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Need help holding frame when soon to be ex wife is after blood

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March 17, 2017
10 upvotes

First time poster,.lurked for a month or two. Situation:shit marriage for years,finally pulled my head out of my ass a year ago.started lifting,lost 60 lbs,joined bjj class.overall just improved myself all around.

Only problem is that I did this unguided so to speak.wasn't redpill aware so I puked a serious amount of blue pill faggotry into the marriage at the same time.trips and gifts I couldn't afford,long talks and notes about our "relationship".pretty much got a perfect score on the faggot meter.

A month ago I found mrp and realized my mistakes.read the sidebar,tried to internalize and practice frame and pass shit tests etc.

Too late it seems.she wants out which in the long run I'm happy with.problem is she wants every fucking penny she can get out of me.if I find a dollar in the gutter I half expect her to pop out of the alley screeching I get half.

On the plus side my oneitis died fast and hard.my special snowflake is a merciless,cold blooded cunt.

Where I need advice is that I am stuck living in the house with her for 6 months until the house sells and the kids are ready.she pushes every button and trigger I have and after 13 years she knows my weaknesses.

I have had anger issues in the past and she knows it.so how to I go from a weak ass frame that is constantly under attack to hard as iron frame that can get through this with pride,balls,and bankroll mostly intact? Mistakes I make now will seriously mess up my future.not entirety sure if mrp is my place since I lost my marriage but trp is full of teenagers trying to get laid.i need the council of captains who have been through the fire.


Post Information
Title Need help holding frame when soon to be ex wife is after blood
Author spacemonkey66
Upvotes 10
Comments 20
Date 17 March 2017 04:39 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206393
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5zynkl/need_help_holding_frame_when_soon_to_be_ex_wife/
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frameshit testliftthe red pillthe blue pillsnowflake
Comments

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (7 children) | Copy

1) See a lawyer. Right now. Yesterday. You need to find out what your rights are.

2) It's not so much about keeping frame as it is about maintaining a calm, cool and collected mien and demeanor while this process is going on. You are at a real disadvantage since you don't have a lot of background reading and theory under your belt and you've been blindsided.

Do the following as best as you can:

-- get the basics of your finances downpat and locked down tight. Know where every penny is spent and what it's spent on. Know where all your income is from and how much. Hers too.

--if there's a mortgage on the house, push hard to sell it and divvy the proceeds, whatever's left after the mortgage is paid off.

-- Limit all communications with her to logistics only. The house, the money, the kids. That's it. Otherwise, your life is none of her business. Don't ask her about her life either. No discussion about feelings, plans, emotions. No discussions at all about anything other than what is absolutely necessary.

--no texting or emailing other than day to day logistics. No texting thoughts, feelings, emotions, apologies, assessments, post mortems, divorce plans, etc.

-- no sex with her. At all. No matter what she says or does. She'll try to use sex to manipulate you. Just don't have sex with her at all. Your marriage is over. She wants a divorce, she'll get one. There's no turning back now.

--you're going to be an unmarried man soon, so you might as well start acting like one. Don't act like a husband. Tying in to the above, she gets no emotional or moral support at all from you. As much as you're not sharing your feelings/emotions with her, you'll also stop her cold if she tries doing that with you.

--Has she filed yet? If she hasn't, you should file. ASAP.

--Everything in the divorce, custody and property division is a business decision. Be prepared to make hard, cold, emotionless business decisions. It's not personal. It's business, only business.

-- Dig in for a fight, but concede what you can without injuring other positions. Determine what you must have in the divorce and fight to the death for it. Determine what you want, and fight hard for it. Determine what you don't want or need, and let it go.

--Getting through this with "bankroll mostly intact" will depend on what your lawyer says and what he advises. Follow your lawyer's advice.

-- Push for as much residential custody of the kids as possible. You are going to be a model dad. No dating other women; or if you do date, do it extremely discreetly and on the down low. No bringing dates back to the house. Avoid sex with other women while you are still legally married. (It looks bad to the court in the property division.) Spend as much time with the kids and document it. Document all money spent on the kids. Document everything your wife does or doesn't do with or for or to the kids.

--document EVERYTHING - the kids' academics, their medical care, your personal property, the marital property, the bank accounts, your income, her income, what your wife does and says, everything. Absolutely EVERYTHING. Give it all to your lawyers.

--if your wife starts yelling, screaming, fighting with you, hitting you, abusing you, whip out your phone and start recording video. Record her when she does any of this.

--save, screen shot and print out hard copies of all texts and email exchanges between you and her. These should be at a minimum, but to the extent they exist, save them.

Best of luck

[–]spacemonkey66[S] 4 points5 points  (6 children) | Copy

Some of this I have done..I will start the rest immediately.the anger I have against this woman that sat on her ass for 12 years while I worked 14 hours a day to support her is overwhelming at times.but the time for that is past.calm and controlled it is.still amazes me that she went from the I love you's and romantic vacations to assessing the value of every possession I own and rewriting the past so that I am the villain in everything.i agreed with the awalt theory but never thought I would learn it so fast and hard in my own life.thank you

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

The mindset you need is one of calm resolve. NOthing she says or does can shake you. You are going forward without her. Her choice. You will emerge on the other side a better man. This process will not break you. Much better things lie on the other side for you.

still amazes me that she went from the I love you's and romantic vacations to assessing the value of every possession I own and rewriting the past so that I am the villain in everything

This is common. Roissy maxim: "when the love is gone, a woman can be as cold to you as if she had never known you." After a failed relationship, the hamster works overtime to rewrite history to paint you as the villain and her as hapless victim.

Nothing you did was right or good.

She tried so, so hard to salvage the marriage, but you were so dumb, obstinate, obtuse or assholish that it couldn't be saved. She tried everything, but you still destroyed it. You left her no choice but to divorce you.

It was 100% your fault; 0% her fault. You are to blame for everything that went wrong in the marriage, she takes the credit for everything that went right.

She is a wonderful angelic creature of light; you are a horrible douchecanoe asshole.

Get used to it and let it roll off your back. Most people will believe her. Most Blue Pillers believe that when a woman divorces a man, it is because he was so terrible, so evil, so sinister and malevolent, so reckless and negligent, that she had no choice but to end the marriage. It is all your fault. You'll be increasingly isolated from your soon to be former friends. You'll have to walk this alone.

[–]spacemonkey66[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Deep down I knew this.I had hoped differently but the truth is in her actions not words.That much I internalized.Her loss,I will get through this and I will be better for it

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

The other thing to internalize is that this is over. It can't be saved or retrieved. It can't be made better. Sex won't save it. Trying again won't save it. Improving won't save it. Changing her or you or both of you together won't save it. She's made her decision, and there's nothing more to discuss or do other than wrapping up the marriage as an ongoing entity and dividing the assets. That's it.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The mindset you need is one of calm resolve. NOthing she says or does can shake you.

This. At one point (during the proceedings) my ex threatened me with some info she had on some business dealings I was doing. I kept I short - flat out told her to "go ahead and act on it if you want, but don't threaten me with it." She never brought it up again.

[–]mrpthrowa2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

[–]spacemonkey66[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Jesus what a depressing read.Makes perfect sense though.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

  • "if I find a dollar in the gutter I half expect her to pop out of the alley screeching I get half."

This made me spit out my coffee. I totally hear you, went through a similar situation with my ex. She knew how to push my buttons and I lost my temper 80% of the time. It only made a bad situation worsr. Your kids do not need to hear that shit. I made a point of arguing with her but if the kids could hear it, then I left the house rather than let the kids hear a word. The better solution would have been leaving before the argument started but we all have 20/20 vision with the benefit of hindsight. So if she starts a fight, leave, or just ignore her. If she yells in front of the kids, leave without saying a single word, every time.

Now here is some advice which will be new to you. Firstly, I am a lawyer so I know what I am talking about, do not see a lawyer unless you absolutely have to. Instead try to get Machiavellian. Try to befriend your wife (fake it, fake it, fake it), can your feelings. Lawyers just want to get paid, if she has one you will have no choice but to get your own, but otherwise, try and befriend that harpy (fake it!!), say shit like, we had many good years, let's end this fairly as friends. Tell her you want the best for both of you and the kids. Tell her you don't want the money that the two of you (if she contributed, ir was a good wife/ mother, give her props for the past) built up going to lawyers, tell her you will be fair.

If you do see a lawyer, keep it secret and just pay for a two hour consultation to get a summary of your rights, and an overview of the most likely outcome. If you can get her to agree to a fair split of kids and property that you are OK with (keep the emotions out of it, just think about the kids and being fair), then move toward that. Do not fight with her, do not make her the bad guy (FAKE IT), just keep her close and friendly.

Apart from that most of the advice from u/LewisCross is solid. Find out about your legal position but if possible, convince her that neither of you need lawyers. Oh and do not fuck her or reconcile.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

SpaceMonkey you are getting a lot of good advice here. Lucky for you u/LewisCross (+1) and all the others spelled it out clearly for you.

I went through a nasty divorce from a woman that went from bad, to evil incarnate after she was served. Never forget that your survival is no longer of any concern of hers.

In the simplest terms, the only way to end the conflicts, to end the game, with your soon to be ex, is to not play. Walk away, hang up the phone, do not respond to electronic messages.... completely disengage.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Bro use the space bar, capitalize your letters. Do you write emails like this?

[–]spacemonkey66[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sorry shitty cracked iPhone screen. And I'm not much of an emailer or online person. Noted though

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wheres the guy from this morning who is playing fair?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I would reread WISNIFG and fog and A&A all her shit tests.

After a short term you become desensitized to the criticism and it helps the anger. I find myself chuckling at the bs now when I'm the past I would get super angry

[–]OverthinkerTRP[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There won't be shit tests, there will be malicious attacks. A&A is for play, this is war.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Get an attorney right away - women are ruthless in divorce. Get ahead of her.

After you secure an attorney, try to keep most of communication on text. 1) it's in writing and 2) it's harder for her to push your buttons. 3) stick to logistics . Think hard before replying on each text, and don't text while your emotions are charged. This is speaking from my experience.

[–]spacemonkey66[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is all solid advice that I needed to hear.Thank you all.I read posts the past few months about the truth of women and divorce but when it happened to me I was stunned and quickly found myself reacting to her frame and actions.No more.

I may end up getting divorce raped but I won't accept it like a bitch.I will endure this with a calm,stoic attitude and an eye for the new future I will build.

My shitty marriage is on me and I accept this.I found this place too late to save my marriage but in enough time too save me.

[–]spacemonkey66[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Went from her saying last night she didn't even want the house to a 3 page list of financial demands and shit 3 hours ago.Sad that I'm going to be a part time dad but excited for the freedom. She went out for coffee with her soon to be divorced "bestie" last night so I know where this coming from.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Do not respond in any way, shape or form to that list. Just give it to your lawyer. Do not negotiate, complain, or try to smoke her positions and vulnerabilities out. That's the lawyers' job.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"how to I go from a weak ass frame that is constantly under attack to hard as iron frame that can get through this with pride,balls,and bankroll mostly intact?"

Sidebar >>>>>>> this book, although may not be for divorce problems, it can have pro found effect on your beta thoughts, hamstering of your own- especially the provoke/no acknowledgement type behavior

"so how to I go from a weak ass frame that is constantly under attack to hard as iron frame ...... "

When you dissect the female psychology and the attacks, because of a weak frame, you start to see some of it is a push for you to become better @ being a man, or get the fuck out of the way. It's ok, just recognize it for what it is and be done.

A lot of times we walk through life with control issues, lack direction and looking for validation. In order to compensate for the validation/acknowledgement we are seeking, anger is a very fast emotional response because it is so intense it can fill the void. But, as we all know, anger is not a solution. It only compounds problems .

As all have advised - Lawyer up



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