FR: She folded like a cheap lawn chair.

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April 24, 2017

Wife and I had a big nuclear event about 12 days ago. It has been building for a long time.

Thursday before Easter she was ranting and being disrespectful. I reached a limit and declared I was totally done with the situation, lets proceed with the divorce. She says OK, but wants me to go on a pre planned family vacation after Easter weekend. I said that I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her any more. She begs, "for the sake of the kids". I grabbed a copy of "First Kill All the Marriage Counsellors" and told her the only way I'd go is if she read it cover to cover and implemented the respect aspect for the trip.

She complains and shit tests. I stand my ground. She reads a few chapters and declares it to be misogynistic crap, etc. I tell her to keep reading or I'm not going. A day and more shit tests pass(ed), etc. More complaining. I keep telling her to keep reading or I'm not going. And she reluctantly does, even bookmarking pages and taking notes by the end.

Meanwhile I'm in full on divorce mode. I'm calling properties for rent, drafting up an asset division list and a timetable for sharing the kids. No more fucking around, lets do this. All the while maintaining calm in the home so the children enjoy a "normal" Easter. Thankfully they were oblivious to the whole thing.

On Easter Sunday night she completed the book, apologized and said she doesn't want a divorce. I wasn't ready to go there. I agreed to a 6 month truce on the divorce issue.

I moved back into the bedroom. We've had good sex several times. She hasn't once turned me down.

Several times she has shit tested about things that are wrong with the book. I either STFU and let her hamster or I give her an example from our relationship or someone we know that demonstrates how the book is right. No DEERing, I'm giving her a lesson on how to be a good wife and what I need to see to be happy.

One time she says that the book is written for narcissistic men who want to control their wives. I tell her that the author is a woman, the book is written for women, the book was on the NY Times best seller list, men don't read relationship books and that narcissistic men don't stay in troubled relationships. That shut her up !

Meanwhile we had a very good family vacation last week. She was very respectful and went beyond what I asked and implemented several of the behaviours outlined in the book. I can't remember the last time I heard so many "thank yous" and little displays of appreciation for doing things. And she clearly asks me how I'd like to see her do things.

Last night she started up on a few of her favourite shit test topics about finances, retirement planning, etc. I addressed everything she brought up factually and directly and kept her from going emotional on the topic. At one point she broke down and stated that she just wants to feel more appreciation from me. I didn't see that coming. I comforted her and stated that was something that I could do for her - comfort test passed.

She said she felt close to me when we went to bed together. She just called me on her lunch break and told me how much she liked our discussion last night and how close she felt to me. She used to do this regularly when our relationship was young.

I have a lot to learn and we aren't out of the woods yet, but at least I now have her attention.

For a long time I tried to figure out how to prod my wife into improving. How could I give her a lesson without trying to tell her what to do. Stuff like that would have no credibility coming from me. It turns out that "First Kill All the Marriage Counsellors" is a very good way to do this. There is no doubt that the nuclear event was a big part of this, but having her read FKALtMCs gave her a blueprint for what things needed to look like going forward.

Here is an RP review of the book:

I recommend it be added to the sidebar reading material.

Edit: I think it is misfortunate that the author, Laura Doyle has a similar previous book entitled "The Surrendered Wife". The title of that book was an off put for my wife. Laura apparently has a new version of the book entitled "The Empowered Wife". I haven't read it.

Post Information
Title FR: She folded like a cheap lawn chair.
Author ImSteveMcQueen
Upvotes 17
Comments 19
Date 24 April 2017 07:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

One example I gave her was this.

My wife's dad passed away about 15 years ago. I never met the man, though I do know he was accomplished and a leader in the community. Her parents had a rocky relationship. I've never once heard my MIL say anything good about her husband. She remained a widow and to this day she complains about things he did, like the design of their home, etc. They essentially lived apart in the same house. He had had his own bedroom in the basement.

Meanwhile my mom praises my dad all the time. I've never really seen them disagree. I've never seen my dad sleep on the couch, let alone have his own bed.

Coincidence ? I think not. And the significance wasn't lost on my wife.

At one point when my wife was shit testing about finishing reading the book she said something like she couldn't be a woman like was outlined in the book, etc. and that I might have to find another woman, blah, blah, blah. I replied that I'd give the book to my next woman as a handbook for our relationship. Silence. Crickets.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

Kudos to you for sticking with got ripped a new one multiple times, threw a big baby temper tantrum, came back and got ripped some more and still, here you are.

Having said that, YOU folded like a cheap lawn chair, not her. You were ready to walk out the door, she did what she needed to keep you. Live life on your terms McQeen. Now you know she knows how to behave, if she doesn' know what to do.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

I owe it to my kids to make this work. I have a hard time stomaching my 3 kids having to live the rest of their lives going back and forth between two households.

I'm not going to stay in a bad marriage for the sake of my kids. But I will work on things until there is no hope. It is what I want to do. Besides, I'm continually working on me through all this. Life just gets better. If my wife is part of that, great. If not, so be it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I owe it to my kids to make this work.

I used to think that. Then I realized my house was a hostile environment, and I had checked out mentally. Every man has his breaking point, and I will tell you, it is not good for the kids when a man reaches that point. Every situation is different, so you do you, but from someone who has been there, sometimes it's better to leave.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I hear you. I was there, thus the nuclear event. I've been guilty of being brooding and angry too. The kids sense that, no doubt about it. It isn't good. But if there is a chance to make it work, I'm willing to give it a shot.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (9 children) | Copy

We all play roles. I pretend to be an expert and tell juries what to do. The roles in marriage have been established for a very long time. Laura Doyle points them out and shows women how they can benefit by using their natural feminine powers.

Hot sex ensues.

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

So you and Laura Doyle have hot sex in front of 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty? I really need to finish reading your book...

[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damnit, this is a perfect roo, and I don't want to draw the plebs in here.

[–]GreenPiller0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Are you a lawyer? I thought you were a teacher...

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

I am both. Don't tell anybody though.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I want to thank the people that replied to my previous posts over the past few months. The thoughts, advice and feedback I received were very helpful. I don't know where I would be without this forum.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Steve, you are still trying to win here. It is not about beating your wife, it is about her trying to stay in your life.

You did hold frame in the end with a set boundary which is good, but her motivation to comply was not desire to please you, but fear of shame that the holiday will be ruined and everybody will know her picket fence dream has turned into a nightmare.

'You must read this book or else I am not going' - a good move in the sense of keeping frame and setting a boundary, but it boils down to controlling what another person thinks or reads. Not very attractive.

Overall not a win, but not a loss either. More of a blurry line in the sand.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not controlling. Finally a frame that didn't buckle. He had an expectation and actually enforced it. Bet that didn't happen often.

[–]mrpthrowa2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is temporary.

She has just about done enough to avert the divorce.

She will continue to test and push the boundaries.

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This sounds a lot like negotiated desire. It could also be the Main Event, which you passed by not failing it, but it somehow still seems off to me.

[–]resolutions3160 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Congrats on your progress. Holding frame during a blowout like that is no fucking joke.

Now it's time to hold to your defenses and boundaries. I wish you the best.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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