Tonight, I found some messages between my wife and an ex-boyfriend of hers. The messages were from a few months ago. He was hitting on her. She was kind of turning him down, KIND OF, but not telling him to fuck off. It was a flirty conversation that crossed the line. There were clear indications that there had been other conversations possibly using other apps. I think she had deleted this particular thread on this one app, but it came back, since it wasn't there the last time I was snooping around her phone. She is pretty open with her phone, probably because she thinks she is doing enough to hide shit like this.
Old me would have confronted her tonight. Old me would not have been able to keep his shit together. Old me would have felt shocked and betrayed. New me kept his mouth shut. New me went to the gym to do some cardio to blow off some steam. New me wasn't shocked. New me said, fuck do I need to get over my oneitis so if shit hits the fan I wouldn't have that holding me back and I'll be ready. New me said, work harder on you so she fears you cheating and not vice versa. New me knows talking to her about it is useless. Maybe I tell her I know; maybe I don't. New me knows that showing this kind of insecurity is unattractive and I can't add to the unattractive pile right now. On the other hand... maybe I should tell her that I know, that it's completely unacceptable.
Do I think she has cheated on me? Probably not. It's not because she is religious and conservative and is very strong on family, or because her family would crucify her if she did something like that. It's because she really hasn't had any opportunity. She doesn't go anywhere ever, and when I'm at work, she is home with the kids. Is it possible she could have dropped the kids off at her mom's one day, or snuck out in the middle of the night? Yes. AWALT. Is there any way I would know if she did? Almost certainly not. So what matters is what I know.
What I know is that she can't be trusted. What I know is AWALT. What I know is that her loyalty is in question. What I know is that cheating is a deal breaker and if it happens I need to know about it so I can take the measures I've already planned for. What I know is that having a flirty conversation with an ex-boyfriend in which he asks you out for drinks and you say tell me next time you're in town, oh but hey what we had was meaningless and I'm married, so thanks for letting it go, but let's keep this flirty conversation going, is crossing a line. It's playing with fire, it's completely and totally disrespectful, it may just be the tip of the iceberg.
I need to put monitoring software on her phone. I'm going to read up on it and do that soon. I don't know whether I'm going to confront her about it or not. I'm on the fence about it. If she was doing stupid shit like this because it gave her feelz that she wasn't getting from me, that's on me. She is doing exactly what she is programmed to do. I need to respond appropriately and in a calculated manner that achieves my objectives. And right now those objectives are maintaining and improving the relationship, as long as she stays faithful.