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Epiphany: need to decide where to go next with my marriage

Reddit View
March 21, 2017
9 upvotes

I had an epiphany today. Over the past few weeks I've become aware of the fact that I've been harboring a lot of resentment toward my wife for things that happened over the 6 years of our relationship. Today I realized that I don't resent her--I resent my old BP-self for allowing myself to put up with all of it. I can't even be mad at her... AWALT. I was just a total beta push over and let myself put up with all her BS over the years.

I entered this relationship 6 years ago with the scarcity mentality. I felt that she was special, that she would be the one, and I put up with a lot of shit that in hindsight I shouldn't have. I did it because she was my oneitis and I was terrified of losing her. Of being single again... of being thrust back into the SMP. Reading the sidebar and the posts on the various RP subs have been eye opening and have stirred up a lot of stuff I compartmentalized away over the years. She did things that hurt, that sucked, and that were upsetting to me. Her actions showed that she had wavering interest in me... and that she quite possibly cheated on me. But I put up with it. Because... scarcity mentality, oneitis, you name it. Fuck. Below are some of the 'highlights' of the BS that I put up with.

  • Her suddenly being too busy to spend time together. I believed her hamstering about her new classes in grad school being too time consuming. I pushed to spend more time together and kept pursuing her, probably coming across as needy. Today I would withdraw attention and start cultivating other options.
  • Her suddenly acting sketchy when her CC-girlfriend was in town, then telling me she needed space... and then she broke up with me. Well, sort of. She needed time alone to "figure things out", so we were on a break. I, terrified at the prospect of losing her, complied. I even took her back a week later when she wanted to get back together. Today, I would have nexted her and moved on.
  • Fuck me, this one is the hardest. She left for a week-long training for her new job post graduation. When she came back I found a hotel room key with a guy's name printed on it. I confronted her about it in a non-accusatory way, and she insisted that it was just the key that she was issued--It must've been the person who had the room before her or some nonsense, and assured me that nothing happened. She seemed surprised that my head even went there. I believed her and didn't press further for fear of being needy or insecure. At that point I began to check her phone and FB messages from time to time to see if there was anything going on... I never found any evidence.

All of the above happened ~5 years ago, and over the span of about a year. I compartmentalized it all away... and now I'm at a loss.

Through all of these years, I held out and today we're married. And it kills me. It kills me that I let myself get walked over like that over the years. I don't resent her, I resent myself for it. We shouldn't be together--I should've nexted her way back then. Her actions at the very least demonstrated that she wasn't that into me. And I'll never know if something went down in that hotel but will forever suspect it.

Today... thanks to TRP, we're having sex regularly and I've self-improved to the point where I can pull other girls at/above the wife's attractiveness level. I feel confident that I can lead us in a RP marriage. But I don't know if I can ever fully let go of what happened in the past.

I'm trying to figure out how to move forward from here. I really want to press her about the hotel incident... I want closure.

Edits: We've been married 7 months. No kids, no mortgage. We came into the marriage with roughly equal finances.


Post Information
Title Epiphany: need to decide where to go next with my marriage
Author LymanRP
Upvotes 9
Comments 31
Date 21 March 2017 05:32 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206379
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/60lupu/epiphany_need_to_decide_where_to_go_next_with_my/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
betascarcityAWALThamstercheatingthe red pill
Comments

[–]TaistoKarhu8 points9 points  (8 children) | Copy

Let it go man. First of all, pressing her over the issue probably will not yield any results except you undoing good work and falling balls deep in her frame again. I remember reading somewhere, it's only reasonable to press someone like that only when you know the answer already. So you need hard evidence, which you won't get anymore.

Second of all you need to understand that there might be dozens of cases like this that you are not even aware of. Or there may be not, but the point is that you need to get to a place in your head where you don't care.

I'm not sure whats the magical key to reach this place since I'm working on it myself and have almost identical past with my wife to yours or worse. I realize now its simply very hard to pick up a relationship from the state where my old blue pill beta self left it at. But for me, overcoming these obstacles in my head is important work to do on my rp journey.

Mostly I'm just pushing these issues aside and focusing on improving. I figure once I'm 'there', I can really make a choice then if I have want to continue this relationship built on bp foundation or pursuit a new one, but right now its only important to be able to overcome these issues in my head.

As /u/firetempered said in my similar post "How to swalllow the 'people cheat' pill?", its just bullshit smokescreen to keep you from growing. Check my post out, great advice there. Came a long way since that, still have a million miles to go too.

https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5sl5sv/how_to_swallow_the_people_cheat_pill/?st=J0J601DG&sh=5e6699a3

[–]BobbyPeru7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

the point is that you need to get to a place in your head where you don't care.

This. You don't have any proof and probably will never have any proof that she cheated. Work on yourself and you will start to get to a point where you DGAF what happens because you'll be so awesome that it won't matter

[–]LymanRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Work on yourself and you will start to get to a point where you DGAF what happens because you'll be so awesome that it won't matter

Yep, that makes sense, and I'm almost there today. I know that if she cheated or pulled any of that BS today, then I'd be out the door. I know my value on the market today. What's tough is knowing that I should have ended it 5 years ago but I pressed ahead.

[–]drty_prRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not sure whats the magical key to reach this place

This echoes my past as well. I've found that a true IDGAF attitude did it for me. She may have? She may not have? The past is the past. Unless the doc shows up in his DeLorean, you'll never know; cause as we know, admission of guilt isn't of the female nature. So if she does confess, it's over because she is begging you to leave her. It's a lose/lose to care one bit.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The point is to not worry about it, because if she does, you are out the door swimming in pussy in a month.

Of course, 5 years is better late than never

[–]LymanRP[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I read your post... definitely very similar to my situation.

I thought that a lot of the AWALT philosophy didn't apply to my wife because she was a virgin when we met.

The reason I'm stuck on the potential cheating is that finding proof makes the hard decision for me. If I have a confession or hard evidence that it 100% happened, then I can immediately end things with full justification. I understand how much this rationale an excuse/cop out for not making a hard decision on my own.

I have to accept that I'll never know 100% one way or the other. What I am 100% certain of is that at times her actions indicated that she wasn't that into me. Whether or not she just flirted with other dudes or banged them, her actions showed that she was not attracted to me.

If she displayed any of the behavior I described in the original post today, then I would begin to plan my exit immediately.

[–]TaistoKarhu1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Of course if you could know that something like that happened with 100%, you'd only have one choice. But remember that something like that may have happened with 100% that you have no clue of. You need to work on accepting that she may have cheated on you or not, as this is the case with all women we are with always. Don't get hung up on it. Just because you fear that your SO may have cheated on you is in my view a stupid reason to eject, because obviously you have lots of work to do since this is such a big issue for you. Until it's done you won't know because you are a victim of your own fear and resentment right now.

I think that women are reactive creatures and the way she acted then is just a reflection of how you were. I'm 100% sure that if you (or me in my history of this relationship) had been rp back in the day the relationship would have played out totally differently. I don't think there's anything to gain from the blame game, these disrespectful women haven't essentially done anything abnormal, they've just been women and that's how they are. Without leadership, put on a pedestal, they act out.

Also, the way you word how you would "If she displayed any of the behavior I described in the original post today, then I would begin to plan my exit immediately.", it's still a reactive mindset. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but your mind is very much stuck in the way she is and the relationship is. It should almost be a nonfactor right now for you right now. Especially if you are truely considering leaving her, then it should not matter to you at all. You should rather take the most of the use she has as a "sparring partner" in your rp journey as you are free to fuck up with her then.

Anyway, be very careful always not to make children with this woman. You will most likely want to next her when the time is right and the work is done.

Read and lift, bro. Just push the issue aside and focus on improving yourself. When you are stronger you will handle this with ease. If you haven't, Married Man Sex Life Primer has a lot of stomach twisting chapters about cheating, but somehow after accepting the reality of such things, it's been easier to let it go.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Are you really suggesting he improve a marriage where his wife is obviously serially cheating on him?

[–]TaistoKarhu0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Where's the evidence? And even if she is, I'm not at all suggesting improving this relationship. I'm suggesting improving himself. By the sound of it, he's not a complete rp man yet. In fact I'm suggesting the complete opposite - improve himself and without shame practice catch and release, dread etc. Then when he's ready and a new man, he should dump this woman and move on. No kids no fuss so why the hell stay. I know in my case and probably his that if I'd leave now when the work is not done, i would find myself in another shitty bp relationship in a few years again and it was all for nothing.

Just saying, it's a lot more reasonable to leave this relationship ripped as fuck, got his shit together, nice fuck you fund, promotion and most of all his biggest problem in life is not if a woman cheated him or not back in his bp days, but who of the 5 bitches DTF in his phone should he call first.

Of course if solid evidence comes about a man can only choose to leave.

[–]creating_my_life6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Any kids?

Don't get caught up in the sunk-cost fallacy.

I worry if you man-up too much, and confront her, she'll magically get pregnant.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Step one. Lift

Step two. Read more. Look up "Saving Her Best". "Book of Pook"

Step Three. Determine what kind of life you want - without her. What happens if she died tomorrow ? You are on your own and in the market again. With out her. Remember that

Step Four- realize and accept you cannot change the past. It is gone. Visiting it with her reltelling lies, fiction of her versions, allows her to pull you into her frame.

Step 5. Conquer this relationship. Do not get her pregnant. When she operates in your frame you are ready.

Step Six. In the future, post about you with little mention of her. Head over to Own Your Shit. It's where the men, not the boys, learm to accept what they want and set a course for it

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ignore the past for a minute. Would you marry her again, today? Does she add value to your life today?

Don't stick around because you're unsure or indecisive. If she's wife material today then stay and forget the past. If she's not wife material today then get out before you get more entangled.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

I want closure.

Let that go, Live like a Cohen brothers movie. It either bothers you enough to leave, or you let it go and move on. If you can't let it go, then all you have is fear of pulling the trigger, deal with that

Her suddenly acting sketchy when her CC-girlfriend was in town, then telling me she needed space... and then she broke up with me. Well, sort of. She needed time alone to "figure things out"

Also, no doubt, she got random dick, possibly even known dick from that guy you know. 100%. Now that you aren't bullshitting yourself, what do you do with this? Add insult to injury, how closely do these align with your kids?

[–]LymanRP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No kids, so no worries there fortunately.

Also, no doubt, she got random dick, possibly even known dick from that guy you know. 100%. Now that you aren't bullshitting yourself, what do you do with this?

If that happened today, then I'd begin to plot my exit. The challenge is figuring out what to do given that it very likely happened 5 years ago... but that I will never have proof.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

So when is the timeline, when she was allowed to get dick and you be OK with it?

Asking for proof is a shit stance to take anyways... Guys used to do it all the time on here. Well she lied where she was, and they would move the goalposts, but she never made out with him. Wait, she made out with him, but she never fucked him. Well she fucked him, but it was only about the sex.

I'm not going to call you a cuck on this, but you have to find your line, and make it solid. It doesn't need proof, it needs to meet your judgement of acceptable behaviour, thats it. It doesn't have to be rational, logical, there is no burden of proof. It only has to be yours. Masculine doesn't mean 'in a court of law'. If you want to divorce her because she uses teeth on a blowjob, it's no ones job to say fuck all about that.

YOU ARE YOUR OWN JUDGE

And then live with your own boundaries, otherwise, you will not be respected, and she will call your bluff 100%.

This mindset is why 'trickle truth' is a thing. She literally tests, AFTER THE FACT, what behaviour you are willing to put up with, even though she may have blown past the boundary without a second thought.

I'm saying this from experience. The 100% worst thing you can do is not enforce your boundaries because of fear of being alone, of making her mad (which she will be if you file) or the difficulty and work involved, one way or the other.

Because you're supposed to be the fucking prize, and work your ass off to meet that standard 'in your eyes'. You prove it by having people in your life give you value, and you give them yours in return.

Either way, sort this out, articulate your thoughts, and follow them through.

This is simple, but it's not easy.

[–]ArchwingerRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Women take breaks from relationships to make themselves available for other men. They don't take breaks to be alone and watch television.

You know this. But you also knew it when you married her, and you married her anyway.

But that doesn't matter now, right? Because you're large and in charge of your marriage? Your wife fucks you nightly, however you want? Every time the two of you are alone together, your hands, mouth, and dick go wherever you want, and "no" isn't a word in her vocabulary? She defers to your leadership, not just in private but in front of others? You own her, you give her tasks to do, and she does them, and she is happy with the situation, because under your care, she can let go, be free, be herself, and be fully confident that all of the shit in her life is handled, and all she needs to do is let you handle shit and lead her and pitch in with whatever you instruct her to do?

Right? All of this is true?

[–]LymanRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You know this. But you also knew it when you married her, and you married her anyway.

Hindsight is always 20-20, and I didn't become RP-aware until after my wedding day.

Right? All of this is true?

I'm getting there, but am not 100% there yet.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children) | Copy

I've been in your shoes and its maddening. You find TRP and realize that all these relationship problems were very predictable given your weak frame and also entirely fixable if you only knew what to do at the time.

Then you think back to what YOU hamstered and you discover a cold case of likely infidelity. You can't ask about it now, that's going to look weak and set you way back and let's face it, you won't ever get the truth out of a woman anyway.

Let it go because if you can't let the past go, it will destroy you. TRP shows you that women cheating has nothing to do with a mans value and a new relationship was born when you unplugged and became more of a man with alpha behaviour.

If you can't move on silently, then dump her ass and give no reasons. You can't get closure nor can you punish a woman with anything but your absence.

Its OK bro, all women cheat on weak men. Don't beat yourself up when you can just move forward. With or without her. She doesn't matter (to your happiness) much anymore anyway.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Absolutely solid advice here. ++

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

you dont think he shud talk it over with her and a therapist and look for healing?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You've decided, but you're still too weak to move on the direction you need to. You absolutely do NOT need more information about the hotel room. I'm guessing you're too weak to do anything with it anyway. You're at the brink and you're looking for any reason to convince yourself to stay married.
More lifting for you and STFU.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yes, you have to let it go. Why?

You cannot prove she did or that she didn't.

You CAN prove that you are not the uber-beta you once were. But not by ever addressing this.....ever.

The only thing you CAN prove, is that you WERE a blue pill mangina at the time. Don't prove that.

Let it go. Concentrate on something that you know you can succeed at, improving you.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

harboring a lot of resentment toward my wife for things that happened over the 6 years of our relationship.

No good can ever come of this. You need to put your behind in your past and Hakuna Matata.

[–]anotherswingingdick1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If i was in your shoes, i'd immediately divorce her. just because of doubts. "If there's any doubt, then there is no doubt".

Then let her spend the next 20 years fucking my brains out, to earn me back.

You haven't changed at all. She's not scared of losing you. She learned real good, that she can do anything, and never get punished.

"press her about the incident" Ok, what if she says, "yeah, I fucked the guy. So sorry!" And if she says no..... will your doubts go away?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I had an epiphany today. Over the past few weeks I've become aware of the fact that I've been harboring a lot of resentment toward my wife for things that happened over the 6 years of our relationship. Today I realized that I don't resent her--I resent my old BP-self for allowing myself to put up with all of it. I can't even be mad at her... AWALT. I was just a total beta push over and let myself put up with all her BS over the years.

Yes. Exactly. Now run with that.

She left for a week-long training for her new job post graduation. When she came back I found a hotel room key with a guy's name printed on it. .... she insisted that it was just the key that she was issued--It must've been the person who had the room before her or some nonsense, and assured me that nothing happened. She seemed surprised that my head even went there. I believed her and didn't press further for fear of being needy or insecure. At that point I began to check her phone and FB messages from time to time to see if there was anything going on... I never found any evidence.

Oh. OK.

Do you have kids? if so, consider divorce. Because if you can't, or won't, let it go, that's where you're headed anyway. If you let this fester inside you, it'll eat you away. Bottom line is you'll probably never know whether she cheated on that week away, unless she confesses it. And she will never confess it to you if she did cheat.

If you get past this, and stay with her, fine, but make clear that cheating will be absolutely unacceptable, and if you have even a suspicion of it, it's done.

Let it go, for your own sake. Not even for your marriage or for her. For yours.

[–]TotesMessenger0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Victim factory. Oh Hell No! OP, when the bloops and the Merps both call you and agree on something it may be time for an attitude course adjustment.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

broken cunts are right twice a day

[–]LymanRP[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Look, I'm just an anonymous username on reddit, so nobody has to believe any of what I say here. What I wrote in that post (and the x-post to AskMRP) reflects what I thought at the time.

I've since realized (thanks to solid advice from this sub and the sidebar) that I was deluding myself and that it was easy to just blame my wife. It was easy to just hit the gym, fantasize about other women and tell myself that I "improved" and that my wife was the problem. It was easy to say that I lost attraction because I got to avoid owning up to the fact that I was still deep down a beta wuss at home and I had no frame whatsoever. If I had left my wife then and picked up some new girl, things would've wound up just the same in the long run.

Since that time, I actually began to lead in my marriage. Things have objectively improved. My wife got nicer and more loving. The sex began to come back, and my sexual attraction towards her has began to come back. There is still work to be done, but it's getting better. My course of action since that first OP has been to keep improving and lead my marriage, and to give it my best to make it into a great one. And only then decide if it's worth staying.

Those memories I spoke of in this post, that shit happened. They made me uneasy then, but I believed her words and the hamster. Hotel key? Has to be an honest mix up. Her wanting space? She was just feeling anxious. Today, I know in hindsight that something was up back then.



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