Hi guys, this is my first time posting here and I just wanted to tell my story, ask a few questions, share a few tips, and get some feedback. Hopefully, some of the more veteran members of the board or others who are further along in the MRP journey can elaborate on the topics a bit and provide constructive criticism.
A brief background: I’m in my late 20s, married 4 years with a 3-year old, and have spent the last 2 months reading the sidebar, the Family Alpha blog, NMMNG, MMSLP and have begun to integrate the principles into my life little by little. I have been lifting (SL 5x5) and working on general fitness for 2 months as well. Like many others, a general lack of respect, scarcity of sex (1-2 times per month) and a decrease in quality sex (no more BJs, not allowed to eat pussy, missionary only) drove me to search for answers. The impetus for change followed a cringe-worthy “talk” that I initiated with my wife about the lack of sex and how I wasn’t getting my needs met. This beta-behavior led to a massive fight. Since then, my mantra has been “you cannot negotiate attraction” and I have worked to improve myself, raise my SMV, employ covert light dread, and regain my status as the family alpha.
FR Months 1 and 2: Fitness: I have been lifting and doing general cardio for 2 months. I’m around 20 - 25% BF and still 25 -30 lbs overweight (6’1”, 225 lb, down from 240). Wife is obese (~50 lbs overweight). After only 2 months, I already look visibly leaner and I’m sleeping much better. I have so much more energy and my sex drive has actually increased (she already couldn’t keep up ¯_(ツ)_/¯ ) since I’ve been lifting (3x per week, cardio 2x per week). I’m progressing slowly and steadily with the weights (5 lbs to the barbell per workout; e.g. StrongLifts 5x5) as I was severely out of shape. I am still decently strong and have ok muscle mass as I lifted fairly regularly throughout high school and undergrad. Once my cardio fitness is acceptable and I lose another 15 lbs. I’m going to cut some of the cardio and focus more on developing strength and muscle mass.
My wife has been going to the gym and walking on the track for about an hour 3x per week and doing a few exercises on the weight machines. I have encouraged her efforts and not criticized her methods despite my belief that she needs to up the intensity and improve her diet if she wants to start seeing meaningful results. I have improved my diet (cutting sugar and liquid calories, limiting fast-food to once per week) and cut out binge-drinking completely (was killing a 12 pack of light beer nearly every day at my worst point). I still have ~3 good beers once or twice per week. I smoke weed occasionally but I am planning on eliminating that behavior as it is a psychological crutch for me when things are difficult and it makes my thinking fuzzy and impairs my judgment/word choice during conversations.
Frame: So far, I have practiced STFU and not DEERing during her shit tests as these strategies seem to be the easiest to pull off while still creating some reasonable results. I’ve improved some, but I usually tend to ignore her spewing hate or bullshit rather than using AA or AM as those responses are still difficult for me to pull off with a believable level of confidence. I probably need to get a bit ballsier in my responses, but I’ll be honest, she usually destroys me if a shit test devolves into verbal sparring. Her shit tests are typically fairly mild, but in the past I had a poor tendency of making them worse and digging my own grave due to my mouth and my immature need to try and make her understand my point of view through logic. I still have a way to go in this area and, occasionally, I let her words elicit an emotional response from me despite my attempts to remain stoic and exude a DGAF attitude.
This has probably been the toughest area for me to see results as my wife is naturally very witty and strong-willed compared to most women. It has also been difficult not to go full Rambo/autistic in this area as many times I’ve been tempted to just brute wrest control of a situation when she is being mouthy or acting out of line. It doesn’t help that I’m so goddamn angry and resentful towards her and for letting my own behavior create an environment where she deems this as acceptable. By far, this has been the hardest part of the pill for me to swallow: that, ultimately, I am responsible for this due to my beta behaviors over the years. She wasn’t like this when we first married. I’ve been trying to make slow, steady progress in this area without disrupting the status quo so abruptly that she starts to think that I’m overtly up to something. It is obvious that I want to improve my fitness and get more sex, but I want to avoid her finding out about fight club at all costs as I’m trying to employ some light covert dread through self-improvement. She considers herself a feminist and her discovering MRP would severely impede my attempts to improve the marriage.
Sex: Sex has improved quite a bit, but still has a way to go. I initiate nearly nightly (goal: 3 times per week), but if she says no, I now drop it immediately and don’t let it alter my mood or actions toward her the rest of the night (no whining, no covert contracts, and don’t try to talk her into anything). Again, understanding that you cannot negotiate attraction has helped me tremendously. I’m averaging sex 1-2 times per a week now compared to 1 to 2 times per month previously. I got oral back on the table though she still won’t get on top or let me do doggy…yet. One tip I would like to share with you guys that has worked well for me and that I haven’t seen mentioned much on here is this: If she says no, accept the no gracefully and tell her you’re going to go masturbate instead and that she is free to come join you if she wants. Then just leave and go do it. Half of the time, she has ended up coming to join me for sex, and the other half I still came and passed out afterward. No fuss. Just be confident and believable while holding no expectations of her. I have quit using porn to masturbate and instead do it freely in our bedroom without shame. This works well for us. YMMV.
The other thing that has helped me with sex is to quit worrying about her pleasure. I’m going to get mine, whether she enjoys the experience is completely up to her. I was a bit of a bedroom technician before, always preoccupied with her pleasure and making sure she got off prior to PIV intercourse. Since MRP, I have begun to practice immersion (Sex God Method), solely focusing on my own arousal and pleasure while trying to eliminate extraneous thoughts and just living in the moment. She has responded well to this. The difference? I’m no longer stressed about my performance, it’s more enjoyable for me, I come off as more dominant, and she’s still usually having at least one really strong vaginal orgasm.
Sex feels great and we have always had great physical chemistry, but it is still lacking visually and psychologically for me. I’m sure she would say the same about me.
How do you tell your wife “no” or get her into your frame following a reasonable request without coming off as autistic or a douchebag? Every time this scenario happens and I say no or try to use AA or AM, she huffs and puffs, calls me an asshole and gives me the cold shoulder the rest of the night. I act indifferent (DGAF) about it, but there has to be a better strategy than this or maybe I’m just not getting it. This is an especially difficult behavior for me to change because she is conditioned to me being compliant when she asks me to do something nicely. However, I do my fair share of household duties/taking care of my son so I believe these are shit tests (or she’s just fucking lazy) and I want to make some progress in this area without it devolving into a fight and losing progress.
How do you deal with lingering resentment and anger toward your wife? I’m working on owning my shit and accepting the fact that if I had maintained alpha behaviors and not been a drunk captain more often than not throughout the marriage, I wouldn’t be in this situation. My poker face has improved and I don’t often betray the raging storm brewing inside anymore, but sometimes I just want to fucking next her because it doesn’t feel worth the effort. Maybe I’m deluded about my prospects if I was single (grass is greener, etc.), but I know for a fact my SMV is higher than hers. Channeling rage into the weights helps, but how do you develop true outcome independence and accept that, ultimately, you can only change your behaviors, not hers? I understand the principles, but I’m struggling to internalize it, and sometimes it keeps me up at night.
Regarding sex, how do you handle legitimate physical limitations your wife may have? For example, my wife has chronic lower back pain and sometimes she says it’s too painful to have sex. Other times, she says she is too sore from the gym. While I understand that these scenarios are real, I suspect that if her horniness/attraction was high enough for me, she would still be DTF. I know this because I fucked her silly when I had bruised ribs a few weeks ago because we both wanted it even though it was super painful for me. I think she uses pain as a get out of jail free card rather than because she is actually in too much pain for sex. Is there a good way to handle this scenario without losing frame or completely dismissing her pain?
Do you have any tips to share about how to internalize the concepts here and strategies for being happy despite things not changing and/or changing very slowly? I probably just need to be more patient and wait for her to come around (1,000 foot rope) or not, but I still feel that I’m working toward many disparate goals that I’m making varying degrees of progress on.