Interesting journey, this RP stuff. Takes one places you never would expect. Fixes things in your life you never realised were at play.
So I went nuclear at Easter. Wife folded her cards, wants to be married to me. Along the way I had her read First Kill All the Marriage Counsellors, which repulsed her, but I did see some behavioral changes.
Last weekend she tested me with some disrespect, which I called her on immediately. She tells me she is reading a book. Later she tells me the book is called How to Disarm Your Narcissist. This week I learned that she has been to a counsellor. She had a session yesterday.
At first I am privately put off that she thinks I'm a narcissist. With her I AA it and blow it off. Internally, I decide that she might have a point. I do a couple online quizzes and my narcissistic score is average at best and usually low. Hmmm..
I decide that there still might be something to it, so in an effort to better myself, I dig deeper. I uncover a video called "A Codependent CANNOT Be A Narcissist. https://youtu.be/QUreWOILAvk
Guess what ? Narcissists don't search the Internet for information on narcissism. I'm not a Narcissist. In fact, I'm fucking co dependent.
Guess what #2 ? Narcissists like to label other people as narcissists !
I did not see this coming. My wife is a narcissist.
But the facts didn't make a lot of sense, so I dig deeper. And I find a video entitled "Covert Narcissism: The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vi6GT8TMm8
This describes my wife to a T. Very smart, extremely high achiever, super driven. Yells at home, everything is about her, always the victim. Facts are constantly mixed up, even when written on paper.
Her community thinks she is an angel. Absolutely loves big meetings and presentations because they give her an audience. Work, work, work, altruistic, always bubbly, always helping other people. Even works in the mental health field.
Now things start making sense. Now I understand our relationship, why she is hyper critical of me, super work focused, always busy, doesn't give much to the relationship.
It especially explains why my wife needs to discuss our relationship issues in detail with no less than about 6 of her friends. Narcissists need to convince the people around them that they are right.
Thankfully, all the RP stuff I have been doing has been disarming my co dependency ! I'm bettering myself, going out with friends, getting strong and fit, STFU, standing up for myself, AAing her crap, etc. I feel great.
The problem is that the better I feel and the more assertive I get in the relationship, the stronger the crap she throws my way. This explains a lot about how our relationship has changed in the last 8-12 months.
Digging deeper, I find a video entitled "When You Unmask a Covert Narcissist, RUN, But Quietly. https://youtu.be/3an9crV9feM
I think the video is spot on. In our 10 years together, I have never once "won" an argument with my wife, where I convinced her of something.
Then I come to some hard realizations.
There is no way that I will ever have a fulfilling relationship with this woman. There is no way I will ever mean as much to her as her work. There is no way I will ever be admired or complimented, because that would bring her down just a bit.
This isn't about me ! I'm a strong, handsome, intelligent, caring, hard working guy. <-- That is my self love speaking up for me. I have codependent ways, which I am gradually breaking free of. I deserve better than this.
I'm in shock. I did not see this coming, especially not the finality of it.
My codependency is probably keeping me hooked in the relationship. It is probably clouding my judgement. It is what keeps me invested in the relationship in spite of her being fat, mean, unattractive and unresponsive to my needs.
So now what ?
Is the video right that I should just pull the pin and quietly walk away ? Call her on it ? Tell some of her cohorts so that they aren't feeding her ? Try to get her help ?
What about our children ? How are they going to survive through all this ?