OYS vs doubledown on choreplay

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July 17, 2017

Sometimes doing stuff to Own Your Shit can feel like doubling down on choreplay. How can I tell the difference? Is it just my mindset/attitude toward the task at hand? Like outcome independence and no cover contract or expectation of reward for doing the task.

Post Information
Title OYS vs doubledown on choreplay
Author Sc00byDubious
Upvotes 6
Comments 17
Date 17 July 2017 02:56 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205853
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6nqh0b/oys_vs_doubledown_on_choreplay/
Similar Posts

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

You do shit because you need to, not because woman.

Think about what you need to do to OYS if you were single. Thats what you should be doing.

As a captain, your ship is bigger, but you chose that. So now all that is your responsibility. You can delegate, BTW, but the ultimate responsibilty to ensure things get done is on you.

Strike choreplay from your vocabulary. Never do anything to get sex. Is your wife a whore? How much does she charge?

[–]470_2_700_nm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes owning your own shit as though you were single... this.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Do it because it needs to be done, but the key is maintaining that attitude during and after the task. That's freedom.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

What Type of Dysfunctional Captain of MRP are you?

If you're a Type 1 drunk worthless man-child captain whose wife lost respect for him because he got fat and lazy playing videogames all evening and dumped all responsibility for chores around the house, kids, etc. on his wife ... if you're thinking "I'm doing a lot more now than I used to; don't I deserve some personal recreational time for gaming or watching TV?" ... you very likely need to OYS more and take ownership of more chores.

If, on the other hand, you're a Type 2 captain (like /u/resolutions316) who got here after years of escalating choreplay trying to make your wife happy, you now do the lion's share of the chores as well as bring in most of the income, and your wife still doesn't fuck you, you probably already over-own your wife's shit as well as your own, and you probably need to do less choreplay (at least with respect to the shit the wife should be owning) and focus on developing frame and learning to be more assertive with your wife.

[–]redsprinklersystem0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Excellent distinction.

Also serves as a reminder for me, as a recovering 'Type 1' to nail the basics before worrying too much about the power balance.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is a good breakdown. I think it helps to offer people several categories of beta behavior and not stick to one beta stereotype.

When I arrived here, my life was in shambles not because I was lazy, or over-placating my wife, it's because I had abdicated all responsibilities in the house To my wife. Financial, kids, house. All her. I was in great shape and had friends though. There was zero family leadership from me.

So this last year has been a good exercise in owning my responsibility around the house. Do I sometimes do chores that I wouldn't otherwise do? Yes, all the time. But it's not to get sex, more it's something that's important to my first mate and I want to be a functioning team, rather than everyone out for themself

[–]The_LitzRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

There was a dude in the OYS a few months back that used to leave the vacuum cleaner out after vacuuming so that his wife would see he vacuumed when she got home. Pre-unplugging of course. This is choreplay and a covert contract.

OYS is cleaning the floor because you don't like mud on the floor.

If you are unsure which it is, think what you would do if you were single. Would you clean the fridge then? Clean the grout in the shower?

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

The difference is in your SMV.

Low SMV: Yeah, plow horse, clean that kitchen and mop the floors!

High SMV: He does everything around here and I don't do shit. I don't want him to be upset with me I should help.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If you can't tell the difference between chore play and doing what you want done then you don't understand what chore play is.

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Completely mindset IMO. Are you doing it because you want to or are you doing it because you think she wants you to.

I've been wrestling with this at times too.

I think it goes like this: if you own your shit and she then starts to have the problem with the amount of help you are lending then you fog. Because maybe you are actually missing a valid issue, but hopefully you are likely not and you can authentically fog the conversation.

Authentic fogging, which I think is is a form of demonstrating congruence, is a powerful state to be in. Recently she was telling me all about how I'm not a team player because I failed to get a napkin that she could just have easily gotten, and then started into a "your not doing enough chore play" monologue.

She's right, I'm not doing any choreplay anymore, but I'm looking after the things that need my attention, and living my life for me, which by the way does include choreplay type activities except they are not choreplay because I'm just doing them because they need being completed.

We ended the conversation laughter. It was actually funny that she was charging me with not doing enough, and it was authentic fogging with some laughter (AM?) on my part at the obsurdity of her charging me with "not doing enough around the house". I could not have done that had my efforts and track record been less than optimal.

Authentic fogging. I like it. I need to find more of it.

[–]straius0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Regarding mindset, ask yourself what kind of house you want to live in, make the house that environment through leading by example.

Eventually your wife will start to feel like a slacker and picking up some of those responsibilities or asking to help in some manner. It may take a few months for her to get there and that's why you have to be consistent.

If the division of labor starts to feel disproportionately heavy on your end, start delegating and communicating expectations.

Remember that she's helping you in the house mission, you're not exchanging favors.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Eventually your wife will start to feel like a slacker and picking up some of those responsibilities or asking to help in some manner.

Hopefully, but be careful with making this a covert contract.

[–]straius0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good catch, I should have worded that differently. Or left it out altogether.

The delegation part covers that anyway.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

read OYS and then all the crying sob stories in DB about all the excess chores done to make her more comfortable, while her feet are up eating bon- bons after fucking Chad last night

OYS has nothing to do with chores

I look in the mirror and see my hair is a little long on my chest, perhaps I should groom myself. Today I will buy a clipper and cut it.

My drinking is out of line, I will restrict myself to one and done @ all functions, gathering and gravitate to water or club soda.

If your house is a fucking wreck, it needs to be cleaned up for your standard of living and cleanliness, not for sex

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think the keyn is to WHY you are doing it.

If you are doing things for mommy's validation - that is choreplay.

If you are handling your shit cause it's your home, that's OYS.

What would you be doing if your wife were not around? Live like that. The more you do the less value she brings - and they do start to see that.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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