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Cross-Post from AskTRP: LTR gives lots of attention/lightly flirts with one of my friends

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June 28, 2017
10 upvotes

Only been dating for 6 months, but I figured I'd get this subs perspective on it.

I'll try and keep this brief, but still give enough details. Everyone is 24-26.

While my friend group was out last weekend, I began to notice that my one friend (Let's call him J), and my GF seem to give each other a lot of attention when we are all out.

I've noticed this before, but I figured it was because they both have bubbly extroverted friendly personalities, which they do, but now it's starting to get on my nerves. It's never of a sexual nature, but I just don't like that she seems to give him so much attention, and he does the same. It's almost like J ignores me and just wants to talk to my GF. He is very funny and charming, but also short. I am a more introverted person, but I have a high status, and I am tall/good looking.

I've know J for over a decade, and even though we have a long history, he doesn't really have any morals. My GF is hot and I know J wishes he could fuck her, and would in a heartbeat, but J is definitely playing the innocent card and not doing anything too forward. I've heard J drunkenly say he wants to fuck our other friend's GF, and even said he wants to fuck his ex gf's sister.

My GF is very loyal and I'm not worried about her cheating, but I don't like that she gives him this attention. Especially because J only gives her this attention since J obviously wants to fuck her and is trying to be all smooth. It's like she is encouraging this behavior. Like she likes the attention. I think that's what bothers me the most. Am I a jealous asshole?

It's just little things while we are out. Like J encourages her to drink more and she is receptive, or they get joking competitive with each other.

Since this weekend, I haven't initiated any texts with my GF, and have been responding somewhat cold. I think she senses I'm upset about something.

I am seeing her tonight or tomorrow, and I really want to bring it up. I want to tell her I find it disrespectful. I want it to stop, but I don't want to seem like a bitch. I've been "alpha" this whole relationship, and she's been great, it's like the only time I'm bothered is when he enters the picture. 99% of the time things are great. Any tips on how to bring it up?

I'm even considering preemptively breaking up with her, even though I love her, a lot (oneitis, I know). Shes about as unicorn as it gets, and is a solid 8. Still, I would nuke the relationship just so the power will be in my hands and she'll cut this shit out, or at least I'll be done with this bullshit and be single again. I don't want to, but if I bring it up and say I'm breaking up with her, I'm hoping she'll cry and apologize and promise to stop.

I've also been considering snooping through her phone, just to see if they text at all, which would make me more concerned. J lives a few hours away, so I'm not really worried, just the trust, but verify rule. I don't know her password, but I could probably watch her do it easily. When we were out once they traded snapchat names. I've been with her and she'll get a stupid general snap from J, but he won't send it to me, which just further makes me think J trying to fuck her. It's kind of a shame because we've been friends so long, and I definitely will be keeping him at arms length now. It wasn't like this when we were kids.

I'm just confused on the situation and what to do. Any guidance would be appreciated.


Update: Hey. So going against a lot of people's advice in these threads, I talked to my GF about it yesterday.

After reading through lots of comments, I realized I couldn't hold how I felt inside anymore, so I texted my girl 'we need to talk". This definitely freaked her out and she called me immediately. I was at work so I couldn't answer. She started texted me if everything was alright, if she did anything. I was very quick with my answers and she said she is freaking out (panic attack) and wants to know if I want to break up, based on my ominous answers. I said we need to talk and left it at that. Not sure if this was a good move or not.

She comes over and we go in my room and start talking. I actually found it very hard to start this conversation even though I practiced in my head many times. I began by saying how I felt, and how I found it disrespectful. I stayed strong and continued talking calmly. As I began talking, her jaw was wide open, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. I told her how my ideal girl wouldn't flirt with guys and that's what I compare her to.

She wanted to talk, but kept letting me finish. Once I said my piece she started talking, saying how she didn't know I feel that way, and that she perceived it very differently. She felt that J was one of my best friends (given that we've been friends for so long). She said she wants to be friends with my friends and has a fear that my friends won't like her (she does have anxiety, like every other girl I've come to find). Since he was my "best" friend, and there was an extended time where it was just the 3 of us, she wanted to make sure my friends like her.

Hearing her say that actually made me feel relieved. Even though J obviously wants the punanny, it never was bad flirting, just being friendly, especially on my girls side. If we were at a show, J would try and dance close to my girl, but she'd never reciprocate, and all the "flirting" was just friendly banter. I mentioned briefly about how J can be a piece of shit, and she was surprised to hear that and didn't realize we had that dynamic, and simply thought we were best friends.

We then began to talk about our past. She said she was "dropped" twice before, pretty much out of the blue. Both times she found out was because she became to "clingy", so she tried to hold back her "clingy-ness" when we are in public. This actually makes sense because we once talked about pda and I said I don't like too much, especially kissing in front of friends. Idk why I said this at the time, because I honestly like the pda and clingy-ness. I like her publicly showing the world that I'm her man.

I then began to talk about my first relationship. It was with this borderline girl who gaslighted the fuck out of me, and honestly made me go crazy dating her. It was a web of lies and by spending so much time with her, I didn't know what real was anymore (for real, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM BODERLINE GIRLS). I honestly still have a lot of memories blocked out from this relationship, but it has fucked with my head, even though it was years ago. I then said I have trust issues, and it's going to take time for me to work on them. She said that's ok and wants to help me work through them.

We talked for 2 or 3 hours, it was a long time. She got teary eyed at times and was super apologetic, saying she didn't realize that's how I perceived things, and would make sure it doesn't happen again. I think this talk actually helped a lot. We learned a lot more about each other and each other's past. We also both realized how we want to behave when we are out, and how she doesn't have to hold back with me.

Some of you may say I'm an idiot, or a pussy, or I made the wrong decision bringing it up, but I'm glad I did it. I'm hoping I didn't look too beta, even though I'm sure I did a bit given the circumstances, but I framed it the best I could and stayed strong. I mentioned how I thought of ending it, as I see it's a relationship ending thing, but after talking, we both feel better about things, and I feel she won't do it again. And if she does, then it's a hard next, so where's the harm?

The conversation had a gloomy sad feel to it. We had great sex, but then things kinda felt gloomy again. She told me to not be sad, and I didn't want to be, but I was just sad that we finally had our first "fight" or "conflict". It's been smooth sailing up until then. I told her it would take some time for things to go back to normal. She said she understands. We went and grabbed food and that definitely helped. We slowly started joking around more, and she asked to spend the night (she only does on weekends because she wakes up early). I said sure, and we ended up having good sex again. The gloomy-ness finally went away and it feels pretty much back to normal.

She asked to hangout tonight, and I said yes, but only late, since I have a project for my hobby I'm working on due next weekend. So we are set to hangout tonight.

I'll update in a few months, but things feel good now. Only time will tell. I'll keep bettering myself meanwhile. Keep up with my hobby, keep looking for a better job, keep lifting. Thanks for all the comments. Even if I didn't reply, I read it, and saw where you were coming from. Been doing this all on my phone, so I didn't take the time to reply to all, especially the bullshit overly macho stuff. Regardless, thanks for the help internet.


Post Information
Title Cross-Post from AskTRP: LTR gives lots of attention/lightly flirts with one of my friends
Author Omegaalphabobbarker
Upvotes 10
Comments 36
Date 28 June 2017 03:58 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205934
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6k1hdv/crosspost_from_asktrp_ltr_gives_lots_of/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
alphabetacheatinglong term relationshipunicornliftclosehard nextinggaslighting
Comments

[–]ArchwingerRed Beret32 points33 points  (3 children) | Copy

My GF is very loyal and I'm not worried about her cheating,

Even if your girlfriend doesn't fuck your friend, she clearly is an attention whore who enjoys it when other guys make a bid for her. "Worried" is a strong word. You should be very aware of the possibility that she'll cheat. She really isn't LTR material.

I don't like that she gives him this attention. Especially because J only gives her this attention since J obviously wants to fuck her

Which she knows.

It's like she is encouraging this behavior. Like she likes the attention.

It's not "like" that. It is that.

I think that's what bothers me the most. Am I a jealous asshole?

No, you're just a butt-hurt loser who's trying to make a girlfriend out of a flirty attention-whore.

I am seeing her tonight or tomorrow, and I really want to bring it up. I want to tell her I find it disrespectful.

Don't. That's stupid.

I want it to stop, but I don't want to seem like a bitch.

Then definitely don't.

I've been "alpha" this whole relationship,

Nope.

and she's been great

Nope.

Any tips on how to bring it up?

Don't.

I'm even considering preemptively breaking up with her, even though I love her, a lot (oneitis, I know). Shes about as unicorn as it gets, and is a solid 8.

You're killing me, man.

I don't want to, but if I bring it up and say I'm breaking up with her, I'm hoping she'll cry and apologize and promise to stop.

God, you are such a fucking woman.

I've also been considering snooping through her phone, just to see if they text at all ... When we were out once they traded snapchat names

Okay. I'm done.

Here's the thing. You can lay awake in bed all night biting your nails and wetting your pants over the possibility that you're dating a cheater, or you can get some sleep and hit the gym in the morning, go out and meet other women, fuck your cheating girlfriend for fun, and plate or dump her as soon as something better comes along.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

My only problem is that I have no gold to give.

[–]mrpCamper4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Archwinger nailed it!

[–]minoc_uo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for that. That put me in a better mood.

[–]johnadamsghost16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your friend is a fuckface. So is your girlfriend. You know this. Quit being a pussy and giving so many fucks. Start lifting, and go make better friends

[–]Mildly_Sociopathic2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

My GF is very loyal

Ok

Shes about as unicorn as it gets

Uh huh

LTR gives lots of attention/lightly flirts with one of my friends

"but shes the one guise i promise"

You're an idiot. Quit being so fucking stupid.

It's kind of a shame because we've been friends so long

He's not your friend, you twat. As soon as he started hitting on her he lost that right. Why the fuck has it taken you so long to even consider nexting him?

Establish boundaries and then actually fucking enforce them. Get her to cut the shit and when he does it, her to shut him down. Mate guarding wont help. She already has a backup plan, you should too. He knows that you won't do shit so he continues doing what he does. You act like a bitch and they treat you like a bitch.

don't want to seem like a bitch

Then don't do it from a position of weakness. Don't ask, don't say that it's bad or you don't like it. Tell her what you won't tolerate and what'll happen in that outcome.

In other words, say that when other men flirt with your girlfriend she'll shut them down, at the same time implying that whether or not that girlfriend is your current LTR or the next is entirely up to her behaviour.

Afterwards, ghost her for a few days or a week and then dial up the dread. Don't invite her out and cut J out your life.

Alternatively, hard next. She's prepping for a branchswing.

And read the fucking sidebar.

[–]Bulk_king114 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

If she's showing interest in his friend is it even worth it to establish a boundary with it? Hasn't he already lost?

He can't MAKE her unattracted to his friend and if she's doing this in front of him imagine what she's doing when he's not there.

OP ShEs not a unicorn. You just have oneitis. Don't put up with this shit

[–]Omegaalphabobbarker[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

So hard next? Nuke and hope she responds well?

[–]Bulk_king112 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you hard nuke her she's NOT going to respond well.

I'd just tell her you wanted to take Time to get your Shit together. You don't want to be in a relationship right now. And then do just that. I'd be civil about it but I wouldn't respond much after that. And I'd deleted. Block. Etc off all social media.

And then use this time to really get your shit together. Read everything over at TRP. And even head over to r/MRP and read their shit. So when you get in a relationship you know what you're doing.

Guys get into relationships then scramble to figure out what their doing wrong everyday. It's better to be prepared

[–]beta_no_mo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're trying to use a hard next but with soft next results. That's not how it works.

A soft next is for addressing poor behavior.

A hard next is for ending all contact completely and moving on.

NEITHER of those involve "hoping she responds well". In both scenarios, outcome independence is firmly in place.

[–]Omegaalphabobbarker[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

How would you recommend establishing boundaries? Like what should I say?

[–]Mildly_Sociopathic1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

don't want to seem like a bitch

Then don't do it from a position of weakness. Don't ask, don't say that it's bad or you don't like it. Tell her what you won't tolerate and what'll happen in that outcome.

In other words, say that "when other men flirt with [my] girlfriend, she'll shut them down" at the same time implying that whether or not that girlfriend is your current LTR or the next is entirely up to her behaviour.

Then leave. Do not argue, do not explain, do not budge even a little. Ghost her for a few days or a week and then dial up the dread. She's not stupid, she knows full well what she's been doing and what you meant. What she does next depends on where you lie on her list of priorities.

It establishes boundaries and your expectations of her, and sets a punishment for not adhering to it.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

Hahahahahah. Paging Dr. u/Scurvemuch:

You're being told that game and height are somehow related. According to him, short people have no chance around this mighty Alphalfa.

How does this make you feel?

[–]Omegaalphabobbarker[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

She's taller then him. That's all I was referencing. Girls are weird like that sometimes. Disregard the comment then.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

why are you bothered that this dude is flirting with your rented pussy?

its like you care that another man likes the look of the ford mustang you are renting.

Dude... whats wrong with you?

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

For a minute I thought I was "J" in his story. Same first initial, short, no morals, long-term friends with hot gfs... it all adds up.

Except I don't have pussies for friends.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

how many of your friends girls tried to fuck you?

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Every single one

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

you might want to rethink your friends being pussies?

[–]alphabeta49Red Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

The truth is I've been improving over the last 3 years, and they've slowly been rotting. Love em, and tried to talk to them about these principles. No, I'm a try-hard rogue for wanting to make my wife chase me. Their loss, and they wonder what's gone wrong.

You made me think though... The number and intensity of IOIs a wife/gf will give me is directly proportionate to the softness their man has acquired.

[–]yes_we_can_t1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

If your woman is attractive, she'll always attract orbiters and suitors. Don't be phased by it. In fact, I encourage it. If you're like most of us, you might have been that dude yourself.

Once, a friend of mine were texting my girl about how he wanted to take her walking naked on the beach while I was eating in a restaurant with him! She showed me later and I laughed and joked daring her to take him up on it. I'm still friends with him, IDGAF, he has no chance anyway and I enjoy his company. It only makes me look good.

Another of my really good friends texted a plate I was in bed with, and she was saying something about how she didn't want to come between us. I said there was nothing she could do to come between us, if she wants to, just go to him. She didn't.

Now for the parts where I am in disagreement of accepted wisdom here.

Field tested continuously: I read her messages, but not in secret. I ask her to give me her phone, and read and talk about them and her photos, with her head resting on my chest/shoulder in bed. I let her read my messages and look through my photos too, where I have a few tasteful photos of exes too. However, she's doing that while I'm on my laptop or something, I don't care about discussing that with her.

Not field tested: If I knew she was actually developing feelings for anyone, I'd make it clear that I expect her to either cut him out of her life completely, or she'd be out of my life. Obviously this means the relationship is probably over, but people do get crushes sometimes.

What makes this different from typical mate guarding is that I don't do it from a position of insecurity, but from a position of abundance and outcome independence.

[–]Omegaalphabobbarker[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for your insight

[–]BirdManBrrrr1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't like that she gives him this attention. Especially because J only gives her this attention since J obviously wants to fuck her and is trying to be all smooth.

J has more game than you and is more interesting than you. Your gf's reaction is proof positive you're not attractive in comparison.

but I have a high status, and I am tall/good looking.

O RLY? Clearly not high status enough if your friend can game your girl so easily right in front of your face.

Since this weekend, I haven't initiated any texts with my GF, and have been responding somewhat cold.

Classic butthurt. This is good, you fit in with the rest of us noobs here.

My advice: Lift and read the sidebar, learn from the successes and failures and work to become actual high value.

[–]DeplorableRay1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not sure who's frame you are in, but (spoiler alert) it's not yours.

[–]thewholefnshow5471 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe try:

Next time J and you girlfriend are flirting say:

"Yo! J, make sure you wear a condom when you hit that, I had better not catch that nastiness you got growing on your dick!"

Calling your girl a whore, your friend an asshole and implying he has a dirty dick. All in the space of one sentence.

[–]Fecklessnz1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You and all your red-piller buddies here are going way too extreme. The best thing to do is to communicate with your partner. Let her know how you're feeling and that you have some jealous thoughts/tendances. Talk it out instead of trying to hurt her by pretend breaking up, that's pretty childish, abusive, and what the world calls 'beta' behaviour.

If you love her, this should be easy to do, regardless of all this...redpilling programming y'all so fond about. She sounds worth it. She sounds like a lovely person. Don't fuck it up by listening to these assholes, OP. They're bitter.

I hope you're able to see reason and approach this perceived problem in an adult manner. Good luck.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I was in a relationship like this once. There wasnt any one friend in particular that she did this with, but it was a common theme when we were out with friends: her giving more attention to other dudes than she was to me.

I was butthurt as fuck about it, confronted her about it, she denied she was doing anything wrong, just having fun, etc. I took her word for it, but deep down I knew she was more attracted to them. Did she ever cheat? No. But it was a pretty strong sign that she was "just not that into me." I ended up backing out of the relationship, but it took me way too long and I wish I had done it sooner.

Same deal here. But I wouldn't necessarily break up with her yet...

Whether she's doing it simply bc she likes the attention or actually wants to branch swing doesn't really matter - the fact that she's making you feel this way at all when you're supposed to be out enjoying each other's company is not a good sign.

If I were you I would not do a single thing, but ignore it as much as possible, and be fully aware of what could be happening...focus on improving your OI and DGAF attitude and I guarantee she'll be coming to you asking why you're not paying much attention to her vs the other way around.

That of course assumes you actually are higher value than your friend J.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Careful you don't trip on that ego, you know with you being higher status and all

[–]Daniel_Bryan_Fan0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So she's using dread on you?

[–]blarggggggggggg0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I wouldn't show any concern because there is nothing to be concerned about. If she fucks him, you can just dump her and find someone younger and hotter.

You CAN do this, RIGHT?



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