Background: Married 20 yrs. 2 sons age 16 and 12. Been a very nice guy Beta my whole life. Discovered MRP about 18 months ago, after lurking on DeadBedrooms first. Trying not to post much on MRP. Just trying to STFU, lift, sidebar, etc. But the last few months I’ve finally realized I can’t half ass this thing. I need to fully embrace MRP and apply dread in order to get the sex and life that I desire. I’ve been depressed and angry for too long.
Throughout this journey, my attitude toward my wife and marriage has changed. Pre-MRP, I really thought of divorce as a last resort if things got really bad. But now, I look at how I’m improving, how she doesn’t seem to give a crap about my improvement or her own appearance (she’s at least 30 pounds overweight) and I’m thinking maybe I am better off cutting the chord now. The thought of getting back into the game after 20 years of bad sex is intoxicating. I’d love to get back in the game, spin plates, use everything I’m learning here on MRP and enjoy the freedom! Cheating is a tempting option but I refuse to go down that path right now. Then I think about the reality of divorce – the financial cost and causing pain to my wife and kids (and other family as her dad is involved with my business) – and I start thinking maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I should just focus on improving my SMV first. I believe when we first married, my wife was an 8 and I was a 7. Now, I’m thinking we are both around a 7 for our age.
Here’s what I’ve been doing to improve myself since engaging in MRP: • Lifting 3-4 X / wk (usually 10 -30 minutes cardio followed by 60 minutes free weights and machines). Previously, I lifted 1 – 2 X / wk with lower intensity. • Eating better. Gave up soda completely about 6 months ago. Cutting back on sugar / carbs. No specific diet, but considering intermittent fasting and about to read up on leangains. I have a very athletic appearance, but need to lose about 15 pounds of spare tire. Biggest challenge is not eating at night after dinner. • Reading: Completed NMMNG, MMSLP and just started WISNIFG. I also read a lot of sidebar materials early on in my awakening, but need to go back and re-read some again like Pook and Rollo’s blogs. • Finances: I control all the finances, but my wife and I contribute about 50/50. My at home business brings in almost exactly the same amount my wife brings in from her full time job. We had major debt issues about 5 years ago (after my wife got laid off the same time I started my own business), but we’ve recovered to the point we have very little debt. Not where I want to be yet financially, but making lots of progress. • Staying in my own Frame: When I get rejected for sex now, I just STFU and go about my day or casually bring up a new topic as if I don’t care. But I still need to improve at other times. I occasionally get angry and frustrated with my kids or dealing with my work and she has to get on me to calm down.
So, my question for askMRP relates to what I should say to my wife immediately following sex when it does happen. While I’ve been improving, the frequency of sex has not happened yet. The sex itself isn’t bad, but getting her to do anything for me has felt almost impossible our entire marriage. I was such a fucking Beta when we were dating that I even agreed to her request that we stop having sex for the last six months of our engagement so the wedding night would be more special. Our sex life has been horrible ever since, allowing it to go 3 months to a year without sex several times in our marriage. I only recall her initiating 3 times – once to make each kid and once when I bought her a new car… and I can’t afford to keep buying her new cars.
But now that I’ve awakened to MRP, I know I still have to work on gaming my wife and not get butt hurt when she rejects me. But here’s my question. Next time she doesn’t reject me and we have sex. What do I say regarding our lack of sex in general and what I want in the future? Is this the time to really give her an ultimatum, or do I need to wait until I get to Dread Level 12 before that happens? Should I just enjoy the sex, STFU, and try to keep gaming her to make it happen more often? I’m tired of her telling me things will be different and we just need to make time for sex and then nothing changing.
Thanks for reading this far and I look forward to the constructive criticism.