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I've read IFGWISN but I'm having trouble implementing it when she acts like she is giving me commands. I get incredibly angry and tell her to fuck off I'll do what ever I feel.

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June 6, 2017
8 upvotes

Here is what just happened and brought me here. My wife will often cook enough for dinner and for me to have lunch the next day or we eat the leftovers the next day. Sometimes she doesn't account for how big my appetite is and I'll have to eat more. Yes I work out, no I'm not bored eating, no I'm not fat.

About 20 mins after dinner the nagging hunger didn't go away so I walk in kitchen to see how much she cooked, if its packed for lunch, next day, whatever. Open the fridge and she calls from next room.

Wife: Don't you dare eat any more, its for tomorrow's dinner!

Me: (I laugh) Oh yes mother, I'll be sure not to touch it. (As I see how much there actually is before I cook some eggs.)

Wife: (She storms into the kitchen.) Your just like my dad and you always do this. You eat too much then I have to eat less the next day.

Me: I'll eat everything that is left over if I feel like it and you will cook more again tomorrow. Do not fucking tell me what I am allowed to do.

Wife: No I won't. You can cook for yourself then.

Me: No, you'll cook. (Then I left the kitchen and took a shower.)

She stomped around angry for a bit while I was in the shower then while I was working on something in the kitchen. Some time later she is acting somewhat normal and complained about one of her relatives to me.

This doesn't feel like a win. I didn't FOG, NA, or NQ like I think I'm supposed to. I don't want to agree with anything she says. I didn't plan on making tomorrow harder by eating everything. I was going to cooks some eggs like I always do. But it feels like she got her way because I did what she told me to even though it was what I was planning anyways. Also I let the argument happen so that fucks my frame right? But if I don't challenge it if feels like I would just be quiet and do what she said. I'm very confused and not sure how to feel.


Post Information
Title I've read IFGWISN but I'm having trouble implementing it when she acts like she is giving me commands. I get incredibly angry and tell her to fuck off I'll do what ever I feel.
Author toomanybaddecisions
Upvotes 8
Comments 67
Date 06 June 2017 02:27 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206055
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6fiza1/ive_read_ifgwisn_but_im_having_trouble/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 62 points63 points  (17 children) | Copy

Sometimes she doesn't account for how big my appetite is and I'll have to eat more.

What the actual fuck.

I guess your wife didn't catch those telepathic messages your stomach was sending her about how hungry you were, so she knows how much to make huh? And she packs your lunch too? How sweet. God forbid she be concerned that your fatass wasn't satisfied with dinner and is now going to eat her shit. But oh! "You'll cook tomorrow too, again based on a hunger level I don't tell you about but I covertly expect you to make the appropriate amount of food."

I didn't plan on making tomorrow harder by eating everything.

But it sounds like you do often enough that it's a problem. Height and weight?

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret10 points11 points  (8 children) | Copy

I didn't plan on making tomorrow harder by eating everything.

But it sounds like you do often enough that it's a problem. Height and weight?

I hope to hell this is because OP is lifting and keeping to a bulk rather than just being a fatass. I'll assume it is, though possibly appropriate username says otherwise.

I have a rule in my house. Anything in the fridge is fair game unless someone calls it for a specific meal. "I was considering using that to make something at an unspecified date." Nope, not good enough, I'm going to eat it. "That is the kids lunch tomorrow." Ok, fine, I won't eat it. "That's tomorrow's dinner." Ok, fine. This policy often leads to "Where did X go?" "LOL, I ate that two days ago."

Wife took some time to get used to it, but she's pretty much on board since 90% of the time anything saved would end up thrown out anyway.

Also, if wife doesn't make enough for me to eat, I make a second dinner for myself. It happens maybe once or twice a week. I'm not butthurt about it, I just get out some food and make what I need to hit the macros.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

It's possible he's bulking. Past posts indicate a battle with alcohol that he's getting better at. But that's easily empty calories. In addition, having enough calories left after dinner to allow for another dinner is either poor planning, or being fat. I have a preplanned 400 calorie breakfast, two to three 250-400 calorie lunches, and a thousand calorie dinner. If I'm hungry after dinner, I tough it out, or do cardio during the day to allow for more food later.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

a thousand calorie dinner

Easily two dinners there by any normal person standards.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

The point is it's planned. There is no "oh I'm still hungry I'll just eat more". If he had extra calories, why is his dinner portion not that many calories...because mommy makes it for him.

An analogy. It's like when my wife used to wash my clothes...well...she'd wash some of them. Truth was she was slow at doing it, and when I did extra cardio the week prior and now didn't have clean workout shorts to wear, there was a problem of too little clothes for me to wear. Very similar to his problem of too little food to eat. The solution is not to wear her lularoe workout pants and tell her she''s cute when she gets mad at me for wearing them.

I wash my own clothes now.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yes I'm working out. I'm not sitting around accumulating mass. Most people seem to think I'm mad about the food. I don't care about that. Just like you said you do for yourself, I cook more or eat what is in the fridge. If she doesn't tell me what it is for then how will I know? I'm not going to go run to her and ask if she has something planned for every little thing.

The anger comes from being told what to do. From her hearing me do something then running in then dictate what my behavior is now going to be.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Well, then pat her on the head and tell her "that's cute when you are bossy."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah. That is what I should have done.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hahaha. All these flavors...

[–]WesternhagenWinner1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I remember how mad I was as a kid when mom didn't make me enough food, or packed me a really lame lunch (a cheese sandwich? really? where's the damn meat?).

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I'm 6'0 and 175-180lbs.

I guess your wife didn't catch those telepathic messages your stomach was sending her about how hungry you were, so she knows how much to make huh?

Lol. I tell her all the time to cook more. I don't eat breakfast and usually just eat lunch and dinner. Sometimes a protien shake before working out. I keep lose track of my macros and know how much protien I've eaten that day and if I still need some. Why I cook eggs usually if I'm still hungry.

"You'll cook tomorrow too, again based on a hunger level I don't tell you about but I covertly expect you to make the appropriate amount of food."

She makes empty threats alot, including this one. No matter what I do she always carries on like normal the next day. Why I got frustrated and said "You'll cook tomorrow too" because she will.

But it sounds like you do often enough that it's a problem.

I don't know when she is trying to save something or not. If I'm not thinking about it and ask then I'll eat a normal amount to hear about how that was supposed to be for tomorrow too. Which doesn't make sense to me. I've told her time and time again to cook more since this is such a problem.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

So what have you proactively done other than complain like /u/westernhagen did when his mom made him a cheese sandwhich, or I did in my teens when my mom didn't buy enough orange juice? Your post is about you getting mad when she gives you 'commands'...if she's giving the commands, deciding whats for dinner, and how much there is; and you're complaining...who's the captain here?

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (3 children) | Copy

If she's giving the commands.

She likes to give a lot of them but they rarely get followed if it wasn't something I was already doing or planning to do. My current way of dealing with it is to do what I was going to do but let her know "I'm not doing what ever it is you are demanding" which I realize isn't good. I think I'll be on a better path by dropping the second part. The not caring is the hard part. Right now I think I need the other person to know they aren't controlling my action, even though they are by them influencing my mood.

deciding whats for dinner, and how much there is

She asks or I tell her what to pick up every week. Including how much I plan to eat to hit my macros. I don't know how to be clearer.

and you're complaining

I guess? Other than repeating myself over and over, what do you suggest?

[–]mrssmithhh0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

My husband often eats more than what I had planned, but eventually I figured out that he likes to comfort eat at night and that he would either order a pizza or go get some other terrible food if I didn't have anything ready for him.

Do y'all have other issues? Sounds like both of you feel unappreciated, taken for granted, and stuck in a power struggle and neither is being listened to or heard.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Besides some sexual issues we don't have any real issues that stand out right now. She has a tendency to be critical/controlling/disrespectful at times and this was an extension of that I believe. The sexual ones are explained by my behavior and some of her background. Its being worked on. I have a strange mix of Alpha/Beta that has been inconstant over the past 10 years. Lots of dysfunctional family stuff and what I learned form society that didn't turn out to be true.

Sounds like both of you feel unappreciated, taken for granted,

That is most likely true. I'm sure I'm still in anger mode as I continue to read and go through therapy. I assume she feels something like this even though I don't do thing intentionally to make her feel that way.

stuck in a power struggle and neither is being listened to or heard.

She has a ton of family around and most are female. Her father and brother are talked about like they are bad people, and to some extent its true. I think somewhere along the way she started to believe she has to take control where she can. My family was controlled by my grandmother and some extent my mother. Even though I rebelled against it growing up I have stuff stuck in my head about how things "should be" and I'm sure I over compensate. Work in progress.

[–]mrssmithhh0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I hope things get better for you! It's really hard to have so much tension in intimate relationships, and it takes a big toll on people. I really wish you the best of luck.

[–]CaptainJackSorrow19 points20 points  (2 children) | Copy

Isn't the move here to just STFU and cook for yourself? You're paying too much attention to what you consider shitty behavior. Be the Captain and take care of your own needs with the unspoken implication being that if she can't handle it you (or someone else) will.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Isn't the move here to just STFU and cook for yourself?

I mean yeah I guess and I would. She throws empty threats around a lot. There is absolutely no way that she isn't going to cook again the next day. She is just saying something to say something. Why I got frustrated and said "Yes you will." Because she never follows through with anything that is a threat.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy

There's so much stupid shit happening in this scenario. You sound like Jesco White mixed with Cartman. You are responsible for your own hunger bro. Why are you in a situation so often where there isn't enough food, to the point you get angry? Ever thought about buying more groceries and asking her to cook more food? I don't get it. Seems like my mom, where she only makes a little so my Dad won't keep getting fatter. You sure you're not fat? Skinnyfat​?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I know it isn't great behavior, part of why I'm on here.

Why are you in a situation so often where there isn't enough food, to the point you get angry?

I'm not angry about food. I get angry when she tries to control my behavior, in this case it is me going back to see what is left. I didn't know she was planning on using everything for tomorrows dinner and she starts jumping on me.

Ever thought about buying more groceries and asking her to cook more food?

I do both. She often tries to limit how much meat she cooks for reasons that change often. She had a somewhat bullshit hippie upbringing.

You sure you're not fat? Skinnyfat​?

I'm 6'0 and 175-180 lbs. Not skinny fat. I was somewhat regular fat after some hip surgery a little over a year ago. I'm back down to my normal weight. Her and her mother have recently started telling me to I need to put on more weight as I'm starting to look too skinny, which I don't believe. I keep loose track of my macros and know how much protien I've had a day. Why I will usually cook eggs at the end of the day if I'm still hungry and need a bit more protien.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I get angry when she tries to control my behavior

Ignore it, if she gets in your face, smile and ignore it.

I didn't know she was planning on using everything for tomorrows dinner and she starts jumping on me.

Reason doesn't matter. It's not something you tolerate. You are intolerant of it by completely dismissing it, because it's a total joke to you. Just leave the house and go do something fun, say nothing.

[–]IBeMadToo7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

"You're like my dad..."

"I know I'm your daddy wink"

Wtf is wrong with you man. Chill out a bit you sound angry af.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You know, I heard that in my head but the anger over rode it. She also absolutely hates when I make daddy innuendo. It has started fights.

[–]beta_no_mo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's because you're not worth the playful version of that label to her yet, both in and out of the bedroom.

Be a man worth fucking, fuck her right when you do and the daddy issues will become part of the fun instead of the problem.

[–]IBeMadToo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I know the feeling, but you just have to over ride the anger.

[–]2ndalRed Beret7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Oh yes mother, I'll be sure not to touch it.

This is an easy response that feels like A&A, but I would avoid anything that makes her think of you as her son who can't help himself and that she hast to take care of, which is exactly how she thinks of you. You're playing right into it.

Also if that exchange with your wife is real, you sound like a fucking asshole--and not the good kind. You have a mom that you get to boss around, do your bidding, and then expect her to want to fuck her helpless, bossy kid.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Oh the exchange is real. I do turn into a huge asshole when being told what to do. Something I'm working on.

Wife: No I won't. You can cook for yourself then.

Me: No, you'll cook. (Then I left the kitchen and took a shower.)

If you are referring to this about me being bossy then I understand the confusion. It wasn't me being bossy as much as it was me calling her on an empty threat. She says shit all the time with no intention of doing anything. I was frustrated and called her on it.

[–]JudgeDoom695 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

Mommy didn't cook you enough food, so you got butthurt?

You know it's a hot button for her and her Family of Origin issues, so be a man, steer clear of the leftovers to begin with, cook your eggs, and enjoy them.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Its not about food. It was just the recent example. The butthurt comes from being told what I'm going to do. I can deal with some criticism decently at times but dealing with commands is what fucking infuriates me. WISNIFG talks about what to do when someone is criticizing things about you and it makes sense. Thats all about dealing with what people think you "should do" right? The current struggle is understanding how to deal with the command. I know I shouldn't get that angry but I currently do. Seeing how to respond to it will hopefully make it click in my mind.

So when the first command comes in what would you do? Ignore it? Agree?

[–]JudgeDoom691 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Commands from your wife are a form of Shit Test called a "compliance test". "Don't eat that! Get me a drink! Hold my purse!" The content of the command is irrelevant, she is testing to see if she is still the dominant person in the relationship and if you will continue to submit to her. As long as she has the upper hand and can control your mood, her vagina will remain quite dry and dusty.

The key is to always hold your Frame and stop getting sucked into hers. Read the remaining sidebar books. Early on, your best response is to STFU and go about your business as though it doesn't affect you. As you progress you'll learn to treat her like the spoiled little girl she is, and not let her shit tests alter your good mood.

When you start showing your confidence and get out from under her thumb, the space between her legs will become moist again like it was when you first started dating.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks. I know frame and controlling my mood are two weak areas right now. I'm working my way through the side bar. Just finished WISNIFG yesterday and need to pick up another one today.

Commands from your wife are a form of Shit Test called a "compliance test".

Well shit. I haven't viewed that as a shit test till you just pointed it out. This makes me curious about something now. Are things like her asking me to stop by the store on the way home because she forgot something a form of shit test or a legitimate request?

Early on, your best response is to STFU and go about your business as though it doesn't affect you.

I absolutely fuck this up right now.

[–]JudgeDoom693 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Are things like her asking me to stop by the store on the way home because she forgot something a form of shit test or a legitimate request?

Don't go all Red Pill Rambo and refuse to do anything she asks. Stopping by the store on the way home is something every husband does. You need to be a good partner and help each other out.

What makes it a shit test is her tone. If she's talking to you like you're her child, that is a compliance test, and if you fail it she's your mommy, and mommy is not turned on by you.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

She's backseat driving your life:

"Don't hit that car!"

"No fucking shit. Of course I'm not going to hit the car."

"Yeah, because I told you!"

Just AA it. You started to, but then got butt hurt when she stormed into the kitchen. Just keep AAing.

[–]Aerik6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

fuck off I'll do what ever I feel.

christ. TRP is for fucking manbabies who do not deserve relationships. this is not how a healthy person approaches a relationship. This is how a 12yo has a temper tantrum.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Captain: Don't you ever talk that way to me. NEVER! NEVER! What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.

This isn't a failure of your wife, it's a failure of your leadership. She's not cooking enough? I bet money you've failed to deliver clear expectations. "I need this much to eat now, and this much to eat after, you need this much now,..."

The best way to do that? Start off by demonstrating. "Ok, here's the containers that need to be filled, plus my plate by this much" or some variant thereof.

As a manager, if my people fail to deliver what my expectations were, generally I failed at describing those expectations! So I teach, train and ensure that my reports have all the tools necessary to get the job done. If I've made my goals and intentions abundantly clear, and said reports are still failing to deliver, well it's time to remove that responsibility and discipline said party. In the case of my wife, the question always comes back to, "is she adding more value than she consumes?"

So let go of your ego and ask yourself, does she have all the info she needs? Does she add value doing this or would she add more value doing something else? Would I be better off doing this myself?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

The same path we followed in the forces:

Explain, Demonstrate, let them do it and fail, remediation, leave them to it. I remember they had a catchy phrase for it, but I can't remember anymore.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It's called "Alzheimer's"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Keep prodding bro. Eventually it might work.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I see people talk about different types of captains and quoting things but I don't know where that comes from. I'd like to read it if there is something to read. I have a feeling it might just be some analogy everyone just uses though with no source.

Everyone seems to keep focusing in on the food aspect. It was just the example. What I asked about was how to deal with demands and commands. I'll still answer your questions though.

Does she have all the info she needs?

I keep track of macros and know how much protien/fat I need. I eat about the same for lunch and have told her repeatedly how much I'm going to eat for dinner. I only eat 2 meals a day with a shake added on days I work out.

I get pushback on this often as she thinks she knows more than anyone in the fitness community. I just cook more on my own when I need to usually.

Does she add value doing this or would she add more value doing something else?

She is really a great cook and enjoys doing it. Our division of labor is at a nice place.

Would I be better off doing this myself?

I'm not a great cook but I do it often enough. The way our schedules are it works out better that she continues to handle it. Only benefit is that I would cook more. I've done it in the past when she was resistant to certain meal plans like Whole30.

[–]thunderbeyond1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

There is a lot missing from this post. Where is all the anger coming from? You've skipped DGAF and sound pretty angry. Surely there's more going on than just arguments about leftovers.

Hell I want to tell my wife to fuck off a lot... but I have found that there are better ways to get her off my case. NGAF is chief among them. Implementing the WISNIFG methods take practise so keep trying.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (7 children) | Copy

Has nothing to do with the subject matter, I just honestly hate being told to do something. You can ask me all day long and I'll be pretty chill but the moment it sounds like a command I get pissed. Know the expression seeing red? I see red. It is better now than it used to be but when she has a certain tone in her voice and she is going on about what all I'm going to do because she said so I lose my cool. I'm sure it has to do with some insecurity some where and growing up with an overbearing and critical father but I'm trying not to blame anyone. Have text book narcissists and manipulators in my family too. I think now that I have some control over my life I over compensate and am very sensitive to being told or manipulated.

[–]thunderbeyond2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Sounds like you know what the trigger is then. I doubt she's going to ever stop barking commands or making shitty comments. That's outside of your control. But you losing your control when it happens is something you can change.

Other comments here have given you some good options when her "commanding voice" happens next. Time to start on those stategies, realise that you are still in control of yourself and whats happening. You'll get better each time.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

But you losing your control when it happens is something you can change.

Realize that you are still in control of yourself and whats happening.

Two solid things I need to remember.

[–]thewholefnshow5472 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Duuuuuuuuude! ... Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!!!!!

You need to direct that anger outwards. Not towards your family. I am a reformed angry guy myself. Are you taking supplements? I found that creatine made me super aggressive, so I quit taking it. Hard liquor too, almost guaranteed fight. Beer only, never do shots. Even eating excessive protein or a whey protein supplement would get me juiced up too. Maybe even you gym time is making you hyper aggressive. Try a bicycle and go on long distance rides. Something more peaceful.

You need to admit to being an angry guy, and try to change into a fun guy. It really is just a choice at the end of the day. You choose to be angry or you choose to have fun. You could have turned that scenario with your wife into banging her. You chose the path of anger.

Take care of what imbalance is going on with your anger, and become the fun guy. Trust me life is so much better and more fulfilling as the fun guy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I recognize I'm an angry guy. Working on changing that. I workout to deal with much of that anger right now. When I miss a day or two I can tell pretty easy.

When I'm challenged directly is when much of the anger spills out right now. Trying to change the anger is why I'm subjecting myself to a sub full of guys who are going to critic everything I say. Its not a bad thing, but it isn't easy right now either.

Right now I'd say I'm 30%anger, 70%fun. I've heard that from most my friends and some family. I'm happy and fun to be around most the time, but when something gets me angry its not good. It usually happens when someone says something shitty or I feel insulted. Not an excuse, just what I recognize about myself right now. I'm way too sensitive about certain things.

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks for the link. That helped.

[–]Tebulus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Damn that is extremely relevant and a great read. I mean jesus christ talk about some awesome truth. I understood and implemented the correct behavior without truly understanding the actual reason for it or the transaction in their brains.

This is the core premise of the Shitty Comfort Tests. If you draw a hard boundary and tell her to go fuck herself, she'll hate you for that, since clearly your aggressive response means you think her emotions are so out of line that she shouldn't have them. Does my husband even give a shit about me? Or does he just use my hysterics as an excuse to shut down however I feel about things as quickly as possible?

OP, I would also recommend the recent post on diagnostic anger for yourself:

[–]mrpCamper1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wife: Don't you dare eat any more, its for tomorrow's dinner! Me: (I laugh) Oh yes mother, I'll be sure not to touch it. (As I see how much there actually is before I cook some eggs.) Wife: (She storms into the kitchen.) Your just like my dad and you always do this. You eat too much then I have to eat less the next day.

A better response would have been. Well, I was going to make a cake but with that attitude you can't have any. Then stick your tongue out at her.

See, as long as you are perturbed by her attitude towards you, you are perceived as weak. Doesn't matter how righteous you feel because you just hate taking orders. Fuck that. Don't be a pussy. Be a man.

[–]anythingincRed Beret1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

  • Raised by narcissists
  • Raised by borderlines
  • Childhood trauma
  • Online gaming escapism
  • Depression/anhedonia
  • Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD
  • Cut drinking in half and it still "may be too much"
  • Anger
  • Therapist, but female and haven't been in a couple months

Redneck Riviera, beekeeping, woodworking...that's some good stuff though.

You sound a lot like a friend of mine. He is fragile, made of glass, he can stand up, pose, and looks fine on a shelf, but tap him just a little anywhere and he shatters. He has so much internal shit he is dealing with and coping with that any disruption behind the curtain can send him into a spiral. His solution is to not let anything behind the curtain. Apparently it is a shitty way to live because he is miserable. If I could deal with all his shit for him I would, because his childhood didn't prepare him for it and his mentality can't cope.

If you have depression/BPD then, like my friend, what we are saying might not help much right now, you have a disease, and you need to learn to manage and mitigate. MRP has helped a lot of men's mental health, but it is negligent to say MRP can help all men all the time with their traumas and mental health. Some people need good therapy, some people need medication.

You sound like you have the necessary awareness and introspection to be able to confront your traumas and deal with them.

MRP is a lot like BPD therapy: nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can help people with BPD identify and change core beliefs and/or behaviors that underlie inaccurate perceptions of themselves and others and problems interacting with others. CBT may help reduce a range of mood and anxiety symptoms and reduce the number of suicidal or self-harming behaviors.

  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): This type of therapy utilizes the concept of mindfulness, or being aware of and attentive to the current situation and moods. DBT also teaches skills to control intense emotions, reduce self-destructive behaviors, and improve relationships. DBT differs from CBT in that it integrates traditional CBT elements with mindfulness, acceptance, and techniques to improve a person’s ability to tolerate stress and control his or her emotions. DBT recognizes the dialectical tension between the need for acceptance and the need for change.

  • Schema-Focused Therapy: This type of therapy combines elements of CBT with other forms of psychotherapy that focus on reframing schemas, or the ways people view themselves. This approach is based on the idea that BPD stems from a dysfunctional self-image—possibly brought on by negative childhood experiences—that affects how people react to their environment, interact with others, and cope with problems or stress.

There is a lot of crossover there. The point of all of it is YOU coming to terms with YOURSELF and learning how to manage yourself and your life and relationships.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I figured someone might dig through my history but I didn't expect bullet points. It is interesting and a little depressing to see it listed so neatly.

Right now I've been doing CBT. I've heard of DBT but haven't done much research. I may now though. I came across RP a little over a month ago. Since I started reading I've gained quite a bit of stability, atleast for now. Usually I have some fuck up every 10-14 days. Sometimes even less but I've been incredibly stable, for me, these past 5-6 weeks. Yes I'm still fucking up as far as RP goes but the understanding RP and the information I've read so far gives you has been mind altering. My anxiety has improved greatly. Even mood has improved overall. Who knows about the long term effects but it is much better than what I've experienced in the past.

BPD is an absolute bitch to deal with. Much of the advice is STFU and DGAF which is literally the opposite of what BPD does to you, but I'm still hopeful. My therapist has commented on how "well" I compartmentalize and keep most of it hidden and can deal/fake much of the time with no issue. Its not a great way to cope but it was what allowed me to keep going. As I'm sure you guessed the "being told what to do" stuff cracks that mask and much of the anger and internal shit gets loose.

I have many bad habits that are changing. Some of those are being replaced by good ones such as fishing, golfing, beekeeping, woodworking like you saw.

You are obviously familiar with my personality type and understand much of what goes along with it. I'm not looking for feelz or validation but it was nice to hear from someone who understands that side of things.

[–]anythingincRed Beret0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

http://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html

This website gets posted sometimes to call attention to a guy's troubled wife and how he is broken too, enmeshment, codependency etc...

I'm wondering if you would mind skimming this one about "borderline men":

http://www.sharischreiber.com/casanova.html

And letting us know if anything sounds familiar? Keeping in mind it was probably written to help women deal with someone toxic, versus the writer's usual work of helping men deal with toxic women. She would probably say something like "you learned various mechanisms for survival and getting your needs met during your childhood that are dysfunctional and serve no purpose in a healthy lifestyle or healthy relationship between two healthy self-actualized adults."

I compartmentalize and keep most of it hidden and can deal/fake much of the time... stuff cracks that mask and much of the anger and internal shit gets loose.

You do recognize that being "healthy" isn't just compartmentalizing and masking, right? Ideally it involves dealing with your inner issues and learning how to move on with your life in a healthy manner. My gf was raped and so she used to dissociate during sex to cope, obviously this isn't ideal, and once she actually processed her traumas she was able to participate and enjoy sex again.

EDIT: http://www.sharischreiber.com/BPDclient.html This one might be better. More analytical. Less centered on the partner's healing.

Incidentally: "Borderlines are not "bad people." Their lifelong struggle with fear and anguish made it necessary to develop self-protective defenses, much like a tough outer shell that helped them avert further harm to themselves. It's these defenses that prompt disruptive acting-out episodes and distancing behaviors in even potentially close relationships." Called it.

[–]anythingincRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Narcissistic and borderline disordered individuals often have significant ambivalence about getting truly well, as it represents a crisis of identity, and their resistance is palpable to the trained clinician. A dysfunctional identity feels familiar to the NPD/BPD client, and it's far more comfortable to retain, than exploring a healthy and wholesome new one.

This is my friend to a "T." Maybe for you, the potentially transformative nature of "swallowing the pill" will allow you to be able to accept and navigate the crisis of shifting from "dysfunctional" to "healthy" within the meta-shift from "blue pill" to "red pill."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I read the Borderline Men article. I'm biased of course and feel a little defensive but I'm doing my best to be objective. I started off writing a long response to it but I deleted it. Nothing good would have come from it. She seemed personally invested as she dated someone with BPD and was bitter over it. She made some good points and observations. On the other hand, it was a bit insulting overall and over generalized many things.

[–]anythingincRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I started off writing a long response to it but I deleted it.

That's part of how I knew I was getting better, I was deleting more bullshit than I felt like hitting "send" on. Maybe someday I won't even have anything to say anymore, I'll just be happily living my life. Cheers man.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

MRP is a lot like BPD therapy

I never thought of it like that. BPD therapy for men. Interesting.

[–]anythingincRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Everything in bold is right off the NIMH page and is equivalent to something within MRP. I didn't realize there was that much overlap with traditional therapies until today.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'll eat everything that is left over if I feel like it and you will cook more again tomorrow. Do not fucking tell me what I am allowed to do.

This can be said with a smile and there is nothing wrong with asserting yourself like this. Next time act like she is a 9 year old bratty girl giving your orders and it will put your head on straighter.

You wouldn't tell a 9 year old cute little girl "Do not fucking tell me..."

You would patiently explain that you will do whatever you want because you are the adult and she is the child. Replace man with "adult" and woman with "child" and you will get it about right.

This is actually a big time tingle generating event IF you can keep total control and maintain amused mastery. The way you do it- butthurt little boy complaining about mommy- not so much.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. I watched a couple of your videos today actually. It's taking some time to let info sink in and stick. Someone mentioned it all being a big shit test today and that clicked a little. Also something you said about anytime they do something with a disrespectful tone as well. I've been focusing on the verbiage and not so much the tone.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

walk

have a place to be. Setup a place to be, just for this purpose. Fuck, go to the gym again, do stretches.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think this might be the first time that nearly all of the comments are on point. Nice work guys!



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