How would you handle if your wife found out you cheated?

RBuddDwyer · 2017-04-21T18:50:39+00:00

A woman can forgive just about anything... Except being a weak man.

Perhaps you see the lesson here? He gave her the power in the relationship, and she lost respect for it, more than the new pussy would have.

As for the finding out, first off, I wouldn't be fucking stupid and leave breadcrumbs. Secondly, I would not admit anything... If she was shitty enough that I wanted extra pussy, I'd probably be looking on an exit plan already, and this would be me having some fun before I go.

Lastly, she catches me balls deep? I'd probably move plans ahead. What more do I need to say at that point? I'd rather fuck her than you... Those were my terms, she can accept them, or not. Sure as shit not going to beg to have a chick in my life that won't sex me

Westernhagen · 2017-04-21T15:28:41+00:00

A friend of mine's affair was discovered a few years ago. They tried to work things out which consisted of him profusely apologizing every day, and agreeing to let her track his every whereabouts

Hey, at least you have an example of how not to handle it...

[deleted] · 2017-04-21T15:34:46+00:00

Are you ok with doing it? Do you feel shame?

if those things are issues, fix em.

if not, well, she needs to make a decision anywyay.

Why are you seeing other women? Boredom? or she can fix it?

fuckmrp · 2017-04-21T17:41:58+00:00

First, if your wife is going to kick you out equally for kissing and fucking, you better start fucking. This is like breaking into a bank to steal a tv.

If caught I'd own it, admit it and then wait and see. If she comes back expecting to put you in the dog house, its fucked just go. If she accepts that her failings are in part the reason you cheated then maybe it can be rebuilt. I think again this comes down to frame.

A strong frame will think, I have everything I need because I make it so. I can get pussy at will. If we divorce my life will get better. I'm cheating because I need more than I'm getting and I'm not going to wait for it. I take what I want.

A weak frame will think, I fucked up my life. I'll never do better than this. I'm a lowly dog to be punished by her. I must do anything, no everything to win back her favor. I deserve nothing.

[deleted] · 2017-04-22T23:58:12+00:00

I do know your story. IMO you are not ready. You deal with guilt and lack of frame. Make no mistake your frame has improved, but your judgement is still lacking. On a scale of 1-10 your frame is a 2, which is a 100% improvement from your beginning of a 1. You can't even kiss a girl without worrying that your wife will divorce you. No outcome independence yet, for you.

Everything you have told us so far says, you are not ready and she has not had enough time to forget enough of your old beta moves. Give it some more time and lots more work.

You are horny and rushing this. You are angry at her denials and probably more than a little angry at yourself for putting up with so much for so long. Your horny and anger are being rationalized by your hamster. Stop It Now!

You have way too much to lose.... your integrity, financial and family. OK, I know, I'm talking about NOT cheating. I know I'm no example, but I also can see a slow motion train wreck about to happen. YOU ARE THE TRAIN!

Man, I really don't know why I give a shit here. But I do and I'm trying to keep you from screwing yourself up. Keep getting better and stop trying to sabotage yourself. Stop it now!

rocknrollchuck · 2017-04-21T15:24:29+00:00

Tell her to accept it or to start the paperwork.

Edit To elaborate, you cheated for a reason, now would be a good time to tell her that reason. If it's something which can be corrected, maybe this fixes the issue, if not, you lose the wife, easy day, cut & dry.

The_Litz · 2017-04-22T06:47:04+00:00

Unless she catches you balls deep in some strange you deny it. Accusations are just that, talk.

If you are caught out, own it. Never relinquish power in the relationship.

And if you cheat, be able to handle the consequences.

man_in_the_world · 2017-04-21T20:10:14+00:00

This will be the Main Event and "teachable moment" to firmly express and assert your frame as to your expectations in the marriage. Look her in the eyes and say

"Yes, I've been seeing other women. I vowed monogamy with you in a loving, christian marriage, not celibacy. By denying me sex you have abandoned your christian marriage vows and our marriage. Through my actions I have made it abundantly clear to you that I wish to be in a proper christian marriage with you, but until you rejoin the marriage that you have abandoned I make no apology about meeting my needs elsewhere. If you show me through your actions by X, Y, and Zing (whatever your conditions and expectations are) that you are recommitting to a full, proper, christian marriage with me, I will happily do the same. But you are the one who first abandoned our marriage, so it's up to you to show me through your actions that you are committed to it again."

or whatever expresses your true belief, commitment, and frame regarding your marriage. And you must be ready and able to make the same statement and hold your frame with her parents, your parents, your friends, pastor, or whoever else she might enlist to argue against your frame.

You should entertain no demands, conditions, negotiation, or discussion with her. This is a pressure flip; she abandoned the marriage, not you, so it's on her to accept your conditions. Broken record any attempt to argue or negotiate.

If she or others try to dispute the terms of a "proper christian marriage" or her wedding vows, you might respond (if it's true for you)

"I have read the scriptures carefully, and thought and prayed about it, and this is how I believe God intends a proper christian marriage to be. It's what my conscience believes, and it's not open to discussion."

[deleted] · 2017-04-21T16:42:32+00:00

Are you asking: How do I DEER to my wife if she finds out?

RuleZeroDAD · 2017-04-21T21:03:26+00:00

Own that shit like a man and access my fuck you fund. She knows I'm both an attorney, and good father, so going to the Court to fuck with custody would do no good.

We both have infidelity as a hard, scorched earth boundary, so I expect her to file, as she would I, if she cheated.

Everyone has a contingency plan, right? Also a firm boundary on adultery? Didn't think so.

LaLongCarabine · 2017-04-21T23:11:48+00:00

IDGAF, I'm to that point.

[deleted] · 2017-04-21T20:17:41+00:00

Same as TFA, more or less.

"It happened. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." And then live my life without groveling or supplicating or submitting to a "plan" of "accountability". "No, you cannot monitor my phone."

"If you cannot forgive me, and you can't get past it, then start the divorce paperwork and we'll get this done. No, I am not leaving the house. If you want a divorce, you move out."

[deleted] · 2017-04-22T15:06:12+00:00

edit:

Eta: maybe more specifically what if she asked you to leave the house? Or to monitor your phone? Or things like that.

No, its (presumably if I wasn't retarded) my house.

No

No, because I won't live like a criminal. Don't promise monogamy if you can't deliver.

bowhunter6 · 2017-04-22T17:21:48+00:00

Own it and maintain a fucking titanium frame. Give the most basic apology possible (mistakes were made, lol). I straight up told mine when she asked if I was seeing other women after banging her after I told her I wanted a divorce. We are still together 6 months later. I hear about it every day in some form or another, usually small comfort tests. Pass the shit tests according to the sidebar, give comfort when necessary, be attractive, be OI, be a fucking strong man and you can get through it, and easier than you think, if you aren't a pussy about it.

Strong attractive men get away with murder, weakness and ugliness are punished mercilessly. It's just the way life is. Make sure you are in the first category.

RBuddDwyer · 2017-04-25T02:45:04+00:00

I've actually thought a lot about this. I've never cheated, but I'm not sure how much of that is lack of opportunity vs. me choosing to hold up my end of our vows. I personally think she has already violated her vows by withholding sex, but I digress...

I would absolutely own it. I would tell her confidently that I did, and maybe tell her why I did it. I would probably insist on getting divorced no matter what she offered, as I would have already checked out of the marriage by the time I cheated. I also would not want to give her any leverage over me going forward. No negotiation, no demands, no groveling, no monitoring, just, "this is it, I'm done." I'd continue to sleep in my bed in my home until it is advantageous for me to move out. There are only two problems with this: first, in order to divorce in my state, one of us has to move out. There is no instant divorce. There must be a complete separation before a final divorce can be granted. And second, my state has a procedure where one spouse can essentially "evict" the other spouse from the home if that spouse refuses to leave. I think one of the grounds for that is infidelity. But I would absolutely make her do that unless it was advantageous for me to leave.

As for the rest of it, I've worked through my state's divorce laws, and have a general idea of what I am in for, and I am prepared to accept whatever comes of that process. For me, my freedom and dignity are worth more than any amount of money she could exact from me.

[deleted] · 2017-04-21T20:15:10+00:00

A friend of mine's affair was discovered a few years ago. They tried to work things out which consisted of him profusely apologizing every day, and agreeing to let her track his every whereabouts (and she would do drive by's to make sure he was where his phone said he was).

Your friend got divorced not only because he cheated and broke his promise to his wife; but also because of his reaction to her response to finding out about it. What your friend should have done was own it, admit to it, apologize one time, and one time only, and promise not to do it again. He still might have gotten divorced, but at least he could have done so with some dignity. Instead he chose to emasculate himself, submit himself to her, defer to her, and grovel and supplicate. And he still got divorced. Only with no dignity. In large part because she lacked attraction for him. His groveling and abnegation only made it worse.

If he had owned his shit, he would have had more of a chance to save it.

Title	How would you handle if your wife found out you cheated?
Author	prarrott
Upvotes	8
Comments	38
Date	21 April 2017 03:19 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	askMRP
Link	https://theredarchive.com/post/206255
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/66pufr/how_would_you_handle_if_your_wife_found_out_you/