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[follow up] You Find Nude Photos of your wife....

by [deleted] | January 27, 2017 | askMRP

18 upvotes

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Title [follow up] You Find Nude Photos of your wife....
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Upvotes 18
Comments 65
Date 27 January 2017 05:43 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206582
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5qihdt/follow_up_you_find_nude_photos_of_your_wife/
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[–]RPAlternate42Red Beret27 points28 points  (3 children) | Copy

A tip from my father: never question anyone until you know the truth. Questioning isn't to suss out information, it's to see how far the lies go and how deep the rabbit hole goes.

When my father asked me about something, it was because he already knew the truth.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

When my father asked me about something, it was because he already knew the truth.

I literally tell my kids this before I ask them a question. "Now, before you answer, remember that I already know everything. The penalty for lying is 10X worse."

One time my son got 25 squats for doing something wrong. Then once he stopped, thinking it was over. I had him do another 250 because he lied. BWAAAA

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Excellent advice, he probably figured it out the hard way.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's a good tip

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Good for you.

Effective use of mouth sounds to confirm a previously established boundary. No harm done. She knows it's a deal breaker to sext other men.

The end.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do you really need to verbally articulate the boundary that you won't tolerate her sending nude pics to another man? Sometimes, the act of stating what should be an obvious boundary only weakens it.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

"[T]o have and to hold. . .forsaking all others. . .etc..."

It's been articulated once. That's enough for us.

[–]ArchwingerRed Beret4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

It's not a good strategy to ask a question to which you don't know the answer, when you're going to get the same answer from a liar that you would from an honest woman.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Agreed.

Not a good strategy.

But I was playing a bad hand and needed the best strategy for the situation I was in. For me, that was establishing a boundary in the event something may have happened. More importantly, an understanding on her part as to what would happen should she choose to pursue this sort of thing in the future.

What would you have done?

[–]ArchwingerRed Beret7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

I would have shut the hell up, kept lifting weights, eating clean, dressing well, making bank, hanging out with bros, and subtly flirting with women hotter than my wife.

You don't have to tell a woman "sending naked pictures of yourself to other men is a sexual thing that would warrant divorce". Women know this. Everyone knows this. You didn't set a boundary that she didn't previously know about. You just made it clear to her that you were worried she'd violated this boundary that everyone in the world already knows is a boundary.

Essentially, you said, "I don't know if you did this or not, but if you did, I'm divorcing you! I'm very, very concerned about this. So much so that I pulled you aside to let you know I'd divorce you over it if you did it. So now that you know how concerned I am, I'm going to impotently ask you whether you did it or not and await your answer."

If she's innocent, you just told her that you don't trust her anyway.

If she's guilty, you just told her that she got to you and you're weak and insecure.

I'd have definitely shut the hell up.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're right. I needed to go through that exercise in order to recognize that it meant nothing in reality. It was simply food for my own little demon. All part of the build, I recognize that now.

Thanks

[–]anotherswingingdick0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What would you have done?

if you needed to know if she had a bad tooth, would you ask HER opinion? Or would you ask a dentist?

Private Investigators are in the business of discovering facts... privately.

You're pretty weak, OP. the main thing you accomplished so far, was convince her that anything she does wrong in the future, needs to be better hidden.

The secondary thing you've accomplished is, showing her that you don't understand her obligations in the marriage. If you did, you would not have re-iterated them. When you signed your mortgage, did you have a "heart-to-heart" re-signature ceremony a few years later?

you will probably declare yourself the "winner" now, and neglect to follow-up with an actual P.I. investigation of the facts. Because you're too scared of divorce to learn the facts.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (7 children) | Copy

Whelp, shit or get off the pot. My question, when push comes to shove, will you follow through?

Thats the difference between a bitch and a man IMO

[–]InChargeManRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Haha, she's got the itch. "Do I push it to really see what he is made of?"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

I will, 100%.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

unlike WAS, I care a little, like a stupid faggot...

so good luck

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Please, you whine more about that comment than you should.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I love it.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Please! Don't Whine more.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

horse is dead

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not sure I would have couched it with the threat of divorce. Of course she's going to say whatever to make sure you don't get divorced.

Although, she sounds pretty sincere regardless.

Good job.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret6 points7 points  (27 children) | Copy

I'm glad you're happy with the outcome.

However it's been my experience that the direct route will never give you the clearest answer. Perhaps I'm jaded by past experience but direct answers to a question mean exactly nothing.

When I caught my wife red handed in an emotional affair almost 10 years back she swore up and down that there was nothing going on. It would have been believable too, IF I didn't have a months worth of evidence from the keylogger. She stood there like a deer in the headlights when I told her to stop lying to me and showed her the proof.

Truth be told, if I had swallowed the pill back then she would have been nexted that day. I'm still ashamed of myself for how I handled it.

Trust but verify is my only motto now. I've seen first hand how well she can lie to my face. I may be over it, but I will NEVER forget that lesson. A single confirmed slip up like that now and she'd be gone tomorrow.

I think you give WAAAAY too much validity to her straight answer to your direct question.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

Three scenarios:

  1. She is telling the truth. Nothing in my world changes.

  2. She is lying and I find out. We get divorced. I started the conversation ONLY when I was ready to divorce her. Had she come clean, in that moment, I was filing that day.

  3. She is lying and is really, really good and hopes I never find out. She now knows that she conducted divorce worthy activities and doing so in the future (and this time getting caught) will lead to divorce. Hard stop.

So taking the direct route has enabled me to get back on with my life and not waste my time keylogging, etc. I have too many other things to build on than spending the emotional capital tracking her.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Both points 1 and 2 are my default assumptions now. Either way it doesn't matter to me anymore. She may be telling the truth OR lying, and my marriage is either good or its over. I'm ok with either outcome.

The point is that directly confronting her doesn't get you any closer to the truth. I'd treat her answer as meaningless and therefore what is the purpose of posing the question in the first place?

There's only one way to get the truth, however it's not for everyone and I will admit can leave you paranoid and chasing "leads". Better to just reach a point where you trust until given reason not to, then NEXT her if the trust is broken.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She now knows that she conducted divorce worthy activities and doing so in the future (and this time getting caught) will lead to divorce. Hard stop.

Maybe, maybe not. You've created the possibility that you've just trained your wife to cover her tracks better, lie better, and exercise more care and caution next time.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret3 points4 points  (20 children) | Copy

Perhaps I'm jaded by past experience

With yours you have confirmed treachery.

Your approach is appropriate for you and most certainly others, but maybe not OP. Why create mistrust where it is not yet warranted? AWALT is a generalized predisposition of women, not a hard-and-fast rule to run a relationship.

This why I believe YMMV is not used enough in this space anymore. Some men have shady women as partners, some have women who have not earned the shady title as of yet.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (19 children) | Copy

But until it's confirmed, you have no way of KNOWING which is which. I thought my special snowflake would never be capable of such a thing either. I don't even remember what it was that tipped me off, but I knew in my gut that something wasn't right. Follow your gut. If you have to confront her because you think something is off, her answer is meaningless without some concrete proof.

Like I said, I'm incredibly biased.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, he doesnt like being in that place, so he moved on.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (17 children) | Copy

This is why STFU only goes so far in a real, working marriage.

Overtly communicate your boundaries. Make them known early. Have the fucking balls and outcome independence and personal resources to enforce them. Be true to yourself and your vision.

So when you present her with divorce papers after she fucks up, having known exactly what would happen for years and years, you can laugh at her disingenuous tears.

"I didn't know how serious you were when you said that" or "we promised that so long ago" are hamster food for her own psyche. Bat that shit away and do the self-respecting thing and leave like you said you would.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (16 children) | Copy

I'm with you on the clear boundaries, and leaving like you said you would. It's a lesson I wish I had learned much sooner.

The only thing we disagree on is what her answers are worth when confronted with a possible marriage ending question. At that point her words are worth exactly zero in my mind.

No point in asking someone a question they have no incentive to tell the truth about if the consequences of telling the truth are negative for them. They will ALWAYS continue lying until confronted with evidence. Why wouldn't they?

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

If the responses from her are assumed untrustworthy, what are you torturing yourself for?

That's not giving you value, that's anxiety.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

If the responses from her are assumed untrustworthy, what are you torturing yourself for?

Agreed. But also don't forget the flip side:

If the responses from her are assumed trustworthy, what are you torturing yourself for?

So unfortunately... regardless of trust the analysis still remains short-circuited at:

Divorce her or don't, what are you torturing yourself for?

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Thank you for proving the viability of MGTOW?

Leaps of (gasp) faith are required in any LTR. You either like the person you're spending time with or don't. There is no test at the end of the relationship to pass or fail, only an end.

If you're SampsonBrass, and hopefully me, that end is death. For others it's divorce. All things end, so why not at least try and enjoy each other?

I need to buy some (more) stock in the maker of Xanax.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Well, I think we're saying the same thing. My point is stop torturing yourself about whether or not you should make the leap one way or the other. Decide now. Based on the present and what you actually know. Not based on what you don't know or might not know or might know in the future. Get it over with already and stop waiting for proof or evidence to make the decision for you. Better to make the decision and be forced to revisit later than to never decide.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You're at least magenta now.

Preaching action over analysis. (Sheds tear).

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

No anxiety about it at all, I just honestly DNGAF any more. I assume the position that her behaviors ARE trustworthy, IF they are not it doesn't matter. I'm good either way. Took me a long ass time to get to that point and TRP helped a lot with it.

What I don't do is IF I was confronted with a situation where I felt something untrustworthy were going on is ASK HER. What is the point?

If I were to think she is doing something untrustworthy, and she is in fact doing it, why would she tell the truth? In that situation I would revert back to trust but verify. Her answer holds no meaning to me without some sort of proof. Therefore why even ask?

Edit: Changed answers to behaviors in first paragraph. I wouldn't be asking questions if I felt she was being untrustworthy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

The answers serve as her acknowledgement of the boundaries set forth. Her actual answer isn't really important

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

The look on her face, I can guarantee you, was also congruent to her words and conveyed "Holy shit, that's not what happened at all, and I'm sorry that you thought that was the case. The pics were meant for you."

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

How long have you been here? And you still believe that "the look on her face" is an indication of truthfulness?

I used to think so too. You'd be amazed how lifelike and authentic it can be, until you smash it with the hammer of proof and show her you know it was all bullshit.

Hope you never have to experience it. Not like you'd ever know though, because you'd have "answers, congruent with the look on her face".

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Non-verbal cues are normally correct. One normally can't say effectively what the body will betray.

I've been here more than long enough to know that the "super bad lady" that can fake a genuine reaction to stress is the exception, and not the rule.

Alternatively, this lack of congruence is the exact reason why she knows you "just don't get it" when you try to lead or fail shit tests.

EDIT: A woman tearing back the veil a bit.

Sorry man, but if I had the baggage you are carrying right now, I would not be discussing my wife, I would be discussing my ex.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Can't change my own bad decision 10 years after the fact. I can only own it, learn from it, and use it to make better decisions going forward. Hopefully some find my experience useful to prevent making their own mistakes.

It just appears to me that you've been here longer than I, and yet can't grasp the concept of not asking pointless questions that give you no answers.

You clearly have a magical mind reading ability that I don't possess that allows you to tell when "she's telling the truth". I find that laughable based on my life experience.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When I walked away from the conversation, I was confident that there was nothing else that could be done. She looked the same way as she did when I saw them, terrified and somewhat embarrassed. For as well as any man can know his wife, her response was congruent with the events and how she generally carries herself.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I caught my wife red handed in an emotional affair

If your wife is having an emotional affair, how much did you fuck up to get to that point?

And how deaf were you to not pick up the emotional cues.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

10 years ago, made every Beta mistake possible, work schedules meant VERY little home time together. I was doing everything I thought was best for the family at the time, and too stupid to realize I was basically inviting the situation I ended up in.

In a lot of ways the emotional affair ended up being mixed blessings in that it woke me up to how badly I had fucked up the situation. Of course, I didn't really understand that at the time, I just knew that things needed to change.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The logic of your exchange with your wife can be debated ad nauseam.

You had decided your courses of action based on her responses in advance, good.

You are certain you would follow through, good.

You can never be certain of the veracity of her answers.

You can never be certain of her future behavior.

By just saying it out loud, you have reinforced the certainty of your future actions. Your actions are the only ones that matter. Good.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

Thanks for posting this update. That's an impressive solution with a lot of integrity.

I certainly could see myself doing this if I was certain of her answers and was just seeking to confirm and allay a fear that's occupying my mind.

Did you decide you would divorce her if she didn't lie but did answer that someone had seen them? Or that she had considered sending them to someone else (but had not)? What were your thoughts on that. I can see I might have avoided this approach if I were less certain of those answers.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

Had she sent them to someone else, I would have divorced her that day.

If she had someone she wanted to send them to but chickened out, I would have divorced her that day.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Her only incentive not to lie was the possibility that you already had evidence? She has no choice except to provide those answers. Otherwise the outcome is always divorce. If she's guilty, she must call your bluff. With that setup you're always going to get the answer you're seeking. So to me it seems a NOOP. The way it's setup, her only possible answers guarantee you won't learn anything you don't already know.

Edit: I will reiterate that I don't think you ever hand a reasonable suspicion she did anything in the first place given the facts you laid out previously

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly. Pointless line of questioning. If she had sent them to anyone else her ONLY option is to call his bluff and hope that he doesn't have any proof. She knows that if it's divorceville for him finding out about lying later, that saying she sent them to someone else would likely be the same. No win situation for her. The only win for her (if she is lying) is to continue lying. That's what OP is missing.

In other words, no point in confronting.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

she wasn't aware of the consequence of telling the truth (had it been anything other than failing at trying to be awesome). That was by design. She knew that if she lied and I found out, we were getting divorced.

Make sense?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

If she did it, the only uncertainty she has is whether you already know.

She has two options:

  • You already know: you divorce her today regardless of what she says

  • You don't already know: you possibly divorce in the future

Why would she ever choose "divorce today"? She has no choice except to call your bluff.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Is your marriage otherwise good? I mean, if you've endured a dead bedroom and shitty bitch behavior, why would seating throw you over the edge? To me, witholding sex is worse than cheating

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

it's a good marriage, over the hump and getting better every day.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

you should go through the thread and figure it out. i want to see who wrote what to help you draw the connection to the choice you made.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I checked the thread, it wasn't there.

Checked the cross-thread to TRP and it wasn't there but there is a deleted reply in a stack with someone saying to confront her is foolish. My guess is that's where it was.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Oh well.

Honestly I think we're much better about picking up on body language communication than we give ourselves credit for. We just like to believe the lie sometimes because it's easier.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

3 possible outcomes from this exchange:

  • When you said it, if she was completely innocent, you showed low class insecurity. She now thinks you don't trust her. Contrary to what is commonly talked about on here, a lot of women do value trust. That doesn't disprove the nature of hypergamy.

  • When you said it, she realized how close she was to getting caught. Considers herself lucky and respects your boundary. In this situation, she still will hamster it into you ot trusting her. Fact.

  • When you said it, she realized how close she was to getting caught. She loves fucking her lover sooo much though. So from here on out, she will act completely off communication that you can trace. She could easily do this. Also, this still shows a lack of trust.

You have been killing it on here lately man, this though, was a total fail IMO. This was completely in her frame regardless the outcome of the conversation.

The only way you could mention it and still hold frame is indirectly. In the heat of a real fun conversation, you slide the topic into your buddy from work who caught his wife sending nudes to another dude. Guage her reaction. Even this is tough though bro.

Can't be undone though dude. Life goes on.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This conversation took place shortly after I found the photos.

I started killing it after it happened. It was my wake-up call. Walking into a conversation knowing divorce could be on tap within the next 10 minutes changed me.

I agree with your points, all of them.

Lift/earn/read/parent/initiate and flirt. Nothing else matters.

[–]DonaldBaelish-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Man, she switched from android to iPhone! I told you to divorce her ass.

All jokes aside, I don't believe this was the best course of action but if it turns out okay, then it's okay.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

"God yes" my ass



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