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Observations After Wife Found Out About My Affair

Reddit View
April 26, 2017

Background. I'm late-30s, she's mid-30s SAHM, married for 15 years. We were each other's first. We have 4 kids. I've read the sidebar, NMMNG, WISNIFG, 48 Laws of Power, MMSLP, SGM, Rational Male, Year One, Sixteen Commandments of Poon, Book of Pook, and just started Saving a Low Sex Marriage. I've always dressed well and have been reasonably attractive, although I let myself go for too long and at my worst was about 50 lbs overweight. I've lost 40 lbs over the past two years and am 5'11, 170 lbs., about 16% bf. Still some room for improvement, as I'd like to get into the 10-12% range. I lift (SL 5x5) 3x per week with some cardio mixed in on the other days.

I began an affair a few months ago, about 5 months into my MAP. Wife found out about it on Sunday -- the same day it ended. I didn't have sex but went as far as having oral. After having had a few days to reflect, the following are my observations and thoughts from a red pill perspective.

Observation No. 1. I rushed through the 12 steps of dread and unnecessarily skipped from step 8 to step 11. My changes and self-improvement led to a much more fulfilling and exciting sex life with my wife, and an improved relationship in general. I justified the affair by telling myself I was developing abundance mentality. Bullshit. If that was my motivation I could have done that through catch and release. The reality is I did it because I'm a pussy who seeks external validation and I need to get over that.

Observation No. 2. I suffer from nice guy syndrome. I read NMMNG several months ago and picked it up again Sunday night. This excerpt hit me particularly hard: "IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life." I've always tried to hide my flaws and project a false image of myself. Whether it was hiding porn, masturbation, having an affair, or any other undesirable habits or flaws, I have always gone to great lengths in order to hide them from others while projecting a very different public image. If I was truly owning my shit, I wouldn't feel the need to hide these things from others, and I would be a big enough man to accept the consequences of my decisions rather than trying to hide them. I have a lot of hard work ahead on this issue.

Observation No. 3. Failing to lead, weak or ambiguous sexual initiation, and being butthurt following a rejection of my advances are undeniably unattractive. Of course, this is not new information. But in a rare moment of truth, my wife confided to me that my lack of leadership in the home, my indirect sexual advances, and my pouting after being rejected are highly unattractive and turn her off. Clearly I have work to do in these areas.

Observation No. 4. Holding frame is vital. Again, nothing new here. In the past, when I would fuck up I would immediately lose frame and try to "fix" things by doing whatever she told me I should do to fix the problem. After finding out about the affair, she asked me what my plan is for moving forward. Rather than respond like a pussy with "whatever you want me to do" I told her I want to lead my family to great things and I want her to be along for the ride. I was able to lay out a general plan of action that I think provided some comfort and security in a time of uncertainty.

Observation No. 5. STFU. She needs to process and work through some pretty serious shit. She doesn't need me to fix it, she needs me to be a fucking rock. I have to fight my natural tendency to DEER, and just keep my fucking mouth shut.

Observation No. 6. I need to be more involved here. I haven't posted much here and have been primarily a lurker. I previously posted a few times in OYS on the main sub under a different username, but I'd like to become a regular contributor if for no other reason than to track my own progress and to keep my ego in check.

I have a long and hard road ahead of me and welcome any comments or feedback, good and bad.

[Edited for formatting and to add missing details] [Further edits to round out the sidebar materials I've read]

Post Information
Title Observations After Wife Found Out About My Affair
Author mrpdedicatedaccount
Upvotes 12
Comments 33
Date 26 April 2017 05:01 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
leadershipbutthurtMAPWISNIFGDEERabundancedread gameframeliftNMMNG

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy

So she didnt leave huh?

Shell forgive anything, if its from a position of strength.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I gotta admit it surprised me. I fully expected her to bolt ... I know I would have if the situation was reversed.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

guess had you finished reading the sidebar material, it would make much more sense then.

your path isn't unique, thousands have tried it already

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

True ... although it was completely different to read about someone else's experience vs. mine. If anything, it reinforced to me that MRP works. Whenever I read stories about other wives who stayed, I thought to myself "my wife snowflake would never do that, she'd leave me if she found out about my affair." It was a good lesson to learn. [Edited for formatting]

[–]weakandsensitive3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

i keep wondering why guys think their wives are somehow special snowflakes. the correlation between supposedly shitty wife and weak ass husband is pretty strong.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There is so much truth here. My wife and I were both raised by weak fathers and domineering mothers. Even though I'm more naturally dominant and she's more naturally submissive, "happy wife, happy life" was drilled into both of us from an early age. It didn't make either of us happy.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

This, right here, is a great fucking post.

I've seen some wallowing lately about too much victim puke, comfort or shit test, and I'm 2 weeks in/never read/never lift/hold my hand shit and I'd have to agree.

But this here is gold.

The OP admittedly fucked up. Then he followed it up with honest, introspective and tough observations. He OWNED HIS SHIT.

He didn't need anyone to do it for him, he didn't need mommy to hold his hand.

I know I'm not adding anything to further the OP's discussion. I just wanted to acknowledge quality when I see it.

As well as point out to any newbies or lurkers that this is how it should be done.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Much appreciated.

[–]BrazilRedPill2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Since you are not really asking anything and you seem to have addressed your weak points, I would say that you've handled well so far about she discovering your affair on #4.

Keep your frame, hold this idea of "leading your family to great things with her along for the ride, providing some comfort and security in a time of uncertainty".

However, own the fact that you are no longer on dread level 8, but actually on level 11, and proceed accordingly. Give her time to digest.

[–]BobbyPeru2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You messed up.

But you learned

One of these is more important.

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Wife found out about it on Sunday -- the same day it ended.

Are these facts connected? How did wife find out - poor opsec, got suspicious and got access to your texts/emails?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I got sloppy and didn't delete a text. She had been suspicious, but not about an affair (or so she claims anyway). She thought I was hiding porn.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'm guessing the lone text didnt say "hey guy I've been giving oral to...", so did you tell her everything after she found the text? Or did you hold any details back?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Started with trickle truth but eventually told her everything over the course of two days. It was obvious from the text that I was involved with someone else. In an effort to avoid my niceguy tendency to keep secrets, I decided to disclose everything and deal with the fallout of my choices.

[–]WesternhagenWinner6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I assure you she thinks "just oral" is trickle truth. Everyone here certainly does. =)

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Did you tell her everything out of some sense of honor or to hurt her. Why did you do it all? I know she saw a text but still.

Have you talked to a lawyer? Are you ready to give it all up? How do you know she's not just biding her time because she doesn't have options. Don't go thinking your wife's a different kind of snowflake because she didn't scream divorce when she could have.

Until you don't care either way if she stays or goes why is any of this going to change your behavior?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

She was already plenty hurt. I told her everything because I want to stop keeping secrets from her. I am a lawyer so I haven't felt a strong need to consult other counsel -- yet. And I'm ready to move on if she decides she wants to end it, which I communicated to her last night. She asked what I would do if she decides to divorce, and I told her I'd land on my feet and would transition much easier than she would. She agreed.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck, another lawer?

Is everyone here either lawyer, doctor/paramedic, or Ex military?

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You showed abundance on her eyes. Way to own your shit.

[–]beta_no_mo0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

You had an affair that involved only oral for...months?

Come on, dude. We're not stupid.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It was a big line for me to cross, as my n-count is 1.

[–]redwall920 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Hey .. if you're not getting the oral at home, I'd be fine with only oral outside the home. At least I think I would...

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Except I am getting oral at home. Oral, anal, bondage, very few hard nos, pretty much whatever I want (the last few months anyway. Before that ... not so much). Which is why I think the affair was about seeking validation more than it was about sex.

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

sweet. you've recognized it. now you can kill it and focus on your goals.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

the last few months anyway. Before that ... not so much

I am guessing this coincides with the start of your affair? Funny how that works.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fair enough, brother. Maintain your Outcome Independence and full speed ahead, but my advice in the future is if you plate on the side don't be sloppy and get caught and don't unburden yourself for the sake of feeling better. No reason to hurt the wife with it unless you're trying to operate at Dread Level 10+.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

All good advice - thanks. I wasn't ready for Dread Level 10+, nor was it necessary for my relationship as my wife had been responding positively to my other changes. Lesson learned.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I think your frame is weak. You confessed to her because you want her to know. You want her to see you as a stud. That's not inherently bad but own it. You have not been with enough women and therefore your logical and instinctual parts of your brain are at odds. On the one hand you are evolved to fuck many women to spread your dna across the gene pool as much as possible, on the other hand you married your first (I did the same thing my first time) and it puts her pussy on a pedestal. You were probably a guilty wretch after that other girl blew you. You wanted to get caught because of that guilt which is why you confessed after she saw the text. This is going to create bigger headaches for you in the future though there is a chance it may re-invigorate your marriage for a bit. Do not do this in the future. You want to fuck your secretary's face then do it, but don't rub your wife's face in it unless she is a bitch that deserves it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

My confession about oral was in direct response to the my wife's question whether the other woman had sucked my cock. IMO denying that question would have been demonstrating a weak frame. I did not confess to rub her face in it or because I wanted her to see me as a stud. I confessed because I want to live congruently and own my shit. I fucked up. I owned it. I'm moving forward and bettering myself. To me, that demonstrates a much stronger frame than lying and keeping secrets like a scared little pussy who is afraid to face the consequences of my choices and actions. [Edit for clarification]

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

So your wife sees a text and just flat out asks immediately "Did she blow you?" I smell a smelly smell or there's a lot more to the story than what you provided us to go on.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

The text she saw was unmistakable evidence that I had been having an affair, which had just ended. Things like "Before I met you I didn't think I would ever be able to love again" and "I'll still be thinking about you 20 years from now." Naturally that text led to questions about how long it had been going on, how far I had gone with her, etc. I thought I had explained all of this in this comment:

Started with trickle truth but eventually told her everything over the course of two days. It was obvious from the text that I was involved with someone else. In an effort to avoid my niceguy tendency to keep secrets, I decided to disclose everything and deal with the fallout of my choices.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fair enough, I read while I was putting on a shirt and tie and must have glossed over it too much. But I am curious, on some level did you want to unburden yourself of the guilt?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think that's a fair assessment. I've kept secrets my entire life and it's affected my relationships, including with my wife. It goes back to the quote from NMMNG in Observation No. 2: "IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life." Although difficult, I decided I would be honest and not hold back. That way, I wouldn't be burdened by a secret, and she would have the information needed to decide whether she wants to stay or leave. If she stays (which, so far, is her decision) I won't have the guilt/baggage of the secret. And if she leaves, I'm prepared to move forward without her and continue working on myself.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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