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Just STFU or say something to wife next time we have sex?

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May 10, 2017
10 upvotes

Background: Married 20 yrs. 2 sons age 16 and 12. Been a very nice guy Beta my whole life. Discovered MRP about 18 months ago, after lurking on DeadBedrooms first. Trying not to post much on MRP. Just trying to STFU, lift, sidebar, etc. But the last few months I’ve finally realized I can’t half ass this thing. I need to fully embrace MRP and apply dread in order to get the sex and life that I desire. I’ve been depressed and angry for too long.

Throughout this journey, my attitude toward my wife and marriage has changed. Pre-MRP, I really thought of divorce as a last resort if things got really bad. But now, I look at how I’m improving, how she doesn’t seem to give a crap about my improvement or her own appearance (she’s at least 30 pounds overweight) and I’m thinking maybe I am better off cutting the chord now. The thought of getting back into the game after 20 years of bad sex is intoxicating. I’d love to get back in the game, spin plates, use everything I’m learning here on MRP and enjoy the freedom! Cheating is a tempting option but I refuse to go down that path right now. Then I think about the reality of divorce – the financial cost and causing pain to my wife and kids (and other family as her dad is involved with my business) – and I start thinking maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I should just focus on improving my SMV first. I believe when we first married, my wife was an 8 and I was a 7. Now, I’m thinking we are both around a 7 for our age.

Here’s what I’ve been doing to improve myself since engaging in MRP: • Lifting 3-4 X / wk (usually 10 -30 minutes cardio followed by 60 minutes free weights and machines). Previously, I lifted 1 – 2 X / wk with lower intensity. • Eating better. Gave up soda completely about 6 months ago. Cutting back on sugar / carbs. No specific diet, but considering intermittent fasting and about to read up on leangains. I have a very athletic appearance, but need to lose about 15 pounds of spare tire. Biggest challenge is not eating at night after dinner. • Reading: Completed NMMNG, MMSLP and just started WISNIFG. I also read a lot of sidebar materials early on in my awakening, but need to go back and re-read some again like Pook and Rollo’s blogs. • Finances: I control all the finances, but my wife and I contribute about 50/50. My at home business brings in almost exactly the same amount my wife brings in from her full time job. We had major debt issues about 5 years ago (after my wife got laid off the same time I started my own business), but we’ve recovered to the point we have very little debt. Not where I want to be yet financially, but making lots of progress. • Staying in my own Frame: When I get rejected for sex now, I just STFU and go about my day or casually bring up a new topic as if I don’t care. But I still need to improve at other times. I occasionally get angry and frustrated with my kids or dealing with my work and she has to get on me to calm down.

So, my question for askMRP relates to what I should say to my wife immediately following sex when it does happen. While I’ve been improving, the frequency of sex has not happened yet. The sex itself isn’t bad, but getting her to do anything for me has felt almost impossible our entire marriage. I was such a fucking Beta when we were dating that I even agreed to her request that we stop having sex for the last six months of our engagement so the wedding night would be more special. Our sex life has been horrible ever since, allowing it to go 3 months to a year without sex several times in our marriage. I only recall her initiating 3 times – once to make each kid and once when I bought her a new car… and I can’t afford to keep buying her new cars.

But now that I’ve awakened to MRP, I know I still have to work on gaming my wife and not get butt hurt when she rejects me. But here’s my question. Next time she doesn’t reject me and we have sex. What do I say regarding our lack of sex in general and what I want in the future? Is this the time to really give her an ultimatum, or do I need to wait until I get to Dread Level 12 before that happens? Should I just enjoy the sex, STFU, and try to keep gaming her to make it happen more often? I’m tired of her telling me things will be different and we just need to make time for sex and then nothing changing.

Thanks for reading this far and I look forward to the constructive criticism.


Post Information
Title Just STFU or say something to wife next time we have sex?
Author BtFDAZ
Upvotes 10
Comments 35
Date 10 May 2017 09:25 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206172
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6afqz7/just_stfu_or_say_something_to_wife_next_time_we/
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Comments

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Where has talking about it gotten you and the other people in /r/DeadBedrooms/ so far? Follow the 12 levels of Dread and quit looking for a shortcut that doesn't exist.

But if you must go all /r/DeadBedrooms/ and have The Talk, immediately after sex is the worst possible time to do so. Here she does what you want, and you punish her by complaining to her about it. That's called "negative reinforcement," and it's how you get less, not more, of that behavior.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you. Yeah, I guess I was trying to take a shortcut to avoid 12 levels of Dread. I've had these "talks" with the wife before and they got me nowhere! Progressing through all 12 levels of Dread just seems like such a daunting task. But I also understand it's one level at a time. I'll focus on getting through level 1 before getting ahead of myself.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If any of the 12,691 readers of MRP or the 48,164 readers of /r/DeadBedrooms/ knew of an easier way, don't you think the word would spread like wildfire and would quickly dominate the subreddit? These aren't secret societies! The 12 levels of Dread is the best we know today.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

Sounds like you're starting in a similar place to where I was. Take a look at my history if you care to.

What to say after sex? I'll tell you what not to say, "Thank you". Nothing more unattractive than that. Depending on how good the sex was I'll throw out a "that was awesome" or if she's complaining about being too rough a "you're welcome" when I know she was enjoying every second of it.

I'd work through the sidebar, the levels of dread, and get yourself physically and mentally to a place where you could pull other women if you want. Until that is a realistic possibility, you're neediness will come shining through no matter how hard you fake it. No use in resenting her for not being attracted to you if no one else is either. That's a tough pill to swallow but absolutely necessary.

Once you have those other options and you're genuinely OI, then either the dread works or it doesn't. Either way you get the sex life you want.

In the meanwhile if you're really that hung up about it, go get your dick wet elsewhere. You'll find out pretty fast that pussy is just pussy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I started looking at your history. Great stuff, but there are a lot of posts! I know you said read through the sidebar, but out of all the sidebar readings, or advice given to you, was there anything that stands out as the biggest life changer or something that resonated the most to keep you motivated to improve? I'm totally drinking the MRP KoolAid, but I have these moments where I lose faith in my ability to follow through with the changes I need to make.

[–]innominating2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You don't need motivation you need discipline. Motivation gets you started and you did that 18 months again. Discipline leads you to put in your best effort and keeps you going.

If you want an example of discipline working, I've been at this roughly 18 months. I lifted and continue to life seriously, utilized leangains and hover at 10%bf, read through the sidebar in 2 months, reread through the sidebar, implemented the stages of dread, and at level 8 my wife is giving me sex when I want it and it is the best sex I've had with her. About two weeks ago I told her I was cumming on her face, which I had never done to her, and she stuck her tongue out like a pro.

You've been at this 18 months and you're still fat and haven't read all the sidebar books. What the fuck do you expect you should get.

And, you're still trying to short cut the stages of dread.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I get up at 5:30am 3-4X a week to lift. I eat a very healthy high protein low carb diet with veggies in every meal. No, I haven't read everything listed on the sidebar but I've read a lot. I think that's pretty good discipline. But I get what you are saying. I need to do more. When it comes to lifting and diet, I need is a plan with rules and guidelines I can follow. I've been trying to do too much on my own memory, day by day, meal by meal, workout by workout. Since posting this, I have found what I believe to be a good 4-day a week workout plan and I'm currently reading up Intermittent Fasting and Lean Gains.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

What to say after sex?

Pillow talking

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nice!

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Honestly, I'm having trouble getting past your statement that she's 30 pound overweight (and married 20 years) and is still a 7.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How dare you say she's not a 7! She's beautiful, smart and sexy!! If you don't believe me, just ask all of her fat friends!!...let me think about this for a minute.... okay, you may be right... maybe more like a 5 these days... but now I have to reassess my own score...hmmm.

[–]RPJMRP3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

So all that to basically say, "Is it cool if I try to negotiate attraction after sex?"

To answer your question- No.

Just be attractive and if she won't fuck you then file for divorce. You aren't attractive yet.

Also- "look forward to your constructive criticism."

Go fuck yourself, faggot.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

So, basically STFU, improve myself, Dread and GFY... what I need to hear, thanks!

[–]RPJMRP6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

I never said STFU. I think that term is over used in explanations. The dread comes naturally when she wants to fuck you. I'd say improve yourself above all things. The dread levels are uber useful, but when your really look at them they are a natural progression.

Essentially, the dread guide is a nerd jerk off rulebook. "Here are the levels, follow them." That is not meant to devalue the dread guide. I've read it several times. The point being, everything revolves around improving yourself.

What should happen is as you improve yourself you naturally do those levels bc the oneitis for the wife fades and she begins to feel it. As a result, she starts using the power of pussy to reign you in...then you rise above even the all powerful pussy...now you've earned it.

She exits the contractual frame of pussy giving and gives it freely. You've earned it. Now you better keep up because she is going to want you bad. You're attractive again...

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

As a result, she starts using the power of pussy to reign you in...then you rise above even the all powerful pussy...now you've earned it.

She exits the contractual frame of pussy giving and gives it freely. You've earned it. Now you better keep up because she is going to want you bad. You're attractive again...

man, you fucking nailed it there. fucking lmao. apply pussy power, OMG not working, must apply more pussy power. poon tang spiral commences

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

I was such a fucking Beta when we were dating that I even agreed to her request that we stop having sex for the last six months of our engagement so the wedding night would be more special.

That is an old shit test. I have been in 2 weddings and have at least 4 other friends and family who have succumbed to this shit test. All 6 couples are divorced.

Next time she doesn’t reject me and we have sex. What do I say regarding our lack of sex in general and what I want in the future? Is this the time to really give her an ultimatum,

No it is NOT the time for an ultimatum. It may be the time to steer her girlish prattle into the we need to have more sex discussion. Collapse on her and whisper: "I really need to do that more. I am going to have to pencil you in every couple of days from now on." Stare in her eyes with deep contact and let her ramble on while you fog. Be prepared- there are two ways this can go. One direction is towards the marriage you want. The other is for a butthurt post sex rejection and you damn well better be able to handle it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That is an old shit test. Wow, I never thought of it that way. Damn, I wish I could go back in time and kick my own ass for accepting that BS.

Thanks for the rest of the advice. Seems consistent with all the other good advice I read here. I will forget about the ultimatum talk until I reach that level of dread.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

That is an old shit test. I have been in 2 weddings and have at least 4 other friends and family who have succumbed to this shit test.

honestly, I have never heard of such a thing. where in the fuck do you find dudes this stupid?

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I was stupid. Yep. I fell for that one.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

damn bro, that engaged sex was the bomb . . . so much tension to milk (not that I knew what I was doing at the time, just didn't fucking care).

i just can't imagine how that conversation goes?

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

brother, it's a time I barely remember any more. I can't even relate to that guy.

It's a white knight thing I think. YOu want to "honor" her ideals. but then you're down that slippery slope and you don't even realize it.

But those days are gone. Only forward.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

one of the things I have learned in TRP is that it is better to be a sociopath than a white knight

Only forward.

all that matters

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Guilty.... but I think mine was like two weeks or so.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I can tell you about an even stupider guy than that...

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

ugh, you too

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You're the only snowflake here

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You find them in divorce court.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I love a thick juicy rump steak. I don't eat it every day. Mostly over a weekend and then not even every weekend. I love it but it has no power over me. It can't make me do things in a certain way. It is just something I like. I fully control my relationship with rump steak.

Sex does not need to be 'discussed'. It is something that you do and it is not a big deal.

If she sees that it as a big deal to you, then she holds the power in the relationship because she is the gatekeeper to the pussy. If she starts noticing her pussy has no more power over you than a rump steak has, she has no power over you in the relationship.

My recommendation is keep lifting, improving and start up the grill, you are having steak tonight.

[–]SexistFlyingPig1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

"Now get up and go make me a sandwich."

So, I'm guessing that you have a bunch of feels tied up in sex. If you don't have it, you feel crappy. That's fine. Most guys experience this. But your wife doesn't want to hear about it. So don't talk to her about it.

Lift. Improve your wardrobe. Get a hobby that makes your time more valuable and gets you away from her, out of the house. She can't build up any desire for you because you're always around. She can't spend the day thinking about you and what you would do or say because you're always around.

Make yourself LESS available.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I get that. But I'm also already out of the house a lot already either at the gym, taking one of the kids to basketball practice and hanging out watching sports or playing poker with the guys. She also does the same to me. She works pretty much 9 - 5 and sometimes goes to dinner or a movie with her girlfriends... part of the reason I get butt hurt when she denies me sex is because the opportunities seem so rare. So, it's crushing when we have the perfect opportunity alone in the house with each other and she says she's too tired.

[–]bob13bob0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

huge red flags, i don't think she is salvageable. sorry, pretty sure you chose the wrong woman. she wanted to stop sex of 6 months before you even got married! That is crazy for a young woman. she initiating sex 3 times in 20 years, 0 if not for kids or cars! She might be asexual or closet gay.

If yyou guys not compatible, why waste any more of your short life with her.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You are the first person here with this take and I needed to hear that. Years ago, she did admit she never thinks about sex and even if I looked like Brad Pitt she wouldn't want to have sex... then when i said we should go to counseling or something about that, she denied that was the issue and that we just needed to make the time for sex, not when she is so tired (which is all time). That's why I threw out the idea maybe going through all this dread is a waste of time because we are heading for divorce either way. But my biggest fear is that I will be too much of a pussy by living the next 20 years like the last 20 years. But I also see now that going through dread, getting in the best physical shape of my life, getting my money, style, career, confidence, etc. in order will give me a much higher SMV when I am back on the market next time... or dread could somehow work on her and I get the sex I've been craving all this time.



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