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Owning My Shit: My Marriage Is Over

Reddit View
September 2, 2017
8 upvotes

29, married 3 years, 2 year old daughter, and stationed overseas with the military. For the first 1.5 years of our marriage we lived apart (dual military) and finally moved in together shortly before I took the assignment OCONUS. She got out of the military and became a SAHM. From the start things were rough. Not only did we move overseas but we also were living together for the first time and had a toddler to take care of. I was coming off of a shitty work situation and near-constant deployments/TDYs and did not adjust well. There were covert contracts galore and I treated her like shit and was so deep in her frame that sometimes I would just start DEERing because she looked at me funny. I was defensive about everything and was generally a negative nancy all the time. Suffice it to say that marriage counseling didn't work at all and our resentment towards each other grew and grew. I started reading Rational Male and NMMNG and went full on rambo on her and things got even worse (read, I became a gigantic dick). I wish I had just STFU'd until I learned about fogging, negative inquiries, etc. in WISNIFG.

Now fast forward to 3 months ago when she went back home to see family she hadn't seen in over a year (we don't get to travel back to the States much). The plan was she would go, see family, and I would take leave later on for a couple of weeks a little later on and we'd have a fun vacation. A 2 months after she leaves she calls me and tells me she wants a divorce and there's no way we can ever work things out. I don't blame her, I have been royally fucking this marriage away for a while.

I finally take leave and get back to the States and meet with attorneys (she "forbade" me from meeting with lawyers because she didn't want them involved) and begin preparing separation agreements and custody orders (her first move was to threaten to involve the military and take half my pay) in order to prevent her from coming after me when I returned overseas. And since I met with the lawyer my wife has stopped answering my calls, unfriended me on facebook, stopped returning my texts/e-mails, and has cut off all contact. I'm worried I'm about to get blindsided with a world of shit.

 

Questions:

  1. How do I convince my wife to resume communicating with me without comprising what little frame I have?

  2. How do I apologize to my wife for all of the shit I put her through while I was a drunk captain without DEERing?

  3. How do I protect myself from her taking my daughter away from me and divorce-raping me?

 

MAP: Read NMMG, finishing WISNIFG, starting MMSLP, beginning 5x5 when I get back to work. I need to lose 40-50 pounds, and have stopped drinking and cut out the majority of the crap I used to eat. I'm going to set up a meeting with a nutritionist when I get back to work and have a full diet plan made up.

 

TLDR: I'm a dick with weak frame, find MRP, go full rambo, make things worse, wife leaves, wife then asks for divorce, I get lawyers, and now wife won't talk to me. I'm freaking out. How do I try to repair things with her without losing frame?


Post Information
Title Owning My Shit: My Marriage Is Over
Author SailorAground
Upvotes 8
Comments 25
Date 02 September 2017 12:34 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205541
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6xinwt/owning_my_shit_my_marriage_is_over/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
MAPWISNIFGframeNMMNG
Comments

[–]BobbyPeru22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy

How do I convince my wife to resume communicating with me without comprising what little frame I have?

Normally we say texting only for logistics, but you need to document your efforts to contact her (email, text,...etc). Keep it focused on your desire to see your daughter

How do I apologize to my wife for all of the shit I put her through while I was a drunk captain without DEERing?

Don't . It's over and she has essentially declared war.

How do I protect myself from her taking my daughter away from me and divorce-raping me

Talk to an attorney about "alienation:". It's serious that she has stopped communicating with you so you can't communicate with your daughter. Judges hate that crap because it screws up the kid:

[–]Red-Curious9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

In my state, you can't be sued for divorce while on deployment, and in some circumstances for the first 60 days after return. Any retirement benefits are managed at a federal level, so they should be consistent throughout all states and you wouldn't owe her anything because you haven't been married for 10 years yet. You wouldn't owe any spousal support due to the short duration of the marriage, but you would owe an ordinary child support amount.

Unfortunately, because you cannot control your deployment and it seems frequent, it's unrealistic to expect you could get sole custody, but shared parenting is still very common with military fathers. The courts don't want to penalize someone for serving our country. That said, depending on how hard you went Rambo, that could really work against you.

I'd imagine as a military man this can be really freaking hard because when you're on deployment she calls all the shots and isn't willing to give it up so easily when you return.


As to your questions, there's a split: (1) if you really want to save the marriage, and (2) if you're okay with giving up.

SAVE THE MARRIAGE

(1) Screw your frame. You had a crap frame to begin with. Burn it to the ground and start over - without going Rambo this time. Trying to assert your frame before you were ready is what got you into this mess. Monk mode for you. I know some people here don't like it for marriages, but desperate times call for unconventional measures. Give her several months to a year to recover, and at around the 6 month mark very slowly start reasserting your frame. In the meantime, until she's fully on board with trying to resume the relationship, keep everything in writing and if it has to be verbal record all of your conversations.

(2) Own it. Period. Why would DEERing even be an issue at this point? That's like you're trying to explain away what you did. "I'm sorry, I screwed up ... but" is not an apology. Let her run her mouth and hurl molotov cocktails at you. Sit there and take it. Don't make excuses or rationalize your behavior. When she's done, just tell her, "You're right. These last few days I've been doing a lot of thinking and prayer [even if you're not religious, just say it anyway] and I had an epiphany. I screwed up and was blaming you for everything." Then go into the ways you screwed up, mentioning things that she didn't even list in her rant. That's about the only way she's going to take you seriously again. Remember: the only way this works is if you burn your garbage frame to the ground and start with a new one. And even then, I only give you 10% odds you can salvage something.

(3) Build the best relationship with your daughter that you can now. If she won't let you see her, you can't do much without filing something with the court. In that event, do it as a legal separation. This shows her that your daughter is a priority, while also affirming to her that you really do want to save the marriage, hence not filing for divorce. The legal separation route really goes a long way to showing her how committed you are to saving the marriage. It's backwards logic, I know, but that's how people tend to take it. Legal separation = we need legal intervention, but I really want to reconcile down the road. Divorce = screw you.

LET IT DIE

(1) Resume Rambo again until the divorce is over - but be a tactful Rambo. Blow crap up with her to make her look like the crazy one while you stand your ground and take it. Instead of shooting bazookas at a wall, shoot a pistol at an oil tanker. Mini-jabs that cause massive explosions look great to judges - her reaction won't be warranted in comparison to the stimulus you put in. I recently suggested this to a client whose wife is an alcoholic. He made one small jab: "The kids still don't want to see you because of how much your drinking hurts them. I need to know that you're getting better so I can assure them it's okay to start some supervised visits." Instead of getting her to set off her ankle monitor (which is all we expected or planned - her parents are supposed to be keeping her on lockdown), she gets plastered, crashes her car, is arrested, and now has a new criminal date 3 days after our hearing. Case closed.

(2) Ignore the other people here - you have to apologize. This looks great to judges. Someone who denies their faults in a relationship is totally non-credible on the stand. You lose a lot of pull with the judge. Make that apology, just don't admit to anything that could hurt your case. Don't be too general or else it will seem like a shallow/hollow apology and won't earn you anything. Pick very specific things that won't affect litigation. Set context if you have to. "I'm sorry. I failed you as a husband. I didn't thank you for the little things like when you ___. I didn't give you a hug when I could see you were down. I should have encouraged you when your mom said that stupid thing. I got so hung up on being a dad and loving our kid that I forgot to make you a priority too. I know this won't repair things, but I do want you to know that I'd like to be friends for the good of our child." Judges eat that crap up when she tries to talk about how awful you are. It shifts the "awful" stuff she complains about from important matters to common marital problems that make her look like she's just overreacting. There is no stipulation on the stuff she'll allege, but she won't deny this stuff, so the judge, rather than choosing who to believe, just goes off of the things that you did agree to, putting you in a much better spot than if you just denied that you were a crappy husband. So, you gain credibility and you also distract the judge away from some of your more serious faults, if the judge falls for the smoke screen.

(3) File for temporary orders and request a psych eval. Then find a practice MMPI test online (there's an old version available - 560 or so questions) and take it repeatedly until you've learned to master which questions cause which results. Find out when she's taking hers and give little toothpick pokes the day before or the morning of. If you really want to get her creeped out, have a friend she doesn't know follow her around the day before. Have him try to be inconspicuous, but intentionally get caught. You have plausible deniability as long as she doesn't know who the person is, but she'll still think you hired a PI. This will set her off and start answering some of the questions in such a way that it presents as mild paranoia.

[–]SailorAground[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for the detailed reply. I really appreciate it.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I hope real Karma finds it way to you by the truckload.

If I could contribute 1/10th to this community and helping my fellow man that you do...

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

1) How do I convince my wife to resume communicating with me without comprising what little frame I have?

You don't. Let the lawyers do the talking.

2) How do I apologize to my wife for all of the shit I put her through while I was a drunk captain without DEERing?

You don't! Someday maybe she will apologize to YOU for turning from a service member into a dependopotomus. However I wouldn't hold my breath.

3) How do I protect myself from her taking my daughter away from me and divorce-raping me?

You are a man and have almost no rights. Your daughter will see you ONLY as much as the wife permits. There is nothing you can do except be available and be as good a dad as your soon to be ex-wife permits. In many cases, when the child reaches teenage years he/she moves out and into the home of the non-custodial parent. That is your only play. Sorry.

Your wife has declared war on you and your former family. You must prepare yourself for a constant barrage. Dig that foxhole deep and keep your head down until the shelling stops. Then calmly wait until you see the whites of her eyes before unloading every piece of ordinance you still control.

[–]AustralianArm-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Dependopotomus"

Brilliant portmanteau

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

[–]Alphaphux4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You can't repair things irrespective of frame. The shit storm is coming so be prepared, this is one of the potential outcomes of running the MAP. You wanted this, so stop feeling sorry for yourself

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You should know how to prep for a deployment, you're going to war, and she has a head start

good luck, this isn't helpful to MRP, go get your lawyers advice and learn to play for blood

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

, wife then asks for divorce, I get lawyers, and now wife won't talk to me. I'm freaking out. How do I try to repair things with her without losing frame?

why should she talk to you. you are getting divorced. have the lawyers do the talking.

why do you want to talk to her??? to what end?? convince her to be nice to you in the divorce?

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

My son just joined the Army.

7 days ago.

11x, infantry special forces track.

Dad's Ten Commandments,

1) Do not get married on active duty.

2) Do not get married on active duty.

3) Do not get married on active duty.

You get the point

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I started reading Rational Male and NMMNG and went full on rambo on her and things got even worse (read, I became a gigantic dick). I wish I had just STFU'd until I learned about fogging, negative inquiries, etc. in WISNIFG.

That's the only red in your post, and you skip over it. Why skip that and then present legal problems to us? Get a lawyer.

[–]smokecheck19761 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Okay, look a lot stands out here that needs to be examined and turned over...

  1. How old were you when you joined? Based on your post, I would assume you to be enlisted and would also assume you to be about mid-career, but I could be wrong.

  2. Why this chick? I know how it is around military bases. Their either taken or wanna-be dependapotumuses with very little in between and even less quality. So, what was it that drew you to this particular woman? What drew her to you? How long did you date before you either decided to marry or knocked her up? Did you meet each other's families? How well did you really know her?

  3. Shitty assignments and near constant deployments for a year and a half. That sucks but unless you are in a full peace-time stance service with too many CSMs/SMCs running around and no real mission, that's the way it is. At the least, you were probably suffering the long term stress and more than a little burned out. Which leads to....

  4. Covert contracts, DEERing, being defensive, being negative, further proof that something was going on. Did she marry the guy that agreed with her all the time, was negative, and then pulled bullshit passive aggressive bullshit.

  5. 40 to 50 pounds overweight? Look, Uncle Sam doesn't enlist fatasses, the gym is free, and you are endangering your career and your health by being overweight. Do you want to lose your career the way you may have lost this marriage?

  6. It's probably over. She had no right to forbid you from seeing the lawyer, and if you told the court that she was doing so and then retaliated when you did, they won't be happy about it. Remember, the judge is a lawyer and his first professional loyalty is to his profession. That being said, you need to change the way you interact with her. She may want a quick and relatively painless divorce, which may be the best you can hope for. Also, since you are military, she can only come after a part of your base pay, which doesn't include a lot of things. It may be cheaper to just pay her off, get summers with your kid and go on your way.

She is your daughter's mother. Don't lose sight of that.

[–]SailorAground[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How old were you when you joined? Based on your post, I would assume you to be enlisted and would also assume you to be about mid-career, but I could be wrong.

I was 23, commissioned through OCS. I've been in 6 years.

Why this chick? I know how it is around military bases. Their either taken or wanna-be dependapotumuses with very little in between and even less quality. So, what was it that drew you to this particular woman? What drew her to you? How long did you date before you either decided to marry or knocked her up? Did you meet each other's families? How well did you really know her?

We met shortly after we graduated college and became friends with a lot of stuff in common. We eventually did the long-distance thing for 2 years and I knocked her up after I came back from a deployment. Things were pretty good until we moved in together. I put her on a pedestal and was blinded with oneitis the whole time, and wrote a lot of warning signs off because of it.

Shitty assignments and near constant deployments for a year and a half. That sucks but unless you are in a full peace-time service with too many CSMs/SMCs running around an know real mission, that's the way it is. At the least, you were probably suffering the long term stress and more than a little burned out. Which leads to.... Covert contracts, DEERing, being defensive, being negative, further proof that something was going on. Did she marry the guy that agreed with her all the time, was negative, and then pulled bullshit passive aggressive bullshit. 40 to 50 pounds overweight? Look, Uncle Sam doesn't enlist fatasses, the gym is free, and you are endangering your career and your health by being overweight. Do you want to lose your career the way you may have lost this marriage?

** I'm a bigger dude and have been able to squeeze by the rope-and-choke by narrow margins. Really, I let laziness and burn out creep in and affect my fitness as much as my marriage and my other personal relationships. **

It's probably over. She had no right to forbid you from seeing the lawyer, and if you told the court that she was doing so and then retaliated when you did, they won't be happy about it. Remember, the judge is a lawyer and his first professional loyalty is to his profession. That being said, you need to change the way you interact with her. She may want a quick and relatively painless divorce, which may be the best you can hope for. Also, since you are military, she can only come after a part of your base pay, which doesn't include a lot of things. It may be cheaper to just pay her off, get summers with your kid and go on your way.

*I agree that it's probably over. Right now, all I want is for her to sign the separation agreement and custody order so we can both move on. If I hadn't been reading MRP or the sidebar, I'd probably be totally butthurt right now and trying to do some passive aggressive bullshit to take my anger out on her. The current terms of the agreement are giving her everything she's asked for. *

[–]smokecheck19762 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was 23, commissioned through OCS. I've been in 6 years. ** I'm a bigger dude and have been able to squeeze by the rope-and-choke by narrow margins. Really, I let laziness and burn out creep in and affect my fitness as much as my marriage and my other personal relationships. **

Without asking for any more information that makes you a senior O-2 or a junior O-3. Two things, from knowing more about officers than a Sergeant (E-5) really should. First, be careful about the divorce generating waves. Your superiors will be understanding to a degree, but you need to show them that your head is "in the game", for that matter the people under you need to see that, too. Second, when the selection process starts for O-4 selection board, I've seen pictures of candidates that literally posed for the dossier picture by laying on the ground to conceal the fat in their face, it doesn't help their cause. The good news is that you will now have more time to spend in the gym. Things that you don't watch do have a tendency to creep.

The current terms of the agreement are giving her everything she's asked for.

Well, there are things you need to specify as well. Think of what you want. An agreement that you can contact and talk to your child any time you want (within reason, such as times they would generally be expected to be at home). That she will maintain a device capable of using a videoteleconferencing service such as facetime or Skype and maintain an internet service suitable for it's use. That she to seek advice and consent from you of regarding any major issues with your daughter. That she inform you at least 30 days prior to any change of address. Ask for the most generous terms you can get for visitation with an agreement to modify it when/if you are closer and can be a larger part of your daughter's life. Ask for an agreed upon mechanism for dispute resolution in the event that you are unable to reach an agreement on something. It isn't just her needs that should be addressed, it's yours and your daughter's as well.

(As far as it goes, when I was in, I became known as a good sounding board for higher ups because I never discussed what was another person told me with someone else, I know things that chaplains knew about but couldn't talk about with anyone else. At the same time, I literally had soldiers transferred into my company specifically to be put in my squad as a last chance effort to be straightened out. I managed to turn around an entire squad worth of hard case soldiers, though I did send about as many packing.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Contact a lawyer and JAG.

Delete FaceBook and other social media.

Hit the gym.

Why do you care about apologizing to a woman who wants nothing to do with you? I get the kid thing, but face it you are royally fucked there to.

You will get divorce raped and pay this woman a good deal of money for the next 16 years with little to no access to your daughter.

Let the stark reality of that set in. Work with what you have left and try to move forward.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Relax. Pick up your skirt, grab your balls, and smack yourself across the face. You're being a big pussy about all of this. There was a reason you were in marriage counseling, why you came to MRP- your wife wasn't awesome. You only have room in your life for awesome people. Your wife isn't one.

Don't apologize to her. When you interact with your wife, just be nice and overly friendly. Exude happiness. She will hate seeing you happy. And if/when she comes crawling back to you, you can hate fuck her in the ass and then remind her the divorce papers are still on the way.

What part of "you are the prize" did you not understand?

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Let the lawyers handle it bud. Refocus on yourself and getting to a place where this doesn't happen again. Could be the greatest turning point of your life if you do.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just, dead, stop.

Once you stop trying, she can stop feeding the machine of drama on her side.

It's pretty clear. You are a Fucking train wreck.

Hit the weights and side bar.

Be honest. How badly do you want to see your child and her ? Kill your fucking ego before answering

I don't actually give a Fuck about you and your shit show. Just FYI

[–]GoddessLilith000-3 points-2 points  (5 children) | Copy

You are pathetic, I hope she divorce rapes you and tears you a new a-hole.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Banned but leaving up these comments so guys can see the cunts on the other side are nothing but pathetic man hating harpies.

Just remember this ladies: When you die alone and in pain with your stinking body covered in feces and vomit your cats will start eating you in a few days and nobody, nobody, nobody, except a few stray felines will mourn your passing. Meow.

[–]FemaleBallBuster-2 points-1 points  (3 children) | Copy

I hope so, too. How many divorces did this shite sub cause? Hmm, wonder why...

[–]GoddessLilith000-2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy

All these pathetic menz here, I wonder how come they're married. But then I see the divorce rates rising... wonder why too??

[–]Onna9990 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Just look at all these downvotes by pathetic menz here. Yo, menz, yo' downvotes mean shite to us! Pathetic basement-dwellers. I almost pity you...

[–]Ennie5Eris60 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Don't you just wanna castrate 'em? I do.



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