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Took the red pill 10+ years ago, lost my way.

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December 30, 2016
7 upvotes

I found the red pill/PUA community about 12 years ago (2 years before I met my wife). I transformed my life and went from blue pill Beta to strong Alpha. I was spinning plates, was very fit and had 4-5 different options I was juggling each week and avoided any LTR until I met my wife.

Met my wife at a bar while she was out with her family, was cocky, funny had everyone laughing their asses off and closed for her number that night in front of her family.

Definitely had oneitis setting in quickly, I wanted a family and built her into what I wanted to see. She moved in 45 days after we met.

Over the next 4-5 years I did ok at maintaining frame we had an amazing sex life and we're getting married. I was absolutely guilty of getting too comfortable/complacent and falling back into my Beta ways.

Big Mistake.

We got pregnant right before the wedding and because of my inability to deal with some things from my childhood I completely regressed after we had kids. Became depressed, angry, starting acting like a nice guy instead of the leader of my family and the man she had come to know and count on. She also has some childhood trauma that makes her significantly withdraw and isolate those she loves when they hurt or slight her in any way. A strong frame is required to deal with it and get her back to herself.

She had to take the lead with parenting, with house repairs with everything except finances (I do well and make $300k+). I stopped working out, I stopped having hobbies I stopped being the person she was attracted to. I got lazy, I got sloppy. House became a cluttered mess, dead bedroom, etc.

I reacted to her shit tests emotionally and took what was once a strong frame and now could barely maintain frame. It would crumble under any pressure. I would withdraw and leave at the first sign of any shit test of difficult conversation. Everytime I tried to start back down the path of self improvement my frame was never strong enough to push through the manipulation and guilt comments. Going to the gym was abandoning my family...

Two kids later. We all know where this leads. Dead Bedroom, her wanting to end the relationship.

I've spent the past month lurking here and MRP reading the prerequisites, learning how I should have been applying what I knew to my LTR and remembering the things I forgot. I'm an idiot.

I started lifting again and asserting myself . I think I jumped back in to my old ways too fast, I still have some weight to lose and my SMV while not what it once was is still high in her eyes. My T is low and so is my energy levels. I wouldn't want to fuck me..

I'm on the right path but now I responded emotionally to another shit test last night, lost frame and she locked herself in a bathroom, slid a note under the door that accused me of cheating, because that was the only she could explain my anger at her shit tests and said she wants to leave.

I recognized this as a test and said "I've been working on things but looks like we ran out of time, I don't want to make you stay in a situation you believe is bad for you."

At this point she went nuclear and slammed the door took the kids in our room and locked me out.

She woke up this morning and said that "we do have some things to work on and that I need to live somewhere else for 3 months while we figure it out. We can re evaluate our relationship after that."

Basically gave me the ultimatum, you move out temporarily or I do.

I'm lost, my confidence isn't high enough to handle this like I should. I don't want to have to look at my kids and say I didn't do everything I could. I don't want them going through the trauma of having to leave their home like I did.

I'm actually seeing this as an amazing opportunity to remove all excuses and get my life back in order over the next 3 months. I needed to be doing this anyway.

Am I an idiot for feeling like this is a good idea to hit reset and let my SMV build before trying to see if this can or is worth being reignited?


Post Information
Title Took the red pill 10+ years ago, lost my way.
Author lunchbreakphilosophy
Upvotes 7
Comments 25
Date 30 December 2016 08:15 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206718
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5l5jjg/took_the_red_pill_10_years_ago_lost_my_way/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Lots of guys come here when their wives move out. I did. I don't think monk mode will help anything. Yes, raise your SMV. But the most important thing you can start doing is STFU and never whine about anything. Don't go Rambo and start setting boundaries. You won't help your cause. Lift, STFU, don't whine. Take time to internalize the concepts. Yeah, you know how to attract a woman. That part is easy. But you don't know anything about how to be a man.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you. That hit me. I really know nothing about being a man.

I think I thought attracting the opposite sex was being a man. I wasn't ready for LTR clearly. Shit.

I cant figure out if she really will leave with the kids if I don't or if it's a shit test to see if she can cuck me.

My brain is telling me to stay, go about business as usual and calmly move past this shit while I work on myself. I think I did go Rambo out of panic. Bad choice.

My heart is telling me I don't want me kids going through having to move out of their house.

Edit: words

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

If she leaves or not it's not your problem. The game plan is the same. Be upbeat, go about your business, workout, and don't whine. Whatever you do, don't leave the house. The courts would eat you alive

[–]BrazilRedPill1 point2 points  (6 children) | Copy

You gain time. You say you want marriage counselling (it's bullshit).

While you are at it you go back to your old ways and everything will be OK. Since you were there before, it will be easier for you. Lift, read, think straight, think hard, be a leader and a funny guy. Fuck money, you are looking for happiness and a family alpha.

Good luck.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

It may not be ok but I'll be ok. I've tried the counseling thing to buy time the past few months. Wish I came here sooner.

I may have to move out, it feels like the right decision. Her leaving with the kids feels so wrong because of my past history. She probably knows that she can get me to leave by threatening that.

I just don't see anyway back for this relationship if I leave. Am I stuck in beta bullshit?

[–]innominating1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It is a false dichotomy. You stay in the house, the kids stay in the house. She can leave if she wants to.

Get a nanny. You'll need one anyway if this ends in divorce.

On that point, start interviewing lawyers.

STFU. Lift. Sidebar.

[–]BrazilRedPill1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

It is pretty important that you don't leave the house; find a reason.

If she is religious, you say you want to talk with the priest; if she is a family girl, you say you want talk with that relative that likes you; if not, you say you want to try this different marriage counselor, wich is way better than the other, etc.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

This was the mother of all shit tests. I left the house worked on staying in frame came back and just went about my business. Worked on unfucking my house and she gave me some resistance but joined right in. I'm not leaving the house. I'm not leaving my family. I'm digging in deep to the sidebar tonight. Thank you guys.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good Job and good luck

Reset and Read the sidebar. Don't go back to being a beta to save the marriage.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

GOOD FOR YOU.

[–]ParadoxThatDrivesUs1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Feels like your glossing over something here. Your wife's reaction is pretty extreme if all you've done is slowly become unattractive.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She's prone to histrionics. She locked herself in the bathroom when I got a text one night she didn't like. I've been failing shit tests for years, it's added up.

Everytime she'd refuse intimacy I'd act like a Beta and throw a fit. Anytime something happens that hurts her or that she doesn't like she completely shuts down.

Things have just been getting slowly worse. My resentment and frustration has built. I've gotten short with her a few times but never anything more than that. I'm pretty sure she's not cheating . I do work like a madman, travel often and work late nights sometimes.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I read NMMG and started trying to set some boundaries. Didn't have the other tools I needed. Should have been internalizing more.

[–]Mecha751 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Other tools to read are TheFamilyAlpha blog and Rollo Tomassi's The Rational Male. Additionally, own your shit. The most important person in the marriage is the man. Without him, it falls apart and the kids grow up disfunctional. And for god's sake do not fight with teenagers (your wife is an eternal teenager as they all are). Realize that at this moment, your wife cannot fuck you because of you. Later (if later happens) when you become the alpha of your family and she doesnt fuck you, then its okay to withhold attention (but it depends on the situation).

Always always maintain your frame.

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

You are acting like a child having the tantrums. I'd fucking leave you too.

My suggestions:

1) Keep all your cards close now. You seem to know what beta is and alpha but you are sucking so badly at being the latter. You've got to draw back a bit and stop being such a whiny bitch.

2) she may be building a case to take the kids especially if you are having temper tantrums. Judges don't like men taking temper tantrums.

3) I have no real clue but it seems you can turn this around. Just stop being such a fuck.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] -1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

My behavior is shit.

Thank this helps. I'm going to the Gym.

[–]alternativeuniversekDEFENDER OF WOMYN0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

It sounds like going to the gym isn't the solution to your problem. You indicated this:

She had to take the lead with parenting, with house repairs with everything except finances (I do well and make $300k+).

And then your OP outlines what you've done since then, none of which includes sorting shit out around the house and family.

Is this the reason why /u/ParadoxThatDrivesUs is correctly pointing out that you seem to be glossing over something here?

Have you started fixing everything from the bottom up, or do you just run to the gym to avoid everything at home?

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Wow. You're right. House is a mess, cluttered, I'm still not really taking care of our home filling my masculine role and I'm acting like a teenager.

I was reading TFA today and the whole your wife and your kids are a mirror concept slapped me across the forehead, then I read this.

I'm avoiding the problem, I'm not handling shit with my family or the house.

I've gotten extreme resistance to being involved in parenting now which isn't that odd since I was MIA.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm a fat slob right now. I have to fix both. I've only been working on the fat side of the equation.

[–]alternativeuniversekDEFENDER OF WOMYN0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

(In response to both of your replies)

The good thing is that you seem to be pretty self-aware and ready to fix things, which is half the challenge. It's normal to not notice that the house has become a cluttered mess and what that means, because we grow used to our environment and don't notice the minute changes that take place over years.

Then we suddenly wake up, notice, and start to fix things. We all trip up sometimes. Life is filled with problems - but we have developed the ability to fix these problems. (From When I Say No I Feel Guilty.)

[–]weakandsensitive-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

What the fuck is this "we got pregnant" shit I keep seeing?

I see it a lot too. Seems to be the dumbest thing.

  1. You're not pregnant fuckwad.
  2. There is no 2.

Also - you reap what you sow. Stop whining. Sounds like 3 months of banging sluts is on the table.

What you need to figure out is how to make sure you keep the kids around while she's moved out - if that's important to you, obviously.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

What the fuck is this "we got pregnant" shit I keep seeing?

This has always irked the shit out of me when hear it. I think it's a feminist social conditioning that's seeped into our culture.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Point taken, removed from vocabulary.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

wow. This seems SOO similar to what I went through. I also had a spouse with some trust issues, and I also backed down to make her happy and took abuse until I became something less than a man. When I discovered MRP I went redpill rambo/anger phase, and that hurt things even worse.

It looks like you are in the anger phase now which sucks. It took me ~3-4 months to get through the anger phase. The anger phase sucks.

For now I'd suggest not talking about the relationship. You come off whiny and angry. Try to project positivity. Spend (what in the past would have been) your leisure time cleaning up your personal areas - own your stuff.

You don't get any leisure time now. You are turning into a man again.

If you make $300K you might consider a home gym. I found a bench/rack combo with weights for $550 on craigslist yesterday. Go in the basement after the kids are asleep.

As for the comments about moving out, don't take them seriously. I doubt your wife has the ENERGY to move out. Smile, put on some beta comfort, tell her you love her and don't want to move out.

If she does move out, then this "amazing opportunity to remove all excuses and get my life back in order over the next 3 months." might be true and just fine.

In the end, you might lose the wife. MRP doesn't promise to save the marriage. It just promises to save you.

[–]lunchbreakphilosophy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

That's what I realized. You guys are truly awesome. That's a good idea about leisure time. I need to get my shit together.

I spent last night after she went to bed rereading WISNIFG and that helped tremendously. I've been avoiding her and hard work at home. I need to just dive into improving my health and house without holding back.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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