TheRedArchive needs help
With 700,000+ posts and 16,000,000+ comments archived, and new Red Pill content being added every week, keeping TheRedArchive alive and discoverable to everyone is starting to become very costly. As a 20-year-old student who just moved out and is living independently for the first time, keeping TheRedArchive alive is beginning to cost me much more than I thought.

Therefore, if you appreciate the website, have gained a lot of knowledge and insight from it, and want to show your appreciation, you can do so by donating any amount that you want via the options below. The money will be used on the expensive monthly host bill and any future maintenance of the website.
Thank you, and I wish you all a successful 2021 and a good luck with achieving your goals and dreams!

Best, /u/dream-hunter

FR: Kids, your dad is in charge.....

Reddit View
March 9, 2017
10 upvotes

So, I get home from work at about 6pm tonight. When I open the door the kids (4 and 7) are still in their school clothes and watching TV (they are not supposed to watch TV on school days). As I walk thought the house my wife (SAHM) is no where to be seen. I see that the door to our room is closed.

I go into the room and she is laying on the bed watching TV. I ask her what is going on (her closed in the room and the kids watching tv on a school day is not the norm). Basically the kids were giving her a hard time and she said "fuck it" (not literally) and turned on the TV for them and retreated to the room. We chatted (her mood was fine given what was going on). We decided that she would clean up the kitchen from dinner and I will take care of the kids. My daughter (7 with ADHD) had homework, and my son (4) just needed to clean up and get ready for bed.

I send my son to clean up his room and my daughter and I start on her writing assignment. As I am trying to get my daughter started on her assignment my wife keeps coming in the the room and voicing her opinion on the writing assignment. I kindly tell my wife that we decided that she is doing the kitchen and I have the kids covered - so let us be. Also with my daughter's ADHD it's hard for her to have two adults giving her direction. My wife walks away (but she can hear us in the kitchen) and again, she butts in with advice/instructions for the writing assignment. This time I more directly told her to let me handle it. She escalates and keeps butting in - basically ignoring my request. I tell her "i told you I got it, so that means I have it. Take care of the kitchen like we decided".

This concludes with her losing her shit. She says she is not cleaning the kitchen and I can handle everything - while walking away angrily and saying sarcastically "Kids, your dad is in charge". Which is dumb as fuck since I have the kids all the time (actually the majority of the time on the weekend).

So, long story short - without interference from my wife, the writing homework goes much better than usual, kids are efficiently bathed read to and put to bed. She is still fuming as we speak. In the past I have told her to stop second guessing me in front of the kids - they feed on that shit and pit us against each other. This time I put my foot down and it felt great.

At one point she asked me "Who do you think you are talking to?". And later she mocked me by calling me "king". I have a long way to go to reclaim my kingdom. Any feedback on how the situation was handled?

TLDR; Got home. Kids were overwhelming the wife. She asked me to take over, which I did. She interferes with me taking charge , I tell her to stop - she loses her shit.


Post Information
Title FR: Kids, your dad is in charge.....
Author crimson_chris
Upvotes 10
Comments 59
Date 09 March 2017 04:55 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206437
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5yd5ij/fr_kids_your_dad_is_in_charge/
Similar Posts
Comments

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill7 points8 points  (7 children) | Copy

Time to put on your captains bars. If she's fuming still Fuck her that's her problem.

With a kid that's got learning disabilities a unified front is a must. So pressure flip it on her.

"heh, let's talk about last night. I can see how you think I'm the king. But I want what's best for our daughter. I also want to hear what you think, so we are on the same page."

"I welcome your input, but let's either do it before hand, or after the fact. She's a bright fun kid, and I don't think it would be bad if we added xyz after. But during I think your message gets diluted, and mine loose focus. In the end Dear Daughter looses. How do we proceed as a unified front?"

Your wife wants to be heard. Respect follows leadership, not authority.

[–]crimson_chris[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

Good point on listening and working as a team. I am all for that - but in front of the kid is not the right venue (which was the primary issue). Will leverage your advice tonight.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Yep, that's correct but my personal philosophy is carrot and stick.

Stick if it's immediate and reprehensible, carrot if it's future behavior modification.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just wanted to echo the effectiveness of your sentiment.

This mindset can be extremely useful in every aspect of ones life. Work, home, anywhere.

[–]resolutions3160 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Stick if it's immediate and reprehensible, carrot if it's future behavior modification.

This is interesting; can you give some examples of situations where you would choose one or the other?

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

One time my oldest was being defiant and I was in the middle of punishing him. She didn't like something I said, so she started to chastise me in front of him. She didn't get four words out of her mouth and I calmly told her, "This is not your problem, do not correct me in front of the kids"

She stormed off and between that and my reprimanding him my son was speechless.

An hour later she came to me, and in classic hamster started yammering on how it was my fault she's a bitch. I calmly told her, "Yeah, if we are divided in front of him, he will loose respect for both of us. I need your help in both ways, if I'm wrong address it after, and we'll tackle it. I may agree, I may not, and you have to respect that, but don't ever undermine my authority in front of the kids again."

To date she hasn't.

The stick is stopping the bullshit in its tracks, the carrot is giving her an out to help her improve her standing in your eyes.

[–]resolutions3162 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Gotcha, thanks very much for the clarification.

Very important point I'm noticing - In all of the "good" examples of this kind of leadership/boundary-setting, the boundary is not "HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT ME, I AM THE ALPHA" - but almost always about a deeper purpose/goal (i.e., family cohesion, kids, etc).

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

My original comment is exactly that. I'm on mobile now so I'll update more later.

[–]maxofreddit6 points7 points  (12 children) | Copy

I'm gonna go back to my most valuable lesson to date, shut the fuck up.

You get home and quickly surmise that shot has gone down, don't even go into the bedroom, just start taking care of business. She comes in and tries to intervene during homework? A quick glance (MAYbe) and continue the job at hand without a word.

I've found the most elective tool for my wife to get back on track in these types of situations is to have her realize that I totally have this handled, without ANY help from her. Like you discovered, it's often fucking EASIER without her. I honestly wouldn't have even said a word about it. Even if she brought it up, I wouldn't engage.

Your wife knows she's got a good gig staying home all day while you make well into six-figures. If you handle shit without "checking in" she'll soon realize that she's not providing value to your life, and she'll have to step up. Her hamster will do all of this without you having to say anything like "We decided...." Dialoguing opens you up to being pulled into her frame, the less you do the less you risk it.

Every so often a similar situation will happen with us where I get home & I can tell she's totally disengaged & stressed (it's all created by her hamster, of course). I'll just walk in, start doing dishes, get the kids into bed, come back up & read a book or start a project, literally without saying a word to her. Sometimes, I'll even fall asleep snuggling my daughters, and not even talk to the wife. I'll leave early the next morning, and not see her until the next night. I don't want to hear about how the kids stressed her out, so I don't even give her the opportunity. I don't walk around butt hurt about it, I just don't engage, because I don't want to hear about it. I've gotten to the point where it's, "That's not my shit, so I'm not stepping in the pig pen." She'll later come up & apologize & be better the next day.

Essentially, I don't need her, nor do I need to discuss anything about "the situation" with her, I just go about creating the life I want, she can get on board... but I'm not checking in every second (anymore)...I'm better at just leading through action not words (STFU).

I think anytime a guy says "Do such & such, like we discussed," he probably missed an opportunity to STFU. She knows what you discussed, she's trying to engage & distract & possibly challenge (consciously or unconsciously). Don't get sucked in, continue with action & STFU.

EDIT - spelling and clarity

[–]crimson_chris[S] 1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

I like that. Reflecting I think it was 90% her feeling like she was not adding value. The kids and I had a fine night after she exited. I kept it upbeat. Even sent her some funny pics that I took while ahe was fuming. Not getting sucked in is key. Thanks.

[–]innominating1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

You sending funny pics is getting sucked in.

[–]crimson_chris[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Got it, but not really. I just continued with what I would have done anyway - despite her shit, not because of it.

My daughter and I have a father/daughter dance on Friday. She is going as Supergirl. I am going as Deadpool. I got my mask/t-shirt/belt yesterday and tried it on with my black suit (it looks awesome). The wife was being bitchy so I took some pics of me in the outfit vs. showing her that night.

It was Deadpool so took a pic with both fingers flipping her off and sent it to her. : 0 ]

She saw it after I left for work this morning. It was amusing.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

You either did it to cheer her up, or piss her off. Either way, it's in her frame.

[–]crimson_chris[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Eh - did not care as I would have tried on the costume anyway. I would have done stupid shit dressed up as Deadpool anyway. It would have been in her frame if I put it all in and did not show her because I was butthurt, right? I did not show her at the moment due to her shitty mood, hence the pic.

I think this one is borderline.

[–]maxofreddit1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

yeah this one is tricky

could be like /u/innominating said and she could read it as "He's trying to cheer me up," or "He wants me to share in the fun."

Then again, if her hamster is worn out from the day, it could disarm her and get her back on track with a laugh.

Just be aware of which you think she's in, you could be inadvertently "rewarding" her behavior... as in she'll start depending on you to come to her rescue instead of self regulating. This is one of those things where you know your wife and where she's coming from. Just try to be tuned in enough to know if it's one or the other.

then again, we could be reading too deep into it...and the double fuck-you with Deadpool is a solid pic any way you slice it. ;)

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I'm confused as to when you sent the picture. I read it like you took it and sent it while she was sulking.

It is borderline and certainly not your biggest issue. It appears to me to be an symptom of your underlying oneitis and fear of your wife's emotions. Like you were trying to make her laugh or gauge her mood when you know she's mad. Eventually, you'll have ZFTG about her tantrums. And won't be in any hurry to text her anything, especially when she adds so little value to your life.

[–]herpy_McDerpster1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You guys are reading too deep into it.

If you do stuff while her feefees are tweaked that you would do anyways (while having and being fun), you're good. This includes taking pictures.

It's not rocket science.

[–]fakefalse1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

If she's being a shit, withdraw. Remove yourself from her as a punishment for bad behaviour. Do your own thing as though nothing has changed, keeping in mind that you are withdrawing your time and energy from her. Logistics are fine. No more.

You sending the pic, "cause you would have anyway" is not consistent with withdrawal.

I get what you're saying, but you're missing the point. You're still thinking about her.

BTW: for noobs, this shit is rocket science ;)

[–]herpy_McDerpster1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fair enough. We all have more to learn.

[–]ARREST_HILLARY_NOW1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

yea its so annoying when you start doing something and your wife who was just chilling on her phone all of a sudden wakes up and starts trying to 'add value' heh dunno

[–]ARREST_HILLARY_NOW0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

that sounds really rude..

[–]mrpthrowa5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

You handled it ok, but I would have just ignored her when she starts trying to intervene.

She already knows she was doing something inappropriate. You should never have to say the same thing twice. First strike you present options on the table, second strike is to ignore - which is brutal on any woman's ego. I bet she wasn't trying to help, she was trying to get your attention - she is jealous of how well you're handling the situation and are giving your attention to your kids. She's just another kid in the house.

Overt command: "I will handle this". Then covert communication - ignoring her intervetion = "You are being unhelpful, and I am not going to veer off my plan".

Kids are amazingly quick and adapt at learning who is in charge and following up leadership. They also need to learn how to deal with this crap.

[–]Griever1144 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

Im sorry but I disagree with a bunch of these comments. Women will find a reason, any reason, to be "overwhelmed." Its a bullshit excuse. You wanted fucking kids, guess what, THEY DONT HAVE AN OFF BUTTON. Some reference, Ive had the flu and since i was home i saw the house wasnt up to par with people coming over the following day, took care of the entire fucking house, while ill, in an hour. My father who worked night shifts while my mother worked during the day, made DAMN SURE, that the house was clean every single fucking day. No excuses and did it before he slept during the day. I have no sympathy for STAHM or STAHD. That is your job, not watching fucking TV and fucking off.

She says she is not cleaning the kitchen and I can handle everything - while walking away angrily and saying sarcastically "Kids, your dad is in charge".

You're god damn right you are in charge, and look at that, you took care of business. Keep up with the Broken Record and thats it.

Keep on the path, you handled it fine. Reclaim that house

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Totally agree with you. She sounds like a waste of space. But it'll take OP a while to get there

[–]sh0ckley1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Totally agree in principle but I have found that sometimes the "how" can be modified to achieve greater result without being supplicating. It's a case by case basis.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy

Good job. The kids need solid stability and you need to ignore the bullshit flack and it will go away

Behind close doors you need to remind her that "the children's parents need to be on the same page for their benefit and she does not need to argue with you. Also, I will state that you need to draw a line with her respecting you. And, enforce, it or it will get way out of hand

Now be the king and arrange for some daycare shit for her to get just a little break.

[–]crimson_chris[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

7yr old is 2nd grade - so at school from 8:30am - 3:30pm. The 4yr old is un pre-school from 7:30am (I drop him off) until @ 4:30pm. She basically has the day to herself (volunteers and is on the board at my daughter's school). So.....daycare is there.

Shit at home just really needs to be reset. 90% my fault for being a white knight for most of the relationship. Working on enforcing boundaries. Thanks for the advice.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Holy fuck you got your work cut out for you

If she is full time get her to drop him off to keep her on a schedule Don't do too much for her

My fucking neighbor is a stay @ home wife, she says shit to my wife for years and I just fucking fume. I have nothing against stay @ home moms, but when people have too much time on their hands, they can really con volute some shit

So, I am fighting menopause herd, bullshit drama from my wife's nasty friends. It's herd mentality shit........ You can't make her avoid some cunts in the volunteer shit, but, you can stay on topic in your conversations, and steer her away from the influences.

Also, try not to do too much just your fair share the respect thing is huge, and a lot of American women, mine included get complacent and bitch no matter how much you do for them.

I have confidently nailed down Dread is king, Always be on the cusp of her feeling she needs to work to keep you ... due to dread being in full force 24/7 it's tough because of the roller coaster of her fucking you, you get complacent and then the ride starts again.

Be on your best game and control the ride

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Alternatively, actually adopt the "she needs to work to keep you" mindset instead of bullshitting around and bullshitting yourself. Consistency and discipline go hand in hand.

[–]WesternhagenWinner3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

arrange for some daycare shit for her to get just a little break.

Daycare when wife is a SAHM? Screw that.

SHE HAS ONE JOB. Right now she's not doing it.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol, SAHM, with kids that go to school.

How the fuck that requires a break is beyond me. At that point, I would be thinking of a different conversation. Babysitters get paid minumum wage usually

[–]tslextslex4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Someone needs a spanking.

And it is not either of the kids.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (10 children) | Copy

Your wife was overwhelmed. Happens to moms all the time. Their hamsters get overloaded with all sorts of manufactured problems. Then you come in and start handling shit. Makes her feel inadequate. And to top it off, you make her feel like she's not a valuable member of the team. You've gone from drunk captain to "The Boss" and she doesn't want a boss. She wants a leader. She's going to rebel against you're authority because you haven't earned it just by virtue of having a schlong.

Next time, say "Hey babe, let's work on this together. You help Billy, I'll help Betty, then we can do the dishes together. We're a team." Pat her on the ass, feel her up, long kiss, do your chores, then screw.

More fun. Less "Respect my authoritah"

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (7 children) | Copy

Why would you placate and submit to her frame? She's being insolent, it's a manipulation, attempting to placate her.

I'm all for means to an end, and stowing the ego. In this case, it's a power struggle on her end, and needs to be looked at as such, this one isn't about the nail

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

Who said anything about placating her? OP's ship is in disarray and he needs to be an effective leader. OP's wife is a shitty excuse for a SAHM. She's not going to learn effective coping skills on her own.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

She asked me to take over, which I did.

This is rewarding bad behaviour. I wouldn't have even asked, he'll get there eventually.

I agree, she's not doing her only job. She knows this, hence her insolence.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

I agree, she's not doing her only job.

I can't fathom a SAHM being overwhelmed after having at least 7 hours of quality alone time.

Instead of her getting bitchy with OP, the OP should ask himself why wasn't the kitchen cleaned during her brutally tough, yet daily reprieve?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I can. I just got out of a change management meeting, where the PM doesn't understand a firewal port change, and drags it on for an hour.

It's part of the 'women are children' angle. Many women have horrible time management and patience skills. In this case, OP may have to handhold her, train her by the numbers...

Or she's simply lazy, in which case, he needs to have a different conversation

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Copy that. I see what you're saying regarding the hand holding, but this instance screams laziness, as you mentioned. That or complete indifference.

Either way, I should have clarified my previous comment.

a SAHM worth her salt being overwhelmed

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hard to say, only OP will know that.

[–]officerkondo0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

the OP should ask himself why wasn't the kitchen cleaned during her brutally tough, yet daily reprieve?

Indeed. I really feel bad for these guys who married western women. My SAHM wife will proactively apologize to me if I come home and the house is not up to snuff.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Your wife was overwhelmed.

Ohhhh yes.... because staying at home all day by herself, from 8:30am - 3:30pm is extremely overwhelming.

Then you come in and start handling shit. Makes her feel inadequate.

She should. She's not holding up her end of the bargain.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think the "more fun" is the key aspect that most guys going Rambo miss.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Insolence... She gets it, she's not on your team.

So fuck it, if she's not on your team when work has to be done, she doesn't get the benefits either.

I'd argue hard line, your tribe, your rules, your responsibility. She can get on board, or not.

The only thing I'd suggest is not having your 'I got this' in front of the kids. This rift will be taken advantage of by them, guaranteed. Regardless of whether homework gets done, she will be on board with the unified front.

[–]InvincibleKraken1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's always easiest when you get home expecting to have to sort out the kids and all the nonsense at the house she "didn't get to." Just expect it. As you're driving home from work, go through all that needs to be done that night for everyone--kids, her, you--and make a plan. Execute the plan at home. She doesn't need to be informed except as it involves her directly. If she hassles you, just tell her you got it. Move on.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Why the hell would you pay someone else to watch your kid (by the way, daycare is crazy expensive) if you have a perfectly able SAHM sitting at home. Fuck that shit!

I've said it a bunch of times, IMO SAHM should be only allowable for the first 1-2 years after a kid is born. Beyond that she needs to get out and earn money. Otherwise SAHM becomes her long-term job, which is NOT as difficult as our culture leads us to believe. She loses an understanding of what hard work actually is as well as the value of money. And once you have allowed this to go on, there is no going back (part of their master plan, by the way), they will tell you that they have been out of the job market, etc, etc so they can't work. Oh, and what do you think happens in divorce? She talks about how she quit her career to raise your kids for you, and now she can't go back because she was away for so long, so she needs you to pay for her to maintain her sack-o-shit lifestyle.

This is how you end up with a lazy cunt who spends the day drinking wine and complaining with friends (aka book club, tennis club, rotary club, etc) and figuring out ways to waste your money. Then, when you are busy working to pay for all the stupid shit she wasted your money on she is getting resentful that you are "always working" etc.

For me, rule #1 is that my wife needs to have a career outside the house doing something meaningful. Not working part time at the tanning salon, not selling makeup, etc. Idle hands are the devil's playthings, and that's what you get when a relatively boring creature is just sitting around at home waiting for you to come home and entertain her like a puppy.

[–]crimson_chris[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

So we have been in Cali for almost five years. She did not work the first year here. Worked for two and took off last year when our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD. So it's temporary. She's kept busy being on the board at our daughter's school and with art (she has had some success making and selling - but no where near what she was making before].

Goal is for her to get back in the game this summer.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Goal is for her to get back in the game this summer.

Who's goal? Goals are the impetus for action. I bet the "job search" turns out to be a very long a fruitless process, where she will impress upon you how worn out she is from all her efforts trying to find a job, both physically and emotionally, until the point where she has you agreeing that it is best for everybody if she just keeps being a SAHM (she will get bonus points when she convinces you how she has sacrificed so much to be a Mom, since now she can't get her old career back).

Also, ADHD is par for the course these days. If your kid has Down Syndrome then by all means SAHM is best. The rest is BS.

Busy with school, etc is still another version of pretend work to make herself feel better (hamster away the fact that she is not productive) and leverage to convince you how busy she is, and how the family would suffer if she had to work more. By the way, pro tip: "family would suffer" is code for I won't have sex with you.

I think you have a lot more work to do at home than you realize, but, this is something you can do. The best day to plant a tree was 30 years ago, the second best is today.

For reference, my wife and I are both extremely busy and we make it all work. We have a nanny to help part time during the day, and are very focused on not just advancing our careers but achieving our "exit point" where our work loads will significantly drop and we will have lots of time for ourselves and to do the things we want with the kids as they get older. Our kids are about the same age as yours.

[–]crimson_chris[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So, I never wanted her to be a SAHM. We actually had a big fight about it wayyy before we had kids. She said she wanted to be a SAHM after kids, I told her that she'd need some domestic training. LOL - that did not go over well. My fault for enabling this bad behaviour for so long.

I need to help guide her in the right direction as the SAHM route is not adding enough value at this point. Also, both kids will be in elementary school next year.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, if you don't grow a pair now, once the line of both kids in school and she is still SAHM is crossed, the path back is going to be all the more difficult.

[–]sh0ckley1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

In the KWML archetypes, each one has shadow polarities. The King shadows are "weakling" and "tyrant". OP is now the latter.

When I reclaimed my power, I swayed too far as well and I think some degree of this unavailable as a man learns to balance the two.

Find your balance. She doesn't want a boss but rather: a leader - a true king, and she is shit testing you by making a mockery of what she desires.

[–]SexistFlyingPig0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your actions (taking care of the kids, directing your wife) were great. Just try it without getting butthurt about it.

I think that her mockingly calling you king is actually a good thing, because it's progress towards you actually being king. My ex used to joke that she was the boss, but then that contributed to slowly making it true. (That's why she's my ex and I'm taking the red pill now)

She set herself up as the victim. She was the victim of a 4 year old and a 7 year old with ADHD. She knows she's incompetent, and she has no idea what to do to change it. She needs to you lead her and to take care of things.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I think you handled it fine. Once it was decided what would happen, you were right to stick to it.

The issue here is whether this kind of thing happens all the time. Is this a common occurrence with your wife, where she gets overwhelmed? It happens to EVERY wife sometimes. But if this is happening frequently, more is going on and you need to get to the bottom of it. What makes me think this is common is your statement that you "have a long way to go to reclaim my kingdom".

[–]crimson_chris[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Well, I'd say I was a tipsy but not drunk captain. I am the sole bread winner, I do the majority of the cooking, I handle all the finances and running the house is @ 50/50 right now. My wife has a background in education and she's a SAHM mom - so she managed the kids and school. I am involved - but she has been leading.

I have always been very involved in our kids lives but that is one area of the family she was leading. I have stepped up to take on more after our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD, but my wife 100% led there (getting the diagnosis and getting my daughter initial help). My wife also has some health issue and tires pretty easily - so I end with most of the kid management (outside of school).

I also think that it's a bit of my lacking a vision. Once I got my MBA (8yrs ago) and started making over $100K I kinda lost my "hustle". There was no "what's next" next for me, I thought I "had made it". So I'd say that I have been operating without a clearly define roadmap for the last eight years. That is not to say that I was a slacker. Over the last 8yrs we had two kids (post MBA), bought a house, then moved from Dallas to Cali, and I switched careers (which was a goal), and I make close to $200K now. BUT - no plan or roadmap - just taking things as they came. It worked out - but not great or I would not be here, right?

So I know that is what is lacking for me at this point and I am working on trying to figure that out. My 30's were a bit of a doldrum and I was in more of a reactionary state. For everyones sanity (primarily mine) my next big goal to tackle is creating my MAP. I am pretty good at winging it, but I am seeing that personally and professionally that will only get you so far.

[–]WesternhagenWinner1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I am the sole bread winner, I do the majority of the cooking, I handle all the finances and running the house is @ 50/50 right now.

You realize that normally, the SAHM runs 100% of the house and does the cooking too, right? As she should! You are busting your ass and from all appearances, getting no credit for it, and it's not even helping her get her act together.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

What the fuck are you doing keeping her around? Sounds like she doesn't do shit? You have zero standards and are surprised when people disrespect your zero standards? You reap what you sow.

[–]crimson_chris[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the advice?

Agree that my standards for my wife have been pretty low. The reason does not really matter but it's being corrected. I quit my last job since I was not getting what I wanted so now bringing that mentality to my marriage.

[–]crimson_chris[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Oh, one other item. I think you have to evaluate bad behavior vs. just being a bad person/harpy bitch. My wife has a lot of bad behaviors that I have enabled for the last 20+ years. It'll take some time to correct, but she's a good person.

[–]AustralianArm0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Her mocking needs to be cut off straight away. Make it clear you will not be mocked and make sure the point hits home.

And you might need to have the second guessing you in front of the kids chat again.

But kudos for keeping frame in the heat of battle.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2021. All rights reserved.

created by /u/dream-hunter