After a visceral first reaction to NMMNG, I did full initial read-through. I'm now going back through the book very thoroughly with the goal of re-reading 2-3 chapters a week and working all of the related Breaking Free activities to the best of my abilities.
In Chapter 3 I saw so much of my own behavior in the section "Seeking The Approval of Women". Glover introduces the concept he calls the "possibility of availability" where a Nice Guy constantly monitors a woman's sexual availability. Now, this is something I can look back and see has been my standard operating procedure.
In my "Nice Guy Syndrome" recovery, I clearly need to rewrite some internal scripts. So, the question becomes "How do I do that?". Here is a relevant quote from that chapter:
Seeking women's approval requires Nice Guys to constantly monitor the possibility of a woman's availability. The possibility of availability is a term I use to describe the subjective measure of a woman's sexual availability. Since Nice Guys see sex as the ultimate form of acceptance, and they believe a woman must be in a good mood before she will have sex, these men are constantly diligent to not do anything that might upset a woman whom they desire. In addition, if a woman they desire is angry, depressed, or in a bad mood, they believe they must do something quickly — lie, offer solutions, sacrifice self, manipulate — to fix it.
The possibility of availability extends beyond just sex. Since Nice Guys have been conditioned by their families and society to never do anything to upset a woman, they are hyper-vigilant in responding to the moods and desires of women they don't even plan on having sex with.
Glover, Robert (2010-11-10). No More Mr. Nice Guy (p. 42). Kindle Edition.
OK - so far so good. It is clear here that what is required is Outcome Independence. And naturally OI comes right back to Frame. In the case of "Nice Guy Syndrome", this lack of Frame regarding women seems to originate in the distorted behaviors we developed in childhood. So, from a practical perspective, I am trying to figure out how to take positive action (acta non verba) to recover from these lifelong scripts. Since I live "in my head" a lot, this is challenging.
So, my question is this: "Is recovery from from these long ingrained patterns really about developing Frame?". In other words, I don't think recovery from this is going to be about just recognizing I have been doing it, but doing something different. Any suggestions on how you consistently practice doing the new behaviors so they become the new default pattern of thinking?
The only times I can think back to where I was successful with long-term with behavior change was when I could make the "doing" part concrete and not just in my head.