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Wife won't engage with me emotionally

Reddit View
August 19, 2017
7 upvotes

I'll give y'all the long story short since I haven't posted much. Married about a year, ok balance of alpha and beta traits dating. Married, went pretty beta really quick, sex dried up and then found the red pill in March or so. Started lifting, read NMMNG and IFGWISN and lurking on MRP. I went pretty rambo, the wife found fight club, it turned into a shit show and it ended with me deciding to take a break from reading MRP. During this 'break' I focused on internalizing the two books I had read, lifting, and also hitting Jordan Peterson pretty hard to try and develop a MAP of sorts (sorting yourself out and future authoring program). Since I began this break I've gotten ahead at work, I've developed a somewhat decent frame, and I've gotten involved in the local political scene as a way to meet new friends but also have positive outlet outside of work. Now that its been a few months and her attention has drifted away from fight club, I'm starting to read this subreddit again, I'm halfway thru Rational Male (I need to read IFGWISN again though as I struggle with DEER and losing frame a bit still). Last key bit of info is that in the past few months I've only been turned down for sex maybe once or twice, but I only initiate about twice a week. She has said a few times that she feels I only use her for sex and it drives down the amount I go for it.

So now that you know the basics; today I overheard her talking about her day to a friend (assumed orbiter). She was talking about her recent doctor visit that I knew nothing about. Made me realize that we haven't engaged or 'connected' with each other in a couple months or so. I'm worried about this because I feel its whats making her think I only use her for sex, and I also do want to be able to connect with my wife. She shuts down any kind of conversation though unless its a fight, and then she can go for quite a while about our problems. She complains that I don't take her at face value, I don't think her face value is even internally consistent much less accurate of reality. She also complains that I'm not nice to her. I can be quite critical its true, but I also get the feeling that she feels entitled to compliments and so she doesn't recognize them, only when I'm not nice.

Since before we got married I've thought that I can't get thru to her. She's like a wounded animal that won't let you get close or move away without attacking, she only seems to be happy when I stay stationary, but I want to progress as a man. I'm getting the feeling that me chasing my 'MAP' has caused her to feel left behind, but she refuses to get in my frame. I think she's highly resentful and it caused her to hit me last week.

Do you think there is anything left to salvage here? I'm at my wits end I know that if she doesn't follow we'll end up divorced (as Christians we're opposed to this)(no kids! :)), but I can't get thru to her. Is there something I'm missing here, that I'm doing wrong or interpreting her wrong?


Post Information
Title Wife won't engage with me emotionally
Author Progress_Set
Upvotes 7
Comments 37
Date 19 August 2017 08:26 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205643
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6unyxv/wife_wont_engage_with_me_emotionally/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
MAPDEERalphabetaframeorbiterliftthe red pillcloseNMMNG
Comments

[–]askmeanything29 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

She also complains that I'm not nice to her.

Is this true? Remember ever morning reset the scoreboard and always start nice

I can be quite critical its true

STFU more

Say nice things, stay calm, active listening, care

Do what you want

When you want to be critical, STFU instead and go do something you want

[–]2ndalRed Beret13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy

reset the scoreboard and always start nice

I fucking love this. Women talk in absolutes, but their emotions are a reflection of how they feel right now.

[–]maxofreddit5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Women talk in absolutes, but their emotions are a reflection of how they feel right now.

Remember this... It's key. This is why a woman can scream, "I hate you, you're an asshole!" And 5 minutes later be naked with you giving you the best sex you've had in months.

Once again... You may love a woman, but a woman doesn't love you, she loves the way you make her feel (and that's a constantly moving target).

[–]Raspu1011 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

In negotiation it's called the truth forever, for now

[–]askmeanything21 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

don't credit me, this comes from bpp and the gang, thank bpp by buying and reading his excellent book

[–]thunderbeyond1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

reset the scoreboard and always start nice

I like that idea. Even when (or especially?) when she's full harpy. Its dead simple, yet shows her you are kind and fun, and that you are leading her to a new day and an opportunity to be respectful to each other. It shows you DGAF about the shit she tried to give you yesterday, shows you ain't a butthurt fag.

Thanks.

[–]Progress_Set[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This was easily the most valuable comment. Im obviously still butthurt about her attitude. Thanks for the clarity brother.

[–]13GoRed2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Well there needs to be some sort of context in your post.

Perhaps when you said she 'hit' you because you insulted her and she, tries to act in annoyance, ran up to you and start gently chopping your back with her palms, because you've done that?

Perhaps you should also said that she called the cops on you once and hung up because she was fear for her life because you've completely destroyed the apartment, toss the trash everywhere, punch a hole in the wall, toss the books everywhere? She didn't proceed because she loves you and didn't want you to be sent to jail?

Perhaps when you said she didn't engage you in her dr. Visit, maybe because she told you about her dr. Visit the day before and you refuse to ask her how was it the next day after she's home from the dr. Visit?

Perhaps when she was on the phone, she's talking to her best friend (girl)?

Perhaps next time you should be appreciative of the anniversary gift she carefully picked out and packaged for you instead of tossing it in the trash because you cannot control your emotion?

Perhaps you should think about what you said to her when you wanted to yell out 'I don't love you anymore, I hate you, I have no desire for you, I have lost faith, you do you and I do me.'? And then asked 'why doesn't she love me?' Or 'why doesn't she engage emotionally with me?' Well, look at what you said.

Perhaps you should give her time like she had asked you to instead of blasting it on the internet and giving false informations?

I know all of this, because I was there. Perhaps you should be fair to her, and stop demonizing her. You both bore 50% of the shit that y'all got yourselves in.

Be a man. Be the leader all you want, but don't forget about her. Take responsibility of the hurt you've put her through.

Edit: and perhaps when you said we should move on from this, you don't blast it over the internet, and actually move on and not talk about it?

[–]mtdog1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Looks like your OPSEC is lacking, OP.

[–]hystericalbonding2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

a somewhat decent frame

Now that its been a few months and her attention has drifted away from fight club, I'm starting to read this subreddit again

Your frame is weak.

My wife spent an entire day reading my post history and all my PMs from my old account. It was rough for both of us, because I had emphasized the negative interactions very heavily when illustrating points. That's no way to treat a first officer. Fortunately it lead to extremely productive discussions. Some of those were initiated by her, and just as many were initiated by me.

All cards are on the table. She knows I'm back on reddit. She was hesitant about it, at first, but I'm open about everything. We have always had free access to each other's phones, email, and passwords, with the exception of one secret document for gift ideas.

Made me realize that we haven't engaged or 'connected' with each other in a couple months or so

That's your responsibility, captain. Connecting with my wife, ensuring that we sit down and properly talk a couple of times per week was upon my insistence. Start there. You may have yourself a walkaway wife.

Last key bit of info is that in the past few months I've only been turned down for sex maybe once or twice, but I only initiate about twice a week

Sex may not be the best metric for the stability of your relationship, or the fulfillment it provides to either of you.

I'm getting the feeling that me chasing my 'MAP' has caused her to feel left behind

Have you laid out your vision for the marriage? Is it in your MAP to include her in that? Is it in your MAP to make her feel desired for anything other than sex? If all you need is sex, you can get a prostitute or spin some plates. Christian values aren't a good enough reason to stay married, for either of you.

[–]Progress_Set[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Im confused here because I cant tell is if she is going to follow or not. I moved across the country to be with her as she goes to school (pre MRP) Im totally ok with adjusting the MAP to include her wants/desires as long as I get meaning and success for myself now that I've already committed. Abundance mentality tells me that we can both win and adjusting for her is a nice challenge Ive started to enjoy.

I need to delve out if she will follow or not so I can decide if I will divorce or not and not have that option hang over my head as a possibility. I believe being indecisive about divorce is toxic to a marriage.

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I need to delve out if she will follow or not

Check Aliexpress for crystal balls. What you're saying is ridiculous.

being indecisive about divorce is toxic to a marriage

The marriage in its current state is already toxic to both of you. Fix your skills. Adjust your MAP. See what happens.

[–]SgtSilverBack1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do not adjust your MAP to include her wants. YOUR MAP is for you to become a better man. Changing your mission for someone else got you here to start with, don't make the same mistake again.

If you want to connect emotionally b/c that is the man that you want to be, then learn how to do that. Make an emotionally stable and open man part of your MAP for YOU. Then you can lead her to an emotionally healthy relationship when you finally know how to do it.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I think this is what failing repeated comfort tests looks like.

My suggestion is to read Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty. It is a very purple pill but there are some nuggets ensconced in that steaming fistula.

She shuts down any kind of conversation though unless its a fight,

No idea what "shuts down" a conversation looks like.

then she can go for quite a while about our problems.

A woman who can only complain and bitch? Your kidding!

She complains that I don't take her at face value,

Doggy is definitely better because it lets you see her real value much better and it is not her face and CERTAINLY not her yapper.

I don't think her face value is even internally consistent much less accurate of reality.

So you are contemptuous? I think THIS is the problem. Wifey thinks you don't like her. I don't think you do either.

She also complains that I'm not nice to her.

No! A woman complains? Hmmm, have you tried to BE "nice" to her. You know, after a good romp in the hay?

I can be quite critical its true, but I also get the feeling that she feels entitled to compliments

DEER

if she doesn't follow we'll end up divorced

What does it look like for her to follow? What exactly do you expect from her? She is not turning down sex. You say she turns around any conversation but what does that even mean?

[–]Progress_Set[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'll check out that book, thanks for the recomendation. Im not going to go point by point, not worth your time, but it gives me some things to think about. Thanks boss.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dammit, you left out the part about the doctor. Did he ever tell her the sex of the baby her and her boyfriend are having?

[–]Progress_Set[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lol

[–]2ndalRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think there's a lot you're missing. It feels that while you've read a bunch of the materials, you haven't really internalized them and certainly haven't put them into practice.

She has said a few times that she feels I only use her for sex and it drives down the amount I go for it.

Does this sound like a man in his own frame, living his life according to his wants and values?

I can be quite critical its true, but I also get the feeling that she feels entitled to compliments and so she doesn't recognize them, only when I'm not nice.

Being "nice" (not it in a Nice Guy way) is not about doling out compliments. Are you fun to be around? Do you have an interesting life? Do you give her the opportunity be a part of that life?

She's like a wounded animal that won't let you get close or move away without attacking, she only seems to be happy when I stay stationary, but I want to progress as a man.

Who gives a shit what she says she wants. You know what you want. Go progress. Because you haven't yet.

[–]chachaChad3 points4 points  (11 children) | Copy

Get yourself into therapy, STAT.

Time to let go of the Christian thing. She’s hitting you. That’s abuse and will escalate. This is a three alarm fire and you need to get yourself out of it. You can’t be worried about her.

[–]13GoRed1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If playfully nudge one another is consider 'hitting' then many people will be in jail. LOL

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes you are interpreting her wrong, she is talking to a friend about intimate issues and you are in her frame. Any woman who says, "you use me for sex" does not enjoy sex with you. Wow, you have so many issues. Just get on with self improvement and maybe things will get better. Maybe they wont and you will have to find a new life. For fucks sake don't tell us about you not believing in divorce, I don't give a shit if you are a Muslim or a Satanist, leave that stupid shit at the door. We talk in terms of alpha and beta here, if you want to talk religion, fuck off to a religious sub.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Maybe a good question for r/MRPW

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Nope! MRPW is for the girls NOT a place for the guys to ask questions.

If wifey were posting this question we would delete it and send her to MRPW but she is not.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Pretty sure I know which couple this is and these two jokers need to actually talk rather than keep stalking each other's Reddit accounts and blowing up on MRP/TBP. This is just going to repeat over and over again. MRPW might be able to break the cycle.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That would best be handled in PM. Go for it.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ha !

You are still operating in her frame.

All of this including taking a break from redpill is for her.

Can you spell covert contract ? How about oneitis ?

As per not being nice and you admitting to it ? WTF ? Can you spell Rambo ?

Now that you sprinkled some alphabon yur dick, put a drop of two of beta on it



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