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Had the talk ... did I screw up?

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number123356
May 30, 2017
6 upvotes
askMRP

So I had "the talk" yesterday... and I am not sure if I handled this correctly.

I had a talk with my wife about my changes. I sticked to "I am improving myself." I tried to fog, but at some point she sayed: "Don't talk to me like some shrink". (I guess I asked to much questions while fogging) So I got derailed here.

She wanted an explanation whats going on. So I told her again: "I am improving myself and I want to become a better man". She told me that I am egocentric and I don't care for her. I accepted the egocentric part but explained (DEER) that I neglected myself for a long time and I have to catch up.

She inquired further so I told her that I got a plan. I want to relief her from stress by being more dependable (I was depressed about 1 1/2 Year and she was always there for me, and somewhat weaponizes it now when she is in distress).

I also told her, that it will take a while and I cannot make up for 5 years of bs in just 1 month and that I am going to change and i don't know if she likes it or not, but it will happen.

I somewhat explained her the captain / first officer dynamic - told her that we should be a team and stop working against each other, but did not mention any leadership roles. (Since its been just 4 weeks I am in no solid position to reclaim my position without attending the captains duties)

And guess what, she is into it (no surprises for you guys I guess).

I guess I somewhat hold frame but I gave in a bit. I know this is bad for dread, but I am at dread lvl 1 at this point. But I can clearly see her hamster working.

E.g. she said in the conversation: "I was there for you all the time and now you are going let me fall, I knew this would happen". I took it for a comfort test and told her that I am going to improve myself and I am not going to dump her. (This was maybe too much of comfort)

I thought about handle this with AA but at this point I wanted to comfort her, this could in hindsight be a mistake. She could throw this at me if things get hairy but then again IDGAF.

I am not really sure if I messed up or handled this well. What is your opinion on this?


Post Information
Title Had the talk ... did I screw up?
Author number123356
Upvotes 6
Comments 30
Date 30 May 2017 07:16 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206091
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6e5u8w/had_the_talk_did_i_screw_up/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
leadershipDEERdread gameframehamstercomfort test
Comments

[–]jacksarmy17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

Acta Non Verba

[–]lintheswithd15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy

Jesus Christ, you're a month in and need to chill the fuck out with the hyper-analysis. And you left out a very important detail..... who started this "talk"? On my first read I assumed it was the wife, now I'm thinking you were feeling well-versed in some MRPanese and wanted to tell Mommy how you're a big boy now. If that's the case, then you're a dumbass cuz you clearly puked some nonsense and if she didn't know something was up before she sure does now.

Let's assume I'm right. You didn't get a Comfort Test cuz there's no way she's afraid of you leaving her behind. She poked your frame to see if you're still the soft-bellied Beta she knows... and you crumbled like a house of cards.

STFU and get back to work.

[–]number123356[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

She talked. But this sounds about right.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

So you basically told her you are doing it all for her.

Great job!

[–]number123356[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I am an Idiot.

Thanks man!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

The key here is to always act like you are stupid and she is silly.

"Why are you going to the gym so much?"

"Because I like it"

"but wha wha wha"

"Huh? babe I have no idea what you're talking about, I like doing (X activity)"

[–]chachaChad6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Slow your roll, Rambo. You're 4 fucking weeks in. You've been beta a long time and this is a journey that takes awhile. You can't just read a little side bar and turn into a macho man. Your changes will cause her great discomfort, as well they should. Remember that there are times for slightly beta behavior as well. No women could stomach Alpha all the time.

I actually don't see this as a failure but as a mild success. You've got some new tools and you're trying them out. It sounds like it actually well pretty well. Now is good time to step back and honestly reexamine what worked and what didn't and what you should work on in the future. Whatever you "messed up" this time will improve the next time. You're in training. It's going to take some time.

I don't think your comfort at the end was a mistake. She asked for comfort and it sounds like you gave her some and showed her that you're not going to buckle if she tests you.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children) | Copy

Ugh. So it for her..

[–]number123356[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Well I want her to be Part of my Life yes. I choose her as my partner for good reason.

Doing it for her. No, she would be fine if I would be the fat accommodating beta pussy worshipper that I was.

Is there a place reserved for her at the ride: Yes. Will it kept open indefinitely and unconditionally? No.

Might not be hardcore red pill. Might also make my mission harder.

[–]drty_prRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Might not be hardcore red pill. Might also make my mission harder.

WTF does that mean? Red Pill is not a scale where one end is weak ass pussy and the other is hardcore Red Pill.

What do you want out of life? Use the tools of the sidebar to help you obtain it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ill put it this way then.

Why did you do all that? What was your goal, intent, expectations?

Did you get closer, further, achieve them?

You should already know if you achieved it, because you knew what you were aiming for.

What youre doing is asking for an attaboy.

So ill say no, you failed. Question is, what, and how?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Bro, if you lead & consistently reconfirm that this is real she'll be onboard.

She wants a masculine man who leads unapologetically.

Side note, you need to get out of your head when talking to her. It isn't that big of a deal, have the discussions & start defaulting to masculine habits & tendencies.

Be authentic with your message and this will go smooth.

Try to be macho leader boss captain man and it will implode, she'll fight you every step of the way.

Masculinity is a part of who you are, it's not something you do.

So be your masculine self and work with your wife. This isn't You vs Her.

[–]number123356[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Sometimes this sub sounds like waging a full fledged war with your wife over dominance and power...

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

There is no war to be waged with anyone except your self.

This is you vs you, when you choose to enter your frame & live a life where everyone wins, it will be so.

[–]AustralianArm3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

Suggested Correction: Sounds like you're at Dread Level 0.

It also sounds like you talk too much. STFU is gonna be a good challenge for you.

[–]number123356[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yeah, the STFU part needs working.

She got me with: "You are so emotional distant. You just say hmm and ok but you don't talk to me"

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Who says you have to "talk"? Don't enter her frame. It is completely fine that she (says she) wants things from you that you don't do.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Brother, STFU does not mean to become a mute, which you are clearly trying to become.

STFU means knowing when to shut up in order not to DEER, not taking the bait when she wants to draw you into an argument or discussion.

STFU does not mean you are turning into Jason Statham that pulls pussy with a mere grunt and a sideways snarl. You still have to talk and communicate like a normal person, but you will be doing it from a position of power, shaping the conversation and not just reacting to demands and interrogations. The art is in knowing when to talk and when to listen, and when to walk away.

[–]AustralianArm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Can I ask, are you on the spectrum?

[–]number123356[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Tbh: I don't know. But midly at most. I guess I am just clumsy in social situation and need to learn more how to deal with them. I was more kind of a loner.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

The lengthy comment by /u/jacktenofhearts on "Advanced Fogging" might help in engaging emotionally and addressing her insecurities without DEERing.

She inquired further so I told her that I got a plan.

/u/jacktenofhearts' comments on articulating your vision might also be useful; he suggests that

I do think women are more likely to buy into a "vision-based" blueprint than a "plan-based" blueprint anyway.

That said, these are advanced tools for when she needs comfort or guidance regarding changes; otherwise STFU about your RP journey.

[–]number123356[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the links, they are most usefull

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Best way to handle this is to say nothing. Inevitably, wife will ask you "so all these things you're doing. Going to the gym. Eating better. Drinking less. Working smarter, dressing better. What gives? What's going on with you?"

Here's what you say:

"Just doing some different things."

She'll say "why are you doing that stuff?"

"Because I want to."

"But why? I mean, is something going on with you? What are you doing? Why are you doing all this stuff? Why are you gone more?"

"doing some things differently now. Because I want to."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Don't know. I'll let you know."

"I guess I just don't get what's going on with you. This just isn't like you."

"I told you: Just doing things differently now because I want to."

Broken record. Fog.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Well, a blowjob would be real helpful right about now."

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I took it for a comfort test and told her

My only comment is that this is words. A comforting hug, kiss would have been enough. She was asking for reassurance on the relationship. Your beta past is full of words this is where action was required.

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Less asking, more lifting.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hello.

Where in the sidebar does it say to get flame thrower type of device to dry up the pussy with vomiting shit ? Huh ?

Don't. Talk. Do.

Are you lifting, increasing your loads until plateaued then deloading to gain ? No. ? Stop running the mouth.

Turn off the verbal diahrea pussy drying talk. Do

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think you did fine. Girls want to have that sense of "us vs them" and talking about teamwork, how the two of you are special compared to all the other sexless fat fucks, that shit can bring you together and help you bond.

4 weeks into it? You should probably just be lifting, reading, and learning how to control your emotions. Keep working on fogging.

[–]thunderbeyond0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fuck, you are a braver man than I am. I have been asked a few times and just sorta spin some shit and do something else.

The reason I STFU about all of it is because I want to do this for me. She'll come around or not. She'll get the benefit of having a stronger and better groomed husband whether I told her why or not. I'm not expecting her to help me.

I'm trying to work out any positives for you in having done this. IMO you've made a rod for your own back. "Remember you promised me you would be a better husband? Why hasn't it happened???" And maybe the better version of you isnt the one she wants to get. Just more shit tests on their way...

Either way, work hard to be a man of your word.

[–]number123356[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Either I keep my promise and I will be a better man or none of this matters at all.

Its not brave - might just be stupid, as /u/Scruvemuch pointed out. I basicly told her, that I am doing it all for her.

Well I guess I do, or at least I did in the beginning, but I can see it more and more that I am doing this for me. Keeping my wife, who I deeply love, is merely a side effect. To be honest - I came here for the sex. But I can see how my life changes out of my pure will and this is fucking awesome!



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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