You may have read in my previous posts about how I came to the realization of my tunnel vision (intentional and unintentional on my part) of my wife's infidelity. Here's an update:
I took several of MRPer's advice last Monday and finally downloaded wife's deleted text messages. She was clearly having an affair. Here's what I did in response.
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday: found and met with attorneys, learned the law in my state, and generally formulated a plan. Also bitched and victim puked to my dad and a couple good friends. I engaged an attorney and had them draft a separation agreement.
The agreement covers the kids. I will not put the kids in the middle of this. I will take care of them 100% no matter what shit she pulls. But it does not give her any alimony. I also keep the house, almost everything in the house, and the car.
Friday: wife came home from a spring break vacation with the kids and I just held it together. I reviewed her text messages with my lawyer's brain to figure out everything I could.
Turns out Chad was on a spring break vacation with his family and would be back Monday. He worked the following Wed., Thur., and Fri. and would be out of town those days. Spring break ended after Monday meaning that their "fucking window" was limited to Tuesday. I called a PI and engaged them. They agreed to place a tracking device on my car on Mon. and to follow her on Tue.
I live in an at-fault state, meaning that I can divorce for adultery immediately, but she has to wait 1 year to divorce otherwise. Proof of the adultery might help reduce alimony, but probably not in the lower courts. Meaning that I'd need to appeal and pay a shit ton more money if she fought me. Lawyers also told me that the text messages would be enough to establish fault so I didn't need the PI. I disagreed.
See, I didn't want the video for court or legal purposes. I wanted it so I could block any excuses or denial shit she might throw up when I confronted her.
Sat. Sun.: The weekend was absolute hell. It was a waiting game. Wife asked why I wasn't in the mood for sex multiple times and I had to respond. She asked what was wrong several times and I just STFU.
Monday: got an STD test. Who the hell knows what shit she's given me. Still waiting on those results. Dealt with more questions and STFU.
[EDIT] STD test normal. Phew!
Tuesday: kids went to school and she dropped me off at the train. I walked back and picked up final separation agreement from the lawyer and then went to work.
PI texted at 10:30. She'd dropped me off, went home, did her hair and makeup, drove to his house, and fucked him. Then went back to my house, changed into yoga clothes, and went to the library. I have the video. Gents, there was no guilt, no skulking... she knew what she wanted and took it. Went in through his front door and happily left the same way. She only parked a half block away from his place. Fuck you Chad. But not even Chad... the guy is sleeping in his own basement and has a fucking Dad bod. Enough of that...
I had my wife pick me up at 6:00 pm and had my sister pick up the kids from my house at 6:05. They didn't need to hear this. Got home and I sat her down, calmly explained that I knew she was having an affair. She didn't deny it. She asked me how I knew. I held my cards. Everything I had was in folders, printed and ready to give her, except the video which was downloaded to my phone, but I kept it for when she decided to argue.
I handed her the agreement. I walked her through every paragraph. At times, she argued and I pulled one more item of proof from my folders. She told me that she'd wanted to end it two weeks ago. I responded that I knew she'd gone and fucked him that day.
She signed the agreement that night. I had a 24 hr notary come to the house and notarized the agreement right then. The $125 was well worth it.
I think I held frame throughout. Not my proudest moment, but she followed me around the house that night. I took ambien and went to bed. She asked if she could sleep in the basement because it was so late and I agreed. I vaguely recall her asking if there was anything she could do to sleep in our bed that night. I told her that if she blew me and swallowed she could sleep in our bed. I vaguely remember teeth, cumming hard, and a bit of gagging as it hit the back of her throat. I woke up next to her. Oops. Oh well. Wish I'd been fully conscious to enjoy it.
As agreed she packed and left the next morning. She came back to pick up the kids with me, we went home and she sat and told them that we couldn't live together anymore because she'd had sex with a man who wasn't their Dad. Hard experience and crying ensued.
So now I'm numb and just holding it together for the little mammals. Wife will move back home with her parents to another state. Boys will stay with me to finish school. I'm oddly horny and trying to figure out what I'll do for the next year while I wait for her to file the no fault divorce. If she doesn't, I will. She doesn't want to fight. Here's hoping she doesn't and hoping everything moves along as planned.
I called and talked to both of her parents. I gave them all of the details. I will maintain a good relationship with everyone in her family except for the sister who knew about the affair and encouraged her and hid it. Fuck her. Just sayin'.
I also took a copy of all the evidence to Chad's wife. I gave it to her and we talked for a half hour about what was there. If she wants to continue fucking him for whatever reason, that's up to her now.
So, I went from discovering the affair to a confrontation, getting a signed separation agreement with no alimony, and getting her out of the house in one week and a day.
I'm hoping that my pain and experience will give someone here the strength they need to do what needs to be done. It can happen this way. I just did it. Don't let any grass grow. Don't be emotional until it's over. Get legal advice and then follow through. Make sure she doesn't have any wiggle room and keep her off balance by holding your ammo until each shot is necessary. I don't think shock and awe would have worked nearly as well.
It all hurts way to much for me to be proud of myself, but I believe I've held frame, owned my shit, and effectively managed it all for now.
[EDIT - UPDATE] I want to mention a couple things and give an update. First, your mileage may vary... wife and I have both been raised in very very fundamental conservative religious families. Consequently, the threat of a public divorce naming her as an adulterous is very powerful. Frankly, any divorce is a huge move that is frowned upon in the religion even in these circumstances. I will deal with (even dealt with it yesterday) ecclesiastical leaders trying to convince me to stick it out.
Before the barrage of posts come telling me not to have sex with her and to divorce her no matter what church tells me... read on. My only point here is a word of caution to those considering a similar course of action. You should be aware that it might be more effective in my situation than it will be in others. Maybe NAWALT?
Ok. That aside, update... we both continue to have a close relationship with MC. He's not your average MC. Wife has been planning to go to another intensive session with him. He was willing to do that until yesterday. As mentioned above, when she says she's going to fight her way back into our marriage, I've responded that she's way in the hole and would need to prove to me that I can trust her, that this would never happen again, and that she'd need to find a way to make me fall in love with her, and that I don't know how in the hell she'd do that. Hold your derision for a second, please... just keep reading.
Yesterday, she came over after school with the boys. I'd been cleaning the house and had put a couple pictures of us and some of her shoes into her office. Frankly, it's just too painful to look at. She noticed and proceeded to give me shit about it. She told me I was clearly making a statement and that the message was received. She then proceeded to lay into me, telling me that I thought I was better than her, that I had my own problems, and was kicking her to the curb over hers. She also argued that we couldn't work on the marriage if she didn't live in the house. For the record, I never had sex with anyone else, told her that I didn't think she was a bad person or a bad mom, and that we couldn't live together anymore. Plain and simple.
I let MC know. Apparently she'd called him earlier that day, told him that the relationship she'd had with her paramour had been an emotional one, and asked how to get over him. This is the millionth time she's talked to MC about him. Millionth time she's talked to ME about him... MC told her that he can't help her. That we're less than a week out from her getting caught screwing another guy, and already she's talking about him and blaming me.
She's torn up about it. Called me in tears. If she doesn't have MC's help, she doesn't know how to get better and save our marriage she says. She wanted me to help her figure it out and fix it.
I told her repeatedly that she just didn't get it. She cried for a few seconds and then asked me if our ecclesiastical leaders had said anything to me about being able to stay together and saving the marriage. She asked if my parents were against us living separately. She was looking for any way to not live with the consequences of her own actions. For someone else to blame. For someone else to save her so she could go back to Chad.
Here's my only point... she's not going to change. She still can't see what she's done. Apologies, tears, and promises to change and to fight for your marriage will keep coming, but the facts remain... don't fall for it. Stay strong. The course you were forced into is the right one. Stick with it.
[EDIT - update II] she just came over and offered a blow job "without any strings attached." It's the only reason she came over. It was hard cause I'm so damn horny, but I turned her down. I can't imagine that anything that woman does has no strings attached.