I could easily bore you and write a very long post. But I’m going to keep this as concise as possible. I’m happy to fill in blanks if needed.
Me Been lurking here for about 6 months. Completed sidebar includes: Rational Male, WISNIFG, NMMNG, MMSLP. Had a recent lull in reading and need to step it up again with sidebar. Lifting 3 days/wk pretty consistently for 9 months. Good gains in muscle mass and lift numbers. Really dialed in my diet over the past month. Feeling and looking the best I have in a while.
Background 39 y/o married to 39 y/o wife for 9 years. 3 small kids, including one infant. She is a HB 8.5. I’m around a 7. Wife “checked out” almost 2 years ago. It was my wake up call to change my shitty ways. Had a slow start, but over the past 12 months, relationship has really improved. Affection from wife towards me has returned to almost pre-dead bedroom level. Sex is still kinda Starfish and infrequent. 2x/month over the past few months. Our infant doesn’t sleep for shit. My wife is literally up 5-6 times per night with infant. She’s exhausted and it shows. I’d like to think frequency and quality would be better if she got some decent sleep, but I don’t think it would be where I want it to be.
When wife “checked out” almost 2 years ago, it was at the same time as a big move to a new home. It was also around this time I discovered some private FB messages between her and a male she saw and interacted with fairly regularly. I knew they were friends which didn’t bother me. But I had some suspicions and checked her phone. There was never anything sexual mentioned. I could just tell by my wife’s flirty tone in the messages that there was an emotional affair going on. I still don’t rule out the possibility that something physical happened, but the reality is that it’s highly unlikely due to being a SAHM with special needs children. I’m pretty sure that if it became physical, there would have been more evidence of that in the FB messages. The messages were pretty much friendly banter with a flirty tone. A lot of talk about things that were stressing her out with kids, general banter. Then this guy gave the “I love you” and my wife returned with an “I love you too”, which I know my wife would just say is a “friendly” thing, as she does say “love you” to lots of different friends and family members, but this did not sit well with me.
We ended up moving about 3 hours away. I continued to monitor messages. Initially, some of the flirty tone was still there. After a few months, the frequency of messages fizzled out to about once every 2-3 months. My wife’s tone also changed in the messages to being just more normal friend stuff, instead of the flirty tone she once had. It seemed like he would want to initiate the flirty tone and my wife would try to politely blow it off. Basically, I think what was once an emotional affair has fizzled into just a normal friendship from my wife’s perspective. This is likely due to living 3 hours away and not interacting with him on a regular basis, combined with me making improvements in myself and becoming more attractive, mentally and physically.
I was initially paranoid and monitoring every week. Now, I monitor about once per month. Over the past 9 months or so, he would initiate a FB message about once every 1-2 months. Usually, after she posts a picture where she’s looking good. He will say things like “You look so pretty in that pic”. Most recently, I discovered an exchange that took place on Father’s Day a few weeks ago. He initiated with a “You look so pretty”. They talked about some recent medical issues my son was having. He asked if she was doing ok, staying strong, yada yada…He seems to hide behind of cloak of talking about “God” and religion to come off as being righteous somehow. This most recent exchange ended with him saying “Love you”. My wife replied with “Thanks, Love you too”. He wrote back with a “Love you more!” and my wife replied with a “Lol” and that was the end of the conversation.
My Approach with all This Throughout all of this, my wife does not know that I know about this. She has no clue that I’ve read her FB messages with this guy. I received some advice from some wise men in another forum about 1.5 years ago telling me that I was not mentally ready and that I should not confront. Instead, I should work on improving myself. I believe this was the right advice for that time. Since then, our relationship and family life have really improved. She’s more affectionate with me. Makes comments about my body and physical improvements I’ve made.
However, this fucker continues to be a thorn in my side. I believe that the flirty emotions my wife had for him are gone, and it is just a friendship to her. But I do feel like I need to keep up with the situation and “trust and verify”, more than I would like to. I’d rather not have to worry about the verify part. It’s become clear to me that this dude is not gonna stop. He’s married with his own family. I’ve got a feeling my wife is not the only one he pulls this shit with.
So, I’m here to reach out to get an updated opinion on my next step. The way I see it, I have 4 options:
Option 1 Continue with sidebar and lift. Focus on me and improving. Do not “mate guard”. After all, my wife is hot and I should expect other men to hit on her.
Option2 Confront my wife on this. Ask her if it would be appropriate for me to tell another married woman that they are pretty, and that I love them through FB private messages. This comes with the price of having to tell my wife I’ve been monitoring messages for almost 2 years, which will destroy trust in me which she has recently regained.
Option 3 Confront him via FB (or drive 3 hours and do it in person), tell him to cut the shit or else. This would also have to come with me confronting my wife, as confronting him alone may not be effective and I would have to trust him to actually knock it off. Not likely
Option 4 Send his wife a FB message with screenshots of the most recent conversation I have. Ask her if she is cool with her husband saying those things to other women? Maybe she is cool with it, who the fuck knows?
The biggest thing holding me back at this point is the fact that I would have to tell my wife I’ve been monitoring her messages. Even though I feel my reasoning is justified, I think this may cause her to really feel violated and lose trust in me.
Throughout this process of self improvement, I’ve become more confident in my ability to move on if needed. I want to be married to her, but my eyes were opened up to the “oneitis” I once had and I’m confident I could happily move on if needed. 2 years ago, this was not the case.
I’d love to get the opinions of the wiser men here. Thanks.