Since I swallowed the pill I have come a long way. Admittedly I have had a number of set backs, injury during lifting and allowing myself to backslide into not working out as I should is one of my major ones. Reading progressing slow, demanding work schedule, kids, and graduate school has me going at a snails pace for the moment.

I have Lost weight- down from 210 to 185, everyone notices - dozens of ppl at work ask "hey man, what are you doing? I need to try whatever it is you're doing." I don't eat like shit anymore -but i Need to build muscle as noted above.

Biggest accomplishment: It took me a long time to begin to understand how not to Rambo, utilize amused mastery, fogging, A&A, etc, and being able to distinguish shit tests (very tough for me at first). Now I'm at a point when I know well in advance they are coming. I'm like fucking Nostradamus with them now. Being called a jerk, asshole, etc. Used to get me so butthurt, and now I know where they are coming from- this has helped me tremendously! "You're right babe, biggest jerk you know!" (laughing on the inside) This has been a serious 180 in my life.

I've learned that when the shit tests start to ramp up, she's horny. Thats also been one of my biggest realizations since unplugging. It i one thing to read this on AskMRP but its another to live it and see it happening. Women are fucking unbelievable….

I don't even get butthurt over the lack of sex or lack of initiation anymore. This has been so liberating and a source of a subtle but true power shift in our marriage. (Fuck you beta self, frame is building!)

Lately it's been starfish a lot, and honestly I've been so exhausted to adjust the behavior. I went with the flow.

The level of pure selfishness I encounter this evening is unbelievable. i cant decide if it was calculated or if, hard to admit, women are this fucking fucked up and selfish.

Rewind two days ago, we were having sex and she couldn't get off, doesn't happen often, but when it does I know (post rep pill) that it's Bc I'm not fulfilling her subconscious alpha needs. I let her do her starfish bullshit (she uses a vibrator while i fuck her), she honestly tries as hard as she can and then gets so frustrated she isn't coming quickly. I know she doesn't know why she isn't cuming but I do. Is it spiteful of me to let it go down that way? Is it shitty of me to not take control- eh perhaps. i guys on some level i feel vindicated bc she only wants to put out boring ass starfish sex anyway. i think “get what you put in honey.”

Fast forward to this afternoon. I'm making jokes and teasing here multiple times Bc she "couldn't get there." She's laughing and we both keep making references to her "blue balls" or "blue bean." It's red pill shit all the way, and it's all clicking now. She then admits "I've been feeling this way for a week." Which is a win. She never talks about sex, ever, and she openly offered this unsolicited. Damn, red pill theory, keeps proving it self over and over. I know she wants it tonight- there's nothing that's going to stop it.

Late afternoon roles around- she starts shit testing, which know i know means she’s horny, and needs to get ready (mentally- her lizard brain is begging me to be her alpha) for a few hours from then. This time I don't STFU, or fog, or AA. I let a comment slip. She jumps on it. I let another small comment slip, keeping my cool, she explodes. We haven't had a fight in months, and she's full tilt, name calling, disrespect, bringing up her entire “list” from the last two months - all the ammo she has. You don't prioritize us, you only do things for yourself with work and school, you don't spend enough time around the family, blah blah. Me? I'm acting the fucking oak, waves crash, winds howling, I'm there, stoic, fucking iron. This would always in the past set me off. i’m calm and unfazed by her assaults. I begin to feel a sense of pride I've at least been able to get a grip on this part of the process. i take a peek down at my fitbit….heart rate, 68 bpm, I'm killing this shit.

This was a huge change for me. i was the guy that would punch holes in drywall before RP. now the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach at the man i used to be in those situations.

About two hours of whinny tantrum shit, I keep it in check so it doesn't escalate, and we get the kids to bed. Then I start in on the convo, all the techniques I've read and my knocking it out of the park. Sprinkle in a little beta….i’m testing the RP theory. Can i utilize red pill theory and turn this into fucking? before it would have been fight all night, she goes upstairs, crazy shit tests for days, until we finally reach a resolution. The behaviors that drove me to the red pill in the beginning.

More Blah blah blah whinny feelz bullshit, calling me idiot, asshole, etc. i see her attitude is slowly over the course of the convo starting to shift, i keep on, reading the room and as soon as i have a chance, “you know you're right I'm a giant idiot, biggest idiot you've ever met, yeah, you're right, i really know how to piss you off, but you know what else, i can come over there and take care of that “lady blue balls” for you. “Sounds like you’re still wanting to yell, i’ll give you something to yell about…”

She glares at me! In my mind- “haha, you want the D so bad and you cant even stop yourself…I can't believe I'm going to pull this off...she's going to fuck me. HOLY SHIT RED PILL WORKS!”

Moments later, we are in bed, its the makings of boring starfish as usual. She has four no go’s in a row, meaning she was right there and then it doesn't happen. She gets very frustrated and pissed off. “Goddamnit i can’t cum!” She's honestly trying to get there and she can't. Finally, after we start for the fifth time i tell her to use her other vibrator in her pussy she had been using the one on her clit the whole time.) In my mind i begin to think “will she be so brazen as to not return the favor afterwards?” I assist her, it works, and she cums.

Mine turn right? Nope.

"What are we going to do for me?" I asked

"I don't want to do anything." She says. Not joking. "It's rude you give me work to do after i finish." She says.

“Wow” I think- a fucking hour working to get her there, and her reaction to me is piss off? Damn thats next level Selfishness.

She lays there, i tell her to jack me off while she talks about a sexual fantasy of hers. What fantasy? i don't know because she will NEVER talk about sex. i figure this is the perfect time to press the issue.

Nope. lips are sealed, started telling me “i don't have any” (typical resonse) but this time i call her on her bullshit and say “you’re lying.”

“No i’m not.” she says,

i press- “yes you are.”

and she drops it, which means i’m right. i know she does, and she can’t go any further denying it or it turns real lie and deception, which she wont blatantly do because it will attack her internal image of self, and ooooh, that doesn't do any good for her feelz, waaaaaah cry me a river.

I hold frame, get up, "ok then."

She tried to start two conversations later- read: throwing minor shit, and i handle the shit tests easily. she watches a movie and i start writing this. after the movie she tries to initiate a conversation again.

“You’re rude” she says

“how am i rude?” i ask

“you just get up and walk away, you just quite.” she says

“yeah, i did.” i respond.

she has nothing.

i say, “you know, i think the issue is your vibrator. Every time you've had a ‘no go,’ it has been when you've been using that thing.”

“you don't know.” she repsonds.

“what do you mean? You’ve never had a non-orgasm when we just have sex and you don't use that thing.” i say

“You don't know.” she says again.

“what are you talking about?” i ask

“because i fake. i fake orgasms.” she says. (Que bomb dropping sound effect!)

Gut punch. Quick history, we have had talks about this throughout our relationship. and we talk about it every time we have sex. meaning i ask her, “did you have a good one?”

and she tells me, yes, or nawh, or “just ok” this time, etc.

so she has blatantly lied, blatantly, and she knows it! She immediately wants to shut it down. (uh oh, her feel kicking in again…having to take responsibility for being a liar maybe and she doesn't like it, so she wants to run out of the convo immediately.)

“when? when did you fake?” i ask

“i don’t know i don't keep a journal.” she responds

“well, tell me one time, if you know you've faked you know you can think of one time when you have, tell me that time.” i ask, cool, no tone, not upset, inside I'm pissed.

“i don’t know.” she says, meaning she does know but is refusing to say.

i’m done. i turn to my side of the bed and lay there starring into a pitch black room. gut punched. does she know? is she doing it on purpose? is this a shit test? I'm confused.

i don’t think she is testing me. Which would mean the selfishness is abhorrent, sex (and everything for that matter) is all about her all the time. I'm convinced she doesn't care, respect, or appreciate me. I feel myself backsliding into the anger phase again- i thought I was out of that phase- I'm not so sure now.

My goal:

Use it as fuel to get better in every area I'm lacking in my plan.

Critique and feedback, I'm all ears. Should I have handled things differently? Are there specific steps I should be taking now that I'm missing?

I feel completely betrayed. to the point i want to level the fuck up, dread the living shit out of her, and then, fuck her AND someone else…..take that you solipsistic hypergamous bitch.