Wife blew up at our daughter, how'd I handle it?

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June 29, 2017

Three kids, our daughter is in a math class in a tutoring center because she was falling behind in math. Pre-Rp I stayed out of the homework help most of the time and let my wife handle it. Our daughter is 11.

So basically my wife is stubborn/short temper just like all the women in her family. Especially when it comes to school. We have been working on it little by little everyday and she has improved tremendously judging by the sample tests quizzes.

I missed the bulk of the fight, but apparently daughter wants out of the class, which lasts another few weeks. With the reasoning of not having enough free time and that she's better now. Walked right into my wife yelling at her at the kitchen table.

When I asked what was going on, my daughter was crying at the kitchen table saying her mom called her stupid. Got the full story told her to downstairs and I talked to the wife. Apparently she did call her stupid, this particular kid of mine is sensitive to any words insulting intelligence.

Didn't raise my voice, but told her I don't ever want to hear that she called one of our children by anything but their names, just like they will do the same. Told her it's not my problem that her father left their mother call them every name under the sun, but I won't tolerate that shit in my house.

Had a talk with daughter alone, told her she will be staying in the class because she's doing so well. Took the kids out for ice cream and daughters mood completely changed.

Wife was being stubborn and said she was sleeping on the couch. Middle of the night I use the bathroom downstairs and give her a smirk. Five minutes later she's in our room all over me.

Pre-Rp me would have probably called her a bitch in front of the kids and got into an argument of my own. I feel like I could of done/said more for whatever reason. Words can really fuck a kid up no matter where they come from.

Post Information
Title Wife blew up at our daughter, how'd I handle it?
Author hellome99
Upvotes 13
Comments 10
Date 29 June 2017 06:41 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205931
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6k6mju/wife_blew_up_at_our_daughter_howd_i_handle_it/
Similar Posts

[–]freshona5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

All good. Enjoy your cookie.

[–]Aaren_Augustine2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ah, the "I get what I want by being negative" strategy.

Is that how her mom got her kids to do what she wanted? Call them names so the kids would try harder to smooth things over with mommy?

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Well played Sir.

Sounds like your wife's mother could be on the narcissist spectrum. There is a book "will i ever be good enough" about doughters of narcissistic mothers. It might give YOU some insight on your wife's behavior. I would not share it with her unless she communicates the desire to change and even then tread carefully.

And... remember to praise the effort not the outcome with those kiddos, good luck.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

praise the effort not the outcome

Dunno about this... I'm having problems with my oldest (who's about to leave for college). For the life of me, I can't get him to take responsibility for things. When I assign him a chore, it's done fast, half-assed, and many times ends up damaging things in the process (paint spilled, broken hinges, etc.).

My wife's approach (and mine mostly) to the kids has been to heap praise for effort, but how does sparing feelings help if shit doesn't get done right? I mean, I get it, don't beat someone who's down, or belabor honest mistakes, but at some point you have to set a line for expectations. Eventually, personal responsibility needs to trump outside validation. But like a puppy who soils the floor, the answer isn't to rub his nose in it, but to train him to do better. I guess I'm still working on this.

(Note this is different for young children, who really do need encouragement to try and fail at new things, and those who are actually working to improve themselves.)

[–]straius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Is your son really displaying effort though? If it's fast and sloppy doesn't sound like it. Am I misunderstanding?

[–]red_blue_and_hot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's done fast, half-assed, with things broken. Sounds like he doesn't put forth the effort to do it correctly.

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Im not saying you praise a half assed attempt. Thats the everyone gets a trophy for showing up bullshit.

You praise real effort, an honest attempt.

The whole point is to place the focus on doing the hard work even if it doesn't always result in top rewards.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

And... remember to praise the effort not the outcome with those kiddos

Simply echoing this gem.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Good work. Not sure what tutoring your doing but our kids have been in Kumon for the past year. Best money spent ever.

[–]Bedtimeshine0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dude I don't know I would have handle it way wrong. If I walked up and saw my spouse screaming at my little girl and making her cry and calling her stupid... I would wish that I was gay and it was my husband doing that so I could beat him to the fucking ground. This is some flip tables over and tell her to get the fuck out type of shit. I hope you tell her that if she ever comes close to doing anything close to this again it will be the last day your marriage.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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