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Cuddling at night without sex?

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August 7, 2017
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Title Cuddling at night without sex?
Author
Upvotes 7
Comments 24
Date 07 August 2017 12:34 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205727
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6s5804/cuddling_at_night_without_sex/
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[–]2ndalRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do you like to cuddle? If you do, then yeah sure.

Or do you dislike cuddling and only want to do it as a way to reward or as a covert contract for sex? Then no.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Man you can't approach TRP this way. Like... Do alphas do X or whatever. It's all about your frame. One man can do X and she gets tingles, another, lesser man does the same X and she's disgusted. It's not only what you do, it's who/why/how.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I was seeing a lot of "do it if you want" which, in most cases, is the way to go. But then again...if everything you want gives her everything she needs in terms of comfort, and she then denies you...what tools do you have?

I don't spoon with the wife at night unless we fucked that day or she behaved exceptionally well. I enjoy spooning, but realize she needs it more than me. I like your reply the best. It's who/why/how. If you are butthurt and turn away from her if she hard no's and say to yourself "well...no cuddles for you" that's weak. If you can take it or leave it, and use it as a feedback tool to train her without emotion, more power to you.

Post sex cuddle...also a good positive reinforcer.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agree with providing comfort after sex, it's a good move. A lot of the dynamics at play get lost in these basic questions.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Whatever you want, dude. You're thinking a bit too much about it.

For myself, I incorporate cuddling and massages as just part of my overall game/kino. I mostly do it at times when sex isn't expected or logistically possible. For example- wife and I are watching a movie with the kids, I'll pull her onto me and give her a head rub. Wife is at the kitchen counter chopping vegetables, I'll come up from behind and give an impromptu back massage.

If I was to do this in bed after the kids are down, it would appear to her as a covert contract. And if I'm rubbing her body in bed, no doubt I'm going to get horny and want to fuck.

Not to say you shouldn't ever cuddle your bitch in bed. If my woman fucked my brains out the night before, I wouldn't have a problem being the big spoon for a little while we watch some Netflix.

[–]2ndalRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I mostly do it at times when sex isn't expected or logistically possible.

This is smart and I don't do it enough. Deflects the "you only want me for sex..." shit tests preemptively.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Last night we were cuddling after quick primal sex. She said "It would be nice to just cuddle once in awhile."

Oxytocin is extremely important for establishing and maintaining pair-bonds. Quick primal fucks are "adrenaline sex" and don't do much if anything in the oxytocin domain. That's just to bring up that she was feeling particularly oxytocin-deprived after the fucking when she said this. Cuddling does operate oxytocin but it's slow. Slower "oxytocin sex" and "sexual massage" will produce a strong boost to the pair-bond that will last days. That strengthened pair-bond gives you a lot of room to take risks as stronger bonds are more difficult to break.

Now, it's entirely true that "quick primal sex" is considered alpha and alphas go almost exclusively for the excitement of "adrenaline sex". And it's probably considered beta as fuck to endure slow sensual sex. My experience is they are very complimentary--it's not zero sum.

"cuddle without getting pounced on"

So she predicts that cuddling will always lead to fast adrenaline sex. You're too predictable.

My wife somehow lived in the delusion that if I was erect it meant that we must fuck. So she would avoid cuddling. A few months of deliberately persuading her to spoon with my boner pressed into her ass without initiating solved that problem. This was back when I was doing "monk mode" and being a shit about rejection. I sort of started with the "oh, sure you won't fuck for reasons but surely you can manage to cuddle, what's your excuse not to cuddle?" attitude of calling her bluff on the bullshit. The way I play it now is that cuddling can lead to intercourse, but she must beg for it. If she doesn't no big deal. I don't expect it and I get to run my hands all over enjoying her body and teasing her. She's game on fairly often, though. If I feel like punishing her it's more about making her beg harder or leaving her turned on and frustrated.

She's never that affectionate to start with. Cuddling in a way is a reward for sex since that's the only time she's up for it.

Yeah, don't do that. You can only withhold as a punishment if you're taking something she wants or will miss. If she's not affectionate and not into cuddling you need to get her hooked on it first before its absence will be felt. It's funny. My wife was never very physically affectionate and came from a very not-physically-affectionate family. When I started the whole kino thing I stuck with it but didn't think it was working or having much of an effect at all. So I stopped putting in the effort--and to my great surprise within days she was asking why I wasn't grabbing her and touching her anymore and what she had done to deserve the punishment. Really blew my mind. Overall your wife sounds oxytocin starved to me.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

My wife somehow lived in the delusion that if I was erect it meant that we must fuck.

I am not seeing the problem.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Rather than give a soft no, she'd try to control my erections by preemptively avoiding physical intimacy. So cuddles and such were off the table.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

you should cuddle and kino your wife frequently without "pouncing".

you do not want the thought in her head that physical contact always ends up in initiation.

in this way you build sexual tension. ideally, your approach is so smooth and unpredictable that it "just happens"

on the other hand if she is being a real bitch, then cunts don't get cuddles

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I like it when my wife cuddles up to me when we're watching TV. Just cuddling seems boring.

Do what you want. If it comes across like beta to her she'll get bitchy or cold and you can reevaluate.

If you're still in the "fake it till you make it" phase, thinking "what would an alpha do" has merit, but you should be working towards a place where your frame is strong and you do what you want without worrying what she or MRP thinks of it.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cuddling is kino. More cuddling not ending in sex= more husband not being a horn dog and not making her feel like a piece of ass

Husband elevates to dread level #??? to start conditioning what ? Hm ??? What say you, alpha wanna be ?

Sidebar >>>>>

Perhaps you need to read. A lot more.

"Want some chocolate milk with that donut vs how about some wine with the donut". What Alpha do ?

[–]FatherSonRule0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What do you want?

I can relate to this question as the scenario is very familiar but a while ago i realised I was overthinking it. In my situation at least, the 'cuddling' as a post coitus reward is what I want, not her and that is enough (apparently).

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

do alphas cuddle with no sex?

Do what you want. If you get something out of it then do it.

[–]hystericalbonding0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

We only have sex before bed, I'm slowly trying to change this but she's pretty distracted with 2 small kids running around all day.

Create opportunities or wait until the kids are older. It's your call.

She said "It would be nice to just cuddle once in awhile."

That's pretty easy with or without the kids around. Does she tend to cuddle and talk about her feelings, or just lay there enveloped by your warmth and strength to feel comforted and connected? Cuddling can be a source of emotional closeness without turning yourself into an emotional tampon.

maybe a night of massages and cuddling with no sex is ok?

As others have said, cuddle if you like to cuddle. I like to cuddle with my wife, especially if I don't feel like having sex at that moment. Maybe it was deadlift PR day, or maybe I ate too many beans. If cuddling turns to kino and escalates to sex, so be it. But neither cuddling nor sex are rare enough for either of us to feel deprived.

Scheduled cuddling is like scheduled sex. It's okay, but it's better to find ways to work it in and make it look spontaneous.

She's never that affectionate to start with.

This isn't congruent with her request for more cuddling. Maybe she needs you to initiate the affection. She may need more variety in the bedroom - sometimes your quick "primal" session, and sometimes really playing up the emotions, dirty talking, full body contact, and eye contact like in SGM. Endurance is helpful here.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

do alphas cuddle with no sex?

Why wouldn't they? MRP would tell you to do what you want to do. In my personal case, my wife doesn't like to have sex every night. For many years she was afraid and dug in her heels the more I cajoled- until she realized I could do better/younger/tighter than her if I chose to put my mind to it.

Our solution that made her more happy than I can translate for you was to have sex every other day instead of every day. Do we cuddle on those days? Sometimes.

I think the key is are you happy with the amount and quality of the sex. If so then there is no reason to withhold cuddles. If not, then there is no reason to cuddle.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Cuddles ain't free.

stop being a comfort whore,

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I like it, so does she. But, if I get a hard no (with no good reason) I usually cut off the cuddles for that night. Kind of a shot across the bow.

[–]hystericalbonding1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

But, if I get a hard no (with no good reason) I usually cut off the cuddles for that night. Kind of a shot across the bow.

Subtle.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I cut out all contact for the rest of the day. One word responses. Not interested in anything she might have to say. Really, really not interested.

Not very subtle- but she has at least taken to coupling rejection with "I don't want you to get mad but....." At least I have her in a defensive crouch (where the tingles are born).



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