How to cope with feelings?

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May 23, 2017

Sometimes I get this 1000-yard-stare, thinking of nothing in particular. Feeling somewhat empty and a little bit sad.

My wife notice that and keeps asking whats going on. Most of the times I don't know myself.

I am going on a business trip and I know I am going to miss her, guess that's why I am down these days.

So when she asked I told her whats going on. That I gonna miss her and I wished I could spend more time with her. She was very affectionate and told me that I don't always have to act so manly.

So this is what bother me - she thinks of my new found attitude as an act and I guess she is right in part, but you got to start somewhere. On the other side there are feelings I can't hide from her.

I just don't know how I can turn this. By telling her I will miss her, she tries to comfort me and this makes me the weak part. I should comfort her and she should miss me. I am totally in her frame on this.

So how can I cope with this? I don't have a strategie for this

Post Information
Title How to cope with feelings?
Author number123356
Upvotes 6
Comments 24
Date 23 May 2017 07:07 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
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[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're projecting too much.

You gave her some comfort without her needing to comfort test you.

That's a good thing.

Women tend to have a flow of stream of consciousness spouting from their mouths. Men get into trouble because they take these word to mean something, so they try be serious/answer the questions/ fix the problems. Women don't need this. All the thoughts we have internally, they tend to verbalize. The internal thought housekeeping we all do tends to be verbalized in women.

Imagine if women could read every thought in our heads and thought they had to comment/fix/acknowledge each and every one. It would very quickly drive you insane.

Women speak, men think. You should never speak more than your wife, she should understand that just because you're quiet, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Just like when she's complaining about some insignificant aspect of her day, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong.

The simple fact that she told you you act manly most of the time tells me you're doing it right.

You need a little beta with the alpha in a LTR, every voyage on your ship should not be a tooth-clenching serious sufferfest. Having fun with your life is as alpha as it gets.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Having emotions is good; nobody loves or admires a robot. Strong men often have strong emotions. Charismatic leaders have and share their passion. Your mission to become a better man should not include attempting to eliminate your emotions; for the many codependent career betas here, uncovering, accepting, and openly expressing their own authentic emotions is a key part of developing frame.

The key issue is thus not having emotions, but how you respond to and express your emotions. You should always express your emotions like a man.

  • A Man expresses emotion with Outcome Independence (OI), and never for validation, sympathy, or forgiveness.

  • A Man subordinates his emotions to his honor, values, reason, goals, and mission.

  • A Man expresses his emotions only in accordance with his desires, values and mission.

Your emotions are a fact and a force of nature; they are. But they should require nothing of anyone else. They don't require comfort, for example, so receive any with OI. You will miss your wife and it's a fine thing as a human being to deeply love someone and to let them know that with no expectation of response (OI), but you have to go on a business trip, and a man does what he needs to do without fuss or hesitation regardless of what he feels.

When your wife sees that you express your authentic emotions with OI, requiring nor expecting nothing in return; when she sees that your actions and behavior are ruled by your mission over your emotions; and when she sees that you can master your emotions to further your mission, she will respect you more, not less, as a man for them.

Edit: Perhaps you are closer than you realize, OP.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

It is an act. You haven't truly internalized anything. Maybe work on that. need to mediate.

It won't be easy to learn because your mind is a mess but use your trip to figure it out.

There is nothing wrong with missing your girl. Nothing at all. If she is of value it makes sense. But you don't emote over it.

[–]joekinley2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Could it be that you suffer from depression?

[–]number123356[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah - background on this:

Been to therapies and got some meds. Got better, and I am off meds now. Took my life back, but MRP gave me a boost in getting my life back on track. WISNIFG states that depression is a form coping mechanism for frustration and I can see how this is true for me.

MRP really helps

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

The most important thing to realize here is that at its core there is no strategy to resilience. Some things suck. They're uncomfortable or hurt, and you just have to endure it. Stop looking for tricks to make it easy and instead focus on accepting and embracing the trials of your life.

That being said, stoicism does have some tricks to help with it. Negative visualizations, a focus on enjoying exercising your character when facing hardship, and ascetic practices to build resilience.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy

Poke fun. Anything treating this as real, makes it real.

And its not an act, any more than practicing a skill is acting.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

How am I ever going to invent time travel if I can't CONCENTRATE?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

The narratives are important to people. This is about building a frame. When she throws out questions like this, it's an attempt to put you into her reality.

In this case, her thinking that he is acting macho to impress her.

By answering you question legitimately, that becomes the default. It's an act, and you're doing it FOR HER. Doesn't matter if you agree with it or not. Agree, and you're a poser. Disagree? Still a poser, but you're embarassed to boot.

Instead, you Agree and Amplify, or Amused mastery. Swear you only killed 3 moose with your bear hands, or laugh, and say 'yeah, ok' and carry on.

Now, you are the one in the frame of your own narrative. Wee little girl is saying the darndest things, and it's amusing. She's so great isn't she?

Welcome to the world of EQ.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Agreed. And when she attempts psychoanalysis to feed her narrative, based on an interpretation of your attitude or body language or OP's 1000 mile stare, your frame better be rock solid. In my experience, emoting to her (especially the "Ima gonna miss youze") is the worst response. AM is the better choice.

Once in a while, though, it's possible to deliver a killer response with John Wayne level emotion that conveys that your thoughts sometimes reflect the seriousness with which you take your role of leading your family. There's nothing for you to worry about, Baby, I just have to concern myself with important matters.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Should be the exception. OP can worry about that when he's not being a bitch for a solid month

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Only one month? You have some kind of shortcut you want to share?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Arbitrary timeline.

As for any shortcut, I treated my life as dead from Day 1. At that point, I had work to do, and everything had to fight to stick around. The career made sure to remind me why I was leaving... The spouse? She got her shit together once the writing was on the wall. The city was on borrowed time to begin with, and the social circle was ammended accordingly.

I don't comment much on the Rambos here, other than to say they are still half assing it. If you aren't ready to burn the fucker to the ground, then you have no right to be a rambo, because it's a bluff.

Of course, the trick there is to keep your fucking whore mouth shut about it when you're working. Once you've checked out, theres really no need to give ultimatums, or bitchy emotional rants, teach her a lesson etc.

I don't see many in here willing to do what needs to be done to that level, so will stick with the long term plan... Keeps guys feeling like they aren't embracing the chaos of a phoenix strategy.

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I, for one, sincerely appreciate it.

At 50+ years old and 28 years into the marriage, the requisite 28 months of improvement seems like an eternity. But it gave me a long enough horizon that I could STFU, sidebar and lift for several months without the temptation to go Rambo. And I like my life and my wife, so I don't want to burn it all down, just surgically remove some weaknesses.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If it works, it works!

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well, as you so often point out, it IS a praxeology.

[–]AustralianArm1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

You're allowed to have feelings. You're human. It's not a weakness.

I think the bigger issue is that you're not being a man, just acting it. And she can tell.

[–]number123356[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Any advice on how to be a man? On how to get in the right mindset?

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Embrace the grind. Take comfort in discomfort.

It's taken me 20 years to figure it out, but I'm happiest when I'm doing something physically, mentally or emotionally draining.

There is something uniquely rewarding about putting yourself in that situation, going through that discomfort, seeing the finish line far off in the distance and getting it done, as a man. No hesitation. No whining. Just getting it done.

How to apply that to your situation? Put yourself in the mindset that you're happiest when you are at your weakest. That's where you really find out what you're made of. Do you buckle under the pressure or do you take that pressure and allow it to harden you into something better?

There's nothing wrong with having feelings and emotions. It's how you use them. Do you use them as a tool to strengthen your resolve when the shit gets truly hard and get shit done? Or do you use them as an excuse as to why it doesn't really need to get done right now?

[–]DanceMonkeeDanceRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good summary

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

See here.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You sound completely lost in every post you've made so far. You're looking for solutions as if they were band-aids. Treat the problem, not the symptom.

[–]number123356[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah, I guess I sound lost. I am posting much, to get things right. The readings from the sidebar are good, but I have to break up a lifetime of Betaness. The perspective from out sight is important to me. I guess I am seeking guidance.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


MRP is a set of tools to get you there. Not to tell you where there is. As you said in OYS, you need a MAP. The symptoms are feeling lost, 1000yard stare, and feeling distance from the wife.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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