Internal dialogue: OYS vs. What would Chad do?

mountainbiker178 · 2017-09-07T18:14:08+00:00

Is Chad married?

Bobsfreestuff · 2017-09-07T18:33:08+00:00

Your effort to coin a new phase has failed. This idea sucks, moving on...

donedreadpirate · 2017-09-07T19:38:26+00:00

My internal dialogue on a regular basis is just like... Am I doing what I want to be doing right now or is what I don't want to be doing right now worth it to me for some other but specific reason?

Red-Curious · 2017-09-07T20:45:05+00:00

Cut the 50/50 attitude. I just wrote this in another thread to /u/alwaysdoubledown82 - and maybe this comment can help him too.

"If she cooks, I'll clean" is garbage thinking. It's your house, your food, your dishes, your sink, your time. For legal divorce purposes, yeah, it's probably all 50/50. But it's a crap life worrying about divorce laws all the time. Plus, if you're a high value man why would she ever leave you? And if you're leaving her, you have the forethought and context to prepare.

My point is, unless you're in a divorce, treat everything as if it's yours. You clean the dishes because they're your dishes, not because she cooked and you're trying to be 50/50 fair. It's 100% you. If she wants to use your stuff, what value is she contributing? If she wants to eat the food you buy, what value is she contributing?

If you change your mentality from 50/50 to OYS, that's going to be your biggest step forward, not asking WWCD.

OYS as a Mindset

Let me be clear about this - and I invite other MRPers to reprimand me if I'm stretching this concept too far. OYS in my book is not just about "owning" in the sense of taking care of it and being responsible. It's a mentality. When we see OYS threads, they're often about what a guy does to take care of his house and improve his lifestyle. That's a small part of it.

The real value of OYS (and the only way it's indefinitely sustainable) is when you view it more as a literal ownership, not a figurative "I should take care of OUR stuff" sense. It's not "some things are hers, some are mine." It's not even her and your stuff (i.e. co-ownership). Unless she contributed value to get it, it's your stuff. And even then, if you already paid her for that value, she can't double-dip and get your payment plus still identify with a thing as hers.

EXAMPLE 1

My wife did a great job during last busy season at work and earned herself an extra $500 bonus. I rewarded her by buying her a new oven, which cost well over $500. When her bonus check came in she handed it over to me, understanding that the family finances are mine - even what she earns. She contributed an extra $500 in value to the family with her hard work.

I could have let her keep her $500 bonus as her reward and done nothing else for her, in which case she's happy to her company for rewarding her.

Instead, I took the credit for rewarding her, channeled how I wanted her to be rewarded for that value rather than how she would have spent that check, and now she's overjoyed with appreciation to me at the new oven I BOUGHT HER (as opposed to her company) and I still get the $500 check to spend however else I see fit. Plus, since I do most of our cooking, extra benefit to me (hence spending more than $500 on it).

If I wanted to, I could have also just taken her bonus check and given her nothing, and I've done that before too. But most of the time I like to reward good behavior so she keeps up the good behavior. This will remain true for the $3,500 bonus she's about to get in her next paycheck. I'm not going to go out and buy her $3,500 worth of crap. I'll find other ways to reward her for adding value. But if I reward her with my love, affection, gifts, appreciation, etc. and then still let her spend her own bonus money - she's double-dipping, getting twice the reward for the same work, and at my expense.

Contributing Value

The bottom line in my example is that I see everything as my stuff. If you continue to see it as "our" stuff you're subconsciously going to revert to a 50/50 mentality. You'll expect her to do half the chores, half the cooking, half the cleaning, etc. If you see it as your stuff, you'll realize that all the responsibility is on you, but that if she wants to make use of your stuff she has to contribute value to you.

How does that value work? Maybe you do 100% of the work around the house and contribute 100% of the income and she just lays around all day waiting to give you the best sex of your life every single day multiple times a day. Maybe sex alone isn't enough value for you, so if she wants to keep living in your house, eating your food, an watching your TV, while scrolling social media on your phone that you let her keep in her purse all day - she needs to start contributing other value. So, she cooks you breakfast every now and the. She vacuums the floors. She cleans up after the kids. She works a job. Is this enough value to you?

Sex as Value

Or is she thinking she can add enough value to you that she can ignore sex? If she has the 50/50 mindset, sex ends up not fitting into the equation because she doesn't see it as the same as all the other household chores (nor should she treat it like a chore). She'll expect you to do your 50% around the house, but since she's already contributing her 50% (or she probably really thinks she's doing 80%) she sees herself as a high-value contributor in the home, so why should she care about sexually gratifying you or herself even? That's a separate matter to her.

If you deviate away from the 50/50 mentality to an OYS mentality, you're the one who dictates where you find value. Right now she's following a pseudo-objective standard. "You do this, I do that." In her mind, this has the same objective value as that. But what if this has more value to you than that?

EXAMPLE 2

My wife constantly tries to get affection and appreciation for doing things that she values and I don't. I've had to communicate to my wife repeatedly (sometimes even verbally), "That's great that you vacuumed the house three times this week. I'm glad you find value in that. I don't. I'm fine if it's only vacuumed once a week. You did the work, you're reaping your own reward from it. But don't expect me to pamper and reward you for something I don't value. You want pampering and rewards? You know what I value in the marriage. Go do those things instead."

She usually gets all huffy at me and says, "Well, you should value it!" I ignore her. Sometimes she'll add, "It's not fair, though, that if I do that extra work you still get the benefit of it even if it's not something you would have cared to do yourself." Sometimes I'll ignore her and go about my business. Other times I'll note quickly: "I honestly can't tell the difference between vacuuming the carpets 1 or 3 times a week. You're the only one who experiences that value."

In the past, she still harbored bitterness over this for me because I was still flawed in my execution. After refining things since discovering RP, she hasn't brought this stuff up once. Instead, she's focusing more on the things that she knows I value. That's a huge win.

Effort v. Value

It's worth noting briefly that effort =/= value. If something takes 8/10 effort for her to complete, but I only get 3/10 enjoyment out of it, that's only a value of 3/10. She feels like it should be an 8/10 because of all of her effort, but over time is now realizing that value is based on the result, not the work put in.

Decent sex might have a value of 7/10 for me, but only has an effort level of 4/10 for her. Great sex might be an 8/10 in effort, but gives 10/10 in value. When she's contributing less effort than the value her effort produces, she's in golden territory.

The problem is that most women don't understand this effort-value dynamic. Why? Because the're living in a 50/50 dynamic, not an OYS/value-based relationship. If you succumb to the 50/50 mentality, you'll never be able to pull her out of it.

drty_pr · 2017-09-08T02:15:26+00:00

Chad is metaphorical more than anything. Simply the type of guy that a givin girl wants to fuck. For your wife, chad is probably a laid back dude who doesn't over analyze the fuck out of his life.

Rian_Stone · 2017-09-07T15:49:56+00:00

That's your job to decide

[deleted] · 2017-09-07T23:44:54+00:00

I get the idea. You're using self-talk to keep yourself present in the moment. That's completely fine.

Just after I'd finished washing the breakfast dishes the question of "What would Chad do?" popped into my mind. Well the answer to that is very fucking clear.

The problem is that you need to adjust the question that you're asking. Your idea of "Chad" isn't who you want to be in the first place. You're dangerously close to using this as an excuse to go Red Pill Rambo.

Your real question has nothing to do with your WWCD self-talk. Instead, you're trying to find the line between owning your shit and being a loser.

BobbyPeru · 2017-09-07T17:51:12+00:00

Internalize the sidebar, lift, dread.

Become Chad... Don't pose like him.

223552 · 2017-09-07T22:40:15+00:00

I spent half of my life living like this, what would this person or that person (that I look up to) do in my situation. Don't go down that path.

The truth is Chad, would do what HE wants....and that is what actually makes him Chad, not his specific actions, but his intent to follow his own mind.

To become Chad, you have to start doing things YOUR way...

Title	Internal dialogue: OYS vs. What would Chad do?
Author	Nec_sorte_Nec_fato
Upvotes	1
Comments	13
Date	September 7, 2017 3:48 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6yo1wi/internal_dialogue_oys_vs_what_would_chad_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/internal-dialogue-oys-vs-what-would-chad-do.205514 https://theredarchive.com/post/205514