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FR Just filled for divorce

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August 25, 2017
9 upvotes
So, I just filed for divorce.  And the wheels have come off the crazy train.  She had my Google account info and apparently that gave her access to a bunch of incriminating photos I had taken in case she trys to pull some bullshit over costody.

Her hampster hit warp speed. I think she is capable of anything at this point. I have to stay at my homestead due to a va loan stipulation. So, we are co-habiting. And I get to deal with threats to take my son from me on a daily basis.

I know I shouldn't give a fuck but I feel contempt towards my future ex wife. Been ultilizing it productively at least in that I've been able to increase all of my lifts.

Had a moment of weakness where I puked at her and played the blame game. That's now over, and I'm just concentrating on what needs to be done.

I have a voice activated recorder on myself at all times. If anyone has any other suggestions on how to better protect myself, I'm all ears.


Post Information
Title FR Just filled for divorce
Author izual19
Upvotes 9
Comments 20
Date 25 August 2017 08:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205616
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6w1bq2/fr_just_filled_for_divorce/
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Comments

[–]skoobydoo2147 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

That sucks. Smart having a recorder. Like the ancient chinese proverb says: the faintest ink is better than the best memory.

[–]kendallb1833 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

Call a jag, or the VA and ensure the clause you refer to really keeps you locked in. Typically there is a mandatory 1 year must live in period for a home bought using a VA but having your dependents living there while you're somewhere else is almost guaranteed to count as you still residing there. The intent of the VA was to prevent people from buying investment homes... which you aren't doing. You may have an option, do the research.

[–]izual19[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Thanks, I'll look into it. Dealing with the VA bureaucracy is about as much fun as jamming my dick in a door thou.

[–]kendallb1832 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is it as bad as another night with your wife?

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

the VA bureaucracy

you cannot legally depend on what they tell you.

If your hired attorney advises you IN WRITING that you can leave the home without legal VA consequences, the courts will say that you acted "reasonably" in depending upon that advice.

There is no free lunch. Spend the extra coupla hundred bucks

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think everyone coming at this all wrong. You filed first, that's a huge first step. Did you self-file or have an attorney? You should be working on a temporary custody agreement. Fuck the VA. Do you really want to leave your kids alone with this psycho?

Consequently, as long as the mortgage is on time the VA could give 2 shits where you sleep at night. It will play better for you in court if you don't leave, however.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy

Read every single book on stoicism you can find.

Maintain a very healthy diet and exercise regimen. Lift heavy weight, alternate days with good cardio.

Spend as much time as you reasonably can outside in sun and fresh air, preferably doing cardio.

Make SURE you are in contact with your attorney, ask for and follow his advice.

This is not an amicable split, and all my usual rhetoric aside about divorce and her turning into Lucifer's personal cock-sucking whore from hell, please focus on the following...

You must have an absolute frame and appear to be the most reasonable man on the planet.

You must know every factoid imaginable about your kid(s). Favorite EVERYTHINGS, strengths, weaknesses, everything.

Continue (start?) spending the maximum amount of time possible with your kid(s) and learn/have a rock-solid morning/evening routine with them.

Go to u/Red-Curious post history and start reading his posts and comments on other posts. Take notes. Ask your attorney questions.

Remember, at the end of the day, when the divorce is final, the attorney is paid, and the ex-wife is officially the cunt-shrew you thought she was, YOU are going to have to live with the results forever.

You usually get one legitimate shot at this.

Fight like your future depends on it, because it does.

Congratulations.

You have taken a step towards a better life.

You are about to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, so...

BECOME THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THE VALLEY

[–]Red-Curious3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

Beautifully said.

Let me add to OP that the single most important thing you can do up front to prepare for the battle ahead is to map out your negotiation high and low up front. Consider the following categories:

  • bank accounts
  • vehicles
  • retirement
  • real estate
  • investments
  • business interests
  • credit cards
  • medical bills
  • student loans
  • mortgages
  • vehicle loans
  • custody
  • parenting time
  • school placement
  • child support
  • spousal support
  • medical needs/expenses for kids
  • extracurricular activities for kids
  • dependency deductions
  • pets

First circle the ones most important to you or just reorganize the list in honest priority. If the kids aren't as important as your retirement don't lie to yourself because you think you're supposed to put them on to. If they are on top, out them there. But I'm constantly amazed at how child support is a higher priority for guys than time with the kids. Nevertheless, custody and parenting time are so important for girls that this type of attitude gives huge leverage. All I'm saying is to be honest with yourself.

Second, with that prioritization write out your realistic best case scenario. Don't give yourself 100% of the retirement unless it's all separate property or you're giving up something else in exchange - but don't sell yourself short either. That's for the next step.

Third, do the same thing again, except identifying your absolute bottom line - three minimum you would accept to settle the case.

Give that to your attorney up front, tweak it as you go, but maintain a strong sense of the legal cost you will incur to (1) get between these goal posts, and (2) to move your result up once in the goal posts.

Following this strategy is the difference between my $10,000 legal fee cases and my $100,000+ legal fee cases. I give it to all my clients and those who have a clear vision for their priorities always save buttloads on legal fees. The ones who have no clear goal or think they have to win on every issue end up spending a small fortune.

[–]WesternhagenWinner1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'm constantly amazed at how child support is a higher priority for guys than time with the kids. Nevertheless, custody and parenting time are so important for girls that this type of attitude gives huge leverage.

Aren't the two issues inseparable? Custody and more parenting time automatically means more child support, right? Many cynics believe women want custody and maximum parenting time precisely because that maximizes the child support payments to them (which they can spend however they want, not necessarily on children).

How could a man "leverage" the female desire for parenting time such that she'd agree to "she gets more parenting time but in exchange he pays her less money"?

[–]Red-Curious2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Custody and more parenting time automatically means more child support, right?

Not in the slightest. At least not in my state. Child support is calculated based on a rote formula. If a guy gets more than "local rule" parenting time, then child support can go down, but giving the mother additional parenting time does not increase his child support obligation - it's only a one-way deviation. Technically the law allows it to work two-ways but there is absolutely no precedent in any jurisdiction I've ever researched in my state for an increase.

Many cynics believe women want custody and maximum parenting time precisely because that maximizes the child support payments to them

They're not cynics, this is real. I just finished representing a woman on this exact issue. Granted, the guy more than deserved it (constant acts of physical violence enacted against the mother and the child both; lying about his income; concealing assets; back-alley stock transactions with a privately owned corporations; etc.).

which they can spend however they want, not necessarily on children

So, this accusation always strikes me as potentially truthful, but most often ignorant. In my state, the child support numbers aren't based on future out-of-pocket expenditures alone. It includes things like rent to afford a place big enough for the kids; additional utilities the kids use; additional groceries to keep them fed; etc. In other words, basic living expenses that the mother would have to pay anyway are higher because she has the kids than what she would require if she were alone. The court builds these into the calculations. So, if you've got a child support obligation of $750/mo and the mother has to pay an extra $250/mo to have a 2-bedroom apartment instead of a 1-bedroom (or comparable situation for a house), then 1/3 of your child support obligation is built into this price differential. Tack in an additional, say, $100 for increased utility consumption and $300 for food, that leaves her with $100 left for clothes, extracurricular activities, school expenses, shoes, entertainment, etc. That's obviously not enough - and the courts expect mom to pay the rest out of her own income. Obviously I'm using round/estimated numbers, but that's how it works. Most guys mistakenly think that child support is just about the out-of-pocket stuff that you decide to buy and they forget about the cost differential for all the base necessities of just living.

How could a man "leverage" the female desire for parenting time such that she'd agree to "she gets more parenting time but in exchange he pays her less money"?

"I could fight for shared parenting with 50/50 time, but if you waive child support I'll let you have custody, I just want my time" and if she doesn't bite, "What if I let you have an extra overnight per week, as long as I get the after-school time that night?" Women eat this up. You offer that, she'll usually give you anything else you want financially - including a larger chunk of the retirement. The maternal instinct to feel in control of the children is insanely powerful. The guy can go off and control things in the world all he wants. A wounded woman doesn't experience that control the same way, so her children are her only source of power and stability in life - she'll give anything to keep that security.

About 80% of men I go against don't actually care about custody when they realize that custody has nothing to do with time with the children. They didn't care who picks the pediatrician or the dentist when they were married, and they don't care much more after the marriage is over. Really, those are the only big decisions custody affects. In some occasions it can affect extracurricular activities too, but those usually get spelled out as being joint decisions even in sole custody plans. "School decisions" gets talked about a lot, but in reality there aren't many to be made - you go to school in the district where you live and until high school you don't have much choice on classes, and even then the kids themselves are usually the ones who pick those with a guidance counselor, not the parents.

So, a guy has to ask himself at some point: is it worth $750/mo to be able to choose which pediatrician and dentist your child sees? She could, of course, pick an insanely expensive one and you'll always get stuck with 1/2 the med bills (sometimes more, but rarely) - but this hurts her wallet too, and a cheap doctor v. expensive one won't usually be a cost differential of $750/mo - so you're still saving.

[–]WesternhagenWinner0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In my state, the "sole custody" formula is a rote income formula (the non-custodial parent pays the custodial parent, even if the custodial parent has higher income).

For shared custody, child support varies according to income share and custody share; the more "overnights" you have, the less you pay. If the man has a higher income, this can be offset to an extent by having more overnights. The difference between sole and shared support obligation can be huge, especially computed over many years until all kids are no longer minors. A woman making less income than a man would have to be pretty stupid to go for the agreement you mentioned ("I could fight for shared parenting with 50/50 time, but if you waive child support I'll let you have custody, I just want my time"). But you say it happens in your state...

Even if the STBX wife agreed, I would have definite qualms about her changing her mind later, or some judge deciding it was "unfair" and overturning it. But that's a matter to discuss with lawyers.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Custody and more parenting time automatically means more child support, right?

It means the exact opposite. The more time with the kids, the less child support.

[–]WesternhagenWinner0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

By that I meant, child support money flows towards the parent who spends more time with the kids (more custody = you get more child support).

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Read the rules on that loan and absolutely do not leave that house - under no uncertain terms.

Own Your Shit. Don't make bullshit excuses about the photos. That is a mistake of epic proportions and you know it.

Cut the bullshit and move forward

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Keep it real

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

As I can get. Allowing failure is unacceptable in this He has a duty to himself to protect every square inch of turf mentally, emotionally and physically as he can Failure is not an option.

Educating himself and protecting every angle is crucial

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I’m sure this is tough but you’re wrong enough to weather this storm. Remember just because she makes threats doesn’t mean she can pull them off. She’s using that to hurt you. Don’t let it show at all.

Stay strong.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good call on the recorder, just make sure she knows you have it. I would "on tape" inform her that you have it, that you are recording AT ALL TIMES, and that you will inform her verbally AND with written notice if you are ceasing recording. Keep it prominently worn.

Just trying to keep you ahead of any claimed wiretap issues.

I'm assuming you have changed your passwords. Did she have permission to access your account? If not, I would get her on tape admitting that she "hacked" into your accounts. Also, if the photos are "incriminating" (I'm not sure what that means) I would include the content of those photos in the discussion on tape, so she knows it will be part of "evidence" that will be brought to light if she tries something in court.

[–]platewrecked0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Record. If you are in a single party notification state/ jurisdiction then don't tell her and let her say crazy shit.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think she is capable of anything at this point.

You are correct. Play the game accordingly.

As advised by others here, try to find a way to get out of co-habitation. The current situation is not healthy for anyone.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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