Hi guys, hope this is within the rules to post an introduction...
I've recently discovered the red pill material. 37 years old, married for 13, two kids. My entire adult life has been "blue pill", not unlike many of you. Shitty, infrequent sex and a fucked up dynamic where she was clearly the alpha in our relationship. I honestly don't think she ever wanted that- it was just the natural consequence of living with a non-assertive, non-confident, non-masculine guy. (it hurts me to write that...but there it is) Discovering Athol Kay's work and TRP in general has been nothing short of taking a red pill as we saw in the Matrix... suddenly all the little bits of world-view conflicting information and experiences suddenly click in to place. "Ah ha!", everything makes sense. All the seemingly contradictory actions of women and advice from sex columnists that never, ever worked are so obvious now. Sad that I've lost so much time, but also happy that I still have quite a bit of time to fix this shit.
Whole thing got started when the wife and I stumbled on a NYTimes article on open marriages. It was a catalyst because it forced us to remember what it was like kissing someone new for the first time, and thinking about that possibility in an open marriage. The open marriage idea didn't hold water for either of us- we don't want that, but it forced us to see that there's something clearly missing in our relationship today: excitement on both sides. For her, an obvious (obvious now...) lack of attraction / arousal due to my lame beta traits. For me a lack of sex and great confusion as to why. From there it inspired us to read the book "Mating in Captivity", a marriage self help book that I endorse. It's helpful for what it is and is congruent with RP material, specifically where it speaks to male/female dynamics, but falls short in that it doesn't really offer a clear plan of action. Then I found Athol's MMSLP book. Holy shit I couldn't read it fast enough. Things really clicked in to place with that one. I realized pretty quickly that this is a book to read on my own, so that I could employ the advice without looking like my actions are in any way orchestrated (although they are!). It's very hard to change very ingrained thought patterns. To a large degree I am "faking it until I make it".
I'm fresh on the journey. For my part, I've been very physically fit since I started running in 2011 and then when I started lifting in 2013. This is something I've made part of my life and has also inspired her to try and keep up. I'm also not horribly ugly (lol), and am enjoying a healthy career. Right now I'm in a management position at work and there is a lot of room for upwards mobility which I am acting on. Where I've succeeded career wise I have failed in other areas- such as not putting enough importance on hanging out with male friends. Also not enough attention on personal hobbies that have no involvement from the wife unit. And the elephant in the room of course, is the beta behavior.
I really appreciate that there is a good number of guys here like me who have made permanent changes in their marriages for the better. I have a few specific questions for you guys if you'll entertain them:
I've read that you shouldn't expect faster progress than 1 month for every year you've been married and in a blue pill state. For me that would be about 13 months. If I do "everything right", what should I reasonably expect after 3 months, 6 months, 8 months, 12 months?
Along the lines of #1, is there any real limit to this? From my perspective, reading posts from you guys about how you went from near-sexless marriage to fucking 4-5 times a week is nothing short of magical. Seriously- that looks just like magic from my vantage point. I don't want to raise false expectations, but I also don't want to self limit because that seems to be the wrong way around. Thoughts?
How has it been as an internal journey? I mean- many of the changes here are not small from my perspective and more or less add up to a personality change. I have no problem with that consciously, but from experience I know that changing fundamental aspects of your personality is anything but simple. It can (and will!) be done, but I'd appreciate hearing what your experiences of this are. Do you feel tired quite often? Is it tough to remember to act "alpha"? When does it cross over into natural behavior? What advice can you offer to help me ingest this stuff more into who I am? I suppose seeing some results will help reinforce things.
One thing I know will help me specifically is creating a healthy level of active and passive dread. I can hold my own physically with sex appeal. I notice women eyeing me down here and there. But I've been "no threat" for so long with my wife that I know she has taken me for granted by now, and I presume she has the attitude that "oh well, it could be worse". Again I hold no anger over this- it is a natural consequence of my behavior. One positive take-away from the 'mating in captivity' book we read together is that flirting (with agreed boundaries) is a healthy activity for both people in a marriage. Can you share any tips for doing this "right"? Since I started flirting (again, first time in 13+ years), I've enjoyed it immensely. But if I only flirt when the Mrs. is not around, I don't think I'm really getting the full benefit. I get more self confidence but miss out on the dread gains. But I worry that I'm so out of practice with flirting that if I did it right in front of her I would come off too strong and/or ruin the game somehow. So how do you flirt with another lady and let your wife know about it without making it obvious that you want your wife to know about it? Because that sort of ruins the game.
And a very specific question. I'll be off on a business trip to LA in a couple of months. Any pro-tips for maximizing some dread build up in this time? I'll do nearly anything to make my marriage hot again. I even thought up some convoluted plans to recruit some female friends (who live in other cities) to make flirtatious facebook comments on my facebook wall, shit like that. All I know is that I'm a unit of animated carbon walking around on a spinning ball of rock, orbiting a ball of fire and that my experience here can be good or bad, but that nobody else, let along the universe, cares or will do anything else for me either way. I want to make it as good as it can possibly be!!
thanks for reading and again, so awesome that this community exists.
TLDR: Enthusiastic and optimistic newbie checking in and asking about some basics, and some specifics. Thanks, really happy to be here.