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[FR] I'm getting on top of this... Still need to work harder

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AustralianArm
August 28, 2017
14 upvotes
askMRP

When I started following this sub at the beginning of this year, the idea of Owning Your Shit didn't quite click with me as I was always told that marriages were a 50/50 deal. So over the years, it puzzled the fuck out of me that my wife would get pissy at me most when we were sharing the load 50/50.

FF to yesterday and the following exchange happened when SO returned home from a coffee with a friend that went longer than planned (shit storm in friend's marriage, betabux and Chad).

SO: [comes inside and I can tell she has attitude before she even speaks] Hi.

Me: Hey. [attempt at hug, shrugged off] How was coffee?

SO: It was okay. WHAT have you been doing while I've been gone? [she looks at TV that had sport on]

Me: Absolutely nothing at all. [with a smirk]

SO: Great. [Failed AA/AM or her defenses were too strong. And stomps off to the laundry, returning a few seconds later] You did laundry? Will there be enough time for it to dry?

Me: Yeah, it's all good. It'll dry.

SO: Did you wash sheets too? Or do I have to do that?

Me: Yep. All sorted.

Rinse and repeat for all the other jobs her hamster was going nuts over due to going long on her coffee outing. Mood still bitchy. I go back to sorting out sprinklers in the backyard.

10 minutes later she comes and finds me and gives me a big hug and kiss.

SO: Sorry I was horrible before. You're not like other guys. You're so much better. But why did you do everything for me?

Me: I didn't do it for you. I did it because it needed doing. [A look of hurt passed across her face. But went away quick, didn't stop hugging]

I'm getting better at picking these moments before they happen but I'm still not getting the AA/AM to work properly for me. STFU only works for so long until they learn that play and go harder at you.

Could I have defused this hamster faster? I'm not sure I could.

TL;DR: SO in a bitch mood, was owning my shit, need to improve AA/AM


Post Information
Title [FR] I'm getting on top of this... Still need to work harder
Author AustralianArm
Upvotes 14
Comments 16
Date 28 August 2017 03:29 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205598
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6wgv46/fr_im_getting_on_top_of_this_still_need_to_work/
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Comments

[–]Red-Curious7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

sharing the load 50/50

In a woman's mind, you will never be "sharing the load 50/50." She'll always assume it's 51/49 at your very best case scenario. In reality, you should be responsible for 100%. Delegate to her as necessary, but the responsibility is yours. I just linked this for someone else too, but here's for more reading.

I didn't do it for you. I did it because it needed doing.

This response has worked well for me too (see here).

I'm still not getting the AA/AM to work properly for me. STFU only works for so long until they learn that play and go harder at you.

If those are your only two moves, that's why. Add fogging and negative inquiry into your routine. They're far, far easier to pull off with little/no experience, but can go a long way in taming a conversation rather than letting her escalate it by being totally aloof with STFU.

An added bonus: If AA/AM aren't natural, fogging and negative inquiry buy you some time for her to keep talking until she sets you up for an easy AA. Once you take a few easy openings for a quick AA, you'll start to notice responses quicker and quicker.

Could I have defused this hamster faster? I'm not sure I could ... need to improve AA/AM

Yes, fogging will be your best friend for a while here while you figure the rest out. Go back and re-read WISNIFG. Camp out there for the next month while you're lifting.

Also ...

SO: attitude ... Me: [attempt at hug, shrugged off]

Why are you rewarding bad behavior? My wife has come home with a bad attitude a few times. My response? "Cool, you're home. I'm heading to the gym. Be back in a couple hours." I don't like going to the gym late at night, but it beats dealing with her bad attitude - and it doubles as a fix to her attitude. I get home, she sees that I got stuff done while she was gone (i.e. applied OYS), I come home and her attitude is gone and she's buttering up to me.

Never underestimate the power of withdrawing your presence.

[–]thunderbeyond5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Coming here to dissect these things is like an audit. Internet randoms with time on their side (like me) can pick any FR apart and give pointers on how to get that extra bit better.

Bu fuck man give yourself a pat on the back and see how far you have come. The SO comes home shitty, you fob it off. She shit tests you with housework but guess what... you owned your shit so she ain't got shit to hang on you. Then you go do your thing in the yard.

You passed. She comes back and slides into your arms and compliments you.

Be proud of yourself. As far as I am concerned, you are where I want to be. You are clearly doing this right.

[–]granite21053 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Agree. Posts like this, with real world examples, are like gold for a newb like me.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why give a fuck about her attitude when she comes back ?

You live for you right ?

Once you achieve shrug status of IDGAF you go on your merry way and she ends up on your lap giddy. But then again she was close

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're first mistake was trying to hug her when she was putting off the pissy vibes. You still are trying to please her too much.

I did a post the other day that addressed shit tests vs. being pissy. You must distinguish between the two. AA can work for shit tests, but when she's pissy, AA is not appropriate. STFU and give short IDGAF answers. Is she remains pissy remove your time and attention in a non-butthurt way.

Stop giving so many fucks... You'll run out of them.

[–]red_blue_and_hot0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is more graduate level, but AA can be wonderful when she's being pissy. Once she's in your frame, it's a good way to get her to realize for herself that's she's being pissy, and since it's not about you (you're owning your shit, right?), she's trying to take out whatever js really bothering her on you. Usually it lightens the mood and prompts her melt in your arms for a hug and an "everything is going to be alright" from her oak after an apology/explanation from her. (I put "apology/explanation" because it won't ever be just "I'm sorry"; it'll always be "I'm sorry, but... " followed up by her telling you whatever is really bothering her)

True, it does have to be backed up with a demonstrated willingness to remove time and attention if she continues to be pissy, and her in your frame enough that she feels that removal.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is more graduate level, but AA can be wonderful when she's being pissy

Maybe, but he's not there yet. That could work after putting a lot of frame and leadership work in, and even then it could fail.

[–]chachaChad1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nice work now work on expanding your toolbox!

[–]tacko2761 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I get this a lot from my wife. Looks like you handled it pretty well. in fact I'm gonna use this a template for when my wife does the same shit Thanks !

[–]rebbit_reddit1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nice. Only thing I would as is

"Now what are you going to do for me?" smirk

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

The best skill you can foster, is one where she does 80% of the load, and you provide 80% of the tingles.

You'll both come out of this thinking you've won. Girls don't give a shit about mundane chore play, they give a shit about feelings. they care that important (i.e. things that have consequences) things aren't their responsability.

She will clean the house like a champ, but sees paying a bill on time (or you lose the lights) as 'man work'.

As for the load of the house, ultimately, it's you 100%. you delegate as she is able to handle, in accordance with your expectations.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Good points. I like to think of it in terms of striving to take care of the strategic (finances, house repairs, automotive issues, etc) while she handles the tactical (getting kids to school, laundry, etc). The stress I take off of her by handling the large strategic issues far outweighs the minuscule benefit, in her eyes, of me cleaning the bathroom. Now, be capable of handling chores when necessary but don't lose focus of the larger issues.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

archwinger has a good writeup in one of his posts

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

All your shit is bullshit and trivial. I just want to know what happened at the coffee. Was it just that there was a ton of shit to do and she was thinking she wouldn't get to them?

[–]AustralianArm[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

The coffee meetup was with one of her friends (SAHM post wall) that cheated (>6 month cheating) on her husband (huge money earner but beta as fuck) and now she can't handle all the suspicion he harbours for every activity she does.

The guy should have divorced her arse but he still loves her. Blue pill as fuck. He wants to keep trying and has yet to take control of anything in their marriage. I will not try to red pill this guy. At all. Ever.

After being dragged into this shitshow of a relationship drama, my wife didn't feel like she could leave coffee early because it would seem like she didn't care. And then her hamster started running about everything to do at home. That hamster was supercharged by all the bullshit from her friend.

[–]mtdog1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Buried the lead.

Her hamster was running because: Chad.

She shit tested you to make sure you weren't a pussy like your friend.

This was not about housework, but you did fine.



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