Only been dating for 6 months, but I figured I'd get this subs perspective on it.
I'll try and keep this brief, but still give enough details. Everyone is 24-26.
While my friend group was out last weekend, I began to notice that my one friend (Let's call him J), and my GF seem to give each other a lot of attention when we are all out.
I've noticed this before, but I figured it was because they both have bubbly extroverted friendly personalities, which they do, but now it's starting to get on my nerves. It's never of a sexual nature, but I just don't like that she seems to give him so much attention, and he does the same. It's almost like J ignores me and just wants to talk to my GF. He is very funny and charming, but also short. I am a more introverted person, but I have a high status, and I am tall/good looking.
I've know J for over a decade, and even though we have a long history, he doesn't really have any morals. My GF is hot and I know J wishes he could fuck her, and would in a heartbeat, but J is definitely playing the innocent card and not doing anything too forward. I've heard J drunkenly say he wants to fuck our other friend's GF, and even said he wants to fuck his ex gf's sister.
My GF is very loyal and I'm not worried about her cheating, but I don't like that she gives him this attention. Especially because J only gives her this attention since J obviously wants to fuck her and is trying to be all smooth. It's like she is encouraging this behavior. Like she likes the attention. I think that's what bothers me the most. Am I a jealous asshole?
It's just little things while we are out. Like J encourages her to drink more and she is receptive, or they get joking competitive with each other.
Since this weekend, I haven't initiated any texts with my GF, and have been responding somewhat cold. I think she senses I'm upset about something.
I am seeing her tonight or tomorrow, and I really want to bring it up. I want to tell her I find it disrespectful. I want it to stop, but I don't want to seem like a bitch. I've been "alpha" this whole relationship, and she's been great, it's like the only time I'm bothered is when he enters the picture. 99% of the time things are great. Any tips on how to bring it up?
I'm even considering preemptively breaking up with her, even though I love her, a lot (oneitis, I know). Shes about as unicorn as it gets, and is a solid 8. Still, I would nuke the relationship just so the power will be in my hands and she'll cut this shit out, or at least I'll be done with this bullshit and be single again. I don't want to, but if I bring it up and say I'm breaking up with her, I'm hoping she'll cry and apologize and promise to stop.
I've also been considering snooping through her phone, just to see if they text at all, which would make me more concerned. J lives a few hours away, so I'm not really worried, just the trust, but verify rule. I don't know her password, but I could probably watch her do it easily. When we were out once they traded snapchat names. I've been with her and she'll get a stupid general snap from J, but he won't send it to me, which just further makes me think J trying to fuck her. It's kind of a shame because we've been friends so long, and I definitely will be keeping him at arms length now. It wasn't like this when we were kids.
I'm just confused on the situation and what to do. Any guidance would be appreciated.
Update: Hey. So going against a lot of people's advice in these threads, I talked to my GF about it yesterday.
After reading through lots of comments, I realized I couldn't hold how I felt inside anymore, so I texted my girl 'we need to talk". This definitely freaked her out and she called me immediately. I was at work so I couldn't answer. She started texted me if everything was alright, if she did anything. I was very quick with my answers and she said she is freaking out (panic attack) and wants to know if I want to break up, based on my ominous answers. I said we need to talk and left it at that. Not sure if this was a good move or not.
She comes over and we go in my room and start talking. I actually found it very hard to start this conversation even though I practiced in my head many times. I began by saying how I felt, and how I found it disrespectful. I stayed strong and continued talking calmly. As I began talking, her jaw was wide open, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. I told her how my ideal girl wouldn't flirt with guys and that's what I compare her to.
She wanted to talk, but kept letting me finish. Once I said my piece she started talking, saying how she didn't know I feel that way, and that she perceived it very differently. She felt that J was one of my best friends (given that we've been friends for so long). She said she wants to be friends with my friends and has a fear that my friends won't like her (she does have anxiety, like every other girl I've come to find). Since he was my "best" friend, and there was an extended time where it was just the 3 of us, she wanted to make sure my friends like her.
Hearing her say that actually made me feel relieved. Even though J obviously wants the punanny, it never was bad flirting, just being friendly, especially on my girls side. If we were at a show, J would try and dance close to my girl, but she'd never reciprocate, and all the "flirting" was just friendly banter. I mentioned briefly about how J can be a piece of shit, and she was surprised to hear that and didn't realize we had that dynamic, and simply thought we were best friends.
We then began to talk about our past. She said she was "dropped" twice before, pretty much out of the blue. Both times she found out was because she became to "clingy", so she tried to hold back her "clingy-ness" when we are in public. This actually makes sense because we once talked about pda and I said I don't like too much, especially kissing in front of friends. Idk why I said this at the time, because I honestly like the pda and clingy-ness. I like her publicly showing the world that I'm her man.
I then began to talk about my first relationship. It was with this borderline girl who gaslighted the fuck out of me, and honestly made me go crazy dating her. It was a web of lies and by spending so much time with her, I didn't know what real was anymore (for real, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM BODERLINE GIRLS). I honestly still have a lot of memories blocked out from this relationship, but it has fucked with my head, even though it was years ago. I then said I have trust issues, and it's going to take time for me to work on them. She said that's ok and wants to help me work through them.
We talked for 2 or 3 hours, it was a long time. She got teary eyed at times and was super apologetic, saying she didn't realize that's how I perceived things, and would make sure it doesn't happen again. I think this talk actually helped a lot. We learned a lot more about each other and each other's past. We also both realized how we want to behave when we are out, and how she doesn't have to hold back with me.
Some of you may say I'm an idiot, or a pussy, or I made the wrong decision bringing it up, but I'm glad I did it. I'm hoping I didn't look too beta, even though I'm sure I did a bit given the circumstances, but I framed it the best I could and stayed strong. I mentioned how I thought of ending it, as I see it's a relationship ending thing, but after talking, we both feel better about things, and I feel she won't do it again. And if she does, then it's a hard next, so where's the harm?
The conversation had a gloomy sad feel to it. We had great sex, but then things kinda felt gloomy again. She told me to not be sad, and I didn't want to be, but I was just sad that we finally had our first "fight" or "conflict". It's been smooth sailing up until then. I told her it would take some time for things to go back to normal. She said she understands. We went and grabbed food and that definitely helped. We slowly started joking around more, and she asked to spend the night (she only does on weekends because she wakes up early). I said sure, and we ended up having good sex again. The gloomy-ness finally went away and it feels pretty much back to normal.
She asked to hangout tonight, and I said yes, but only late, since I have a project for my hobby I'm working on due next weekend. So we are set to hangout tonight.
I'll update in a few months, but things feel good now. Only time will tell. I'll keep bettering myself meanwhile. Keep up with my hobby, keep looking for a better job, keep lifting. Thanks for all the comments. Even if I didn't reply, I read it, and saw where you were coming from. Been doing this all on my phone, so I didn't take the time to reply to all, especially the bullshit overly macho stuff. Regardless, thanks for the help internet.