Wife threatened to take the kids from me over a non issue. Need advice

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June 25, 2017

Lurker on my throwaway. Married. Kids. Wife eats up trp and validates that trp is the kind of man she respects. Pretty good relationship so far.

Couple of nights ago. Little one is sleep training. She's cleaning the kitchen. I've got the baby monitor and am in the kitchen. Little one lets out a noise. Wife says... He's about to cry, go check on him! I tell her I'm looking at it (she's not) and he's ok and just getting settled. She disagrees, escalates, gets louder, repeats herself... Gets hostile. I hold frame, get a little louder but never yell or lose composure, but tell her she's wrong, he's ok.

She then barks back that if I ever talk to her like that again she's taking the kids and leaving. I just look at her dead in the eye, laugh and tell her that that would never happen legally.

I left, walked the dogs. Came back and just said "I'm going to say this only once, don't ever threaten to take my kids away again, or you will regret it." she tried to spin it as my fault saying to not talk to her like that... I shut her down and said that we were only talking about her threat right now and nothing else.

Last few days I've been distant. She asks if I'm still mad (I explained later that the argument was her fault for escalating her tone and that it was unacceptable)... I tell her yes. Today she tries to initiate flirting and I put up with it for a minute and walk away.

Obviously I'm still pissed bc she's using the kids as a pawn over something little. If I acknowledge this, she now knows that it's my weak spot. She has one up on me whenever she needs it. I can suck it up and act like I'm OK, but I'm still pissed and will be for a while. If I didn't have kids I'd next her over something like this. She's a smart girl, successful in her career, as am I, but I lose respect when she acts like that. I could semi understand if I beat her or something, but I'm an amazing husband, even better father, and I wasn't even in the wrong here.

Post Information
Title Wife threatened to take the kids from me over a non issue. Need advice
Author Throwthrowthrowtrp
Upvotes 9
Comments 17
Date 25 June 2017 12:21 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205949
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6jbhmn/wife_threatened_to_take_the_kids_from_me_over_a/
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[–]BobbyPeru15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

Today she tries to initiate flirting and I put up with it for a minute and walk away.

Passive aggressive chick move. You're butt hurt because you're still living in her frame. It's been a couple days. You set the boundary, so let it go and enforce a consequence if she crosses it. Don't make it so complicated.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

If I acknowledge this, she now knows that it's my weak spot.

She already knows. Start acting like it's not your weak spot by getting over it.

[–]platewrecked8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

You did good. You handled it well. Now get over it and move on. Quit moping and dwelling. She said something really shitty but unrealistic and you called her on it. Move on, raise the children, lead the family, bang the wife a lot.

[–]Red-Curious5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

My wife tried to make that threat against me once. It was one of the few times when my alpha-side really got to shine in its natural spotlight: I'm a divorce attorney. Ain't no way was that gonna fly.

I really can't explain it (though I'll try), but when your wife is fuming mad at you over something like that, no matter how internally wrecked you are (and from what I gather, if you've been taking TRP for any length of time, you shouldn't be; but let's say you are wrecked) ... just go over and:

  • hug her for about 15 seconds, counting it out if you have to; remain silent during this time, even if she tries to talk (let her, but don't respond)

  • lean your head back and brush her hair away from her cheek and put your hand on her cheek briefly

  • lean in and kiss her cheek

  • say, "I love you and appreciate that you are intensely passionate over this issue; but in this particular moment you are over-reacting and I'm not going to let it get to me."

  • peck her on the forehead

  • walk away with a smile

    • if she lets you go, the next time you see her in a calmer environment you HAVE TO re-raise the issue; this time it will be on your terms. Have an action-plan ready to go for how to solve the conflict, showing simultaneously that: (1) you care about her concerns; (2) you understand her perspective without validating the thought itself or how she handled the situation [don't underestimate the importance of this in any argument]; (3) you will take charge of the situation so she doesn't have to be the one to worry about it anymore; and (4) her over-reaction was not going to solve the problem. This is a perfect quadfecta (and if I really took the time to think about it, I could probably come up with 2-3 more benefits), but I feel like 99% of men miss the opportunity by forgetting to re-raise the issue on their own terms.
    • if she follows you, still yelling and screaming: repeat all of the above until she doesn't know what to do. If that doesn't work or ...
    • if she doesn't let you leave in the first place ("No! I'm not over-reacting. This is seriously an important issue. How can you not see that?!?" Proceeds to block the door.) ... fog. "I agree that this issue is important. You're right, we should be spending more attention on this issue. I actually have an idea for how we can address the issue," and then pull an action plan out of your butt, even if it's a crappy one. If she doesn't like it, let her make some adjustments. The point isn't to come up with the perfect solution; it's to show her how idiotic her over-reaction was when you could come up with a solution to the problem literally on the spot and you can all tweak the solution from there. This has the same benefits as the first option ("if she lets you go ...") except #1, as it usually comes off as you brushing the issue aside quickly, which is outweighed by the other benefits.

It's also worth noting that with this path you'll never get the "he's just trying to fix everything!" argument. If she calms down after the soft affection, you're not fixing anything ... you're being exactly what she wants to see in a man: simultaneously affectionate and dominant. Then, the re-raise of the issue blows her away. If she forces you to deal with it on the spot, as long as you're convincing enough on the "I agree that this issue is important. You're right, we should be spending more attention on this issue" part, the burden shifts to her to prove that you're not meeting the exact need of the moment that she's demanding you address - but you're subtly shifting dominance in the conversation away from her and onto you by throwing her off balance. Because, most women are emotionally-driven, they will pretty much never adapt to this tactic. It will continue to throw them off-balance every single time because when they're in the heat of anger like that, they usually lack the ability to think logically enough to remember how they told themselves they would react the next time you tried to pull this on her. More to the point, most women simply like this tactic enough that they wouldn't want to defray you from exercising it in the first place.

I've done this with my wife over a dozen times in the 9 years we've been married (4 years since I developed this tactic) and I've never seen better results in any other approach. Although my wife is generally frigid (for reasons I have only started to look into, leading to my recent discovery of this sub and its companions), I can only think of one time after doing this where she hasn't tried to initiate sex with me that night or the next day. Beta me rejected her at those times and we haven't had a fight like this in almost a year, so I haven't had the chance to respond differently with another attempt :p That's probably one of those things I'll have to change if it comes up again.

I should also note that I didn't develop this approach as a result of any TRP/MRP thinking, as I didn't know this sub at the time (only discovered it today), so it may not entirely jive with the philosophy here, as I had other huge sources of influence at the time (and still do). So, take it for what it's worth.

Tag: /u/BluepillProfessor (random mod, since I'm new to this whole TRP/MRP thing and wouldn't mind feedback on my approach)

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you handled it pretty well. She crossed a major line, you put her back in line then punished her by withdrawing affection. You then reinforced that your boundaries must never be crossed. To threaten to take your kids over such a minor thing is a big deal. Did she exhibit such significant issues before? You are in a difficult situation, if she does it a couple more times then you need to make good on your threat to next her which is a really big deal. What will you do if she drops that threat a few more times? You said she will regret it, what will you do?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

She already knew it was a weak spot. They all know that children are useful pawns to manipulate and torment the man. I think you handled it well except to be more specific. You will regret is not as effective as I will file for divorce the next time you attempt to manipulate me with the children. Vague threats is never a effective as specific actionable behavior.

This is yet another reason we on mrp cannot recommend marriage even for those who want a family and even though a married couple raising kids is best for the kids. Marriage gives the wife all the power. Our society encourages you go girls to use her hostages without mercy,and they do. They get to decide when where and how much her husband has sex. They get to take the kids and half your shit at any time. No thanks. Would not do again.

You are very correct to view this as a bright red line and to refuse to accept it.

[–]thewholefnshow5470 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

When I use the phrase, "or you'll regret it." That usually means I am fixing on kickin' your ass if you cross me again. Be more specific, or better yet, don't use that phrase. The statement would have been just as effective without the veiled threat of violence at the end of it.

Also keep in mind that women tend to lose their marbles when there is a newborn around. Probably for about the first 6-10 months or so. So try to keep in mind that she might not be playing with a full deck of cards for a while.

[–]sh0ckley2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Last few days I've been distant

There's your problem. You're cock blocking yourself. See my post history about family vacation for when I did the same - it's hilarious.

You set the boundary, now let it go unless its crossed again. Women are children. They cry. You smile. They smile. Emotional memory is null.

Next time try a different approach when she feelz like the kid is gonna cry but you have the facts. Reasoning with a woman is an exercise in stupidity and I know because I've tried.

When I tell mine that she's wrong she gets pissed because telling her that is a mean thing to do. Feelings are never wrong. I just finished reading "How to win friends and influence people" - he's got some choice advice about conflicts - avoid them. Period.

Butt hurt is unattractive. Stop.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

These situations where you're letting the kids handle things a bit on their own and your wife helicopters in judgementally with assumed superiority accusing you of being negligent are extremely frustrating. Best I've got is "No. I'm handling this" or telling her afterwards she needs to back off (sometimes situationally necessary to preserve the unified front).

[–]rockingood1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you handled it quite well. Threats like that… impacting kids' lives and all… they are just plain unacceptable.

Regarding your perceived weak spot and her one-upmanship: don't sweat it. You will get over it.

I articulated my equally weak spot for my own offspring when I was near-dead from a bad, bad case of * edited: bad, bad disease* - and I've gotten passed it - although my future is a bit cloudy and unclear.

I even uttered the words "I could never be with another woman". If I can get past that craziness you can get past this.

Don't stress over the loss of face - which isn't really a loss of face - because you made clear how devoted you are to your children. Devoted dads are good. Little boys and girls need more devoted dads like you.

[–]thunderbeyond1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not much story here. "Relationship is usually pretty good" but there is this one instance where she's been a bitch.

Is there a history of problems or is this just a one-off?

You called her out on her bullshit. Move on.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You talk way too much.

The next day you should have truly acted as if it was nothing, because guess what ?

[–]drty_prRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your attitude sounds shitty. If you're bragging to an online community about how awesome you are, it stands to reason you patronize you wife pretty bad. Saying shit like "I'm an amazing husband, even better father" makes me think you are very good at telling your wife this.

To touch on u/88Will88, are you going to follow through on your threat? It's imperative to not make threats you won't keep. Are you actually going to leave your wife for "threatening" to take your kids?

If you know she can't take the kids on you, so does she. You need not verbalize it. Show her through your actions; by not caring.

To your particular situation, I think you flopped by giving it so much attention. She knows you're upset, even if you don't say it. Time to buckle down and develop a frame where shit tests are no longer an attack on your fabric and become playful attacks on your character.

I'll also add, fuck off with this throwaway/longtime lurker shit. Either make an account and OYS or take a hike.

[–]nombre11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

fuck off with this throwaway/longtime lurker shit

I take it you've never been dox'd.

[–]bala-key0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She disagrees, escalates, gets louder, repeats herself... Gets hostile. I hold frame, get a little louder but never yell or lose composure, but tell her she's wrong, he's ok. She then barks back that if I ever talk to her like that again she's taking the kids and leaving.

She looked for a button to push and found it.

If you keep getting pissed about it you're giving her the tool to rile you up any time she wants to.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You called her bluff and set a boundary. Declare victory to yourself and move on. She knows this is a boundary respected so why r u still mad?

[–]fredgravy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I didn't read the whole thing.. I'm only commenting on the first thing that caught my attention..

You re-addressed an issue that should have been dead after you went for your walk.. and gave the power right back to her by giving an ultimatum..

You gave her the freedom to challenge you..

If you had come back like you weren't stewing about it the entire time you were gone things would have gone differently..

Worst case.. she's not over it and starts it again.. at which point you pick your hobby du'jour and go about it..

Best case she realizes she was a twat.. and apologizes.. you can now have an actual conversation..

If she decides to sabotage that conversation.. see worst case scenario and proceed..

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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