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Some honest feedback from my wife.

by ImSteveMcQueen | April 11, 2017 | askMRP

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I stumbled upon what appears to be some of my wife's journalling efforts from last weekend. Upon reading I gained some insight into things as she sees them. I'd like to use the information I gained as constructive feedback on my approach to the relationship. I have my own ideas, but I'd like your insight and comments.

  • She calls me a narcissist for taking time for my hobbies and friends over spending (all) my time with her and the kids.

  • She calls me tall and handsome. She kind of thinks my work outs are vain. She resents that I mentioned diet to her and that I've lost weight.

  • She compares me to Blake Shelton. She sees herself as Miranda in many ways. Thinks we could both be happy with other partners, eventually. (I don't think she realizes what her SMV is.) Is drawn to Miranda's angst saying "she is real, she is not superficial, she finds meaning". This is a comment on me (and Blake) that I/he could unplug and move on and not look back. She thinks it is admirable that Miranda had a mourning period.

  • My wife gushes about what a thoughtful, kind, caring boyfriend Miranda has found, Andersen East, how Miranda is probably happy she isn't "walking around a superstar" any more.

  • She goes into how it is so unfair that I won't go to counselling but she does acknowledge that I seem to be working on things by myself.

  • She is very lonely. My wife likes to have pity parties. She listens to public radio and the news and finds bullies and victims. And then she likes to commiserate with the victims and play "woe is them". Verbal pity masturbation. Trump is her favorite bully. Immigrants are the helpless victims. "Isn't it sad ?"

I'm not saying that Trump is right or wrong or that the immigrants are or are not being victimized. In the list of things that matter and that I have control of in my life, this is probably item #147. I would be happy to talk about sports, future plans, things we could do immediately, etc. But she wants to sit and have a pity party.

I refuse to do this with her and so I've been checking myself out to work, hobbies, friends, work out, etc. She is spending a lot of time alone on the couch. I can't really get her off of it.

  • She thinks my leadership is too strong, that I'm not consulting her enough.

  • I'm not vulnerable enough. I don't cry.

  • She thinks I am "playing my cards carefully" in our marriage. I think this is a comment to me ghosting her for bad behaviour or maybe she is sensing I'm getting ready to leave and making preparation.

  • She worries about how the kids will take our separation and divorce if it comes to that.

  • She says that I take too much credit for the work I have done on our house.

  • There isn't a single mention of any responsibility for anything on her part, nor anything that she could do to make things better.

What do you think of all this ? How would you change your approach if you received this feedback ?


Post Information
Title Some honest feedback from my wife.
Author ImSteveMcQueen
Upvotes 16
Comments 63
Date 11 April 2017 07:18 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206295
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/64t18k/some_honest_feedback_from_my_wife/
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Comments

[–]donedreadpirateRed Beret26 points27 points  (6 children) | Copy

Don't change a thing. Keep doing you. If she wants to have pity parties, sitting on the couch fantasizing about how she's a country music star nearing divorce, that's on her. Don't join her fantasy. Live your reality.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 9 points10 points  (5 children) | Copy

This is exactly what I was thinking. I wanted to be sure I wasn't missing something.

[–]WesternhagenWinner14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy

I stumbled upon what appears to be some of my wife's journalling efforts from last weekend.

So you sneaked a look at her journal. It is like an emotional tampon where she pours out her feelz. What a surprise! At least it wasn't full of fantasies about Chad, so that's good.

Now the question is whether or not you can keep your mouth shut and not reveal you read it.

You'd be wise to ignore the written emotional storms just like you ignore the verbal ones.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

This. Unless she left it out for you to read, it's her working through her feelz -- like talking to her girlfriend. Some of it will be honest, some will be exaggerated, and some will just be spilled out to see how it sounds on the page and not just in her head.

You probably don't want her pawing through your pukes and thoughts here on MRP, either. Just let her hamster spin in it's wheel unmolested.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I specialize in STFU.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (5 children) | Copy

She calls me a narcissist for taking time for my hobbies and friends over spending (all) my time with her and the kids.

normal. I have pages of texts on my old phone saying the same.

She calls me tall and handsome. She kind of thinks my work outs are vain. She resents that I mentioned diet to her and that I've lost weight.

Same, except for me not mentionning it

She compares me to Blake Shelton. She sees herself as Miranda in many ways. Thinks we could both be happy with other partners, eventually. (I don't think she realizes what her SMV is.) Is drawn to Miranda's angst saying "she is real, she is not superficial, she finds meaning". This is a comment on me (and Blake) that I/he could unplug and move on and not look back. She thinks it is admirable that Miranda had a mourning period.

No, I only fuck chicks

She goes into how it is so unfair that I won't go to counselling but she does acknowledge that I seem to be working on things by myself.

This is her inner control freak, disregard

She is very lonely. My wife likes to have pity parties. She listens to public radio and the news and finds bullies and victims. And then she likes to commiserate with the victims and play "woe is them". Verbal pity masturbation. Trump is her favorite bully. Immigrants are the helpless victims. "Isn't it sad ?"

She needs friends, either put her in a position to do it, or put her around other chicks for a play date, let her do the rest.

Either way, now that you know you're nothing special, do you feel better?

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

One night when she was mad she told me I was just like Trump. I kinda took it as a compliment !

My wife has friends. Unfortunately, the ones she has are all in really poor relationships. One guy is a quasi drug dealer/grower. Has physically threatened his wife. But his wife won't leave him. My wife likes talking to her a lot. Once I accidentally caught a text on her phone that said something about "Why did we marry such bad men ?" I told my buddy and he snorted out his coffee. WTF ? She likes being a victim.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Keep in mind. Those girls will get in the way of you. Guarantee.

Girls are herd animals, when they divorce, yournchances of her filing increase substantially.

[–]Griever1141 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

My wife has friends. Unfortunately, the ones she has are all in really poor relationships. One guy is a quasi drug dealer/grower. Has physically threatened his wife. But his wife won't leave him. My wife likes talking to her a lot. Once I accidentally caught a text on her phone that said something about "Why did we marry such bad men ?" I told my buddy and he snorted out his coffee. WTF ? She likes being a victim.

Two things. I have never met a woman with ACTUAL "friends." They are acquaintances at BEST. The closest I have found is them with sisters (not brothers). And by "friends" i mean toxic shaming and shitlording spouting about how miserable their husbands are and how they are not treated like princesses. They entire goal is to try and be queen victim of the pity patrol.

Its normal. Remember.... they are the most responsible teenager. Nothing more.

[–]redwall924 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Second the keep doing you. I think you'll know you're in the right place when you see her diary and think to yourself "it doesn't matter what's written in there." Sure .. if she wants to share something from her day, then you might want to show interest in appropriate ways. But there's a sense that her journal shouldn't affect your actions. You've got your plan. Now execute.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your frame is hidden in deep fog and she can't figure out what makes you tick anymore. You're becoming an unknown. Unknown is scary. Scary is not good.

Women like to see how their men tick and how they fit in to your life.

[–]BobbyPeru5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

Miranda and Blake Shelton? She sounds like a 14 yr old girl.

I'd disregard it all and just keep lifting and sidebar... Oh and dread. She doesn't sound concerned about other chicks.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

And MRP draws inspiration from Neo and Tyler Durden -- both adolescent power fantasies.

[–]stonewall19790 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If I have learned anything, its that my wife is the oldest teenager in the house, so is his wife. Its amazing how accurate that is and how it helped change my mindset about dealing with my wife.

[–]Griever1140 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She sounds like a 14 yr old girl.

Considering the shit posted here... does this surprise you?

[–]Starletblonde4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Everything you said about her caused me major eye rolls. Did she really parallel you two to Blake and Miranda?! And then called you Trump?! And she has a journal about her feelz. And she has a therapist. Excuse me while I vomit. 🤢

I don't know how you have managed to stay this long. Run and run now. The kids will get over it if you don't checkout on them. Don't try to fix it, she isn't worth the effort. Beside, she hates you already and women hold grudges. They may play nice after a reconciliation period but that shit will sneak out one day and smack you and you'll think - fuck! I wasted all this time.

Also, most women die and become someone else entirely after kids. Kids are generally the death of the women you once knew. On rare occasions the new women is tolerable and can make a decent first mate.

You are enabling her by staying and dragging around a ball n chain on your ankle at the same time.

Liberate yourself.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

there's no way he's trump.

trump has a smoking hot european wife and a billionaire lifestyle. not quite sure how being compared to trump is an insult tbqh.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Also, most women die and become someone else entirely after kids. Kids are generally the death of the women you once knew.

Never seen this stated quite so bluntly; but I have to agree with it AS IT RELATES TO THEIR HUSBAND, but not as it relates to her interactions with others.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (10 children) | Copy

She says that I take too much credit for the work I have done on our house.

did you do it or didn't you?

100% or not .

love it .

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 2 points3 points  (9 children) | Copy

I fucking killed it ! It pisses her off when I am successful and other people acknowledge me.

[–]TexasThomas4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

that's a bad sign....so the more successful you are, the more attractive you get, the more improvements you make, the more resentful she gets..... Talk about being an immature child....she was supposed to love you for better or for worse; but you getting better just makes it worse...that's messed up.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

^ This. I'm glad I found her notes bc it confirms a lot of things for me.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Did you ever think she wasn't really hiding it?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Between you and Perseus we have the bs mostly covered

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

wtf is this? can't say my wife is dislikes me being successful or other people acknowledging it, so I guess you're referring to the bravado

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I think I was referring to family bs. But that was 5 days ago. I have no recollection counselor

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

lmao, it's not like I have never been called a "big feeling son of a bitch" IRL . . .

part and parcel of Napoleon complex

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"big feeling son of a bitch"

" if you were just a bit taller"

15-20 min later :

"I did not know anyone can DO THAT!"

[–]JackGetsIt3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

You could probably being doing the exact opposite of everything you're doing and she'd have the same negative whiny journal notes ("he's so fat and lazy, I'm not attracted any more!...He doesn't go out at all, I'm so tired of him always being around!!"). She's just depressed and unhappy and taking it out on you.

Keep doing what you're doing.

I couldn't help but read between the lines as I read her notes. Here's my take:

She calls me tall and handsome. She kind of thinks my work outs are vain. She resents that I mentioned diet to her and that I've lost weight.

"I don't like my own appearance and your focus on health makes me feel doubly shitty for not being healthy myself. Why can't you get fat and lazy like every other guy out there? You're so much better looking it makes me worried you will leave me for someone else.

She calls me a narcissist for taking time for my hobbies and friends over spending (all) my time with her and the kids.

"Most of my friends have married, divorced, or betafied their husbands by now and control them them like a scared personal slave. I've failed so far at doing this which makes me less of a women in my circle. Why do you continue to be such a masculine man? I want what I can't have can't you see that?

She thinks I am "playing my cards carefully" in our marriage. I think this is a comment to me ghosting her for bad behaviour or maybe she is sensing I'm getting ready to leave and making preparation.

"Why can't you be a dumb guy like every other husband out there and do stupid stuff that I can conflate and use against you? I might want to divorce you or break you and you don't give me much leverage. Why are you so on guard? Are you cheating? What are you hiding?

She worries about how the kids will take our separation and divorce if it comes to that.

This is just a hardcore comfort test. She's testing to see your reaction to her basically saying that you're both headed to divorce. My response to this would basically just be amused mastery/pressure flip. "This is news to me...So, when did you decide that we were getting a divorce me?"

Post like this make me realize how bad of a deal most men are walking into with women. Traditionally women at least kept an air of respect towards husbands even if they were going through depression. Today it's just considered normal to 'break' your husband and use him until he cracks and either runs or give you a reason to divorce him and take his resources. There are no good older female role models to teach women how to respect their husbands anymore and be good first mates to their male captains. It's a sad state of affairs.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There are no good older female role models to teach women how to respect their husbands anymore and be good first mates to their male captains. It's a sad state of affairs.

Truth. And the world is filled with picky veggie vegan feminist power women that get a huge voice. Angelina Jolie is a good example. Women get hurt when a man stands up for himself.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

gushes about what a thoughtful, kind, caring boyfriend Miranda has found

They are NEVER happy. If they have a tall Alpha DNGAF kind of fun guy they will pine for a short and sturdy appreciative listens to me kind of guy.

Once you understand that you realize all of these writings are nothing but HAMSTER.

You can use some of the information she provided without telling her.

She is very lonely. My wife likes to have pity parties.

Can you spend more time with her or get her something to do? Idle hands are the Devil's workshop.

Fuck it. All of this is hamsterbait. I wouldn't change a damn thing. Bitches gonna bitch. Would you worry if you read this in your teenagers diary?

Give her a copy of First Kill All the Marriage Counselors.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Give her a copy of First Kill All the Marriage Counselors.

That is golden. I'm going to do it.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Give her a copy of First Kill All the Marriage Counselors.

This was GOLDEN advice. Thanks for taking the time to share it. Might have saved my relationship. I owe you one.

Here is the sequel to the story. https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/67b7ua/fr_she_folded_like_a_cheap_lawn_chair/

[–]MindfulStoic1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Curious what's the sex life like? How does that play into all this, if at all?

[–]stonewall19790 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

The sex life is at best secondary to his personal progress. Its been said many times, we come to MRP to find ways to get better or more sex and stay for the lessons in self improvement. Who cares how much sex he gets so long as he is becoming a better man? If she goes for a divorce, the new SteveMcqueen will be in the position to find a little fuck bunny or two to make up for what he missed out on while married. If not her hamster will suddenly find the new, improved Steve more attractive and want to fuck him like a horny teenager.

[–]MindfulStoic0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Did OP say that the sex life doesn't matter to him? The fact of whether or not he has been using MRP to improve his sex life with his wife, and to what degree it has or hasn't worked, should be relevant context here.

[–]stonewall19790 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

In another of his replies in the thread he said he moved out of the bedroom and has stopped initiating. I would guess that sex is important to him, as it is most all men. But from his post history it looks like he is going to fall into the "MRP can't save your marriage, but can make you a better man for your next relationship" category, unless he can lead his wife to have an epiphany about their marriage and she chooses to make improvements in herself.

[–]MindfulStoic2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Then OP needs to make up his mind on what he wants, no?

If he wants to stay in the marriage then he needs to move back in the bedroom, continue with the self improvement, focus on dread, lead and initiate. If he wants out he should begin the divorce process. If divorce is not possible due to financial reasons then he needs to begin taking action to fix that.

Shit or get off the pot either way. The current status seems like a limbo hell.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nothing interesting. If she wants to be a miserable person, that's on her. Fuck her.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 1 point2 points  (16 children) | Copy

Thanks for all the replies.

I agree with what you guys are saying. The sad part is the relationship is in a tailspin and I don't think we are going to pull out. I don't feel I can or should revert on anything I'm doing and she is so pissed at me for not playing her game, all she wants is scorched earth.

I could save the relationship if I went beta, apologized, went to counselling, let her guilt me into a bunch of things and gave her all the power in the relationship. But that isn't going to happen.

Tonight I stepped out to buy a weight bench I found on CL. Got a smoking good deal. When I came in the front door with it, she cursed at me and said I spend too much time on my hobbies. I said she could use it to start improving her lifts ! The back story to that is that she is 40 pounds overweight, has absolutely no muscle and is probably pre diabetic. Won't work out. Eats nothing but carbs. Puts sugar in her coffee. Can't run around the block. Yet sat and watched Colbert for an hour tonight after yakking on the phone for 2 hours, probably about how bad I am.

I moved out of the bedroom after Christmas. It just felt like the right thing to do. I stopped initiating. I'm not physically attracted to her and initiating was just giving her reasons to turn me down. I moved to the other bedroom in a totally non butt hurt way.

We have history. She can be a good woman if she wants to. I'm hoping one day she wakes up and asks me what she needs to do to keep the relationship going. But as long as in her mind I'm the asshole, I'm the one not going to counselling, I'm the emotionally distant one, that isn't going to happen. In the meantime, I'm just letting things play out.

I keep coming back to thinking there must be a way to get her to see another side of things, but you guys are right. I can't change her. Especially not her. I can only change me.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I have to mention how powerful the RP techniques have been.

STFU is golden. It really helped me to see what was really going on. When you are defending yourself you (I) get caught up in winning the argument and making a point. But when you STFU, my brain stops defending and spends a lot more time analyzing what is really being said. And that is when you see what is being said for what it really is.

Ghosting is fantastic because it gets you away from the toxic atmosphere. You stop living "there". If wife is pissy, you don't go to bed frustrated and angry because you get away from pissy wife and do something you enjoy or improve your life.

Developing friends and interests is fantastic too because it gives you perspective and other sources of acknowledgment. One of Rollo's blogs talked about giving back to people. I do a sport with about 20 other guys and I've helped quite a few of them. None of those guys think I'm a narcissist, mostly because I don't have to strictly enforce my boundaries with them like I have to with my wife.

Lifting and getting into shape is probably the best medicine there is for anger, sleep and figuring things out. I love the quiet calm I get after a big workout.

I've still got a lot to learn, but these things were a huge help getting to this point.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (12 children) | Copy

So put a bullet in this one then. Moving out of the bedroom is only going to reinforce that you are done in this marriage. I suspect that she's in a constant state of comfort test right now (not good or bad) and she has no sign either way you want to continue. So she's taking the war widow path, and rationalizing to herself why you suck.

/u/BluepillProfessor has outlined the 12 steps of dread. Where are you on that? Do you want her in your life?

At this rate you will not save this. She's panicked, and you are committing one giant covert contract; "Look how awesome my life is! Sooner or later she'll come around and want to fuck me."

These guys are all right in the fact that if she's a miserable bitch that's on her, but you need to lead one way or the other. She's a spoiled little girl grumbling because Daddy changed the rules on her but she doesn't quite know what they all are yet.

Question: Do you want to end it, or not? Because until you honestly answer that you're going to just float along in purgatory and it will decide itself, probably for the worst.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

I'm not willing to stay in it the way it is/was. I'm hoping she comes around. Doubt it though.

I'm not giving her much or any comfort. I don't see that she is throwing out any test either. Not sure what I should be doing about that.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

I'm hoping she comes around...

And that is how the covert contract starts. Women smell this desperation like rotten fish in the garbage can. She doesn't trust you to be genuine and authentic, because your actions demonstrate you're not.

Move back into the bedroom or move out of the house. Right now you're halfway in and she sees it for what it is.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

How the heck is moving back into the bedroom going to help this ? Im listening.

FWIW, I think she is pissed and on the verge of lawyering up.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Moving out was like saying "I'm taking my ball and going home!" it was petty and childish. You should always be initiating. How do you do that if you're not even present?

Sometime you need to be blunt about your intentions.

"I'm all in of you are. I'm moving back into the bedroom and I intend to live as husband and wife. What are your intentions wife?"

Get your best WISNIFG on. Get ready for the bullshit, the hamstering and deflection. It's not in her nature to own her shit, but you need to hold her accountable.

There's a common misconception that in MRP you can passive dread your way out of everything but it's wrong. She flailing, your leadership here needs to step up because the crew is about to commit an insurrection.

I suspect you don't want to do the work so you're poisoning the well. I don't care either way but I can tell you the path you are on now will not get you to rule zero with your current wife. So if you want to get out, go. But if you want in, this is not the path.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Moving out was like saying "I'm taking my ball and going home!" it was petty and childish. You should always be initiating. How do you do that if you're not even present?

I haven't initiated since Christmas. I'll start again.

Sometime you need to be blunt about your intentions. "I'm all in of you are. I'm moving back into the bedroom and I intend to live as husband and wife. What are your intentions wife?"

I been avoiding all speeches and discussions. Acta non verba. I'll do this.

Get your best WISNIFG on. Get ready for the bullshit, the hamstering and deflection. It's not in her nature to own her shit, but you need to hold her accountable.

There's a common misconception that in MRP you can passive dread your way out of everything but it's wrong.

This is the first I've heard of that. Tell me more.

She flailing, your leadership here needs to step up because the crew is about to commit an insurrection.

I can see that she is fed up and about to bolt. I've just been doing passive dread, letting things play out. I need some coaching here.

I suspect you don't want to do the work so you're poisoning the well. I don't care either way but I can tell you the path you are on now will not get you to rule zero with your current wife. So if you want to get out, go. But if you want in, this is not the path.

I feel my first responsibility is to try to make the relationship good for her and for me. If that doesn't work, I'm out. I think I should still be efforting, if only for the sake of the kids. I won't stay in it for the sake of the kids if it is bad, but I'll work at making it better for their sake. If it works, it works.

I'm listening and my sleeves are rolled up. How do I proceed ?

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

by moving to the other bedroom, you've basically deferred leadership and said "ball is in your court."

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I like to remind people that hope isn't a method.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

She's a spoiled little girl grumbling because Daddy changed the rules on her but she doesn't quite know what they all are yet.

What do you suggest I do ?

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

See what I wrote below. I'll add to it with this:

"I want an awesome marriage. Im working to be the best man I can be. If I'm doing my best, than that's best for my family. I may make a mistake here and there but that's my plan"

That's what I said to my wife after she said I was an asshole. It's also the point where my marriage changed for the better.

There was a bunch of crying and hamstering but I held her accountable for her actions. I out my needs to her. I kept it simple.

"I need you to do do x, either you can or you can't."

If she countered with "well I need you to do y, before I do x" I would push back.

"this is not a transaction. Either you can or you can't. "

There comes a point where you need to start establishing boundaries. Of you can't or won't, that's OK too, but you need to recognize that.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I can't see this discussion going well at all, but I'll do it. She wants me to give back all the RP stuff I've been doing. Not going to happen. And when I don't concede on that stuff, she is going to label me an asshole and stay stuck in victimhood. "See what an asshole you are ?"

The other thing is she made a shitty career decision back in October and now wants me to make an equally shitty change. As far as I am concerned, I maximize my career how I see fit. She's pissed I don't listen to her. Never mind she made her career change without really discussing it with me. Now she regrets making the change. Some of what she is venting at me is coming from her work.

The root issue we are dealing with here is that I'm no longer her little BP boy. Not that I ever really was, but now I'm really not. In her mind everything that I do for myself is bad. "If you really care about your family, why are you out with your buddies, working out, doing things away from us ? Why aren't you home sitting here doing nothing, waiting on us hand and foot, bonding with me with my pity stories and doing everything I ask you to do ? " It is a classical feminist argument to keep BP men in their roles.

She is a feminist. Her father was very BP. I'm the only husband in her group that has muscles and is so defiant. This isn't going to fly. But I'll try.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can't ...But I'll try.

This whole diatribe is her, her, her. Let your ego go and ask yourself, "Do I want this? Do I really want to put effort into something? Is that effort worth it or can I move on to create something better?" If not, go get divorce papers and be done. Otherwise step up and be a captain.

 

Again, if you want to move forward and make an effort to save the marriage you need to stop being petty and start assuming the role of captain. A good captain addresses the crew, sets the mission and lets his first officer know his expectations. My wife is very clear on her role in the marriage, her first job health and safety of the crew, her second job intimacy with me, finally everything else. I constantly remind her of this as she is focused in the now and sometimes loses vision of the mission.

WISNIFG is your friend. You need to FOG, and BROKEN RECORD and all those good things. Learn to listen first to what she says then move to resolution. Remember she's not conveying content unless forced, so often just acknowledging that she's feeling something is enough.

"I feel like you're all about you lately."

"Hmm, I can see how you feel that way"

"Well how's that supposed to make me feel?"

"Hmm, I don't know. Your feelings are yours and you are definitely entitled to them."

"Exactly! So you see how you are making me feel."

"No hun, I can't be responsible for your feelings. But if you have a need, I can hopefully fill that."

 

Again, this was more or less a conversation I had with my wife. In the end, she needs to own her responsibilities, and you yours. My wife still occasionally tries to make me own her feelings, and this is a no-go for me. "Babe, only you can fulfill your own happiness. But if you want to come along for the ride with me, we can have a great time."

You should have a divorce plan written up. You should know all your options right now, as a man with options makes good decisions. Once you have it all lined up, have the main event. Tell her she's in or out; her choice. Offer no conciliation, just choice. "I'm here to give 100% if you are too." If she says no, give her the papers. You may see how she truly feels when handed the papers, as a woman who is already made the decision to leave will usually be relieved. My wife on the other hand figured it out and came to me desperate to make it work.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe you need to give her hamster a nudge to find its way out of the maze.

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/374wln/what_we_talk_about_when_we_talk_about_dread_13/?st=J1EXO639&sh=3da69d3d

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

So.. I have to ask, why don't you have a girlfriend or a plate yet?

[–]Griever1141 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Working as intended. If she wants to be miserable, thats her fucking problem. You are too busy being awesome.

Had my main event a few weeks ago and it was the same shit.

Playing the victim, excuse after excuse. No accountability (shocker...). Decided to try and blame me for cheating for doing my own thing (im not). The shit was fucking textbook MRP. I had to stop myself from laughing at the situation because it was an exact copy of the stuff you hear here: why are you dressing better, why are you losing weight, why are you spending so much time in the gym, why are you not front row center for my pity/victim party, etc etc....

Your main even is coming my friend. Make sure you are ready :)

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So what happened with yours ?

[–]Griever1143 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

TLDR version: "Im taking care of myself health and enjoying my life. being horribly overweight is fucking up this family and you wont take responsibility for it so no wonder you think im looking to trade up. i wont let your misery drag me down anymore. i dont have time for your victim/pity party. If you want change... make the change and stop blaming everyone else when you fuck up. If you dont like any of this, door is that way. im here and vested in this relationship so long as you put in the effort as well."

these were big bullet points. some say, walk out when they are in a position to "leave." i refuse to leave the home i worked hard to build. she wants out, door is that way.

[–]nantucketghost1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

deleted What is this?



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