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The beauty of STFU... FR morning bed "fight".

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November 30, 2016
14 upvotes

My wife has a bad, rude disrespectful habit of asking me for things before I've even woken up. I've been working on this with her. I also have a rule that our bedroom is for sleep and sex and loving and nothing else.

So this morning I wake up at 4:30AM because I'm hungry from a big workout yesterday and because I'm pretty excited about some stuff I'm working on. I get out of bed, eat a banana and crawl back in. I need to finish my sleep so I can have a good day.

My wife stirs and wakes up. Its shark week and I'm tired so I'm not interested in sex. She says "Wanna chat ?" I sleepily say "Sure". My body language is that I'm still asleep. At this point I'm expecting some soft discussion about about the kids or something.

She starts in full blast on how we need a dog. My head is on my pillow, my eyes are closed. I open one eye and tell her I'm not in the mood for a big discussion at 5AM. Later, please.

So then she starts in about our finances. Again, full blast. I open my eye again and give her a stern look. She stops.

So then she asks me if I can make pancakes for breakfast. In other circumstances this question would be OK, but not now and not with the tone she is using. I sit up, mockingly reach around in the dark to find her head and playfully give her a light slap on the top of her head and then lay down on my pillow and feign sleep. AM without words.

This pisses her off. She utters a few cut downs. I STFU. She huffs out of bed. I fall asleep, truly NGAF.

An hour later, just before 6AM she storms through the bedroom and utters a few more cut downs. Again I STFU.

I get up at 6:30 and run into her at the bottom of the stairs. Without a word I plant a 10 second kiss on her and say "Good Morning". She is pissed but she cant help but smile. She knows she has been bad. She scowls at me across the breakfast table. I smile back at her. Take that, bitch ! Your bad behaviour and emotional outbursts have no effect on me !

Prior to RP coaching, her behaviour would have resulted in a full blown fight between us. I would have been upset. I would have played the scene over and over in my mind during the day trying to figure out who was "right" and if I deserved any of that. My day would have been ruined. Not any more.

STFU is genius on many levels.

  • it doesn't escalate the argument. One person is literally talking to a wall.
  • it keeps me from being emotionally entangled. I'm literally sitting back in my mind and logically analysing the shit she is spewing out.
  • it keeps me from saying something stupid.
  • it keeps me from feeling I have to solve the problem she is bitching about
  • it demonstrates my frame for her.
  • it makes it very easy for me to separate out what is good behaviour and bad behaviour on her part.

Thanks to RP coaching, I'm going to have a great day today.

Edit: the term "chat" in our relationship means to have a light hearted, good nature conversation. It isn't opening the door to discuss world events or anything that takes more than 2 brain cells. My wife knows this. I don't ask my wife if she wants to chat about finances or weekend planning. We call those discussions. They certainly don't happen at 5AM when one of us is half asleep.


Post Information
Title The beauty of STFU... FR morning bed "fight".
Author ImSteveMcQueen
Upvotes 14
Comments 35
Date 30 November 2016 03:32 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206829
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5fq78l/the_beauty_of_stfu_fr_morning_bed_fight/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

Take that, bitch ! Your bad behaviour and emotional outbursts have no effect on me !

...Sure they don't.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (5 children) | Copy

She says "Wanna chat ?" I sleepily say "Sure"

What would have happened if you said, "nope"

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

What would have happened if you said, "nope"

She would have huffed and bitched. I have an entitled woman on my hands. She is always thinking her agenda should rule and she should get what she wants. Times are changing !

The other question is what would happen if I had initiated sex ? That could go either way, 50/50. It has resulted in good sex or a fantastic morning BJTC. But it could also result in an "I'm too tired" response.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

sex aside, she asked if you wanted to chat and you said "sure" but actually, you didn't want to chat. You wanted to sleep. When a struggling guy like me sees the answer this easily, you know you're off point.

Say what you mean.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

She would have huffed and bitched.

So fucking what. You need to get reacquainted with your spine.

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You suffer from poor boundaries. Pull your wife aside one day this week and say, "Hey about the other morning. I don't think it was fair that you ask to have major life discussions after only being awake for a minute. If you want the seriousness that it deserves ask at a better time."

She'll push the envelope and you'll have to push back and say, "no".

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (8 children) | Copy

So this morning I wake up at 4:30AM because I'm hungry from a big workout yesterday

Humblebrag fluff?

She says "Wanna chat ?" I sleepily say "Sure".

then

I open one eye and tell her I'm not in the mood for a big discussion at 5AM. Later, please.

Yet she asked to chat, she asked you for permission to do this and you shut her down. Why not say no?

How is she supposed to follow your lead when you contradict yourself?

not now and not with the tone she is using.

Right, because she spoke when you told her she could.

I sit up, mockingly reach around in the dark to find her head and playfully give her a light slap on the top of her head and then lay down on my pillow and feign sleep. AM without words.

Fucking child

She knows she has been bad.

You're fucking gay

EDIT I'm adding an edit because your edit is aimed at me.

Men look at actions, not words. Your entire edit the term "chat" in our relationship means to have a light hearted, good nature conversation. It isn't opening the door to discuss world events or anything that takes more than 2 brain cells. My wife knows this.

Are just words in your head, they aren't the reality of your relationship. If you want proof, read your own fucking post.

[–]youcantdenythat6 points7 points  (7 children) | Copy

And, another shitpost, this place is getting too predictable. If you don't have something constructive to say, please STFU.

[–]burningBluePills0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

How was his post not constructive?

[–]youcantdenythat1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Because it basically just says op sucks without giving any useful information.

[–]rocknrollchuck1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

So this morning I wake up at 4:30AM because I'm hungry from a big workout yesterday

Humblebrag fluff?

Coming here and bragging about how big a workout he had the day before is a humblebrag about "how awesome I am." That's why he called it fluff. Those that do this usually put in the least effort into improving themselves in the gym, and are lying to themselves.

She says "Wanna chat ?" I sleepily say "Sure".

then

I open one eye and tell her I'm not in the mood for a big discussion at 5AM. Later, please.

Yet she asked to chat, she asked you for permission to do this and you shut her down. Why not say no?

How is she supposed to follow your lead when you contradict yourself?

not now and not with the tone she is using.

Right, because she spoke when you told her she could.

He should've told her "not until I'm awake." She used this approach to ambush him.

I sit up, mockingly reach around in the dark to find her head and playfully give her a light slap on the top of her head and then lay down on my pillow and feign sleep. AM without words.

Fucking child

It seemed AM to him. I can almost guarantee it didn't to her. It seemed like a disrespectful child move.

She knows she has been bad.

You're fucking gay

His attempt at humor shows that he just doesn't get it.

EDIT I'm adding an edit because your edit is aimed at me.

Men look at actions, not words. Your entire edit the term "chat" in our relationship means to have a light hearted, good nature conversation. It isn't opening the door to discuss world events or anything that takes more than 2 brain cells. My wife knows this.

Are just words in your head, they aren't the reality of your relationship. If you want proof, read your own fucking post.

It's clear that his wife doesn't know this, or this situation never would've happened.

TFA's responses don't make sense to some people because they have not taken the time to read the sidebar and internalize any of what is taught here. It takes a little reading between the lines to get the intended meaning, which is intentional to weed out those who have not done the work.

*EDIT - FORMATTING

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

I don't see you contributing anything.

This is AskMRP. Where else are the new guys supposed to post and learn? We all gotta start somewhere and he seems like he's getting it.

[–]youcantdenythat1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I've been contributing here for years and my responses are way better then "OP's a fag omglol!!1"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You misunderstand. I can see very well that you are good at playing armchair quarterback. I was referring to original content.

[–]rocknrollchuck0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your first comment (I went back through your history) was 10 months ago and got 1 upvote. TFA has been contributing way longer than that and his contributions have helped more men here than you've even commented on, period. You should go back through his posts and his comments, you may just learn something.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

"Edit: the term "chat" in our relationship means to have a light hearted, good nature conversation. "

Okay, fair enough.

I had something very similar happen this morning.

I had a banana and hard boiled egg (protein!) for breakfast, after eating only a banana for breakfast for ~3 months in a row. Maybe 4.

Her response was a shit-test style "So you're off your diet now?"

My reply: "What?"

"You were fanatical about your diet for months."

Me: Stops. Thinks. Yes, I was. I also lost 32 pounds. Lost 6" on my waist. Cut at least 6:00 off my 5K time. Got down from a XL to a men's medium shirt, and now those are a problem because my upper body is getting too big.

Yes, I was fanatical about my diet. I feel better than I have in fifteen years, and feel better about my body than I have in at least as long. When I look in the mirror I recognize the person instead of being disgusted.

What I need to do now is stop starving myself and ADD PROTEIN.

I'm not there yet. 16.6% body fat this morning, but the first time I was tested, AFTER some noob gains, I was 22%.

But I didn't say all that. I didn't need to. I ignored it and got on with my day.

Now I could have done better; I could have changed the subject and had fun. (I did not do that, but I wasn't butthurt either.) For now, at least, STFU stopped a fight.

Thank you MRP.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Depending on her tone her question may not be a shit test. "Yes" or "on maintenance" would have worked fine.

[–]mrpCamper-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

"So you're off your diet now?"

I got the same shit this week being Thanksgiving. I also hurt my shoulder so took the week off of lifting upper body. Got a few words about it. I wouldn't take it to heart. I also have lost a crap ton of weight since starting TRP almost 2 years ago and am just in maintenance mode now.

As for adding protein, I had to do this. Greek yogurt and cheese sticks are a great way to just get a few extra grams in. GL and keep it up buddy!

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

full blast on how we need a dog

Seems like everyone answered good for you but I would like to add that a dog is quite a responsibility and can bring so much joy to life.

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If he wants a dog. If he doesn't want a dog, don't get a dog. A morning "chat" at 430am about how we need a dog is very suggestive that he doesn't want one. Its like having kids. If you don't want them, don't have one.

[–]bogeyd6Mod / Red Militia1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wrong frame. That's her frame.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy

facepalm

Hey. You win the punching bag award for most punches taken in a single morning.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children) | Copy

Interesting perspective. How would you have handled the situation ?

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Tbh, i see it as a great first step. held frame, stfu when talking wouldnt help, andnot getting sucked in.

Tfa is harsh because he expects the best, as one should. Think of this in perspectuve, im sure in a few months those wakeup nudges will be for sex.

He is right, if you werent talking, say so. She already thinks youre a fuck, have fun with this, own it.

Eventually, telling the truth will be second nature

[–]red_blue_and_hot2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

First, my response to "wanna chat?" would have been "sure, later, when I am awake" or simply "no" rather than a Nice Guy yes. How do you expect her to pay attention to boundaries that you don't enforce?

Second, like most people, if you ask me for something when I'm disagreeable, I'm more likely to disagree. Waking me up early to talk, especially after I've said not to, makes me very disagreeable, and so might likely get whoever wakes me up the exact opposite of whatever they want.

Outside of that context, A&A would be to suggest that you are going to get at least a dozen dogs, so many that she'll have to move out to the doghouse. Or, that she seems more like the crazy old cat lady, so you are getting her two dozen kittens instead. AM would be to snore obviously loud, with bonus points for mumbling about whatever "dream" you are having right then. But all of that is built on her knowing that you don't want to talk right then, which was completely undercut by your "yes" to her initial question.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

TFA already told you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

He doesn't want to respond to me.

[–]innominating0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I wouldn't have got back in bed.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

kek

[–]J_Incognito1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

My wife has a bad, rude disrespectful habit of asking me for things before I've even woken up. I've been working on this with her. I also have a rule that our bedroom is for sleep and sex and loving and nothing else.

Not to pile on, but work harder at this. "No" needs to be in every man's vocabulary.

Side note - I do appreciate diversity in FR, small victories count too. This just wasn't one of them.

[–]JP1161 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

She asked if you wanted to talk and you said "Sure." And then you get upset that she talked!? You're an idiot and got exactly what you asked for.

STFU and go to sleep.

[–]drty_prRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Spot on. Everything else would have been non existent had he STFU at that point.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Why did you agree to have a chat when you clearly stated you wanted to get some more sleep? If you would have just said "I want to get a bit more sleep, and then we can chat" you could have avoided all this. You did good with STFU when you finally did.

I'm not sure I'd reward her behavior with a 10 second kiss. It may have soothed things over, but what did you do to prevent future BS like this? Next time, don't be afraid to say no.

Recommended reading "when I say no, I feel guilty. "

[–]WhiteTrashKillerRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Are you Retarded? Everything you have written contradicts itself, other than you being a dick and not STFU. You slapped your wife on the head? Do you do this around your children if you have any or anyone else? Here is a good litmus test for you, if another man would have seen you slapping your woman on the head would he slap the shit out of you? If yes you should think twice about physically demeaning your wife to show dominance.

Please take this the wrong way. You sound like a shithead! This isn't a SJW rebuttal, you definitely sound like a dick. She shoulda let you fall asleep, then hit you in the head with frying pan. That she didn't tells me she is weak and what I mean is, she is weak by association. You're a shitty leader......

Start by communicating properly. No, should be higher on your vocabulary WOrds to use in a pinch. Sometimes NO works better than STFU!

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you did well. You're taking a beating for not telling her no, but you'll probably remember it in the future. Good job on a positive change in your life. Sometimes STFU can be the hardest skill to master.

Also, if this is a behavior you can't tolerate from her, figure out a way not to tolerate it. If she interrupts your sleep for stupid reasons, sleep in another room the next night.



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