doesn't have to deal with the guilt of denying her husband sex. But, I've heard the good reports at nofap, and elsewhere, that this can be an interesting journey. I opened up to it. Lets see what I can learn from it. I expressed my fears and sadness to my wife. Off on this journey I go.
Well, the last 2 weeks we have had more sex than we have ever had in our 10 year marriage. We had sex 6 times in 5 days. It has been the best sex of our marriage. It was everything we have ever wanted. She initiates nearly every day. We are connecting in every other way, also.
My wife is fighting everyday to learn to forgive me for years of failed leadership, porn addiction, and weakness - and for the adultery in this year. I am fighting to forgive my wife for years of harpy, disrespectful, bitchy, cold and sexless years. We are making progress, to say the least. More than either of us expected.
What I believe many of you were trying to tell me was to let go of sex. I had to let it die before it could come to life. But, I was never able to really let it die. I always just faked it, hoping I could trick it to coming back to life. Once I let it die, along with all the pressure I put on my wife for it, it sprang to life. There is a a lot more going on here, that I won't go into. My wife lost weight (she was never big at all, but still didn't like her body) and began to accept her body and enjoy it, we began to spend more time together talking, I began to make real actual sacrifices to accommodate my family and wife.
It will probably take me many more months to digest what I learned here, and what is valuable to take with me into my "new" marriage, and what I need to leave behind. I am thankful to God for many things surrounding this past year, for bringing me home to Him. I am thankful for this place, for all the help you guys gave me. The information here is extremely powerful, and I used it poorly. I continue to try and learn to use it appropriately for the rest of my life.
I recognize this isn't a value-added post with red pill truths, direction, and advice -- so delete it if you must. I felt I owed this place a follow-up on my story (many of you PM'd me asking for one before I deleted my account). Thank you all, and I'll see you around.