What to do when she demands an explanation as you STFU

man_in_the_world · 2017-04-29T05:33:31+00:00

"STFU ... doesn't literally mean to close your mouth and not communicate. It means to say as little as you can."

Read that post by /u/BluepillProfessor and don't be autistic. Brief, informative (not DEERing) responses to your wife can be consistent with STFU and also convey your frame, expectations, boundaries, and narratives.

"No. I believe that we should each live within our own budget / earnings."
"That's what I believe, and it's not going to change. I won't discuss it further."
"I have decided to improve my productivity at work by eliminating interruptions such as texts and phone calls."
"This is a decision I've made for myself / my career, and it's not going to change. I won't discuss it further."

Broken record from there. But you must avoid DEERing, or getting sucked into a discussion about your views and beliefs. Just like her feelings, they are what they are, and you're not obligated to discuss them. But you may want to tell her what they are, so that she more quickly learns your boundaries and narratives and steps into your frame.

A_Rex · 2017-04-29T03:49:41+00:00

Remember - you owe her nothing.

You do not owe her money.

You do not owe her your time.

You do not owe her a fucking explanation.

So don't give her one.

Part of STFU is to ignore. This is easy at work. Just don't text her, call her, or anything. When you get home, bound into the house like nothing's wrong - because there is nothing wrong. Slap her ass and go about your business.

Stop feeling guilty for saying No. It's almost as though there's a sidebar book about that...

BobbyPeru · 2017-04-29T05:40:54+00:00

Give her brief answers and then STFU. You seem like you are trying to create mystery/dread. Not answering basic questions is not a good way to do this.

I'm working... she says, doing what? I say working

You did good here if you STFU. Try changing the subject too. Broken record technique could be fine also for a couple times.

atlhart · 2017-04-30T00:58:04+00:00

Mods need to give this guy a cool down. He's posting every 48-72 hours. Either a troll or needs time to focus on reading and implementing.

We need to stop spending time on this guy until he takes responsibility and initiative for himself. He's either a troll or he's looking to move from his wife as Alpha to an internet group as Alpha.

Either way, he's a fucking beta faggot that doesn't deserve your time.

Two days ago I told this guy to take 7 days to think for himself. Beta faggot that he is PM'ed me today asking for shit again. Can't even make it a week on his own.

Stop wasting time on this shithead.

Ben Franklin said of: "God helps those that help themselves"

This fucker doesn't want to help himself, stop wasting time on him.

[deleted] · 2017-04-29T14:05:56+00:00

So you changed your behavior dramatically and now her hamster is in overdrive? Shocker huh?

Look, your actions instill dread in her. That is why we ask you to do them. Dread makes a woman pay attention to you and think about how secure the relationship is. Since commitment is the currency men bring to a relationship and sex is the currency women bring, her feeling like you are withdrawing commitment in a very subtle manner will ideally result in her subtly increasing sexual interactions in the relationship. The problem is if you change your behaviors too dramatically she will melt down because it is too much of a change. It's not that the relationship is now imploding necessarily, but it's not uncommon at all when you read these forums to see guys that have not read all of the sidebar material (you did not disclose how much you have read OP other than 2 titles) and do not know what the fuck they are doing, yet they inadvertently take their relationship to Dread Levels way higher than they are ready to manage.

I do not think it's a big deal to give her vague responses to what you are doing especially if you can be cute and funny about it. I think answering questions about plans with things like "You're invited to come with me, wear a sexy black dress and you will find out when we get there." is good fun and keeps you in control of the evening. As far as getting blown up via text, I would just swat her questions away with a simple face to face conversation where you tell her that you hate how addicted to technology everyone is getting and you don't want to be a part of it anymore, so your giving yourself a personal challenge to not look at your phone all the damn time. Tell her to call you with any emergencies otherwise if you don't respond it's because you are busy or haven't looked at your phone in awhile.

InChargeMan · 2017-04-30T00:13:41+00:00

She wanted money because she has called out of work and didn't make enough for stuff she wants

Sounds like you have bigger issues going on. What's up with this? Also, did she explain why she needs the money? If it is for a legit reason a leader needs to make sure that it is taken care of.

To follow that thought out, if she did have the money, and she is trying to waste it on bullshit, why is that accepted any other time?

This is an area that is under contention around here. My assertion is that "separate" finances is a no-go, where I have a right to assure the proper stewardship of ALL of our money. Others say "she can do what she wants with her money, I can do what I want with mine." But then what happens when there is a major expense? AC blows, kid needs a surgery, etc? If you aren't watching 100% of the pie you're going to end up supporting these cases since she blew all "her" money.

kendallb183 · 2017-04-29T03:51:41+00:00

What to do when she demands an explanation as you STFU.

STFU

Anytime, anyone demands that you explain yourself.....

......and you explain, only because they demanded it,

..... you are their bitch.

In this case, explaining to your wife, tells her that she is in charge and you are not the man.

Do not do that. STFU. unless you can't handle having her mad at you, then buckle under.

SgtSilverBack · 2017-04-29T05:38:25+00:00

For a long time I was the same. You feel as though you should be able to give a logical explanation like you would with us. SHE ISN'T A MAN.

This morning I told my wife I don't like my son's clothes and her hamster started going crazy since she bought the clothes. I literally leaned against the door smiling while I brushed my teeth and she dished out shit. Coming home from work she is giggly and happy about getting clothes that meet my expectations and an awesome night continues.

I THINK what you are really asking is are you going about it right. Since you aren't there yet you can't see that everything is fine as long as you aren't going Rambo. We've all been there. You STFU because you don't have a better response and you still feel judged but she keeps pushing and you start second guessing yourself. Am I doing it right? Am I being the aspie guy the posts are about? Nope, you are resetting the atmosphere in your house and she doesn't know the new rules yet.

YOU ALONE decide how you should act. Explain you have a plan for money that doesn't involve giving it away. Don't explain it. Either way you decide how you act is right. Personally I'd say while you are breaking free, STFU and take the shit. When things get better you can decide to give s bit of explanation so she can see you have a better plan than her wants, but it is still for YOU to decide not us.

bob13bob · 2017-04-29T09:01:22+00:00

sounds like ramboing to me. maybe should have taken a more gradual approach.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-04-29T14:41:40+00:00

It's a shit test.

Last week I was in front of a judge who was a real douche. He berated the other side about the lengthy brief they wrote and then turned to me with a nasty comment about how he hates lawyers and clients who overcharge. This is the issue in that case, the client overcharging by a lot.

He continued his snark: "I know all about your clients."

I responded: "Nothing bad I hope" (the joke is there is a LOT of bad shit he would have heard about this client).

The judge threw his head on his desk and put his hands to his temples and started yelling at me: "Now how am I supposed to answer that? You tell me. How can I possibly answer that. You tell me. Answer the question for me. How can I answer that."

I smiled and nodded my head but continued to play the game- definitely don't want to lose frame at this point!!!!

"Can I buy a vowel?"

The courtroom erupted and the judge almost fell off the bench laughing.

TLDR: Use humor and a solid frame to deflect her questions. Don't take her seriously and maintain a positive, affirming, frame.

rocknrollchuck · 2017-04-29T15:38:31+00:00

Here's a better approach

Jack10's masterpiece on how to withdraw gradually, instead of going from 100 to 0 all at once in your interactions.

mabden · 2017-05-01T12:35:19+00:00

she asked why I'm not answering her calls when I'm at work

"unless it is an emergency requiring a trip to the hospital or the house is burning down, do not call me at work"

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2017-05-02T20:53:36+00:00

Yeah, you've trained her real good.
Just grab her over your knee and spank her and then fuck her as necessary. That should take her intimation streak in a better direction.

Title	What to do when she demands an explanation as you STFU
Author	kendallb183
Upvotes	4
Comments	28
Date	April 29, 2017 3:09 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6878oq/what_to_do_when_she_demands_an_explanation_as_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/what-to-do-when-she-demands-an-explanation-as-you.206224 https://theredarchive.com/post/206224