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How not to show butthurt when turned down

Reddit View
August 20, 2017

I'm having a hard time when getting a no to sex to hide that im mad.

I try and act cool and coy but my wife seems to know when im mad.

Sometimes I just want to get up leave and go to the gym or a walk but then that looks like a bitch move also.

Need some insight

Post Information
Title How not to show butthurt when turned down
Author throwaways999111
Upvotes 7
Comments 65
Date 20 August 2017 10:22 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

First marriage....waaaaaay before MRP

Me: kino, game, be fun all day long. Then at night before bed, initiate.

Her: "Not tonight, I'm super tired."

Me: get out of bed and get dressed.

Her: "Don't be mad."

Me: "I'm not mad. I have all this positive energy and I'm going to go spend it in a positive way." Walking out the bedroom door.

Her: "Where are you going?"

Me: ~crickets~

And I go do something on the to-do list, or I'd actually leave the house and go out for a bit. THAT gets their hamster going, but I went to a bookstore/coffee shop and just talked to women.

Next morning:

Her: "I don't understand why you get so mad when you don't get sex. Most men get less than you do."

Me: "I don't get mad. I'm just not going to lay there with a raging hard-on waiting for it to go away. So I'm going to do something until it goes away."

Her: "So where DID you go last night?"

Me: "Someplace that helped me with my hard on."

Her: "Hamster hamster blah blah blah."

This was all BEFORE I knew about MRP, NMMNG, etc.

And in my first marriage these were the best of times before 6 years of deadbedroom that contributed significantly to me filing for divorce with 4 kids.

Besides this display that was preMRP, my suggestion is to stop initiating for awhile.

It is validation to her and makes her feel secure knowing you are only getting sex from her and she holds that power over you.

It's not popular and it's not a permanent solution, but stop initiating for a time and turn it in your mind into you denying HER. Flip the script. Get HER hamster wondering why you aren't initiating any more.

Are you tracking her cycle?

Are you initiating at different times of the day and on different days of the week?

Kino and game running strong and well?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I just realized your age in your name.

[–]jcrptaRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Me: ~crickets~ And I go do something on the to-do list, or I'd actually leave the house and go out for a bit. THAT gets their hamster going, but I went to a bookstore/coffee shop and just talked to women.

Okay, can I get something straight?

Where do you live that there's anywhere worth going to open when you're taking her to bed? The only things in this area are all-night supermarkets and petrol stations.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I live in a college town and because I am a senior citizen, my normal bedtime is about 10 PM.

After 10 PM there are two big box bookstores with cafés that are open until midnight.

There are many all night gyms, and one that is staffed and takes drop-ins for five dollars an hour to work out, all night long.

There are several coffee shops that are open until 1:00 AM. As well as a few all night, 24 hour restaurants.

Then there is the bar scene downtown, which is 12 minutes from my house. This of course goes on until 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning.

[–]Red-Curious9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

I'm having a hard time when getting a no to sex to hide that im mad.

They key is not to be mad. If you're not mad, you won't have trouble hiding anything. How do you do this? Abundance mentality.

I try and act cool and coy but my wife seems to know when im mad.

I was turned down last week. My wife then got into "Oh no, he's probably mad at me!" mode and decided to offer pity sex. I told her, "I don't want sex if it's going to be like that; that's not fun." She answers, "But you're mad!" I said, "If I was mad, would I do this?" then I proceeded to make out with her for about 2 minutes. Then I walked away with a "goodnight." She was smiling the whole time I walked away. Next day? She turned her attitude toward sex around.

Now, the next day didn't go so well because she was impressed at how I didn't get all butt-hurt. It went better because she knew I wanted sex the night before and she wasn't feeling it. So, she decided to gear herself up to feel it. Avoiding being butt-hurt doesn't necessarily increase attraction; rather being butt-hurt removes her imperative to think about sex positively. You're training her to think that sex is a source of stress, frustration, anger, etc. Don't let her associate sex with those emotions - even if you're the one feeling those emotions and not her. If she thinks you're feeling that way, then she falls into shame and guilt and sex (or even the thought of it at that point) conditions her to feel those things.

[–]chachaChad6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're training her to think that sex is a source of stress, frustration, anger, etc.

THIS IS FUCKING GOLD RIGHT HERE. In the past, I would be all angry and shitty if I didn't get sex and I was totally training her. Now, I'm training her that sex and flirting are fun again!

For awhile, I tried to initiate like a porn star with some pretty serious, aggressive moves. That just does not fucking work for my wife. She's gets freighted and recoils. If I'm a little more smooth and but more fun about, she totally responds.

Once she's in the middle of the act, she might even says something a little more directly sexual. That's my invitation to bring it further. Of course, there are times that she doesn't want to hear and just wants me to plow away. Have to know when to shut the fuck up, too.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

The next day didn't go so well because she was impressed at how I didn't get all butt-hurt. It went better because she knew I wanted sex the night before and she wasn't feeling it.

She wanted it the next night because you turned her on with all the kissing and OI. Don't forget women are like irons while men are like flamethrowers. Irons take time to heat up.

[–]Red-Curious0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good point.

[–]BobbyPeru8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

I A&A the crap out of it physically- get on top in a joking way and start dry humping her until she laughs. Then, laugh as your getting off her.

Sometimes, I'll tell her I'll stop as soon as she puts it in her mouth. Then, after she does I genuinely laugh my ass off. She'll usually say something like "you're so bad", which is womanese for I like your alpha aggressiveness since you didn't try to actually rape me, and I liked your cock in my mouth, and I'm going to fuck you tomorrow

The key is, just have fun with it.

[–]TrenGod374 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don't see how going to the gym or doing something else is a bitch move. The opposite. A bitch move would be to say okay and cuddle with her.

Go do something else. Don't go stomping to do it. Put on a smile and do it. And when she asks if you're mad give her an uppity no and then go do something else

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's all in the nonverbal subcomm whether this goes well or not.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

The biggest step forward is not solely initiating at bedtime. Bedtime puts you in a difficult position.

If you are all prepped for bed and get turned down your alternatives are slim without looking butthurt. If it is earlier and you basically can decide to have sex, clean the garage or work on your computer you remove the sex as an important mission. You then turn sex into something you wanted to do before cleaning the garage. You are not dependent on it.

If your logistics don't allow it and you can only initiate late at bed time, turn around and sleep. Sleep or sex must carry the same weighting for you. Never say "Its OK" and end up giving her a foot rub.

If the rejections carry on for an unreasonably long time, then get dressed and leave the house. Make sure you slip into the shower when you get home, even if you have showered earlier that evening.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wife gave me a hard no last Wednesday. She had a legit long day and is going through some chick drama with her best friend. I could have pushed through but I could tell in her face that she wasn't feeling it and it would have been starfish. She said, "how about tomorrow." Which she did deliver on. No biggie. I gave her a kiss, went up to my room to change and take care of a few other things.

(This is key. Don't go from "no" immediately to the front door. That does look butthurt and like you've been planning this walkout. Go in the other room, clean the kitchen, something. Do something for 5 or 10 minutes.)

Then I came down, dressed a little nicer and told her I was headed out to the store to grab a few things and then probably to a local pub that has open mic on Wednesday that my band plays at sometimes. She seemed a little disappointed but not mad and that was that. I spent the next hour and a half talking to and teasing an attractive (HB8) who recently quote her job as a teacher to pursue her music career full time. She was there to play. We talked about all sorts of stuff and at one point asks me, "so do you have some job that you have to get up early for?" (IOI) I do and had to leave shortly after but i got her contact info and went home feeling abundant.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm usually not that upset post rejection anymore, but my wife still thinks I am or will be. Can't really blame her after years of conditioning her that way.

The best I do with it is just laugh about it. Make a joke, get her laughing somehow (about anything) and you're good. Turn away quietly and sit with a book, and she just thinks I'm butthurt.

It's annoying as fuck, but there are worse problems to have.

[–]askmeanything21 point2 points  (13 children) | Copy

Consider the "no" as a free pass to use the time (and then some) to do something you want to do, as if you were single and active. Don't make this an escape (stare at TV or computer, porn, weed, heavy drinking). Go do what you want to do as the temporarily "single" and active guy, which sometimes but not always will have you getting out. There is a lot of stuff to do, which include hobbies, art shows, lectures, independent films, gym, shoot hoops, biking, fishing, live music and learn something new.

[–]throwaways999111[S] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

But if I up and leave I look like a pouty bitch cuz i didn't get laid.

[–]TrenGod371 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

No You don't unless you have a pouty face and stomp your feet. You look like a man who's going to do some more productive shit. Since his girl didn't put out.

Looking like a bitch is sitting there with your arms crossed and pouty face on. Or like I said below. Cuddling her and rubbing her back or some beta type shit.

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

There have been times when she says no but suggests cuddling and I've actually been fine with that. Used to be that the idea of cuddling instead of sex would send me into a tantrum.

Sometimes I actually want cuddling.

[–]TrenGod371 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

If it's what you want then go for it. Just remember females like cuddling. So when she rejects you for sex and you give her cuddles. She wins. So you're showing her she still gets rewarded even if she doesn't give you what you want

For me personally it's more important to prove a point and suffer a cuddle then it is to get rejected and still cuddle. Comes off pathetic in my eyes

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I get what you're saying but, this time, I wasn't trying to prove a point and it I was totally not butt hurt about. I think it worked out fine. She initiated in the morning.

[–]TrenGod370 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Then you're good. But that's not what you had asked in your original post

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, you're right. I'm not always able to not be butt hurt. Working on it. Trying to learn more.

[–]askmeanything21 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Don't frame it as if you leaving because of the no ("well since we are not having sex I'm leaving"). Instead frame it as bored, you need to be active, and matter-of-fact, as if it's nothing.

"I'm bored, nothing on TV, so I'm going to the golf range"

"I got some energy to burn, I'm going to the pool for a swim"

"There's a seminar on art history, I'm checking it out"

See no butthurt, just free and active guy

[–]throwaways999111[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yea that I can do. I guess my main problem is if it happens later at night. Say 8pm ish. I'm going to bed by 10 usually so now I am not going to the range or gym. I guess i could read

[–]askmeanything20 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Taking reading, sometimes it will be just read

and sometimes it can be go to the library or bookstore (if open untl 9, if you have a nearby college then their library often open very late) or go to a book reading, or meet up with a friend to discuss what you are reading, or go to the park to mediate on what you are reading etc.

Even with reading, it can be active

Domesticated, tamed, boring, not active = unattractive

Free, untamed, interesting, active = attractive

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So it's 8pm, and you seriously cannot think of ANYTHING productive or fun you can do for you for the next 2 hours?

[–]straius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just accept it when it happens (that you're mad and probably showing it with body posture) and try to do better the next time. It's not that big a deal if she knows you're upset anyway.

Just don't talk about it or give her emotion puke about it. If you're just mad, consider it no gain and no loss. If you then talk about why your mad, now your in negative territory.

Even in the presence of an unassailable argument that you will suffer a negative effect for getting mad, you're still better off viewing it as above.

Reason being you're going to be stacking anger that you failed in some small way on top of anger getting rejected and you'll just feed one into the other and make it that much harder to unfuck your head.

You'll have slightly more control the next time and then the next time after that and then the next time after that... etc...

Literally everything in MRP works this way since it's all centered around self improvement. Not to mention just about any other area in life you are attempting to improve or train.

Give yourself the room to fail and you'll get better at it faster.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's made or broken with your non verbals

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (18 children) | Copy

I totally have the same issue. When I get rejected I feel hurt and worthless and alone. Those are just feelings and aren’t actually true. I’m still the same fucking rockstar I was 2 minutes ago. Don’t get me wrong. I fucking love sex but I don’t need it to validate my value. I think th thing to do is have other options. If wife says no I sometimes read a book or watch something on my phone. I don’t get up and leave because I’m not that hurt.

I’d love to hear how others handle this as this is such avfundemental step in MRP.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (15 children) | Copy

If you're getting laid often, getting positive receptions, getting friendly company - then who cares about that one night where she actually feels like shit?

If you're not getting laid often, then the question I'd ask you is - is fucking you fun or is it a chore?

Edit: Speaking off --- check out this post from r/db

She said sex feels like a chore, and wasn't interested in it.

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (14 children) | Copy

Great answer! 3 months ago fucking me was a chore for her. It’s starting to turn around. Thanks!

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (13 children) | Copy

Check out this link I just updated with.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

welp. wonder if he finds his way here.

at least his wife had balls

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

Nope. That fucker still writes like he's a victim.

We would've verbally assraped him for having that mentality.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

you misread... I mean I wonder if he WILL find his way here.. or trp or anything else red.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Didn't misunderstand. The answer is nope. Getting here requires not being a victim.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

plenty start at victim

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

You want to put money on it?

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I feel hurt and worthless and alone

because you are

if you don't have a backup plan to go do something that would ACTUALLY have been the second most valuable way to spend your time (ie, second-place after getting laid)..... then that's your problem. So fix that.

[–]chachaChad0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yea I get that. That’s what I’m trying to work on but I’m totally stuck in my own head. Honestly, it’s been about 3 years where all I can think about is my shitty marriage. Time to get out of that loop.

Noticing that even when I’m with people I’m absent. Considering antidepressants. Tried those before and didn’t like the side effects. At this point, I’ve been in therapy for a year and couples therapy for 3 months. Doing MRP for 3 months with some success I at first but really having a hard time getting busy without acting out.

[–]TurdDoctor0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

When turned down, I think of the positive changes I've made since finding MRP and feel good about that- about the better man she's married to. I know intellectually that it's her loss but emotionally it weighs sometimes and I feel distanced from her. I'm good at controlling emotion but honestly it makes me question if the relationship will survive. I'm 100% committed to one month of working on me per year of marriage, with no Rambo fuckups. But as I see myself improve her pussy comes down from the pedestal and I know I could do better if the need arises. When you internalize that her pussy isn't made of platinum and you could do better if need be, it helps you feel better when turned down. It's not easy to hide your anger but fake it until you make it.

[–]throwaways999111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I know i can find another woman easy. That is not my concern at all.

[–]phx_rises0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

At this point - any gesture is deemed as being butt hurt on my part. Is there ever a time you should stop initiating? I've been getting constant nos - some soft but most hard nos lately.

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

What are your stats physically? Don't bullshit here.

[–]throwaways999111[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

6ft3 170 swimmers build. Can't lift due to old injuries. I do kickboxing now

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Only one way to not appear butt hurt, don't be.

Your wife does not "owe" you sex. You re gonna have to game that lay out of her.

The bottom line is she isn't attracted to you. RIGHT NOW, but if you run your process, she will become attracted, or other women will in her place.

I believe butthurt from initiation rejection comes from covert contracts that remain from the old beta behavior and from ego protection. Shut both of those down immediately, they are holding you back.

Here's my last thing I hope you realize, - You have nothing to lose. You are risking nothing. What's the worst thing that could happen? You get out of a sexless marriage. Take some risks. Don't treat her as the only woman you have access to sexually. Time to make her earn your attention. And I mean she better not offer some standard, starfish sex. If you are a man of value, then fuck like one.

I'm not suggesting Rambo, I am suggesting you take proper stock of the situation and act accordingly.

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Your wife does not "owe" you sex

I call bullshit. BEING your sex doll is the ONLY reason she got a ring.

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Make a post on this notion. Feel free to quote me. I'll engage. At the point of marriage. It is implied that sex is part of the contract of marriage. BUT, if you're right, then why is MRP here at all?

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

It is implied that sex is part of the contract of marriage

no.... it is stated out loud.... "to have and to hold". You are correct that marriage is a contract. And contracts, when breached, may be adjudicated to be finished. Google on "constructive abandonment"

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You're confusing reality with what "should" happen.

She owes you sex right? How far does that go? She owes you sex eventhough you're a fat ass and weren't when you married?

She owes you sex when she's not attracted to you, right?

What about when she packs on 100 lbs? Through sickness and health right? Time to get out the flour buddy, you owe her sex too, spread it out and find the wet spot.

It's a weak mindset and leads to covert contracts all over the place. You can hide behind the language of wedding vows, or you can earn what you deserve from a woman.

A woman will only ever give you what you have earned, regardless of what you think you're owed.

Let's say she agrees with your take, congrats, now you get sex motivated by a sense of duty. I bet that is really wild and crazy.

It's a weak mindset.

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She owes you sex when she's not attracted to you, right?

according to the contract she freely accepted.... she does

if she doesn't like it, she can petition the court for a divorce

you can earn what you deserve from a woman

that's great for you in your relationship.

Me? When the contract is breached, I petition the court to put it aside.

Each to their own.

[–]RPJMRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Me, when the contract is breached, I petition the court to put it aside."

Awesome- what is breached for you? How long before you report her and risk divorce rape?

And here's where you say you have a prenup or that the judge is going to agree with you because she broke the contract then she is going to say she has hormone problems and You look like you're abandoning a sick wife....

This goes on and on- the bottom line is any way you cut it, there are plenty of men that should forget the concept that their wives own them sex based on an outdated vow system.

Because the second they set about making themselves better and leading their family better, all the things we work on here, they are much more likely to get what they want..from this wife or the next. And there in lies the problem with your take. .you can keep rolling through women waiting for the one with the same ideals as yourself....or you could become attractive and you won't have to run to a judge to get your dick sucked.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

How and when do you initiate? Lead me through a day of your interactions with your wife that land you a rejection. If you had to guess a percentage, how often are you rejected?

[–]throwaways999111[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I would prob say im rejected slightly over 50pct of the time..maybe 60pct.

I do try and game my wife. Honestly it can be tough.

I'm up sun thru thurs 5am and im not home till 4pm.

I also do a double usually once a week, but now being summer and it's busy im doing a double twice a week. So sometimes im not home till 1130 at night. Shower sleep and repeat.

I try and go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week and i have my guys night out every Tuesday.

So a typical day i get home, chat with the wife a few and usually head to the gym if im not dead tired. Get back home about 6. Shower, eat and relax. So between 6 and 930 ish is the time i have to escalate.

Now on my days off fri and sat sex happens more because we do spend more time together those days.

So during the week it can be tough. She is not a big sexting gal where I can chat thru the day and when i get home she is revved up.

She is more that the mood has to be good. She is in a good mood, im happy go lucky etc. Sometimes it seems the stars need to be perfectly aligned.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How is your DEVI?

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think the butt hurt comes not from rejection alone but knowing she controls your options. I.e. you have none.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fake it until you make it

I just shrug and laugh now I live in my frame, not hers

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The righteous anger of a good man is something to be feared, not hidden.

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

do you insist that your barber must be in a GREAT mood when he cuts your hair?

I've had PLENTY of her-in-starfish sex. Got me from Point A to Point B, just fine.

There is such a thing as starfish support to a woman. And I am quite happy to cut it back to that when the situation calls for that

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

get up leave and go to the gym or a walk

Do that.

You do have other things to do with your time than mope around the house, right?

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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