Found Red Pill eight months ago and soon after married Red Pill. Five months ago I began reading the sidebar and the subs daily. I am morbidly obese and have lost over one hundred pounds in the past year. I currently weigh 335 lbs. Started Strong lifts a month ago after over a year with a personal trainer to just get to the point that I could exercise without my heart exploding. I have never been with any woman other than my wife. I have exactly no game and am a complete idiot when meeting new people.
Marriage-Married for 31 years with three kids. I love my wife and have a serious case of oneitis. She had an affair 23 years ago and it still guts me to this day when I think about it. As far as I know she has been faithful since we reconciled but who knows. The fact that I cannot put it behind me 23 years later is one reason I need the principles of MRP so bad.
Kids- I am their dad period. This is the one area where I have excelled and have no doubts. They have all transitioned to good solid adults with no major issues at all. Just the normal growing pains.
Sex- I am tolerated. Frequency during my marriage has been about every other week. During the past five months it increased to twice a week but still very vanilla. I have never had a blowjob. Never. Few apparent starfish sessions but nothing overwhelming. This past weekend no hard no's but three times in a row I got "I don't want to but if you have to get the lube and I'll let you." First time I took the opportunity but the other times I passed.
Finances- Good. Not much I can add.
My problem is my big fat stupid mouth. I know I am unattractive. I know my wife detests having sex with me. I know I should lead and I do in more areas than not and was getting better everyday. But I have a long road ahead to get to the point that I could even be considered tolerable to look at much less nice looking. No rose colored glasses here. But I need a fucking muzzle. I have worked hard over the past year and a half to get healthier. Not once have I looked at myself and said, "You need to lose weight so your wife will like you." Never. It has one hundred percent been about me being a healthier person and tired of the chronic pain that comes with being over four hundred pounds. But, the limited success I have had went to my head I decided that maybe its about time my wife validated me. STUPID STUPID STUPID. This lead to my complete and utter failure in maintaining any type of frame.
The above exchange regarding "get the lube" caused me to start pouring out my anger and feelings about how she made me feel when she says stuff like that (normally I have been good at not being butt hurt)...it snowballed into the affair and culminating in me telling her how much I resented the fact that she had such passion for her fuck buddy years ago that she was willing to throw me and our son away to go off and fuck him. And that I never got that passion from her. We have not spoken except for taking care of things around the house. Until this point I had laid a small foundation of Alpha behavior and was slowly building on it. I knew it would be a long time but I could not STFU.
Now my question- Do I try to fix this somehow by owning it. Or do I shut up and ride the storm out and start over. Hell, how do I own it? I am at fault for losing frame and slinging feelings around like a monkey slinging shit. I just need some guidance on how to navigate this guy's.
Update ** Damn... You mother fuckers are awesome. Thanks for your encouragement and much needed truth. Because if this I have changed my goal that I have had for the past year and a half from trying to be a healthier man to flat out being the best man I can be period. I have changed my view of what happened from a failure to an opportunity to improve. And that subtle shift in thought is powerful to me right now. I see it now as an opening to really internalize the sidebar.
Vision. Goal. Action. The pieces are there.