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How would you handle if your wife found out you cheated?

Reddit View
April 21, 2017
8 upvotes

For those spinning plates, obviously---

Yes, I've seen other women. No, my wife hasnt found out.

Mainly do it casually, not much past kissing. Its pretty much the thrill of the hunt for me. Still, enough to count as cheating I'm sure, and blow up in my face. For those in a similar position, how would you handle if your wife found out?

A friend of mine's affair was discovered a few years ago. They tried to work things out which consisted of him profusely apologizing every day, and agreeing to let her track his every whereabouts (and she would do drive by's to make sure he was where his phone said he was). Over time he became angry and disillusioned with her as she was unable to forgive him. They got divorced.

Eta: maybe more specifically what if she asked you to leave the house? Or to monitor your phone? Or things like that.


Post Information
Title How would you handle if your wife found out you cheated?
Author prarrott
Upvotes 8
Comments 38
Date 21 April 2017 03:19 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206255
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/66pufr/how_would_you_handle_if_your_wife_found_out_you/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
cheatingplate
Comments

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (5 children) | Copy

A woman can forgive just about anything... Except being a weak man.

Perhaps you see the lesson here? He gave her the power in the relationship, and she lost respect for it, more than the new pussy would have.

As for the finding out, first off, I wouldn't be fucking stupid and leave breadcrumbs. Secondly, I would not admit anything... If she was shitty enough that I wanted extra pussy, I'd probably be looking on an exit plan already, and this would be me having some fun before I go.

Lastly, she catches me balls deep? I'd probably move plans ahead. What more do I need to say at that point? I'd rather fuck her than you... Those were my terms, she can accept them, or not. Sure as shit not going to beg to have a chick in my life that won't sex me

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

A woman can forgive just about anything

and usually will

Weak man cheats? not forgiven

strong man cheats? - hamstered away.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Unless he's an old school leftist protesting labour rights man...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

is he hawt?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

A woman can forgive just about anything... Except being a weak man.

Yup.

Christian McQueen said it. "I've almost always been forgiven for being an asshole. I've never been forgiven for being a pussy."

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lastly, she catches me balls deep?

It wasn't me.

[–]WesternhagenWinner10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

A friend of mine's affair was discovered a few years ago. They tried to work things out which consisted of him profusely apologizing every day, and agreeing to let her track his every whereabouts

Hey, at least you have an example of how not to handle it...

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Are you ok with doing it? Do you feel shame?

if those things are issues, fix em.

if not, well, she needs to make a decision anywyay.

Why are you seeing other women? Boredom? or she can fix it?

[–]fuckmrpRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

First, if your wife is going to kick you out equally for kissing and fucking, you better start fucking. This is like breaking into a bank to steal a tv.

If caught I'd own it, admit it and then wait and see. If she comes back expecting to put you in the dog house, its fucked just go. If she accepts that her failings are in part the reason you cheated then maybe it can be rebuilt. I think again this comes down to frame.

A strong frame will think, I have everything I need because I make it so. I can get pussy at will. If we divorce my life will get better. I'm cheating because I need more than I'm getting and I'm not going to wait for it. I take what I want.

A weak frame will think, I fucked up my life. I'll never do better than this. I'm a lowly dog to be punished by her. I must do anything, no everything to win back her favor. I deserve nothing.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I do know your story. IMO you are not ready. You deal with guilt and lack of frame. Make no mistake your frame has improved, but your judgement is still lacking. On a scale of 1-10 your frame is a 2, which is a 100% improvement from your beginning of a 1. You can't even kiss a girl without worrying that your wife will divorce you. No outcome independence yet, for you.

Everything you have told us so far says, you are not ready and she has not had enough time to forget enough of your old beta moves. Give it some more time and lots more work.

You are horny and rushing this. You are angry at her denials and probably more than a little angry at yourself for putting up with so much for so long. Your horny and anger are being rationalized by your hamster. Stop It Now!

You have way too much to lose.... your integrity, financial and family. OK, I know, I'm talking about NOT cheating. I know I'm no example, but I also can see a slow motion train wreck about to happen. YOU ARE THE TRAIN!

Man, I really don't know why I give a shit here. But I do and I'm trying to keep you from screwing yourself up. Keep getting better and stop trying to sabotage yourself. Stop it now!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (9 children) | Copy

Tell her to accept it or to start the paperwork.

Edit To elaborate, you cheated for a reason, now would be a good time to tell her that reason. If it's something which can be corrected, maybe this fixes the issue, if not, you lose the wife, easy day, cut & dry.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

I've thought about the "tell her why" bit. I haven't thought about it much, but I havent devised a way to say that without it sounding like I'm blaming her. I'm not, I take ownership over my decisions. However, yes I entertain other women in large part because my wife is cold and completely unavailable (despite my attempts to invite her to be otherwise)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

Why is she your wife?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

Well because I married her.

She's still my wife because my children, financially I'm in deep, and I'm very young in my MRP journey so she gets plenty of time to respond. She had to deal with a shit version of me for plenty of time.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

Makes sense

If you want to maximize her response, then dedicate the time & energy to making that happen.

Having a side piece satisfies that primal lust, which should be directed towards your wife.

If you get caught, you may revert back to the nice guy you were and double down on your efforts to be a good man.

Fuck that.

Keep the side girls if you want, I don't care but know the game you're playing.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

If you want to maximize her response, then dedicate the time & energy to making that happen.

This is where we're stuck. I fell like I'm giving her proper opportunity to come aboard and have a happy intimate marriage, after smothering her a bit early on. But, she needs to respond. Some bit is on her. I don't know what more time and energy I need to dedicate to her at this point.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't know the story, but I do know that either way, you should be enjoying the ride. Don't get too caught up on your interactions with her, getting lost in your head instead of just immersing in the moment.

Have fun with it.

[–]rocknrollchuck3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your first post was 7 months ago. Many women take longer than a year to come around and change. Some never do. It's still early, in my opinion.

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I fell like I'm giving her proper opportunity to come aboard and have a happy intimate marriage, after smothering her a bit early on.

You are in her frame. You self improve because you want to, not because you win her over. You have to have already let go of her and your marriage in order for this to work. You are frustrated not with her, but by your emotions and feelings that she should get in line behind you. Men do not let those types of emotions affect us. That's a woman's game.

But, she needs to respond. Some bit is on her.

No. None of this is on her. She makes her own decisions, however irrational they are. She is a woman, and for the most part, women run on generally predictable routines. When she finds you attractive, she'll fall in line behind you. Maybe that happens, maybe it doesn't. Either way you wind up a better man despite her, not because of her.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

If you wanted strange, you accept the potential concequences. If you haven't had a plan together to see your kids raised right, then you didn't plan...

Then you're being a moron.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Unless she catches you balls deep in some strange you deny it. Accusations are just that, talk.

If you are caught out, own it. Never relinquish power in the relationship.

And if you cheat, be able to handle the consequences.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Unless she catches you balls deep in some strange you deny it

Guarantee she would do the same, only better.

[–]The_LitzRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

She would get her sister to lie about it too.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

This will be the Main Event and "teachable moment" to firmly express and assert your frame as to your expectations in the marriage. Look her in the eyes and say

"Yes, I've been seeing other women. I vowed monogamy with you in a loving, christian marriage, not celibacy. By denying me sex you have abandoned your christian marriage vows and our marriage. Through my actions I have made it abundantly clear to you that I wish to be in a proper christian marriage with you, but until you rejoin the marriage that you have abandoned I make no apology about meeting my needs elsewhere. If you show me through your actions by X, Y, and Zing (whatever your conditions and expectations are) that you are recommitting to a full, proper, christian marriage with me, I will happily do the same. But you are the one who first abandoned our marriage, so it's up to you to show me through your actions that you are committed to it again."

or whatever expresses your true belief, commitment, and frame regarding your marriage. And you must be ready and able to make the same statement and hold your frame with her parents, your parents, your friends, pastor, or whoever else she might enlist to argue against your frame.

You should entertain no demands, conditions, negotiation, or discussion with her. This is a pressure flip; she abandoned the marriage, not you, so it's on her to accept your conditions. Broken record any attempt to argue or negotiate.

If she or others try to dispute the terms of a "proper christian marriage" or her wedding vows, you might respond (if it's true for you)

"I have read the scriptures carefully, and thought and prayed about it, and this is how I believe God intends a proper christian marriage to be. It's what my conscience believes, and it's not open to discussion."

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Are you asking: How do I DEER to my wife if she finds out?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No, see my edit. How would you handle things she might do in demand to make it work. I listed a few I could think of but I'm sure there are more. Maybe better asked what you would be willing to do to stay together

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Asked you to:

Leave the house

Say no?

Monitor your phone

Say no?

Demand...

Lol no?

What YOU would be willing to do to stay together (emphasis mine)

Da Fuck? How bout what SHE is willing to do. If I'm cheating then I've already accepted that this marriage is whack, I'm moving on. Why the fuck would I change ANYTHING to then keep her around if she found out? You either decide that what you value from marriage besides what it's lacking is too good to risk losing it, or you decide that the value outside of marriage is better, and thus you're willing to let it go. If you're cheating and she finds out, your position should be "Yep, I kissed that girl. You already know why I'm not going to explain it. You want a divorce? OK here's the paperwork."

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Own that shit like a man and access my fuck you fund. She knows I'm both an attorney, and good father, so going to the Court to fuck with custody would do no good.

We both have infidelity as a hard, scorched earth boundary, so I expect her to file, as she would I, if she cheated.

Everyone has a contingency plan, right? Also a firm boundary on adultery? Didn't think so.

[–]LaLongCarabine1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

IDGAF, I'm to that point.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Same as TFA, more or less.

"It happened. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." And then live my life without groveling or supplicating or submitting to a "plan" of "accountability". "No, you cannot monitor my phone."

"If you cannot forgive me, and you can't get past it, then start the divorce paperwork and we'll get this done. No, I am not leaving the house. If you want a divorce, you move out."

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Not sure where this is advocated anywhere? The point is if you are cheating, then own it. You are a man who has a plan, makes a decision, and is confident in that decision.

Yeah I did it. Yeah I meant to do it. It may happen again depending on whether those needs are met or not.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Read yours and u/LewisCross answer couple of times. They are two ends of a spectrum to me.

Agree with everything Lewis said except "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." This is a promise to be a good boy and is unilateral. It does not allow for my behavior to be conditional.

Yes saying, "Yeah I did it. Yeah I meant to do it. It may happen again depending on whether those needs are met or not." seems more direct and honest. But for some it would nuke it to hell. The longer I go, the more I agree with nuking after a man has done the work to improve himself.

BOTH answers acknowledge the outcome independence of putting the marriage on the line. The nuance here is more important than it seemed at first.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It very likely will nuke it to hell, due to the fact that wife expects you to feel sorry, because society expects you to feel sorry. So the shock of you not feeling sorry is so great, she cannot process it. You ever see those superhero cartoons where the villain has, let's say superman, trapped in an iron cage with kryptonite? But somehow superman finds the strength deep inside to walk up to the bars and, with every last fiber of his being, slowly bend the cell bars open anyway? The villain screams "NO! THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" and is so overwhelmed with the fact that what is happening is beyond the realm of reason that he is helpless to fight a weakened superman, escape, or even move? That's her reality being broken. It's pushing a frame that involves a complete rewrite of her comprehension of free will and society. Its...in effect...forcefully and rapidly unplugging her from the matrix. Last I checked, that didn't fare so well for Switch.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm still working on my kryptonite resistance. The key is to never get in the cage, so Superman was stupid, too. Now we have that in common with S-man. Once you're in the cage you need strength of steel to get out of it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Next

Even if I was fucking around. She gatekeeps sex, I commitment

edit:

Eta: maybe more specifically what if she asked you to leave the house? Or to monitor your phone? Or things like that.

No, its (presumably if I wasn't retarded) my house.

No

No, because I won't live like a criminal. Don't promise monogamy if you can't deliver.

[–]bowhunter60 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Own it and maintain a fucking titanium frame. Give the most basic apology possible (mistakes were made, lol). I straight up told mine when she asked if I was seeing other women after banging her after I told her I wanted a divorce. We are still together 6 months later. I hear about it every day in some form or another, usually small comfort tests. Pass the shit tests according to the sidebar, give comfort when necessary, be attractive, be OI, be a fucking strong man and you can get through it, and easier than you think, if you aren't a pussy about it.

Strong attractive men get away with murder, weakness and ugliness are punished mercilessly. It's just the way life is. Make sure you are in the first category.

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've actually thought a lot about this. I've never cheated, but I'm not sure how much of that is lack of opportunity vs. me choosing to hold up my end of our vows. I personally think she has already violated her vows by withholding sex, but I digress...

I would absolutely own it. I would tell her confidently that I did, and maybe tell her why I did it. I would probably insist on getting divorced no matter what she offered, as I would have already checked out of the marriage by the time I cheated. I also would not want to give her any leverage over me going forward. No negotiation, no demands, no groveling, no monitoring, just, "this is it, I'm done." I'd continue to sleep in my bed in my home until it is advantageous for me to move out. There are only two problems with this: first, in order to divorce in my state, one of us has to move out. There is no instant divorce. There must be a complete separation before a final divorce can be granted. And second, my state has a procedure where one spouse can essentially "evict" the other spouse from the home if that spouse refuses to leave. I think one of the grounds for that is infidelity. But I would absolutely make her do that unless it was advantageous for me to leave.

As for the rest of it, I've worked through my state's divorce laws, and have a general idea of what I am in for, and I am prepared to accept whatever comes of that process. For me, my freedom and dignity are worth more than any amount of money she could exact from me.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

A friend of mine's affair was discovered a few years ago. They tried to work things out which consisted of him profusely apologizing every day, and agreeing to let her track his every whereabouts (and she would do drive by's to make sure he was where his phone said he was).

Your friend got divorced not only because he cheated and broke his promise to his wife; but also because of his reaction to her response to finding out about it. What your friend should have done was own it, admit to it, apologize one time, and one time only, and promise not to do it again. He still might have gotten divorced, but at least he could have done so with some dignity. Instead he chose to emasculate himself, submit himself to her, defer to her, and grovel and supplicate. And he still got divorced. Only with no dignity. In large part because she lacked attraction for him. His groveling and abnegation only made it worse.

If he had owned his shit, he would have had more of a chance to save it.



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