Mother-in-law wants me to apologize to her husband.

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May 11, 2017

Well, I have been doing really well after swallowing trp and applying it to my marriage but every now and then I find myself in a situation where I need to turn to the community for some advice.

Pre-rp, my wife and I were considering divorce. She had spent a few weekends at her mom and stepdads house. One evening, she was texting me that she had been put in a severely awkward situation. Her parents (stepdad, not real dad) took my wife out to the bar and invited their neighbors from across the street. They were trying to set my wife up with their son.

Apparently he was a grungy type, unclean, weak... But she was texting me the entire evening about how stupid they were, that she was pissed... yada. Of course, you know I was pissed. I couldn't believe her parents were doing this... how shitty, how low. Then again, I was a scrub myself.

Shortly after, I stumbled across trp and began righting my ship. Just as you would expect, it was a bumpy ride as I had to learn to control my emotions, remain stoic, lift, and change a number of other beta behaviors. But it's a part of me now.

From that moment when I decided to change, I let go of the past. I was always talking to other women (nudes, tinder, texting, etc), I was mean, not funny, always complaining. I was ashamed of how little of a man I was. But letting go of the past also meant that I had to let go of the anger from this little incident with the in laws. Afterall, I don't believe my wife cheated anyway. She had called while her and her mom were fighting because my wife thinks it was shitty of her parents to do also. She couldnt wait to get home (or so she said, and then came back early the next day) Thankfully the guy wasn't Chad because who knows how that would have gone.

So, that was in January of 2016. Just recently, in March 2017, my wife threw a party for her mom's 50th birthday. Stepdad dropped the ball and was only planning a dinner for my mother in law and his daughter from another marriage... idiot...

But the party was awesome. We were all drinking, step dad in law had his buddies over. And then I sat down at the table only to come face to face with the woman and man from across the street... you know... the ones with the son? Ha, shit only went south from there.

She asked who I was, I told I'm married to Julie's daughter, she says "Ohh, I thought you guys were divorced?" At first I laughed and said no way. The woman was confused and began to ask a lot of questions. At which point, I turned to my wife's stepdad and gave him the business. Telling him how inappropriate this was, how shameful it was that he would try to hook my wife up with another man.

It escalated, he told me to leave (as I already was walking out the door because I didn't wanna lose it) But then him and his buddies followed me. Now I went off. He said I was stupid for getting upset, I told him he was stupid for marrying a gold digger, he got in my face, I told him "Back off old man, or I'll knock your fucking eye straight" (he has a severe lazy eye) and then that was it. I left, and btw, was by no means drunk. My wife had our 2nd car there because she came to the party early. So I knew I could just go. And I did. She left right after I did.

So now there's a bit of a rift within the family. My wife has my back and has repeatedly told her mom that her and her stepdad were the ones in the wrong. I can see how I overreacted, but I still do NOT feel like I should apologize. I hate the idea, especially when I feel that they should apologize to me, if anything, for being despicable parents and doing what they did

Look, I know I lost my cool, but I don't want this wedge within the family. I also do not feel sorry for one thing I said.

Tell me what y'all think.

TL;DR : In laws tried setting wife up with another man. A year later, stepdad in law invites all of us over, I lose my shit, told him off. Now mother in law demands an apology. Which I probably will not give but I just want to hear what the good fellas at MRP have to say about this.

My in laws make me feel like I'm living in the damn twilight zone... But I know where my center is.

Post Information
Title Mother-in-law wants me to apologize to her husband.
Author Spaw-1-4-5
Upvotes 10
Comments 49
Date 11 May 2017 03:27 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]red_blue_and_hot10 points11 points  (10 children) | Copy

So, in a nutshell, you want to tell them No to apologizing without feeling guilty?

Fortunately, there's a book right on the sidebar all about saying No without feeling guilty...

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs8 points9 points  (6 children) | Copy

You have a right to be pissed about the original bad conduct. But given that you had already decided to let it go, I'm struggling to see how you were justified in choosing to dredge it up out of nowhere on MILs 50th birthday party. I think an expression of regret to MIL over your timing might be appropriate to move on without sacrificing your principles

[–]anythingincRed Beret6 points7 points  (3 children) | Copy

for being despicable parents and doing what they did

They will always be looking out for her more than you, can't blame them. Get over it. Once your wife was living with them talking about divorce their concern for you and marital propriety was out the window.

Now mother in law demands an apology.

You don't lose anything by telling your MIL:

It is unfortunate that Step-Dad-in-Law and I made a scene at your birthday party. Some things were said in anger that shouldn't have been. That night should have been about you but the past got in the way, it won't happen again.

Done, you finally got to tell off step-dad, so that should be out of your system. And now that you've apologized (notice you didn't accept blame, but MIL, like anyone, is just upset the party wasn't a fun celebration of herself, and you did call your MIL a gold-digger) the next person to bring it up is the douche bag..don't let it be you. Hell, offer to take everyone out to dinner to celebrate without any drama this time. Shake the old man's hand, say the lazy eye comment was a low blow, call it a day.

[–]DeeMooreDeeMarriet2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Why? This lets the MIL off the hook for her part in all of this. Women need to be held accountable for their bullshit.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There's a time to hold everyone accountable. There's also a time to make peace for your family. There is blame to be had on all sides, but OP has an opportunity to be the Oak here. u/anythinginc's response is spot on.

[–]drty_prRed Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'd say if easing this situation is what you truly want, then talk to him like a man. 1 on 1. If he gets all bent again, fuck em.

Back off old man or I'll knock your fuckin eye straight.

That's hilarious

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol, ask her if she wants you to burp him as well.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

"Ohh, I thought you guys were divorced?" At first I laughed and said no way. The woman was confused and began to ask a lot of questions.

Why did you get all butthurt? If anything I would have made fun of the situation, the dude, the MIL, the stepdad, the neighbor. Things like:

"I didn't know adult men needed their mom to setup dates."

"You tried to set her up with Harry Potter's autistic cousin???"

"Yeah, we were separated for a bit, but after that date with your son she came running back. I guess it was one of those "scared straight" situations."

etc. I would laugh at the entire premise, like a king laughing at the clowns. You tried to bring in this fool to replace me? HA!

[–]bowhunter62 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This right here. So much fun could have been had with this guy's interactions at the party.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Tell him I said go fuck himself, oh and while you're at it fuck you too.

You're a fuck-farmer. Don't be.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're a fuck-farmer

Yes, Farmer, grow fewer fucks.

[–]JudgeDoom692 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Back off old man, or I'll knock your fucking eye straight

Priceless, awesome response. Disloyal bastard had it coming. Yeah you lost your frame, but you're human and you're a man, so own that shit. He might not like you, but he's going to respect you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

at least ur wife is on your side. my fil chews tobacco, and I tried telling him to stop. Her entire family did too, but he doesnt listen. One day he straight up did that shit in his car while driving us to the airport. I told him we wouldn't pay for any health issues that come up due to his habit (because I know if the bill comes, we're gonna be asked to help out). Later on my wife told me I was wrong to say that, and I should have left the issue alone. ya fuck that, I'm speaking out against what needs to be said. You did the same and owe no one an apology. He had the balls to set ur wife up with someone while she was still married, and that's his fault.

also, distance yourself from them and only communicate with them when necessary.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You got caught up in her family drama. Thats enterily your fault.

Your wife having your back or not about this makes no difference. If her stepfather was right or wrong about blah blah blah or person x said bleh bleh bleh makes no difference. You know hes a shitty person, and you dont need to be around a shitty person. You "next" him from your life. Dont go to his place again. When/if you talk to him, be completely "professional". Not butthurt, just deal with him like you would to an ex, no feelz involved. Dont let yourself get caught in family drama.

If her mother-in-law or some other person "demands" you to apologize to him for whatever, just say something like "I understand the way you feel, but I am not going to apologize". Thats it. Not "Im not going to apologize because he said blah blah blah and he did bleh bleh bleh". You dont want to, and you are not obligated to do something you dont want to, for your own reasons. You dont need to explain why to anyone.

[–]nightmancommeth1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Been here. In a sense this ended my first marriage. My MIL was never able to cut the umbilical cord since since she was a single mom. She was constantly hovering and constantly trying to point out my flaws etc. Thank Fuck i am out of that one. however i ddint have the skills or frame back then that i do know.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

You lost frame big time. I'm sure you're aware. You mess up bad. Like somebody's mentioned, read the book, but internalize it this time.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She comes with the baggage. It's up to you.

My wife tells me about how much hell menopause has been for the past 4 years. "Ya, I hear ya" She goes on, I state- "your fucking racist family has offended me 24 years and you bitching about hot flashes ?"

Get over it and the baggage or next her It ain't gonna change. Remember that Work on you, but br the bigger person. It's the only way

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

From the title "Mother-in-law wants me to apologize to her husband." my response would be "Ha ha ha. No." And that'd be it. You think I'm going to do something simply because you want me to? Not a chance babeh.

Look, I know I lost my cool, but I don't want this wedge within the family

What is with all you pussy ass men who are so quick to back down?

I was reading the Time article on Trump.

One senior White House official recently outlined the three rules of Trump for a group of reporters: When you’re right, you fight. Controversy elevates message. And never apologize.

Give 'em a choice. They can apologize to you or you guys can settle it in a boxing ring with gloves. The cool thing about this solution is you're emasculating him either physical or via him apologizing to you. And if neither of those happen, you can continue to bring up how he's a pussy.

Why throw the towel in on a fight you can win?? Makes no sense to me.

I also do not feel sorry for one thing I said.

I'm sorry you didn't say "If you're going to set my wife up with someone, at least make sure you're not setting them up with a total fucking loser. Don't you think she deserves better?" to the step dad in front of the neighbors.

Sidenote - 99% of the time I'd back down with strangers because 1) there's no upside, 2) there's an unpredictability factor. But with social hierarchy family stuff - meh.

[–]SexistFlyingPig1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The problem here is that you're letting your in-laws shitty behavior get to you.

Was their attempt to set their daughter up with another guy while she was married to you shitty behavior? Hell yeah it was. Should you be pissed about it? Yes and no. If you had been the manly man that you know you could be, then they wouldn't have tried to do that. They were looking out for their daughter, not for you. Can you blame them for this? Yes, it was shitty behavior, but you can take a step back and see why they did what they did.

That incident was more than a year ago. You need to process that anger to understand it and judging from your outburst, you haven't. So, fast forward to the incident. You're talking with the neighbors, and they misunderstanding comes up. If it were me in your shoes, I would have thought it was comical. Sure, I would have called out the step-dad-in-law-twice-removed-by-marriage (we'll call him Bob, 'cause it's shorter). I would have said, "So, Bob, exactly what were you thinking, trying to hook my wife up with your neighbor's son? Were you proud of what you did?" You don't have to call him a horrible human being. He knows it was shitty. He's not proud of it. He doesn't need to have you yell at him and get in his face about it. He's a bluepill motherfucker whose wife makes him do underhanded shitty weak things. You don't need to rub his nose in it. Point it out and let him apologize. Let him buy you another beer. Let him rise up to your level. Don't dig down to his.

So, in response to the MIL 'demanding' an apology, you can say, "I'll apologize for the outburst if you'll apologize for trying to break up my marriage and hook my wife up with some other guy. You know that what you did was wrong, and you're a bad mother for trying to do that to your daughter. Apologize to your daughter and apologize to me."

Then move on. If they reconcile, then you can have more family get togethers. If not, you can spend your time and energy on people who are worth it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

So divorce is considered, wife leaves for a few weekends, neighbors of her parents try to set their son up (cringe) and you get mad, and are still butthurt about it at the bday.

Wife's parents and wife's parents' neighbors have no loyalty to you, why the hell are they in the wrong here? It's just your turn with your wife, and by all accounts you were considering your turn up.

I would have laughed and teased the neighbor wife about her questions, taunted stepdad that he can't get rid of me that easy, and been done.

[–]maxofreddit0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Haven't had a chance to read all the comments yet, so sorry if already suggested.

But if you wanna "patch it up," do so with the step-dad. Take him out for a beer (if you and he can keep it together), and see if you can laugh about it.

If it was me, I'd start with something along the lines of, "Hey, I know you like to set me up with people, you got any connections with Angelina Jolie (or whoever HIS favorite star is=common ground)?" Once you two are laughing, then feel free to through out an apology about losing your temper at the party, that shit ain't cool, (you're not nec apologizing for what you felt, just your particular behavior in this instance). From the sounds, he's an alpha-type to get in your face, once he & you realize you're on the same team, it's all good.

When you see the MIL, just give her the "Hey beautiful!" If you're good with the step-dad, then she'll come around, and you and the step-dad can share a glance and an eye-roll when the MIL starts going off the handle.

The more you make it, "Yeah, that was stupid, but we're cool, right" through humor, the better. Then again, I default to humor.

[–]bob13bob0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

wait, you buried the lead. let me get this straight. 1) you at least emotionally cheated on your wife? 2) her mom tried to set her up with someone else, and you got mad. if 1) is true, you're a whiny bitch. you wronged your wife and got caught. Her mom looked out for her best interest and you're angry about it.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't think there's anything wrong with owning your actions. Makes you look like a bigger man. Express regret.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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