Hello all. This is my first post so i will provide some backstory. Been lurking since december of 2016.
Im 33, wife is 28, and we have been married 5 years and together for 7. We have a 2 year old daughter. I had already graduated college and been working a few years before we met. She was in her last semester of university when we met. Things started going downhill after the baby but i didnt start noticing it until march of 2016. We never had a completely dead bedroom but it had gotten to where in hindsight i was failing shit tests, and we were on a sex schedule. In december of 2016 my wife made a comment that i should go jerk off and i realized that something was not right in the relationship. I took care of the finances, i cook, i make money, wtf?
So i did some googling and found this sub. It was a revelation. All the little things that i didnt know how to deal with were discussed on this thread and in the sidebar. I read everything and have seen significant improvement since december.
Here are some examples. I started lifting and dieting immediately. I weighed 168 but i realized i was skinny fat. So i started a 3 day routine with deadlift every workout since the only way i can do full on squats is with a smith machine and it hurts my knees. When i first started, my wife was bitching about how she needs comfort food, im not fat, yada yada. I now weigh 158, close to 12% bf as best i can tell. This week she suddenly decided that she needs to eat better.
I started handling shit tests better which almost immediately made her start comfort testing me regularly with comments like "your only getting fit so you can leave me" etc. She still shit tests as you will soon find out but less frequently.
I started owning my shit and taking charge. Christmas lights need to go up or get taken down, im already on it. House needs to be vaccumed. What would single me do? She asks me what i want for dinner, i tell her what i want or where we are going. Here is a more concrete example that she actually referenced to me recently. She had a friend come in town for the weekend, nice girl but the most passive and submissive and indecisive girl you will ever meet. They are both passively asking each other where they should go for brunch. I pick up my phone, and make a resevation for a brunch spot downtown. Look at them and say, you have a reservation at xyz place in 20 minutes, better get going. They loved it and now my wife wants me to take her on a brunch date there.
Sex isnt as frequent as i would like, but the quality has improved considerably and the frequency has improved from twice a month to once a week. Ive had to go on several breaks from initiating over the past several months. As part of my map i started initiating every day and it got to where she would pull the "you make me feel guilty when you initiate all the time". If i was a year into my map i would escalate that comment with overt communication about my sexual expectations, but i didnt want to redpill rambo my marriage so i would back off for a few weeks, do other things and then pick up initiating again.
From a sexual standpoint, a major issue with our relationship is that i allowed myself to enter her frame sexually from the onset. I had been spinning plates for several years and she was/is a good conservative girl. She didnt just put out when we met which made me respect her and when i found out after we had been dating for a few weeks that she stood up for me when some of her friends were talking shit about my past, i decided that i wanted to commit to her. That being said, i was bluepill at the time and couldnt reconcile the madonna whore concept in my mind. I could treat girls like filthy sluts but i didnt want to marry them. And i didnt (at the time) think i wanted my wife to act like a filthy slut for me.
And by this i mean getting on her knees and blowing me. In the past ive been indifferent to bjs. I think they are fun but prefer vaginal. My wife still blows me on occasion but we are always laying down and i created that frame from the onset.
Last night we had a date night. Nice dinner, good conversation, and im kinoing like a motherfucker. Shes ovulating and as we are heading home she brings up in conversation some stories she was telling her friends about how they need to find a guy like me that takes charge. Awesome, sounds like im getting laid tonight.
We get home, say bye to the babysitter, i lead her into the bedroom and we get to it. Heavy petting, kissing etc. She then says "i want to suck your dick". Great. I respond with " get on your knees". This is where the needle rips across the turntable.
She stares at me with this disgusted look and says that she feels like a whore and that i should apologize. I say "im not apologizing for asking you to get on your knees". She then brings up some more shit about how thats so degrading and that if i want blowjobs like that, then one day i might want anal and i might want to cheat and that i didnt want that in the past. I then laughed and responded with "im allowed to change my mind. I want to explore my sexuality and you are the only person i want to do that with". At this point the mood was toast so i just got up, put on my clothes, got everything ready for my morning workout and went to bed. Pleae provide feedback about any and all of this.
So here is my question, how to proceed? While running my map, if i withdraw attention she immediately starts accusing me of being butthurt and i dont want to come across butthurt. Should i proceed through the rest of the day and weekend like nothing happened last night? Or should i cut all communication today until i get home? I think this could be a really great opportunity to reestablish my frame in the relationship but i need to handle this situation the right way.
Thank you in advance to everyone for your thoughts. This thread has changed my life.