Updates: She called me this afternoon and said she wants to discuss things with me, I playfully teased her for 2 minutes and told her that I am meeting with friends, and she should call me later at night.
Later today, she called again and spoke for 15 minutes about how the only reason she was too much into our relationship and that she doesn't take care of herself.
She took an old history from her book, and tried to bargain with it : One month ago, while in LDR I told her that it is no longer acceptable to go out and drink unless it is with people I trust, she tried to make a fuss about it but finally agreed. Today she decided that it is time to renegotiate that deal, and said since she will be thinking more of her needs maybe she will start going out against my orders. I confronted her about it and asked clearly "Are you saying you will go out and drink without my approval" she said I will think about it and before I do anything I will let you know. I told her that if she does that its over...she shut down, literally, it felt as a if I unplugged a battery-less laptop.
After some shock processing she said that she knows she loves me and that she needs to think about all this and clear it up with herself, I eased the conversation into a more fun one, teased her for a bit; at the end of the convo she ended up by "I love you" to which I replied "me too" before hanging up.
Now as I am writing these lines, I have mixed feeling about it; I can't help but feel it is a small victory for me in my quest of regaining rein of this relationship, but I also know you guys are definitely gonna point out something I did wrong, so please tell me if I am DEER'ing or I am genuinely getting somewhere here.
Original Ppost Let's get straight to the point:
I am 26 M, typical bluepill and I have been in LTR for 3 years now (1.5 year living together) with a hot sweet girl. 6 months ago I got a generous offer from a reputable private equity firm 600 km away, and moved out. we decided to have a long distance relationship.
I have never read TRP (before last week) but I have been listening to youtube podcasts of a guy named "Coach Corey Wayn" who is preaching some of TRP materials, and it was, in part, thanks to him that I got my current gf.
It wasn't until this week that I realised I am in a "unhealthy" relationship as I am not really acting as a man: I am letting her make many decisions, I apologize to her just to end and argument, I fail her shit tests...as I said, typical bluepill.
On the other hand I am pretty focused on my career at the moment and, I think, that is maybe the only reason she is still with me as it helps me pass "some" shit tests, even if I am not aware of them.
Today was my first try at using what I learned in TRP:
Context: she is going to buy a car, 5 minutes before she met the salesman, I talked to her in the phone and told her to ask him about typical stuff such as technical inspection, intervention history of the car... She doesn't know shit about this stuff, asks anyway and didn't understand what the salesman threw at her. She ended up looking like a an unexperienced, unprepared and fake buyer.
She swarms out of the dealership, calls me and start bitching about how I didn't prep her for the sale, and finally blamed me for ever telling her to ask about the stuff.
My reaction: before I would just bear it, hang up and talk to her when she cools off. But today I didn't, I decided to test TRP.
I calmly asked her if she is angry with herself or me. She said she is angry with both and started bashing me again. Right then I stoped her, told her, angrily, that its no manner to talk to me, that its her fault if she wasn't prepared and that she is responsible for her actions. I let her know (quite aggressively - is that good?- ) that I will not hear anymore of her banter and if she wants to discuss this calmly we can, else I am not interested; she then tried to say something loudly and I hang up!
10 minutes go by and she calls me again, this time way calmer, she told me that she doesn't understand why I did what I did and that the way I reacted was violent. I said that I wasn't interested in discussing my reaction,but I will gladly discuss her inconsiderate action. She tries to reel from that subject and discuss my reaction but I didn't cave, then ended the conversation said bye and hang up!
The retaliation:I went to the gym, when I got back she had left a message saying "I feel this is the beginning of the end". Now I need to say that she never said anything like it, she never been manipulative and this was a first.
I got scared for a bit, but then rationalized that since this is the first time I react this way it is only normal to see some new things from her.I told her that she can call me if she wishes to discuss, she did.
Long story short, she acknowledged the fact that she has no right to talk to me like this, but she insisted that she did it because she was angry and that she can't always control her anger and that she expects me to be more understanding. I said that I will not tolerate any lack of respect whether intentional or not. She then said she wants to think about whether she can be with someone, with whom she should always be mindful of what she says and does.
I held frame (if that's what it is) and told her she should think about it and do what she think is good for her, as I ll be doing what is good for me; I then said good night and hang up.
So MRP please tell me:
Have I just lost my gf? Was my approach to TRP state of mind correct? if not what have I done wrong, and what is the right way to do it.
side question: about the part where I angrily and violently answered her, I read in TRP that I should never be (or at least show) anger. However, I don't see how I could've handled it differently, do you have any ideas??