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Last night backfired, how to proceed?

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March 17, 2017
10 upvotes

Hello all. This is my first post so i will provide some backstory. Been lurking since december of 2016.

Im 33, wife is 28, and we have been married 5 years and together for 7. We have a 2 year old daughter. I had already graduated college and been working a few years before we met. She was in her last semester of university when we met. Things started going downhill after the baby but i didnt start noticing it until march of 2016. We never had a completely dead bedroom but it had gotten to where in hindsight i was failing shit tests, and we were on a sex schedule. In december of 2016 my wife made a comment that i should go jerk off and i realized that something was not right in the relationship. I took care of the finances, i cook, i make money, wtf?

So i did some googling and found this sub. It was a revelation. All the little things that i didnt know how to deal with were discussed on this thread and in the sidebar. I read everything and have seen significant improvement since december.

Here are some examples. I started lifting and dieting immediately. I weighed 168 but i realized i was skinny fat. So i started a 3 day routine with deadlift every workout since the only way i can do full on squats is with a smith machine and it hurts my knees. When i first started, my wife was bitching about how she needs comfort food, im not fat, yada yada. I now weigh 158, close to 12% bf as best i can tell. This week she suddenly decided that she needs to eat better.

I started handling shit tests better which almost immediately made her start comfort testing me regularly with comments like "your only getting fit so you can leave me" etc. She still shit tests as you will soon find out but less frequently.

I started owning my shit and taking charge. Christmas lights need to go up or get taken down, im already on it. House needs to be vaccumed. What would single me do? She asks me what i want for dinner, i tell her what i want or where we are going. Here is a more concrete example that she actually referenced to me recently. She had a friend come in town for the weekend, nice girl but the most passive and submissive and indecisive girl you will ever meet. They are both passively asking each other where they should go for brunch. I pick up my phone, and make a resevation for a brunch spot downtown. Look at them and say, you have a reservation at xyz place in 20 minutes, better get going. They loved it and now my wife wants me to take her on a brunch date there.

Sex isnt as frequent as i would like, but the quality has improved considerably and the frequency has improved from twice a month to once a week. Ive had to go on several breaks from initiating over the past several months. As part of my map i started initiating every day and it got to where she would pull the "you make me feel guilty when you initiate all the time". If i was a year into my map i would escalate that comment with overt communication about my sexual expectations, but i didnt want to redpill rambo my marriage so i would back off for a few weeks, do other things and then pick up initiating again.

From a sexual standpoint, a major issue with our relationship is that i allowed myself to enter her frame sexually from the onset. I had been spinning plates for several years and she was/is a good conservative girl. She didnt just put out when we met which made me respect her and when i found out after we had been dating for a few weeks that she stood up for me when some of her friends were talking shit about my past, i decided that i wanted to commit to her. That being said, i was bluepill at the time and couldnt reconcile the madonna whore concept in my mind. I could treat girls like filthy sluts but i didnt want to marry them. And i didnt (at the time) think i wanted my wife to act like a filthy slut for me.

And by this i mean getting on her knees and blowing me. In the past ive been indifferent to bjs. I think they are fun but prefer vaginal. My wife still blows me on occasion but we are always laying down and i created that frame from the onset.

Last night we had a date night. Nice dinner, good conversation, and im kinoing like a motherfucker. Shes ovulating and as we are heading home she brings up in conversation some stories she was telling her friends about how they need to find a guy like me that takes charge. Awesome, sounds like im getting laid tonight.

We get home, say bye to the babysitter, i lead her into the bedroom and we get to it. Heavy petting, kissing etc. She then says "i want to suck your dick". Great. I respond with " get on your knees". This is where the needle rips across the turntable.

She stares at me with this disgusted look and says that she feels like a whore and that i should apologize. I say "im not apologizing for asking you to get on your knees". She then brings up some more shit about how thats so degrading and that if i want blowjobs like that, then one day i might want anal and i might want to cheat and that i didnt want that in the past. I then laughed and responded with "im allowed to change my mind. I want to explore my sexuality and you are the only person i want to do that with". At this point the mood was toast so i just got up, put on my clothes, got everything ready for my morning workout and went to bed. Pleae provide feedback about any and all of this.

So here is my question, how to proceed? While running my map, if i withdraw attention she immediately starts accusing me of being butthurt and i dont want to come across butthurt. Should i proceed through the rest of the day and weekend like nothing happened last night? Or should i cut all communication today until i get home? I think this could be a really great opportunity to reestablish my frame in the relationship but i need to handle this situation the right way.

Thank you in advance to everyone for your thoughts. This thread has changed my life.


Post Information
Title Last night backfired, how to proceed?
Author cabanaboy46
Upvotes 10
Comments 26
Date 17 March 2017 02:03 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206396
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5zxqsr/last_night_backfired_how_to_proceed/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
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Comments

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Should i proceed through the rest of the day and weekend like nothing happened last night? Or should i cut all communication today until i get home?

Yes. Life goes on as normal. No communication but for logistics. When you get home, be fun and flirty like nothing ever happened. Because you should be so OI and have zero fucks about a failed BJ/lay that you aren't phased. Any behavior to the contrary IS being butthurt and will come across that way.

You totally blew the BJ thing (pun intended). You DEERed, when you should have laughed and said "you should apologize for not being on your knees!" Then when she went down her slippery slope argument, you should have said "you're absolutely right, so you better hurry up and get on your knees. I need to be at Stacy's in an hour" with a wink and smile.

Or, my new favorite, whenever she pulls shit like this, just respond with "Gay" or "you're gay". Hamster doesn't know what the fuck to do with that. Almost like a soft reset.

[–]GongShanks1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

How about "you aren't turning gay on me are you?"

Just saying "gay" seems pretty butt hurt to me perhaps. Definitely want to keep it light hearted. But then again I'm terrible at this stuff.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I love just "gay". Remember, women like to believe they are fun and interesting, even when they often aren't. Just "gay" with nothing more, is actually a fun neg in a way - you're basically saying "I challenge you not to suck".

[–]crimson_chris6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hold the fucking presses. So your wife said "I want to suck your dick!". I think you are 90% of the way there.

I've gotten more bj's in the last year than I have in the last 20yrs I've been married. My wife has never said that LOL. I have had her get on her knees. She is a bit reserved so I have found that I tell her what I am going to do and she follows.

For example...I did not say "get on your knees". I told her I was going to sit on the side of the bed for my bj - then offered her a pillow. She was verbally offended, but we laughed it off and she performed her first bj on her knees for me. We also did a reverse 69 before with me on top - so basically fucking her mouth. I did not ask for that. I put my dick in her face (she was laying down during foreplay) and just moved into position. It was weird, I usually over think stuff during sex but that move was just horny instinct. When I am in that mode somehow I think she can sense it.

With my wife (who is verbally a prude) I have found that she is willling to do what I want in the moment but I have to guide her. Even anal - I don't ask. I just have to feel if the moment is right and I go for it. But - don't rape your wife....well, it will only be rape if you're still her BB.

[–]mrpthrowa6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

You activated her anti slut defense. The get on your knees comment made her feel too much like a slut. Girls like to act slutty but not thought of as slutty, and certainly not thought of slutty by a man who is not truly alpha in their eyes. So on the one hand, continue working on your SMV, and on the other hand, you want to gain a lot of trust and comfort for her to be more open sexually with you. Never make her feel abnormal for doing sexual things for you. Certainly, do not talk about it. Act and lead, 2 steps forward 1 step back. You've just had a step back. It's ok.

As to how to continue going forward, abundance mentality, and don't be phased. Act as if nothing happened at all.


Also..

"you make me feel guilty when you initiate all the time".

a.k.a I feel guilty fucking a beta. You're not a chad yet.

Last night we had a date night. Nice dinner, good conversation, and im kinoing like a motherfucker. Shes ovulating and as we are heading home she brings up in conversation some stories she was telling her friends about how they need to find a guy like me that takes charge. Awesome, sounds like im getting laid tonight.

Covert contract warning.

She stares at me with this disgusted look and says that she feels like a whore and that i should apologize. I say "im not apologizing for asking you to get on your knees". She then brings up some more shit about how thats so degrading and that if i want blowjobs like that, then one day i might want anal and i might want to cheat and that i didnt want that in the past. I then laughed and responded with "im allowed to change my mind. I want to explore my sexuality and you are the only person i want to do that with". At this point the mood was toast so i just got up, put on my clothes, got everything ready for my morning workout and went to bed. Pleae provide feedback about any and all of this.

Negotiating and talking about sex. You were on the edge of doing it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

She was telling you to make her believe she isn't a slut.

And you proceeded to blow that the fuck up.

There's a reason most answers here are 'sidebar'. Had you internalized MMSLP before thinking a little lurking was good enough, you would have avoided this.

Goldfish this one. It never happened, don't worry, she'll be primed to go along with it.

[–]Soberskipper1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

She gave you one last anti slut defence shit test and you failed. Sounds like she wanted you to take charge(especially with her earlier comment). You could of teased her after she said she wants to suck the d. You missed a trick here because in thus scenario you were the prize and you couldn't wait to whip it out, eg if you tell a girl I wanna fuck you does she rip her pants down there and then and bend over? No! Used amused mastery, then physically manipulated her to the floor (tactile not full blown body slam). Your frames not there yet to be making sexual demands that she responds naturally to, its still early days for you though. Plus you didn't sound mean enough/serious enough when your making dominant demands you've gotta sound like if they don't do what you say instantly there're in trouble. YOU "get on your knees!" Her "but bla bla" You "Now!" pointing at the floor at your feet holding eye contact like you are telling off a child or your dog when they're misbehaving, wanna be in charge fucking take the reins. Before giving out "orders" it's always best to work her up, long passionate kisses a bit of pussy rubbing, get her tits out etc. Halfway through moaning she probably wouldn't complain/shit test you. Ps. After failing shit test you should off still banged her now you look like butthurt Billy over the bj situation.

[–]could-of-bot0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's either could HAVE or could'VE, but never could OF.

See Grammar Errors for more information.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy

  • Every girl will be a slut for her man if he is high value (your mindset is still trapped on the "good girl myth"

https://therationalmale.com/2011/11/10/good-girls-do/

  • Big ass covert contract of date night -> sexy times.

  • Trying to negotiate desire and TALK TALK TALK. If you were her Chad she would be eager being on her kness, doing anal or whatever you wanted.

How to proceed? Act as if nothing happened, proceed kinoing, being fun and witty, teasing her, you set the mood around the house, do NOT enter her "im in a bad mood so you should be too" frame, and for fucks sake stop the DEERing. If she brings this up just fog/a&a/STFU, whatever you say you say it with a smirk and DONT take it seriously and DONT use logic/rationalize.

And the most important part of course, never stop improving yourself. Keep reading the sidebar.

[–]cabanaboy46[S] 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

What sucks is knowing that her perception of my smv causes this. Realizing that after reading the sidebar along with personal experiences kept me in the anger phase for several months. I knew that pulling the "get on your knees" line was going to either be awesone or blow up in my face. But i cant improve that aspect of the relationship if i dont push the boundaries. Improving is painful

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

She may never want to become slutty for you and that's OK too. She may never come out of her shell. Pushing boundaries can be fun, but don't make too big a deal over it. There's some things my wife will never do and I've had to come to terms with it.

[–]cabanaboy46[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I agree with your statement. What i hoped would happen is that she would comply or basically say "im not feeling that" and then we would move on. I was a little surprised that she went full on anti slut defense shields. She was acting tired when we got home. Even though in hindsight i could have handled things differently, part of me wonders if she just used that as the excuse she needed to shut down the interraction.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

When you marry a girl that is not slutty it's reasonable to expect she won't become one right

[–]BrazilRedPill0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Pick up artists call this LMR or "last minute resistance". It's when the girl wants to go dirty with you, but she doesn't want you think that she is a slutty. PUA expects that LMR happens all the time. Google on how to deal with LMR. Basically, you must make her feel that it is ok to do that, that you won't think that she is a slutty by sucking on her knees. Take your time, be slow, it may take as much as half an hour or more of comfort before you get what you want, if done right.

[–]A_RexRED KNIGHT0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What sucks is knowing that her perception of my smv causes this

This stings at first. By now it should be liberating. Your SMV is one of the few things in this world that is within your control. Lift and improve your other areas like your life depends on it - because it does. Her perception you cannot control - but as you improve, she will likely notice, and perception will likely change on its own

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

LOL. Yeah....better to initiate and get a no than to not initiate and pass on a yes.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

your only getting fit so you can leave me

You're doing something right when you hear this

As far as the BJ, you broke frame. Should've went with AM. Take the blow job.

[–]SepeanRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

At this point the mood was toast so i just got up, put on my clothes, got everything ready for my morning workout and went to bed. Pleae provide feedback about any and all of this.

Well done. Don't explain so much in the future though. It's sometimes a good idea to be verbose about it, once. But we're talking none or once, not twice.

While running my map, if i withdraw attention she immediately starts accusing me of being butthurt and i dont want to come across butthurt.

Stop living in her frame. She's not doing her job, why waste your time on her? Because she tells you you're butthurt, that's enough to make you fall in line? What if she dared you to "prove that you're a real man by doing all cooking and cleaning for a month", you'd do that too?

Should i proceed through the rest of the day and weekend like nothing happened last night? Or should i cut all communication today until i get home?

It's fair that she gets a few chances to step out of her comfort zone. It's ok she's not ready to leap at the first try. After that, if she's trying and there's progress, I'm ok with that and don't make a big deal out of it. Keep it light and fun.

If she stops trying or spazzes out about it, I can't be bothered with what she wants from me until she complies. It's just so fucking disrespectful to say no.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yup she already thinks you're a fuck, own it.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Life goes on as normal.

You didn't even feel that needle tear into the vinyl, right ?

A good afternoon for some serious lifting and a great evening fir a night on the town with some friends.

Don't even discuss it. Just laugh it brought up

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

December. Wow. So impressive.

Sidebar.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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