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Negativity of wife - your opinion?

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alwaysdoubledown82
August 27, 2017
9 upvotes
askMRP

Hi guys. I've read NMMNG, MMSLP and am getting through the rest of the content in the right panel, so I'm still new (a few weeks in). All very interesting stuff.

One thing I've started to notice (and write down) is the morning routine of my wife. Absolutely everything that comes out of her mouth before I leave for work is negative.

  • If she has to hold the baby while she does something in the kitchen, she mentions is out loud
  • If she can't have her breakfast right then, she mentions it out loud
  • If she has to make the kids lunches for school, she mentions it out loud

Now, you might think I do nothing in the morning - but I dress at least one of our kids, most days make their lunches, am present and with the kids until I leave the house, helping out, doing my part (and honestly, most days more than 50% of the morning work).

EVEN when nothing has been said (I'm downstairs with the kids and she comes down after), the first thing out of her mouth is always negative or a complaint.

It's really 1) depressing, 2) bad for my kids and 3) annoying me. I'm a positive person. I LOVE the mornings with the kids before work, help out every day, etc, etc. I've started making changes based on the books listed here but it's only a few weeks in.

Just looking for an outside perspective on this. Not blaming her, happy to hear "it's you dude", etc, but would love some wisdom on this and what to do about it.

Thanks fellas.


Post Information
Title Negativity of wife - your opinion?
Author alwaysdoubledown82
Upvotes 9
Comments 22
Date 27 August 2017 11:19 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205602
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6wfiv5/negativity_of_wife_your_opinion/
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NMMNG
Comments

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Pre-MRP, I thought I was a really good dad. I was involved with my kids. I played with them. I fed them. I read to them. I got them ready and put them to bed.

Unfortunately, my wife was always anxious and on edge. There was a ton of negativity to the point where I wondered why the hell she even wanted kids.

Answer? It was me. In this case, it is also you. The difference? Who is calling the shots? Who is deciding when the kids should go to bed and wake up? Where should they be going to school? Who is keeping tabs on their grades and homework? Who is disciplining them and deciding consequences? In summary, who is making the majority of the parenting decisions?

Now, I am not saying that all parenting should only be done by you and only you. She is your wife and your first officer. She is capable and can handle the day to day. She likely loathes having to call all the shots. Pre-MRP I would have argued I was a good dad. This whole process has caused some pretty uncomfortable self inspections. I was able to see that I was pushing too much parenting in to her.

Look around. Is there more organization needed in the home for day to day tasks? If she hasn't done it yet she won't. You need to do it. Ease her burden. As you do that she will lighten up and start acting like a happy little girl.

Lead brotha.

Edit: She will fight you when you assert yourself into the parenting and you try to take some of this away. Then later, when she realizes how much better it is, she will actually thank you.

Edit #2: Your description of your wife in the morning was identical to mine.

[–]Alphaphux5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

Lead brother - a captain delegates, he doesn't work out what share of work he has to do, he is responsible for the whole ship.

Set your alarm 20-30 mins earlier and do everything and kill your fucking hamster

[–]SepeanRed Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Set your alarm 20-30 mins earlier and do everything

So you think that whenever your wife bitches you're supposed to jump in and do her work for her?

[–]Alphaphux0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Is not the whole point of this to OYS and just do what needs to be done?

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

The Y is your. Not hers. Her bitching is not a signal that you're doing too little. Don't look to her for approval, don't worry about what she likes, don't listen to what she says, don't try to make her happy, don't try to fix shit for her. Just own your shit.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

This. I fucking hate when idiots think that being the better plow horse is the answer

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

But what about "What would you do if you were single? Do that."

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do you not understand the difference?

One is complete ownership. the other is a covert contract. The former should be her fighting to have a place in your life, the latter is a way to show her what a catch you are.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Do you not understand the difference?

I didn't at first. I do now. Thanks!

[–]SeamusAwl4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Wow. More than 50% of the work. You are captain of the ship. You are responsible for 100% of the work. Go with that mindset.

[–]alwaysdoubledown82[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Does that mean responsible for 100% of it being done (i.e. plan, delegate, etc) or are you saying actually DO 100% of the tasks? I assume the former, but just checking...

[–]AustralianArm2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've learnt to set the standard you expect.

If you can take care of doing it all without breaking a sweat while still working, looking after kids and socialising, your wife will learn she has nothing to complain about when she has to do it.

[–]Red-Curious1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I wrote about my solution here in Dealing with the stressed wife. It's a short-term exercise, but for me was enough to set the stage for long-term leadership as an overt expectation up-front, not a covert op that takes months of infiltration and gradual redirection.

/u/BluePillProfessor called for field reports, but I haven't seen any yet other than my own experience and that of one other guy I've mentored. So, if you give it a shot, report back for the benefit of the community.

[–]alwaysdoubledown82[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks, will read it now. What an amazing community you guys have here. It's incredible.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Handle it with Amused Mastery, just like when your kids whine they have to put on their socks. Aw poor baby.

[–]bigOlBeta0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This works. You'll end up getting shit tested in various ways after a couple of days of this, but you can just handle those as well.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Look at her directly, and smirk. Say nothing, smirk again. Get the shit done, smile, and go to work.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

When she comes at you with this shit in the morning, what's a typical reaction? Be honest

[–]alwaysdoubledown82[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Great question. Up until a week ago (after reading the books suggested here) I would respond back at her in the same way - angry/negatively - "I'm doing EVERYTHING and ALL you can do is be negative". Started to stop that and how kiss the kids, say goodbye and walk out peacefully once everything is done and try to ignore/down play her negativity...

[–]SlatePill0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Read this as if someone else wrote it.

you tell me what critiques you have. Because validation seeking is unattractive for a dude, I'd rather see what you know

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you ever played sports you probably had a little bit of respect for your teammates. They were in the trenches with you day to day. But you did not expect a lot frm them.

But, you probaly had a ton of respect for your coach - and the coach is held to a higher standard. The coach leads the team. That is his responsibility. The coach does not get credit for helping out with practice, he gets credit for scheduling and leading practice.

Your wife may say she wants a teammate but she really wants a coach. Same with your kids.



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