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She cheated? Do the work. You suck at life? Do the work.

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March 5, 2017
9 upvotes

This is part OYS, part FR, and the inspired result from u/thefamilyalpha's Day5 challenge: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/5xjz1e/men_of_march_day_5/

I'm posting this here to hopefully show the guys freshly finding these painful truths that there is a light at the end, and doing the work does get you there.

Prologue - I found out a year ago wife x 10 years cheated on me, more than once, with more than one person. I was devastated, and it threw my entire existence into question. In this time, I’ve devoured sidebar, pursued MAP, advanced at work and in gym, and have moved past the anxiety of trying to determine all the circumstances and details omitted or truly forgotten. I still wake up thinking about it. I still feel anger and hatred, but not all the time anymore. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m starting to find myself.

For various reasons (fear of divorce rape, kids, logistics, etc. as well as poor frame, uncertainty, etc), she’s still in my house. Which makes moving through this much harder, however it’s kept me honest and my eyes held wide open to the reality of my/our past.

Why am I still tied in knots over such a predictable (well-described by female hypergamy) and common thing? I’m beginning to realize it’s much more than the physical act of her cheating, lying and omission. It’s the change of status in my mind - mine, ours and hers. I'm reclaiming the pieces of myself from the debris and doing forensic analysis.

It’s not just the commonly referred trope “loss of trust”. I used to consult her, to empower her, to lift her up in spite of herself. I no longer have the strength or desire to do so, and don’t plan to return to that place. Maybe this is anger phase, maybe it’s my fledgling boundaries… IDGAF.

I looked to her for approval, for permission, for validation, input, perspective. It’s disgusting to me now. I gave her my reigns, and basically asked her to think for me, to make decisions for me, mistakenly believing this deference was LOVE. Sometimes she ate it up, like it made her feel important, but I was a drunk captain and I ran the ship aground by having no vision, no leadership, no presence.

Sacrifice has been most aptly defined as trading something of more worth for something of less worth.

By sacrificing myself, taking the name of love and generosity in vain, I neglected to develop my own boundaries and values - I became worthless. I lowered my own value, put-down hobbies, neglected friendships, and lost myself in work and drinking. All while putting her on a pedestal she never wanted. I made myself need-less, castrated, and weak by going all-in on the nice-guy [non]game - expecting gratitude, affection and validation in return.

I ran out of myself to give. I became passive, resentful, clinically depressed. I erased myself through my own best efforts, instead of building a strong foundation and structure for my family. I mistook this self-sacrifice as love. I failed myself and those I claimed to love, then sought to avoid the problems I cultivated through distractions, alcohol, etc. because I was overwhelmed, drowning and hopeless. I thought about suicide every day - not that I wanted to die, I just wanted to relieve the pressure I buried myself under.

The upheaval from her infidelity gave me cause and motive for painful introspection. My confusion from her hampstered rationalizations and truly awful circumstances inspired my full revelation that we’re not this (Disney) couple of special people, with a special connection - I’m just a voluntarily enslaved beast of burden with no real sense of self, and she benefited from that. My best efforts propped her up at best, and eventually enabled/facilitated shitty behavior which I continued to tolerate.

Of course she wants to revive that relationship, to maintain her status as benefactor of my efforts, but there's no going home.

I cultivated and maintained a primary relationship by giving everything of myself; my time, commitment and my efforts all in the name of love and generosity, with the expectation that it was mutual (covert contract: give away everything and I will inspire the same and get love, affection, everything in return).

It’s not all negative. There were several things that I did succeed with and I’ve been rebuilding myself. It’s been a long hard road out of hell, but well worth the struggle of owning myself.

By grabbing my eviscerated guts off the floor and peering deeply into the disaster that I allowed to become my life, I found clarity in a hard to swallow pill (I could have added another metaphor or two).

My partial list of successes -Consulted my attorney about options ⁃Powerlifting 3-5 days per week ⁃Transitioning to BJJ and boxing, loving it ⁃Picked up music again, studying and learning more seriously than last 15+ years of playing ⁃Feel no more guilt about stupid shit: having needs, traveling for work, being unavailable, etc

TLDR: fuck you. do the work.

EDIT 1: changed LTR to wife, was purposefully trying to be vague, but this detail seems necessary.

EDIT 2: added reasons for why she's still in the house, and consultation of attorney


Post Information
Title She cheated? Do the work. You suck at life? Do the work.
Author standfuckingstrong
Upvotes 9
Comments 51
Date 05 March 2017 04:12 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206459
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5xnhu5/she_cheated_do_the_work_you_suck_at_life_do_the/
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Comments

[–]abdadaRed Beret13 points14 points  (16 children) | Copy

I stopped reading at "for various reasons, she's still in my house".

Let's list those reasons or GFY.

[–]standfuckingstrong[S] 3 points4 points  (9 children) | Copy

Mostly excuses based in fear and lack of frame. I.e Not knowing what I actually wanted, fear of making "wrong" decision. Fear of Divorce rape. Kids. Etc.

I'm at the point where staying is harder than leaving.

Forgot to mention I consulted my lawyer. Moving forward.

[–]abdadaRed Beret1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

Oh you said "LTR" not "wife" in your post. So I assumed she was a girlfriend. May want to edit that.

[–]standfuckingstrong[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Done. thanks.

[–]absolucion0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You want to stay with her? Why? I understand not wanting to lose access to your children and I understand not wanting to lose all of your assets but instead of being an adult and voicing her unhappiness (and before any of you guys parrot material we've all read, one thing women can do when they're unhappy is bitch & moan), she decided to go fuck other guys instead.

[–]WesternhagenWinner2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I was hoping to get to the part where he said "those reasons are no longer valid and just told her to get the hell out." But alas.

OP, you have not "peered deeply into the disaster" deeply enough until you confront the reasons she is still there. Obviously, the primary reason is your fear. You are afraid of confronting her. You are afraid of being alone. You are afraid you'll never get another woman. You have to conquer those fears. Your "partial list of successes" are meaningless until you do. You do not value yourself or "own yourself" until you do.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Ten bucks says he doesn't answer.

[–]abdadaRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'd be ten bucks poorer then.

[–]BobbyPeru1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I stopped reading at "for various reasons, she's still in my house".

Exact spot I stopped reading.

Newsflash. You're still a huge faggot.

[–]anythingincRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

In this [year], I’ve devoured sidebar, pursued MAP, advanced at work and in gym, and have moved past the anxiety of trying to determine all the circumstances and details omitted or truly forgotten.

I still wake up thinking about it.

I still feel anger and hatred, but not all the time anymore.

I was in your shoes for about 7 days. That is how long it took me to find out, feel like I did my due diligence, and then both of us move the fuck on with our lives. Those 7 days SUCKED. Why the fuck anyone would want to live that way for a FUCKING YEAR! is beyond me. You must be a special kind of stupid masochist to do that to yourself.

The upheaval from her infidelity gave me cause and motive for painful introspection.

The fucking RED PILL solved this for you!! You don't have to lay in bed ONE MORE FUCKING NIGHT wondering:

  • 1) Hypergamy don't care
  • 2) She was never yours, it was just your turn

And now to make it personal:

  • 3) She thought she could get away with it
  • 4) She didn't care about the consequences
  • 5) She didn't value her life with you enough refrain

And the cherry:

  • 6) She wagered your bitch ass wouldn't do shit.

All this bullshit and anxiety and sleepless nights are due to this last one. You won't do shit, that dichotomy between doing what you NEED to do and what you ARE doing is what is fracturing your very self.

You are living a lie, part of you wants to fix this, part of you is still doing this for her. Yeah, divorce isn't fun. Yeah, coparenting isn't the ideal way to raise a family. Yeah, being alone can be intimidating at first. But it is better than the life you have now. And is the ONLY way your life will ever be better.

I know it feels good to imagine reaching some pinnacle where she is such the perfect wife that it compensates for doing what she did.

200lbs, 15%BF: 400lb Squat, 300lb Bench, 450DL Good job, going well. Every 2- 4d routine, she initiates, at home and night.

You should be there bro.

Psyche: Depressed, paranoid, drained, stuck feeling

But you're not. You being the best version of yourself is not going to take those dicks out of her mouth. If you were the type of person who could live with that then you wouldn't be here, but yet here you are. To repeat:

the dichotomy between doing what you NEED to do and what you ARE doing is what is fracturing your very self.

You lived for her, now you live for fear, time to live for your self man.

[–]standfuckingstrong[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This pretty much sums it up. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (33 children) | Copy

For various reasons, she’s still in my house

You are a faggot, who would rather feel bad about yourself then own your shit.

pussy

[–]standfuckingstrong[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I see the 'faggot' in my ways, hence the writing in the first place - to sort it out. To put it in plain sight.

'Owning it' is why I decided to post, instead of just filing it or deleting it.

'Feeling bad about myself' was true about me, for a long time, indulged in weakness and low emotions. I'm moving past this, stronger in myself, and clarifying the vision of what I want for myself.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

most people here were told they were faggots the first two times they posted. Don't feel too bad.

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

For various reasons
For reasons

Hehehee.

[–]mmcgrath points points [recovered] | Copy

Why did you alpha up so hard just now? Are you trying to fuck this guy?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (28 children) | Copy

haha. nice. shaming too.

yes. I want to put my large alpha peen in his butt.

heh

[–]mmcgrath points points [recovered] | Copy

Sexual strategy side bar on me too? Bend over big boy. I'm on my way.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (26 children) | Copy

fist, tell me what alpha up is...?

I am confused.... I was just telling him that he is being a faggot and not owning his shit... and you got all aroused.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret3 points4 points  (25 children) | Copy

Tourist with a bird chest came in to play. Weekends on this sub are so fun.

[–]mmcgrath points points [recovered] | Copy

Just tired of the unhelpful and often toxic comments from this community to men looking to better themselves. OP either read the sidebar and knows already or hasn't read the sidebar and the comment was just useless or confusing.

I'm just one of many men in this community who thinks name calling to random internet strangers is pathetic. Grow up.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret7 points8 points  (16 children) | Copy

Please poll the group regarding the tone of the subs.

You're wrong. This isn't a hug box. We're grown up enough here to not have paper thin skin just under our men's medium shirts.

Tone police somewhere anyone gives a fuck, but not here.

[–]mmcgrath points points [recovered] | Copy

Lulz. Read my comment history. There is some great content on this sub... Some. Not the utter shit creeper stalkers like yourself post. Later.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (14 children) | Copy

/u/RuleZeroDAD /u/Scurvemuch

OP can take a few days, I've given some reading material, assuming the issue here is ignorance, not squeamishness.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet3 points4 points  (6 children) | Copy

We call guys faggots and pussies because that is what their wives are calling them in their own heads. Sure, we can stick with calm, rational and supportive discussions, but that's not how the real world works. I'd much rather be called a pussy and a little bitch from some guys who are trying to help me, than from my girl the day she leaves my ass for some guy who isn't a pussy faggot. The world is a cold and unforgiving place, and this sub should be no different. Women certainly operate in the mindset, it would be a disservice to act soft and pillowy to the guys who come here, who often don't know that they are being too soft.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You understand the problem and have seemed to have analyzed it from all angles.

With that said, you miss the forest for the trees and remain an educated faggot for your lack of meaningful action.

Until that thing you live with is out of your house, and you demonstrate abundance, your self-aggrandizement is self-delusion.

[–]standfuckingstrong[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

True point. I spend too much time with thoughts, ideas and perspectives, and not enough on action.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You are only 5 days into this journey, and I am feeling a little generous today, for reasons. So here's some thoughts and ass-kicks for you.

OP I read the whole post. Absolutely depressing. You have made a mess out of not only your life, but hers. Life has a way of getting even with us, doesn't it. Having your wife fall on some other guys dick, not that is one hell of a lesson from the universe, isn't it.

Overall you say you were/are a second rate husband (faggot) and she was/is a second rate wife (whore to me). You guys are a pair. Just on this surface look, I can see why you are still in the same house together, regardless of the atty's advice.

You thought you could have the easy life. You didn't have to do much to be a man for your wife, and you would have this Disney blue pill existence. You get fed and laid regular, and your wife got.....

Well, she got a bit if a shitty bargain when she married you. Only 5 days into the RP and you are already admitting to shortchanging her "a little" in your marriage. We all know from experience here, that more than likely you gave her the short end of it "a lot". But that is for your ego to unload over time. Realize you are going to have to come to terms with the full weight of being a full blown faggot. Understand that you haven't even started to take responsibility for what a crappy husband you have been, yet. Make no mistake that all of the EC's here can see this, whether they take you to task on it or not.

Some things in your post remind me of a post history that could help you. This guy was a full blown beta like you, only his wife dropped divorce papers on him unexpectedly. Read all of the post history of u/Bogeyd6 . For me it was like reading the history of a bad ass warrior. There's gold in those pages for you faggot.

Do you like it when I call you a faggot? I hope it just makes the little hairs on your neck stand up. It's time for you to get just plain old pissed off at me, and everyone on this sub. Make us your own personal tar baby. Enjoy.

There is nothing I can tell you to do that isn't on the side bar. But I will guarantee, that if you do the work, for you and for yourself only, you will survive. Your marriage may or may not, that is for you and only you to decide.

I really don't have much problem that you are staying with your wife for now. You're getting laid regular, and you get a top notch sparring partner to workout your new found lifesaving tools on.

You have a lot of work to do, faggot. Best.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You can change your life for the better. Only problem is you have to want it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

This isnt a coping strategy, thats deadbedrooms

[–]standfuckingstrong[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

I'm not interested in merely coping.

I'm working on thriving.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (5 children) | Copy

right. This is why you haven't bothered to own your shit, but give out some emotional fan fiction.

this isn't the first self-pep talk in here, it won't be the last.

the ability to make you being a cuck sound so poetic is kind of new, usually it's just a brain dump of 'woe is me'. in your case? It sounds as if you're the lawrence of fucking arabia of cucks.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

the lawrence of fucking arabia of cucks

This movie coming to PornHub soon....

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

It sounds as if you're the lawrence of fucking arabia of cucks.

You know, I can't tell whether you're bloody bad-mannered or just half-witted....

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I'm an enigma. Mark Twain meets the youtube comment section.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So, M-Twizzy, what now? Proceed to fool the OP rather than convince him that he's been fooled?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

SO tourist, what brings you to my neck of the woods, rule 0?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Divorcing isn't mandatory. But finding your balls is. Find them and use them and you'll be fine

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Wow. Amazing what facing your suckidous can do ? Low value is low value. Next time you will vet the trash

Don't let fear control you, get the facts from the attorney and move forward.

Nothing like letting the truth set you free

[–]standfuckingstrong[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Damned hindsight. You're 100% right on vetting. It's painfully obvious [in retrospect] how I ended up here. I'm sparing details for brevity.

[–]Blunter-S-Thompson0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck brevity, own that shit.

Maybe someone will be able to give you an example or perspective that you never would have otherwise come up with yourself.

[–]Terribledragon4Hire0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So you advance at work, and she still is living in your house? So essentially she still gets the advantage of you providing for her.

I don't get it.

[–]Tiway220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why are you still living with her?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

(fear of divorce rape, kids, logistics, etc. as well as poor frame, uncertainty, etc),

It's funny, in your edit, you really have no idea why this is the most important part of your post?

Addressing your fear, inability to act, plan, your scarcity mentality... Those are 100% the issue, not a chick who likes new dick

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Of course she wants to revive that relationship, to maintain her status as benefactor of my efforts,

I think you fully understand your situation.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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