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First post - seeking words of wisdom

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January 13, 2017
10 upvotes

Hey fellas. Been lurking for awhile. I was textbook nice guy for 9 years of marriage and it just sucked. Couple of young kids. I've done a 180 in past 2 months, set off by NMMNG and this thread. Biggest change is just the mindset I now have. It's changed everything. I can't believe I lived the way I did. I now hit the gym early (5:45am) 6 days a week, I've got my house in order (manically cleaned and organized everything over a few days and now expect everyone in the fam to keep it that way - I lead by example), I own a small business and have been more disciplined with my hours and spend a lot more time away from home, I STFU most of the time (which has greatly perplexed my wife since I used to talk at her constantly), I have quit whining, complaining, and including my wife in discussions about my own life (another perplexing thing for her). My wife, who was totally wearing the pants the last 10 years, is totally shocked by this. I can tell she has a lot more respect for me, but I also sense that she sees my transformation as a threat. After all, she's been forced to lead the past 10 years and now I'm taking the wheel back. She's been saying things like, "I guess since you're a 'man' now, you can be an asshole?" and "you treat me like crap every day" and "we are co-captains, you don't know everything!" She's also been extra protective of the thing she knows I want: sex. We have scheduled sex once per week, which I've toyed with ending, but for now it's a guarantee to try out being more masculine in the bedroom and taking the lead. It's mostly starfish, and I'm close to saying "this isn't working for me anymore" since I know she is hanging onto the one thing she can control and using it to try and make me break frame. She's succeeded a couple times, but lately I've just STFU or grabbed a book and started reading (another thing I gave up was the insane amount of time I spent staring at my phone).

Here's one recent example of an interaction that I'd love advice on.

Her: can we go do this thing I want to do this morning?

Me: Weren't you going to yoga at that time?

Her: No. I don't want to go.

Me: Well I can think of another way we can get a workout in.

Her: Keep doing that. It's working really well for you (sarcastically - since she's resisted really any sexual advances I've made other than scheduled once per week days)

Me: STFU

Hope the background helps and would appreciate any and all advice as I continue on this journey.


Post Information
Title First post - seeking words of wisdom
Author stew7000
Upvotes 10
Comments 52
Date 13 January 2017 08:24 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206653
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5nt11q/first_post_seeking_words_of_wisdom/
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frameliftcloseNMMNG
Comments

[–]weakandsensitive4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

So... let me get this straight

Red pill rambo.

Most likely incongruent body language.

And massive covert contract.

You think three days (or 2 months in your case) of lifting is going to change 10 years of historical data?

As for

She's also been extra protective of the thing she knows I want: sex.

How is she in control of where your dick goes? Maybe she isn't DTF, but I guarantee you some other sl00t out there is. Oh wait, you haven't done jack shit for lifting or becoming a more attractive person - maybe she is the only person who'd fuck you. Pity.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Harsh words are good for the soul. Thanks man. I absolutely know that 2 months won't change 10 years and I'm in this for the long haul.

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I really like your attitude and response.

Let's fix one thing first. Scheduled sex is an obligation. It's like taxes on April 15th.

When you guys were first dating, did you schedule sex? So why are you doing it now? What problem was it trying to solve or mask?

Maybe the problem was that you guys weren't interested in making time for it? Maybe it was that you wanted it too much and she didn't want it at all and this was the compromise she was willing to suffer.

That leads to 2 follow up questions.

  1. Are you a man worth putting energy and effort into pleasing? If not, the problem should be easy.
  2. If you are worth pleasing (and hopefully you're not just bullshitting yourself), what type of expectations have you set?

Imo, from where I sit, and just how soft you are (nothing personal, that's how men are raised - most men don't have the ego to take this shot impersonally), I think the answer to both of those is a resounding no.

Right now it's not about the sex. Start taking ownership of yourself, your weak body, your weak mind, and your weak vision first.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill6 points7 points  (12 children) | Copy

Congratulations! You've gotten the "Why have you turned into an asshole?" speech. It's a badge of honor and you should embrace it.

The long story is, are you fuckable? Rule of thumb is that for every year of fucking up your marriage, you need to work on yourself, your MAP for a month.

At this point she's sensing the changes but you are still not attractive. So fuck her when you get the chance. Initiate if you feel like it. Scheduling sex is a horrible idea for a multitude of reasons, but instead of taking it off the table change the rules of engagement. Initiate midweek. Try in the morning like you did. The key is become outcome independent.

Keep doing that. It's working really well for you

Hero: Love you babe!

smacks her butt and walks away.

Your end game is to convey to her that you are a sexual being, you like sex, and you express love through sex. She can be that outlet or not. Of course you need to be attractive. Are you a fat fuck? Are the chores getting done? Are the finances in shape? Who does the bills?

A woman like your wife may not relinquish control easily. So don't put it to her in that context. Instead, make it about choice for her.

"Hey I'm going to do this... Want to come?"

"Hey I'm getting Thai food, you want to join me?"

You've delegated your Captaincy to her for years, don't expect her to give it back easily. Be a man of action, not words.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret2 points3 points  (10 children) | Copy

Got the "you've turned into an asshole" yesterday as well.

Wife wanted me to rub lotion her feet, I didn't want to. So I didn't. End of story. I actually laughed inside at the request. After almost 20years together I'm finally comfortable saying no to her even when I know it's going to piss her off.

If I had felt like doing it I would have, but I didn't.

She was pissed before bed, played the nice card this morning, texted her an inside "Friday the 13th" joke this morning which frightened her and gave her a laugh at the same time, and all is well again.

Being called an asshole never sounded so good.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill7 points8 points  (4 children) | Copy

I've found that when they get indignant at this flip the script.

"We're you asking me or telling me?"

"Of course I was asking."

"Well then I have the right to say yes or no?"

"Well... yeah... but..."

"Well I said no, because I didn't want to."

"You can't get mad at me for simply saying no? Or can you?"

Watch the mental discord happen right in front of your eyes. Not everything is a battle to be won, but sometimes you need to hold them accountable for their actions.

After doing this with my wife she's learned the valuable lesson that if I say no, it's the end of it.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Great tips. Thanks!

[–]stew7000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Solid. I'll try this one as frame strengthens.

[–]stew7000[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Welcome to the asshole club

[–]midlifedick1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Secret handshake is

Up high...

Down low...

You only want me for sex.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah I got the "you have changed" -and not in a happy voice

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Being called an asshole never sounded so good

it is almost always good.

[–]weakandsensitive2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

have you ever laughed directly at your wife?

[–]stew7000[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man, good stuff. I actually did consider it a badge of honor. Especially since she is such a goody goody and never swears. I'm definitely flipping the script and that's exciting. I much prefer that to the old "be a man" or "stop being a baby" that I'd get in my beta days. In response to your questions I'm in OK shape (I've always been a runner), not a FF at all - gym is taking me to a new level tho. I've always paid the bills and run the finances department. She's a SAHM and I do well with my business. Her wearing of the pants was at the emotional and household level, and now that's changing. The journey continues...

[–]bala-key2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is a good start OP.

My 2 pieces of advice:

  • Give it time. If your were 10 years together, count 10-12 months before you find your new normal. And prepare for the road getting bumpy at times. Read up on the 'main event'.
  • Take it slow. Don't go 'red pill Rambo' because it will unnecessarily destabilize your relationship. You can find advice on this in the archives. One of the most common noobie mistakes.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is gold. I believe red pill Rambo has been a key issue for me that's prompted my wife to really question what is happening instead of appreciate the changes. I'll dig around but if anyone has specific posts or specifics on taking it slow, I'd love suggestions.

[–]Mecha752 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

Stop the scheduled sex as its negotiating desire and she clearly has none. I personally wouldn't tell her, i just would go do something else.

When was the last time you grabbed her ass? Are you gaming your wife? Why wouldnt you do something with her in the morning (i wouldnt do what she wanted, i would take her somewhere else)?

[–]atlhartRed Beret2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

I think not telling her is behaving in a passive manner and beta. Next scheduled session, Op should say that scheduled sex isn't what he wants, so he's not gonna do it anymore. Not communicating and just doing something else is just passive aggressive. It turns his current efforts into one big covert contract. As men we need to own our shit, state what we want, and go after it. Directly.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Could scheduled sex be seen in the same way as scheduling a poker night or a weekly spa appointment or whatever? I wonder if I could initiate on these nights and if she doesn't seem into it (she often isn't) then I can just STFU and do something else? Showing that I don't "require" this weekly scheduled sex as necessary fuel for my week and the precious gift she thinks she's bestowing?

[–]atlhartRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I agree with the others. Scheduled sex is negotiated sex. It'll always be terrible as long as it's in your relationship, and it will prevent you from getting the love and sex you want.

Cut it off. Tell her you're no longer interested in scheduled sex. And the next nigh initiate. Initiate every night. And don't get butt hurt, ever. Save it for the gym.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Let me get this straight. You are asking us ?

Your lack of reading is fully exposed.

Since you are such a fucking slouch trying Fucking her into the mattress each scheduled time while you lose weight and get your Shit together. Perhaps then she might actually respond.

Hint. Scheduled sex is duty for a wife that is doing her duty but is not attracted to the pig with the cock

[–]stew7000[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Definitely have more reading to do, you're right. So you're saying keep the scheduled for now while I get myself in shape? Not much weight to lose (ran 50 miles per week religiously), it's bulk and definition that I'm now going to add by lifting.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is totally up to you. Hust look at the scheduled sex as her olive branch to keep the peace. She values you, but some of your supplicant behavior to her over the years has curbed that animal attraction

You, the man, can build on that. You can read SGM, or by straight up fucking her into the mattress to get yours.

I like to tell all nubees to give her a massive fuck feat to remnber so if you decide to initiate the next night, she might want that connection.

If you do initiate and she says no, you know what your next move is, right ?

Whatever you do, remember that the MAP is the confidence builder for you that you displayed as when she first recognized you as the one.

As you own your shit, your hygiene, your wardrobe and all other aspects, including your leadership come into play, fir her attraction or repellant

So fucking hef on scheduled nights is up to you. But don't read to much into advice from some of the fucktards here that are screaming fuck that bitch, show her. If in doubt, read up above till eyes bleed

[–]stew7000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

yeah. I'm on the fence about scheduling. I'll ponder this. I've definitely upped the suggestive touching and I can tell she's been way more OK with that than she was before because she sees that I'm being more of a man around in life and around the house. Good idea about doing something I want in the morning.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I have a very very similar situation to you.

Take the scheduled sex if you want some starfish exercise -sure why not. I would just do it to get your end away.

In the meantime listen to all the advice and give it all time

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Welcome Stew.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Appreciate it

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

You are a perfect candidate for monk mode but remember being a dick to her gains you no traction. Concentrate on a better you, but always remember to remain upbeat 24/7

This might help and this

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I've read up on monk mode and I'm doing most of it already - I will highly consider doing it full blown. If I did, does that mean no sex with my wife for 3-6 mos? What I read about monk mode, it didn't seem to address that.

[–]SexistFlyingPig-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

Don't do this. It's a bad idea.

Monk mode when you're married is a stupid power struggle. You don't get into power struggles with your wife. You lead. She follows. This needs to be a clear mindset for you. If you get into a power struggle over sex, you will lose. Even if you win, you will lose because then you're legitimizing sex as a weapon.

Focusing on yourself is a great idea, but sex is part of the relationship.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Yes. Killing the sex is not good.

When you look at monk mode, look at it as what can I pull from this exercise course to benifit me ?

There are so many diets and fads, that rarely people choose and stick to one. Therefore the industry is thick and so are American guts.

Hunker down and kill all distractions and apply as to your situation. I saw monk mode a little different. It's not about going deaf mute and wearing bland clothing and sequestering yourself. It literally is about building the best you and stop letting shit distract you

[–]SexistFlyingPig-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

That's not monk mode. Monk mode is being celibate (and focusing on yourself).

Pick different words.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Enlighten me using your definition

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What do you want?

Seriously man, objectively look at everything and tell me, What is your end goal?

[–]stew7000[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've been thinking about this and will continue. What I want is already coming to fruition, which is to NGAF about what anyone thinks and go after what I want. That's been the most freeing thing about this journey so far. I was so caught up in pleasing others (my wife at the top of the list) that I was a total doormat. Beyond that, I'll keep pondering your question.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

Jesus, what a bitchy reply. You must have really been a loser for 10 years. Looks like just the thought of sex with you makes her mad. It's going to take many months of owning your shit and becoming attractive before she responds positively. Shit, she may never respond positively. After a year or so you'll genuinely not care. Keep focusing on building confidence and making yourself a cool dude.

There's no one right way to respond to her shit test. STFU was fine because it didn't make things worse. I make stupid jokes all the time. My wife laughs at about half of them. Doesn't care for 40%. 10% piss her off. It's just girls. Sometimes they don't have a sense of humor.

[–]stew7000[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Bro you don't even know my level of loserhood. I whined, complained, took the path of least resistance at every turn. She saw me as a little boy and rightly so. This has been a real shocker to her. I appreciate the thoughts and I do think it will take some time. I've been working on not caring, and I can see that she finds it more attractive. I've done a terrible job of initiating the past couple times and I think that was on her mind when she commented. I didn't take it personally. Just let it hang in the air and STFU. I'll get through these rough waves.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly mate I think we all "know" that level

[–]SepeanRed Beret-1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

Just keep going, it sounds good.

She'll become increasingly bitching until the main event (a days long shit test on steroids), hold frame through it and she gets much more pleasant. It's how they work.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

This is the first I've heard of a main event. I'll be ready to maintain frame.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Read the Wiki here:

https://redd.it/2m72x0

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Read it - thank you. I'll be ready.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Read all of the Wiki. Best

[–]SexistFlyingPig-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Congratulations on the progress.

You are not co-captains. You're the captain. She is the first mate.

She's not capable of being the captain.

Keep leading. Be the man.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed. When she makes comments about being equal in leadership or me making decisions I've mostly ignored, STFU and she has let it go.

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Her: Keep doing that. It's working really well for you (sarcastically - since she's resisted really any sexual advances I've made other than scheduled once per week days)

Me: ass slap, smirk and walk away.

Action.

Always leave it with action. STFU is very petulant. Whenever I read guys that just use that acronym I wonder what they really did.

Blankly stare?

Chew thier lip?

Pick thier nose?

Show me what you did just don't tell me what you did.

You went into great actions at first, showing me what you've done for yourself but zero on showing me what you did in dealing with your wife. You've got a good start here. Careful you don't fall into validation wanting sex. I sense it's great in you.

Get rid of the idea right now. The easy way to do this is initiate all time and when you want it. DGAF about what she thinks. She can say no or whatever. In fact the best thing here is that you already know her thoughts. IMagine that.

YOU ALREADY KNOW! The worst has happened.

What we tell new EMTs in the field. When you come up on a apenic (non breathing), pulselss patient anything you do is going to save them. So do it.

Think about that.

[–]Nyquil-Junkie-3 points-2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don't understand these sort of posts and problems....

All I (or she) have to say is "lets go fuck" and its off to the races we go. Pretty much anywhere anytime.

I guess I should go to church and thank Jesus or sacrifice a chicken or something.

[–]stew7000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's not her, it's me. Years of beta and nice guy is what leads to these sorts of posts and problems. Be grateful and sacrifice a chicken, yes. But mostly just don't get complacent and start putting your wife on a pedestal or you'll be posting something like this in a few years. I don't see that happening for you though - keep up the good work.



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