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What does it mean when the wife offers that you could fuck someone else?

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June 20, 2017
9 upvotes

Wife: "I can't have sex with you - I feel not secure yada yada" (translate: you are not attractive to me at all)

Wife: "I know you would like to have sex, so you could see other women if I am not enough, but don't tell me about it."

Me: "Yeah - I wan't a marriage with sex or no marriage at all not some half assed bullshit."

For Clarification: I was not negotiating sex - the convo was about her moving out and ending the marriage.

I a not sure if this is a bluff on her side. But what else does she bring to the table in the end? I handle my chores and I bet it would be cheaper to pay someone to clean the house than providing for my wife.

I guess she wants an easy way out, without loosing access.

She always tells me that she likes me an she is interested in me and don't want to break up communications in case we break up.

But this is bullshit. Who needs that crap from an ex wife, like calling on birthdays or something. I don't get how she would want something like this.

Things I figured out:

  • I am unattractive to her
  • I am not a fun person to be around at least for her
  • I have to slow down the pace and have to read
  • I have to socialize and talk to every person just to get social skills going.

The thing I have not figured out:

What is the reasoning behind the statement?

Why would she like me to fuck other girls? Just to see if I would do it? Or is this a shit test? Comfort test? Her easy way out? IDK

On the notion on her beeing unfaithfull

I am maybe making excuses for my little snowflake. The reasoning behind my doubts is this: Things are fucked up since our daughter died 2 years ago. I failed handling the situation correctly and I got deep into a depression. So she got into the savior syndrome. Take it with a grain of salt - you know my posts and I am prone to fuck up. What she is telling me is that sex is a problem for her if she can't trust someone and she doesn't even think about going trough all the trouble again - after having dealt with me. I believe her.


Post Information
Title What does it mean when the wife offers that you could fuck someone else?
Author number123356
Upvotes 9
Comments 64
Date 20 June 2017 09:55 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/205973
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6id1pw/what_does_it_mean_when_the_wife_offers_that_you/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
shit testcomfort testsnowflake
Comments

[–]The_LitzRed Beret29 points30 points  (10 children) | Copy

Forget what she says and look at what she does.

From what you have told us thus far:

  • She avoids spending time with you.

  • Getting her to have sex with you is near impossible.

  • She wants you to leave her alone and fuck other women.

  • She stays over at her male bestie's house over weekends.

  • She goes drinking with her friends in the city and stays over, without you.

Did I miss anything?

Her actions, if you tally the scores, are telling you she wants out.

Be a gracious host and show her the door.

[–]number123356[S] 2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy

Ok what are my options here?

I have some history with her, that really fuses us together. I really love her for what she has done, and I am to ashamed to show her the door, cause she was there for me in the hard times after the death of our daughter.

I can see that she is acting like she wants to leave. But she would never admit it.

Is there a way to fix this mess or is this a lost cause?

[–]chachaChad16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

It’s a lost cause. Now be a man and show her how adults handle the end of relationship. Be kind, be calm. Figure out everything that needs to be done for you two to divorce. Sit down with her and have a calm conversation about how this all ends. She’s begging you to end it and you can’t accept that.

[–]stonewall197911 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ahh, the classic sunk costs fallacy. I can't leave, I've invested too much. I'd much rather stay in this dumpster fire of a relationship because I've invested so much in the past, that I'll sacrifice my future happiness and masculinity.

Take the time now to see a lawyer/attorney figure out what you can do to maximize your position in the divorce. Set plans and goals in motion to cleanly exit the relationship. Save up your fuck you fund, check out apartments or rentals, figure out what you need for deposit and rent.

She's probably already fucking other people and trying to placate her guilt by telling you can fuck other women; or she's trying to strengthen her position in a divorce by saying you cheated. I'd find out and document what is really going on when she's staying overnight at other people's homes. Hiring a private investigator would probably be best but consult your lawyer first.

Regardless of the past, plan for your future. Keep reading through the sidebar, find a counselor, delete social media, hit the gym, lawyer up.

[–]innominating10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you prepare yourself to show her the door she will want to stay. Then you'll get to decide if she is worth it.

[–]bsutansaltRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You have sunk cost fallacy. The first step in overcoming that is realizing you're mired in it.

[–]rocknrollchuck2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can see that she is acting like she wants to leave. But she would never admit it.

Why would you want her to stay, if you can clearly see she wants to leave? Believe me, when she is ready to move on she will end it with you no problem. And you'll say that you never saw it coming...

[–]The_LitzRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

The answers you are looking for is not going to be on an internet forum, but in a therapists office.

Right now you and your wife are at such a stalemate that every little thing anyone does is analysed, overthought and debated to death. Neither you or your wife are equiped to deal with your situation as it stands now, and neither of you can move on because of all the baggage.

Both of you need to see a professional about this and sort it from there. Some things can't be solved with a slap on the ass and some (lame) AM.

In the meantime lift and improve yourself while you are going to the counseling/therapy.

[–]anotherswingingdick17 points18 points  (5 children) | Copy

She already has; or wants to; or intends to..... fuck some guy. Without telling you.

[–]longboarder5504 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Without knowing you or your situation, only based on what I'm reading- it is probably exactly this. I think you're beyond fitness tests if you're talking about moving out.

[–]number123356[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I am not sure on this. Usually I would agree but not with her.

I am maybe making excuses for my little snowflake. The reasoning behind my doubts is this: Things are fucked up since our daughter died 2 years ago. I failed handling the situation correctly and I got deep into a depression. So she got into the savior syndrome.

Take it with a grain of salt - you know my posts and I am prone to fuck up.

What she is telling me is that sex is a problem for her if she can't trust someone and she doesn't even think about going trough all the trouble again - after having dealt with me. I believe her.

Am I making excuses for her?

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

our daughter died 2 years ago.

Once again they bury the lead!

I not sure that came out quite right so let me add that I have experience with this and 2 years is still pretty tough. You might be just now starting to get shit together, possibly not for even longer. I think the 1 year Dread / Athol Kay recommendations should not START for 2-3 years after an event like this. Just my 2 cents but it is something I have gone through and I have advised others on this.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

But this is bullshit. Who needs that crap from an ex wife, like calling on birthdays or something. I don't get how she would want something like this.

Validation and attention. Women love that. You would know if you read the sidebar. If you give that to her and is not fucking her, you are her orbiter. You are low value.

Look at the facts man. You are unnatractive to her (you dont say anything about you, my guess is you dont lift, your diet is shit and you have a dadbod), she says you should fuck other women (it will be easy to hamster "he fucks other people so I can do it as well") and she is going on GNOs and sleeping at some dudes house, yeah, she is most likely fucking around.

She wants out, but she doesnt have the balls do do it. She doesnt want to be the "bad guy". Use your balls and be the bad guy yourself. Yeah she will tell everyone "how could he dump me after all that I did for him when our daughter died blah blah". Yeah, sucks. Its this or you continue to live a shitty life on a shitty marriage with a woman that is repulsed by you.

https://therationalmale.com/2016/10/24/please-breakup-with-me/

[–]anotherswingingdick3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Am I making excuses for her?

ask your mother

[–]mrpthrowa12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy

you have one of the strongest cases of oneties I've seen and you need psychatric help.

next time you'll walk in on your wife with someone's cock in her month and you'll still come here asking what it means.

[–]WesternhagenWinner14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy

next time you'll walk in on your wife with someone's cock in her month and you'll still come here asking what it means.

"She took the guy's dick out for a second to tell me she is interested in me and doesn't want to break communications with me."

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

She sleeps over at her male "friends'" house and is telling you to go fuck other women as she's getting ready to move out.

Do I need to draw you a fucking picture?

It sounds to me like this train has already left the station. Good news is, if you actually put some effort into lifting and sidebar, you won't repeat the mistakes that got you in this cluster fuck of a relationship.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

She sleeps over at her male "friends'" house and is telling you to go fuck other women

For those playing at home, this means she has cheated and wants him to fuck another woman, somewhat to absolve any guilt, but mostly to save face. She can't look like a slut/asshole if they were both cheating, right?

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do I need to draw you a fucking picture?

Apparently, yes, since he was drawn a convincing picture two weeks ago and he refused to accept it.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (10 children) | Copy

I've offered that to my husband prior to RP. For me it came straight from a place of depression and being told by him that because of my depression I was worthless in that department. So I figured if I wasn't good enough it would be ok for him to seek out others. I don't ever want to be a ball and chain. Like you, he was not there when I needed him for support and our relationship was really messed up later because of that. There wasn't any trust, because how would I know when I could be open and vulnerable when he purposely hurt me before? I found myself in a position of constantly being at odds with him because whenever I tried to hand him the reins or leadership he would crumble under me. Obviously unattractive(although I never actually stopped boning him) and I was distant in many other ways because of how clear it was that I couldn't rely on him. To this day I still have a lot I fight against(internally) because of all the old wounds.

I don't know why she doesn't want to have sex with you, and I don't know if it's 100% true to say that the problems are only on your end. Ultimately you can't fix her issues and she has to work through them, with or without you. Really it's up to you to decide what you'll put up with and for how long. I do think there is improvement you have to work on because that can be motivating for your spouse. Divorce is of course a perfectly valid option and in the end you have to do what's best for you and your life. If you don't want to talk to her as an ex, just screen her calls or change your number, not really a big deal. She's a big girl and will deal with that.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

purposely hurt me before

for consideration, most people do not purposefully hurt others. Been on both ends. Its a sign of his pain.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

At the time the first was all him mostly because he was clueless of what to do and no one had ever needed him like that before. Then yes, afterwards it was a vicious cycle of the both of us lashing out. Horrendous behavior from both of us.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yea that sucks quite a bit

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Like you, he was not there when I needed him for support and our relationship was really messed up later because of that. There wasn't any trust, because how would I know when I could be open and vulnerable when he purposely hurt me before?

been there done that from the other side; and i own this as the biggest fail of my marriage. curious as to how you/he got over this?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Apologies for how long this became. I pared it down the best I was able.

I was in depression free fall for the whole time that I had it continually, and eventually hit rock bottom. At that point I realized I could either die or get on with it and neither of those things could be dependent on my husband. He couldn't stop me, or just somehow know what things looked like from my perspective in order to effectively help. I was never able to get repeats of the times when he was an effective help and that was fairly soul crushing.

I eventually gave up on pursuing his help and started trying to focus on myself. I missed the idea of him helping me and that was one of the hardest things to deal with. It made me feel completely worthless and inadequate. I took steps in the right direction slowly. Slight side note, therapy was almost useless. Both the people I went to said he was the issue and this really set me back on making progress with ME. My depression, my problem.

I think something that would have helped would have been just general support from him. Every once in a while I would have a day where the depression was better and I'd want to do something. The excitement was dead of course from me, but I did feel better and did outwardly convey that to him. He didn't notice or encourage/support me wanting to go out, or take a walk, or exercise or anything like that AT THOSE TIMES, which is when I needed it. I communicated this to him but it fell on deaf ears. Instead he fed me 'you never want to do anything', 'you're always depressed/sad/negative', 'you're a fun killer', 'I don't want to be around when you're sad' and many much worse things. Not only did I have my own voice telling me those things, but his voice was there too. So I think even slight positivism or not telling me constantly how shit everything I did was would have helped. Would have been better to have someone to cry with too, instead of being made to feel like I had to hide it and avoid him completely. He was very apathetic and for a long time I questioned why he didn't just abandon me completely so I could execute the final solution.

Today I don't go to him with any depression related things and thankfully they're very rare. I realize the above paints him poorly, but we were both in bad places and my depression hung over the both of us constantly. I own my mistakes and have had a lot of time for introspection, and am better at practicing it so can better identify issues. I know at one point he had a lot of guilt over his actions or lack thereof, and think he'll probably carry that for a long time. Trust wise I'm not where I want to be and I find it hard to be open or vulnerable. I'm working on this, but it's very very slow going. Currently I'm focusing on identifying whether or not the issues are even things that are real issues, whether I should actually have them, and whether or not it's even something we can do something about. That's cut down majorly on number of things I bring to him and overall made me happier and better at letting stuff go.

I'm not really sure to be honest how over it anyone can really be. It's been about two years since my good days started to outweigh the bad, and I think he's still learning to see that. For all his flaws he's a good man and this whole ordeal caught him with his pants down in the worst way possible. Can only move forward and I choose to focus on that, not what we've both been through.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

how over it anyone can really be

if you want my advice, this should be your focus. just let go of it all and,

move forward

thanks for the story

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill[M] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

You've been well behaved so far, but because your posting history in MRP and AskMRP is recent, I will remind you to review the following:

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/4z84w5/posting_quality_guide_for_rmarriedredpill/

Most of all, perspective is welcome, advice is not.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the suggestion.

[–]bob13bob-2 points-1 points  (1 child) | Copy

WTF is this. I don't want a safe space where people are not allowed to speak. Is this how this place is moderated? I thought this wasn't a SJW regulated zone. I thought we weren't afraid of challenging notions here.

Telling a women not give advice while 95% of the posts here are giving advice.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Men are allowed to speak freely. Women are allowed to advise.

[–]CopybookHeadings2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

What Would Admiral Ackbar Do?

[–]stonewall19794 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Send a few dozen insurgent terrorists to their deaths in a million to one shot at launching a torpedo up an tiny exhaust port on a miracle of science formed into a mobile space station. All while sitting in a comfortable cruiser directing the action? Trying to kill hundreds of thousands of workers and soldiers of the legitimate governing body.

But if you meant what would Admiral Ackbar Say? It's a trap.

[–]CopybookHeadings1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ha! Yes, all true. (Hadn't had any coffee yet when I'd posted that, tbh. shrug)

[–]stonewall19792 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, sorry I couldn't help myself. Big nerd that I am, I had to say something.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe she's trying to figure out what you want and where you want to go and what the future could look like together?

As your frame starts to emerge your wife will realize her mental model of you is no longer accurate. So she'll work to update her understanding of who you are and what's changed, what's important to you now, what you think of her, and try to orient herself. She'll experiment with you various ways. I found being clear with her about what I want, my goals and my priorities (and uncertainties) worked much better than trying to be silent and mysterious.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

OK OK OK.

Your daughter died 2 years ago. You got depressed. How did your wife react? How old was your daughter at death? How old are you? How old is your wife?

That's a huge, huge thing right there. Most people don't go through that in a marriage. You did. Your marriage went through extreme, extreme stress and strain. You need to back up and take a look at that, friend.

EDIT: OK, after comment reading I've now read some other submitted posts. Your wife didn't handle things well either. She sleeps over at a "male friend's" house. Yeah. Married women do not do this. She is either having sex with other men, or is getting ready to. You really need to prepare for divorce here because that's where this train is heading and I don't think anyone can stop it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Women dont share anything of value willingly so you can guess what her appraisal of you must be

[–]InvincibleKraken1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Did you edit the OP to take out the part about her spending nights at the house of another male?

[–]number123356[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nah - that was another post

[–]straius1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's not going to fuck you while you're angry and resentful. She's not going to want to be around you while you're angry and resentful. You're not attractive when you're angry and resentful.

You need to find a therapist that works for you. Strangers on the internet haven't yet and are not going to be the help you need. Combine with therapy and maybe you have a shot, but you don't have the emotional control yet to put the sidebar into practice.

[–]recon_johnny1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Am on mobile, so don't see your history, especially with her hanging with other men or staying overnight.

Normally, with just what you've posted, I'd say she's already fucking someone else, and is looking to make it ok by "giving" you the "option", so you're not surprised/bitter when trickle truth comes out.

She'll want access to everything else, like house, money, beta orbiter (that's you); so is a good ploy on her part.

If she's already hanging out with a guy and spending the night...come on man. You KNOW what's going on.

Move the fuck on and focus on improving you.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I seriously can't believe you're still successfully trolling people.

8/8, gr8 b8.

[–]number123356[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I wished it all be trolling. I really do m8.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why would she like me to fuck other girls?

Because her opinion of you is so low she doesn't think that you can. She is subconsciously desperately desiring you to become attractive so that you can fuck other women. Only when you are at that point will you be attractive to her and she knows it somewhere inside that pile of grey-red goo she calls a brain.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree that you need more help than a bunch of internet dudes can provide. Your wife is checking out.

On thing that stands out is the safety-- women use this excuse all the time for not having sex. And for the most part it's true for them. She doesn't feel safe with you touching her body. Find out why. It's probably got less to do with you being unnattractive than not connecting emotionally.

Make yourself attractive. But at the same time, take time to listen and validate her feelings. And for god sake get a real hobby beside LARP

[–]JudgeDoom690 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A woman is never yours, it is just your turn. Your turn is over with this one. She has already swung to the next branch(es). It is time for you to adjust to your actual reality.

Secretly consult with a good divorce attorney. It costs about $250 and is very empowering to know exactly what your rights are and where you'll stand after a divorce.

Start hoarding cash in a safe place.

Probably in about two years, with her bills piling up and her ass getting bigger, she'll see the awesome life you are living and she'll come crawling back to you. By then it will be too late and you'll have upgraded to a better woman.

Godspeed my friend, things will get worse before they get a whole lot better.

[–]bsutansaltRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

  1. It's a shit test.
  2. She's gotten the idea to ask because the though has already crossed her mind to try the same with another guy.

[–]Code_Combo_Breaker0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She wants you to have sex with someone else so her current infedelity can become validated in her own mind.

OP you are losing the battle ATM.

[–]binrobinro0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It means she's fucking someone else.

[–]Kommanderdude0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

In my friend's case. Wife suggested he fuck someone else. He was resistant to it. Then she brings hot coworker friend home and they get naked. He fucks her while the wife watches. Next day wife says, ya know since you fucked someone besides me now I get to fuck someone besides you. Turns out she already had a guy in mind. Buddy agrees out of blue pill guilt because fairness.

Fast forward a few years later and she has cheated on him 4 times with 4 different guys and gives him herpes. He tries to make it work after finding out. Fast forward another year and she's cheating again. This time he had the balls to leave her.

Could be she wants to fuck someone else or it could be that you are so high SMV she feels like she needs to share you to keep you. Only you can decide which decision to make.



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