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How to swallow the "people cheat" pill?

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February 7, 2017
8 upvotes

Heya, I'm a new MRP, found NMMNG 2 months ago when my frustration and depression with my relationship reached a climax where I started flipping out and realized I have to end.. something.

Basically few weeks prior to my explosion I thought I finally knew why our relationship isn't working -- I was pretty sure in my mind my wife is cheating on me. After all, the cirmumstances reminded of the same than all of my prior relationships where my GFs ended up cheating on me. (lack of sex, no respect etc.) Although I failed to collect any hard evidence that shit took control of me and finally I exploded, took a shitstorm on her and tried to forcefully with all my interrogation skills to dig it out of her. After that episode I was over, I realized I'm pretty messed up either way and started packing. (didn't get no admits)

The next day I just had a moment where I realized that MAYBE there is a reason all my relationships and prior gfs had played out the same script and I got fucking lucky when I discovered NMMNG.

Now 2 months later I've read it twice and I'm now reading through The Married Man Sex Life Primer and lurking here daily, making changes in my life. Things are already looking better although I've only begun... it feels like my life is saved. Finally someone got through to me and shook me awake..

Anyway, right now I'm really struggling trying to swallow the "cheating pill". Ideally, I'm trying to accept that in this world people do cheat on people all the time, my wife or anyones wife definately may have cheated on their husbands without no-one ever knowing etc. But the image of my wife in some dudes lap is just turning me inside out. So far in life I've kept my eyes wide open, trying to control my wife so that she never goes to places of high likelihood cheating. (for example, 2 days cruise ship is pretty popular trip here.. fair to say a lot of cheating happens there) In times of great anxiety I've even gone through her phone and shit like that, so that I feel that I have this situation under control. Of course now I realize among all things that I can't definately control that, she will cheat on me if she will no matter what and most likely I'll never have a clue if she's not intending to get caught. I really need to grow and rise above this issue of mine and stop spending energy on it and fearing it.

I don't know if its my shitty past (that I don't blame anyone for except myself) but it's just so goddamn hard to really truely trust although I really don't have reason not to with this person. Except that she's human, and most cheat at some point and I've been hell of a beta for many years.

What is your take on trust anyway? Should I be able to trust that my wife is better than 90% of the women out there? Or is it enough to trust that if she does cheat on you and gets caught, you'll be ok eventually and somehow find peace in that thought?

I know this is quite beta shit but I feel like I need to pass this obstacle right now and would like some feedback from men who may have tackled with this stuff in the past, so I can move on.

Now that my eyes are open to how this world really works its just a struggle everyday to stay cool headed and moving forward. The sun is so bright to my eyes still.


Post Information
Title How to swallow the "people cheat" pill?
Author TaistoKarhu
Upvotes 8
Comments 37
Date 07 February 2017 12:40 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206543
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5sl5sv/how_to_swallow_the_people_cheat_pill/
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Comments

[–]SteelToeShitKickerRed Beret21 points22 points  (4 children) | Copy

Ok, here's where you are getting this wrong. The point is not to obsess about your wife cheating and accept it. The point is to not worry about it, because if she does, you are out the door swimming in pussy in a month.

Should I be able to trust that my wife is better than 90% of the women out there?

No, you have to trust that you are better than 90% of men out there. Are you?

[–]Coniferous_886 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Solid fucking observation- this is really the essence of MRP...improving yourself, becoming the prize, standing out as a man in sea of mediocrity.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (6 children) | Copy

Honestly...I don't buy into the whole "my wife can't go on trips by herself or with girl friends". Absolutely she's more likely to fall on Chad's dick when she's 500 miles away drunk at a dance club or whatever with her girl friends...but where do you draw the line? No going out with the girls to a bar? No going out with the girls at all? No going to the grocery store by yourself?

Honestly if she did go and cheat, I'd probably laugh and say "thank you...now I don't have to sit here anymore and ponder whether the value you bring to me is worth me sticking around."

I have to say this is coming from a guy who's wife is much less likely to do that because she doesn't go out, she doesn't have friends, and has a shy personality. But for you...you shouldn't be either too trustful OR too untrustful. This is what OI is...she could cheat, she could not cheat, either way you can get on with your awesome life.

[–]TaistoKarhu[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Me neither, I even know that much before 'awakening'. She has a lot of GNOs now that we have a child together and I never told her she couldn't go anywhere. But when she spends the night over somewhere else it makes me feel anxious and thats what I told her always. That if she wants to go she should go but it makes me anxious. I even told her that she should probably go either way so I'll get over my problems one day. She knows about my history (5 gfs who I in retrospect leaded to Chads lap) and has been sympathetic at times.

I'll add that I know this is a very beta way to control, but controlling anyway. Probably would have gone deeper if I had to.

I'll want to underline that this is not something I will accept of myself anymore or in the future. It is time to face the devil in me and next time she wants to go on a cruise boat I want to pack her bags myself. Just wanted some tips how to get there.

Oh and for me, it's not so much about her cheating with anyone, I too can accept the end of this relationship any day I believe. For me, more accurately it's about her riding and blowing Chad and me not having a fucking clue.

[–]KyfhoMyoba0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ohhhhh, she's cheated. Overnight GNOs? Have you even read the sidebar?

[–]anotherswingingdick-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

But when she spends the night over somewhere else it makes her realize that u/TaistoKarhu doesn't have any testicles

fixed it for you!

and next time she wants to go on a cruise boat I want to pack her bags myself, but i won't!

fixed it for you....

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Had this early on in my map. Only solution that worked was have it set up so you can replace her.

Have a 'fuck you' fund, an exit strategy, and potential girls to game. At that point, your life has a 'give me a reason', and fuckd if it doesn't provide a great frame to keep you mentally healthy

[–]KyfhoMyoba0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Depends on who her girlfriends are. Sluts? (She gonna cheeeeeeeet.)

[–]anotherswingingdick-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly if she did go and cheat, I'd never know it

fixed it for you!

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (3 children) | Copy

You can cheat and she will never know. So can she.

Spend your time and mental energy trying to unlock a puzzle of weather she cheated, and you are wasting valuable time you need for fixing yourself. Many a man has done himself or his lover in, when he got it in his head that she was cheating.

IT IS REALLY HARD TO CATCH A WOMAN CHEATING, WHEN SHE HASN'T.

Your concerns about her, are bullshit mental smokescreens to keep you off of the hard work of fixing you.

The standard advice here is "trust but verify". Now that you are aware you can do that, in the future. You cannot go back and do forensics on you mates fidelity. You are not CSI. All you will do is make yourself angry and sad.

Give it the f__k up and focus on you.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Even so, trickle truth at best and with no evidence she will deny deny deny.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good comment. And, OP, when you trust but verify, don't talk about it to your wife. Don't talk about your fears and insecurities about this to her.

[–]TaistoKarhu[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Needed this. Thanks.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

It concerns me you put so much effort into controlling her. It's not healthy. It sounds like anxious attachment (look up John Bowlby)

If my wife wants to go somewhere then she does it and then so do I.

I go on men's surfing trips to Mexico and she goes with her friends places. Do I cheat? No. Would you. No then don't worry about her.

Move on

[–]drty_prRed Beret5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy

I've said it lots, this is the toughest pill to swallow, but swallow it you must. The way I've delt with it best is to continue to become the best man you can. In reality, there is nothing else you can actually do man.

Now to the meat of the post. You flipped out on her accusing her of infidelity?? Basically that is like saying "I don't trust you anyway, so you may as well go fuck someone else". Fuckin shit man! This is a demon you have to deal with in your head. If you must vent, come here and let the team call you out on you faggotness.

Even not letting her go on a cruise ship shows her you don't trust her. Read this shit asap man.

https://therationalmale.com/2012/08/27/girls-night-out/comment-page-2/

[–]TaistoKarhu[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah, I don't trust. I guess I've been too weak to trust. Thanks for the invite.. I'll hope I've shown my worst already though.

Even in that moment although I was still unaware of all this I know I went too far and my crazy had really done something irrepairable. Thats why I realized I need to break up from her.

I will very well accept the consequence should it come to that, but now that I have found out whats wrong about me and for the first time in my life have a fighting chance to make myself whole, I will take this chance to be in this relationship for better or worse. If she cheats on me down the line I know its because of what I did before I 'woke up', not only this but the other shit too. Then it's the price I have to pay... But in the meanwhile the chance of bettering this relationship is a fuel to this process, although I realize that may not happen at all, but at least I have something to reflect on.

I guess this post of yours really got me deeper inside my own thoughts. Maybe the fear comes from knowing that I've been shit of a man for so long and that I may very well have to pay the price no matter how hard I try. I don't picture myself afraid with a new woman.

But at the end of the day I'm doing this for myself and if it comes to that I'll hopefully be a better man then.

Oh and.. I can't really regret it either. That day for the first time I saw with my own eyes the problem is me, not her.. and I found all this. It had to go that far.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You've read NMMNG, so you know you can't rely on women for validation. What are some things that you do better than anyone else? What are you doing for a career? How can you be the best ____ you can be?

Find your passion and go for it!

[–]drty_prRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You lack confidence at a high level man. You need to improve yourself greatly. You're in the right place to do it. You need to do some real self evaluation. Look yourself in the mirror and don't lie to yourself on what you need to improve.

Don't worry about your relationship. They come and go. You need to make sure you become the shit. So if/when you have to start a new relationship, you do it on your terms and get what you want out of it.

[–]nastynickdrRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Figure out what is your mission and what are your objectives in life. Set goals and pursue them. Self improvement is great. Focus on you. Work towards something. Hint: mission/objectives/goals involve YOU. "I want to be always there for my kid" "I want to do a MBA to improve my career" "I want to improve my squat/bench/deadlift by xx% / "I want to gain x kgs of muscle and lose x kg of fat" "I want to make new friends and new outside hobbies" "I want to improve my bicycle ridings skills" "I will only eat real food and no more processed crap" etc. etc. Those are all valid. Things that will make you happier, healthier, increase your value, give you more security etc.

"I want a wife that doesnt cheat" "I want a wife that fucks me whenever I want" "I want my wife to respect me" "I want to never have to divorce". Those are bad, because they dont depend only on you. They also depend on someone else. So they are sources of drama and frustation.

You know whats the best way to LOWER the chance of a cheating wife? You being her best choice, or at least she thinking you are. If she sees you as the shit, the man that her friends say "wow, you got lucky to snatch that one!" she PROBABLY wont do anything to risk "losing you". But if you are a fat worthless piece of shit with no life, what she got to lose? Words written in a marriage contract or whatever wont stop her from cheating, especially with todays marriage laws where she going to get her cash and prizes and prob keep the kids on a divorce. So, keep reading the sidebar, improve yourself mentally / phisically / professionaly so that if you find out your wife cheated, you will be in a better place to get younger/hotter/higher quality women.

[–]RBuddDwyerRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Forget her possibly cheating, you cannot control that. You can only decide what you will do should you ever find out it happened. Start reading up on stoicism. I'd start with Ryan Holiday's book, The Obsticle is the Way. It's not quite stoicism, but it's the easiest introduction. You need to focus on getting yourself under control, since that's the only thing you have any control over.

[–]IIlllIllIIIllIl2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

<Should I be able to trust that my wife is better than 90% of the women out there?

No. Put in the work and trust she won't find anything like you out there. Use enough dread so she knows if she does, you're not gonna put up with the aftermath.

And AWALT, there is no 90%.

[–]atlhartRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

I think you're struggle is a case of Oneitis. You think you're wife is your special snowflake. She's your princess, and you don't want anyone else to have her.

You should read The Rationale Male very soon.

You're wife is not yours. You are not hers. Y'all are just two individuals who happen to be sharing an experience together right now. And maybe you're the only one fucking her at the moment.

What you need to teach yourself is who gives a shit if she's riding Chad? If you aren't there, you need to work towards it. You need to fill up your life. You need to become abundant.

If you are a man that women want to fuck and that other men want to be, then you will learn two important things

1)That you won't have to worry about you're wife riding Chad, cause she'll want to be riding you.

2)That you don't care if she's riding Chad or you at all anyway. That life isn't about that.

[–]TaistoKarhu[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Bought it. I'll start reading it right now.

I really want to own what you said here.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Swish it round and round.

Gargle it...

enjoy the various flavors

[–]southpawshuffle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A metaphor for life, if there ever was one.

[–]TaistoKarhu[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Appreciate all the replies, read them all many times and internalizing this shit. I'll keep going over them should the demon come whispering.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If she's a smart quality woman, she's probably already on her way out. Good on her.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

There's a weird narrative like doing MRP things will make a particular woman want to fuck you like an animal. Wrong.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I regularly suggest to do an infidelity "check up" once a year, limiting yourself to a specific amount of time to be snooping (3 days, for example). If you don't find anything, rest easy knowing that everything is good and don't think of it again. Absolute worst case is she cheats the next week and you don't find out for another year. She is still fucking you well and being a good wife, right? So, it isn't really a major loss, one year of getting good sex then you drop her if you catch her. If you never find out, well, that's Schrodinger's pussy, what you don't know won't hurt you.

In general, her fear of losing you should trump any desires to mess around.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Maybe take all this energy you are expending focusing on her and playing out cuckold fantasies in your head, you can instead put all that energy into lifting and reading more than 2 books from the sidebar. Spend six months to a year focused on your self-development first, without sharing it with her at any point, just do you, and at the end you will be so outcome independent it won't matter. If she cheats you will next her, or you will find a hot 18-year old that thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread and leave your wife for her. Either way, you win. But LIFT first god dammit.

[–]TaistoKarhu[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Joined the gym a month ago first time in my life. I've been doing sports for a few years, but lifting was 'too alpha' and 'mainstream' for me before. Damn what I've been missing out.

[–]spexer-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

TRUST IS BULLSHIT.

It is an idea that someone is morally obligated to be with you and only you, regardless of attraction.

So instead focus on where you do have control and power. You can attract her to you by being awesome.

and guess what, the same goes for her.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Trust is bullshit.

It's a self licking ice cream cone. It justifies itself. It places the "untrustworthy" in a position of weakness....so really trust is a matter of control.

Stay the course and you remain trusted. It ensures you can never say no and leave, otherwise you are untrustworthy.

what the other party never realizes is that maybe their trust isn't wanted or needed.

[–]Coniferous_880 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

"and guess what, the same goes for her."

Excellent point...the road of attraction goes both ways.



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