This is an update to my first post in the subreddit which you can read here. For the most part I have implemented shut the fuck up and that has helped but I did decide to go monk mode as some suggested. I’ll have to say that has been very successful.
Quickly, what has happened since then is for about a week to ten days following my outburst she pouted. I got a lot of “How could you ruin our marriage bringing something up from the past?”, “You lied to me all these years”, etc. I just weathered each emotional outburst with a stare and a nod of the head and “I understand” every once and awhile. I was also friendly and happy during all of this. The ten day pout session guaranteed me a surefire celibacy period. I was worrying about how to implement a monk mode without going into a lot of explanation but by shutting up and being patient it took care of itself. As she wound down the end of the pouting, it happened to end just as I had a three day work related seminar out of town. She was scheduled to go but she had worked up a head of steam and in a fit cancelled her flight to join me on the second day. We were scheduled to stay an additional two nights. She did not like it but I would not book her another flight (bitch move or lesson on making decisions while angry?). She could have bought her a new ticket but she would have had to pay for it out of her discretionary money...she did not have enough. I went without her and stayed the additional two nights. Spent a lot of time reading and walking and thinking. It really helped me to re-evaluate things. When I came back she was appalled that I was willing to go without her so cue another pout session. So that has carried me through to this past weekend. This past weekend she began to worry why I had not initiated. I guess the monk mode turned into low level dread. Who knows. I have determined that she is completely off her rocker. Three days now she has initiated and the first two times I responded and basically fucked like we were teenagers. The third time she offered we got into it and the starfish made a return and I immediately stopped. Kissed her goodnight and grabbed a book and read. All of you are very familiar with the reaction that followed I am sure. The next morning she apologized and I hugged her. Never said a word. The last two days she’s been playful and texting little messages to me. So there is where I am.
ME: I have determined the comment about her affair was a huge covert contract. That in my head I was trying to prove myself better than him. Fuck it. He only got what she gave him. I think I wanted to believe he had some special power over her but in reality she’s responsible for the decision to cheat not him. Regardless, of any issues between us. I think that was my “come to Jesus” moment. I can get up and walk out the door and never look back. Maybe she senses that now I don’t know. I truly do not care. I am losing the weight and replacing fat with muscle everyday. I am becoming a better man inside and out every day.
I continue to read. I continue to lift. I continue to own my shit. I continue to lead. But more importantly, I review my day with a very honest and critical eye and pinpoint where I need to get better at all of these things. I prefer to spend my remaining days on this earth with my wife. I have no idea if it will be that way.
Aside: I appreciate the advice from you guys. Especially, the private messages. Even the ones from the little fat lesbian troll. Those helped me hone my internet “cred”. I was really surprised at how good I got at trading insults with it. Very creative stuff if I say so myself. And I started on the Gotu Kola. Too early to see results but I’ll keep you updated.