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How to deal with a fat wife?

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November 15, 2016
12 upvotes

I've done so much in the past couple of years to improve myself, regular gym schedule, back at martial arts, reading, reading the side bar, focusing on my needs. The issue is that now that I have the higher smv, I find myself completely unattracted to my wife. I can't stand that she is overweight, and though she tries to exercise, she doesn't seem to lose any weight. How do I deal with that? I don't want to fuck her, I don't want to hang out with her... Hell I don't even like being seen in public with her. We can't change others, we know that here in the red pill world. My question is, can I make her hot again? Damn I'd be happy with her losing 30 lbs....

I'm at dread level 4, Btw. Pass shit test, dress nice, lift regularly. Sex if I want it... Etc. just, I'm not interested in her anymore.


Post Information
Title How to deal with a fat wife?
Author redpillninja
Upvotes 12
Comments 65
Date 15 November 2016 02:06 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206874
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5d2nmw/how_to_deal_with_a_fat_wife/
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Comments

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (17 children) | Copy

My post balancing the scales focuses on this.

[–]redpillninja[S] 1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy

Thanks man, I am reading it now.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (8 children) | Copy

Let me know if it helps/you have any questions.

[–]CasperTFG_8081 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

Thank you for writing that article and I have questions if you have time.

I am in a similar situation. I was a bad role model, gained tons of weight and so did she after 3 kids. Working on my MAP and today I am thinner than I was when we got married, down to about 23% BF but still on a mission to 10%. She has not lost anything and moreover I am at a loss to help her.

Lights on Shower together - That's not a big issue, she is comfortable letting me see her, still though you had some good tips to make her even more open.

Not in Shape Less attractive:

  • She has been brainwashed by the weight watchers generation, she follows their program and fluctuates up and down, then gets discouraged and quits for a few days/weeks before trying again. I have tried to talk to her about Keto/LCHF but again the brainwashing, her WW leaders tell her it's not safe or sustainable. I cook all the dinners because I love to cook (was a chef) but she is still responsible for 2 of her own meals in a day which are poor choices; Cereal, bread and more carbs and packaged crap. Any thoughts on guiding her to better choices when I am already a solid example of success with LCHF but she won't listen?
  • I work out 5-6 days a week, I encourage her to do the same and recently she went to a Spinning class and loved it so I try to push her to go but it's always an excuse. I think this plays into the final subject on drive.
  • I did have a crazy bit of unexpected success on working out this week. My son wants to workout more so I made up a plan for him weekly and also a short Calisthenic routine for the morning (Burpees, Stretches, Sit-Ups, Air Squats etc.) So I do this short workout with my son and this morning my wife joins in. I gave her scaled options on a few things and I want to keep this momentum going.
  • Final bit, her teeth are pretty messed up/crooked. Her parents couldn't afford braces and she says she is self conscious about them. On multiple occasions I have tried to encourage her, we can afford it, pointing out other adults that we know with braces but still resistance to even that.

Unhappy/Drive:

  • She is done with being a SAHM, ready to put our youngest into daycare and start working again but it's like dealing with a millennial teen. "I don't know what I want to do?". I try at every turn to encourage her, letting her know about volunteer opportunities, telling her that she can go back to school if she wants. The default answer is - I don't know what I want to do with my life... Argh
  • When they say youngest teenager in the house, you are not fucking kidding me. It's like having a 39 year old still living in her parents basement not knowing what she wants to do with her life.

I could go on a lot more but I am starting to feel oneitis and too much focus on her frame creeping in, so I am going to stop thinking about her problems now and get back to me. Any thoughts or suggestions on driving the unmotivated/defeated frame would be greatly appreciated.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Hey man, can you email me at [email protected]?

[–]ShitArchonXPR0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She has been brainwashed by the weight watchers generation, she follows their program and fluctuates up and down, then gets discouraged and quits for a few days/weeks before trying again. I have tried to talk to her about Keto/LCHF but again the brainwashing, her WW leaders tell her it's not safe or sustainable.

Fatlogic gonna fatlogic.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Look into lingual braces. They are less visible than the "invisible ones" and you cant take them out and delay progress. I have had braces 3 times in my life, if its crowding, they dont stay in once place your entire life anyway.

[–]redpillninja[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

I get it... Positive reinforcemt. Ultimately it was my fault, I got fat and lazy....but I have worked with her on diet, exercise schedule and she has seen no change. Not like a month either, we are talking 4-5 months.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Dude, you're smarter than that. You need to look at the entire process and figure out where the disconnect is.

Does she want to improve?

[–]redpillninja[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I get the feeling she does. She has definitely seen the ioi's I get from women, and it has driven her at times to push herself. Just with no results.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

Dude, calories are coming in from somewhere and there not going out somewhere else.

Also, I'm not asking where her motivation is coming from, I'm asking you if you & her have sat down and had a talk about how you're both going to get to where you want to be physically and mentally.

She isn't the enemy, she's on your team and needs help.

[–]redpillninja[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks man. That's why I'm here. I need advice on how to handle the situation. I'd love to say I have all of the answers, but I would be lying :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's all good brother, just keep that point in mind. She needs you to help her.

Her submission to your masculine nature ended up with her getting fat - she has a right to be hesitant following you again.

Inspire and be truthful with yourself and make her be truthful with herself.

She needs to acknoweldge either she is eating too much (probably) and that she isn't giving fitness her all (definitely).

This isn't a temporary change, this is an entire change to who you both are as a couple.

You are no longer binge drinking wine or beer, you're fit. You focus on calories and clean proteins etc.

Help her make the shift mentally, then both of you grind together.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Does she want to improve?

This. There is nothing you can do if she doesn't want it. I relate because your wife sounds a lot like my ex-wife. I too was embarrassed to be seen in public with her. In the last few years, sex was nonexistent… Because, quite frankly, I didn't want her. A sexless marriage is not a marriage is the lesson I took.

Side note;I've been remarried for eight years now, and I get it whenever I want, and half the time she initiates... Due to MRP.

[–]hatepoorpeople6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

and though she tries to exercise, she doesn't seem to lose any weight.

Exercise ain't the solution, she needs to eat less calories. Period.

[–]bala-key7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is key. She can't outrun her fork.

[–]zo341 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I've heard it as "you can't outrun a shitty diet".

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (10 children) | Copy

I'll bet you've never been honest when she throws out comfort tests about her weight.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

That's a problem of epidemic proportions right there. If you don't like shit then say so.

My wife had fair skin that I really liked you know where you can see the blue of the veins? She was always trying to tan. One time she got a "spray" tan. Looked and smelled like shit. You ever smell that stuff? Awful.

She did cry as I recall but never got another one lol. Spray tan easier to get rid of than a fat gut but still who wants to fuck an Oompa Loompa? Or a blimp.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This hits so close to home it isn't funny. Rip white cotton sheets 2008

[–]nantucketghost2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

deleted REMOVED BY AUTOSCRIPT - GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD

[–]redpillninja[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I have not failed that shit test, and I have been upfront and honest with her about the weight. From attraction and health points of views.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Emotional, never logical. That, dread and leadership seem to be the only ones that work.

[–]redpillninja[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm definitely working on a plan. I find I can't discuss anything without first going through an action plan, and itemizing my thoughts and points beforehand.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm definitely working on a plan.

What is there to work on? Babe, you need to lose some weight, I'm here to help.

Add some dread so she is sufficiently incentivied, and do some logistics to set her up for success

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

She said to me the other day"I'd like to lose 15lbs". I said "nah, lose 7 on you stomach and 3 on your thighs. Leave the other 5 on your ass". She said "thanks" and walked away. Failed?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

What do you think...

[–]drty_prRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'd lean towards passed...

[–]ReddJiveRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm in a good mood. Had a great weekend with my girl.

Sit her down. Tell her the health of the family is important to you. Then tell her how you want to address it.

Lead by example. Show her your diet and how she can implement it for her. Trying being a man and raise her up.

She can decide if she wants to or not. You can open the door but you can't force her through it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'd be interested to hear of any men who have had success in leading a wife to lose a significant amount of weight. It's my experience that once a woman is fat and lazy, she's always fat and lazy. For me, it's always been non-negotiable that we stay thin and fit. That was part of my vetting process, as I come from a family of obese people and I didn't want that for my kids.

A fat woman doesn't have testosterone, it's a lot harder for her to lose weight than a man. They're less adventurous and usually don't have active hobbies. Shit food has become a lifestyle for her. It was probably a lifestyle for her parents.

Was your wife fat and lazy before marriage? If so, this may not be a function of poor leadership-- it could be how she is. That's why I'd be interested in hearing stories of wives who made dramatic changes, as I could be wrong. But I doubt I am

[–]redpillninja[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Not at all... She was a teen model when I met her. No bullshit. It's my fault for not stating an unacceptable change like gaining 80lbs. Wtf was I thinking....

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Interesting. Was she ever into fitness or was she just naturally a skinny teenager? I think it's a lot harder if she didn't learn a good work ethic. I mean, you can accept responsibility for letting yourself go, but whatever choices she's made to become a whale are hers alone. I think you need to set expectations, support her in her goals, and give her at least a couple years to become healthy. But she has to choose to do the work. She has to know that it's unacceptable for more than a couple years

[–]Diff888-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lot of good man advice here; too bad women aren't men.

Two things to know about about women.

  1. Solipsism, everything is about them. What is best for me.

  2. They are all lazy. Every single one of them. They hate, hate, hate working at anything. They want to be taken care of. There are outliers on the lazy part, but only because of Rule 1.

In the lion kingdom, the male sleeps, fucks and eats; the female does all the work. It's the opposite for humans. Why do you think we have all the fat acceptance bullshit now? Why is the FI pushing love me for who I am? Because these woman are to lazy to walk and count calories.

The only way to fix your issue to realize rule 2 and apply rule 1. How do you make it in her best interest to lose weight?

[–]ShitArchonXPR0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'd be interested to hear of any men who have had success in leading a wife to lose a significant amount of weight. It's my experience that once a woman is fat and lazy, she's always fat and lazy. For me, it's always been non-negotiable that we stay thin and fit. That was part of my vetting process, as I come from a family of obese people and I didn't want that for my kids.

^

I want to hear this too.

Lots of people on Voat have happy LTRs because it's agreed beforehand that if the other person gets out of shape and fat, the deal's off. The "get lazy and comfortable" marriages are not the happy ones.

[–]PurpleVeteranRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Lots of good advice, but I'm going to disagree with /u/TheFamilyAlpha here and tell you *not * to sit her down about this yet. That's a discussion that can go well or go badly depending on how you handle it.

My advice is to bring her into your frame a step at a time. One of the first things I did when I started my MAP was to invite my wife for a morning walk a couple days a week (and began running on the other days). I used to be physically active, but had let myself go. She was never quite as active and had all sorts of excuses about exercise.

Some days, we used the time to catch up on things or just chat. Others, especially during my anger phase, were just sullen periods of silence. But for 1 hour a day, 3 days a week, we stuck to it -- either at the local fitness center, or when it warmed up, around the neighborhood. She now works 3 days a week, but we still go twice around my running schedule (and a third when she can).

After a month or so of lifting in my home gym, my youngest was interested in trying it, so I invited him down every other day. He kept talking about all of the stuff we were doing, and don't you know, she gave it a shot. She had no idea what she was doing, and resisted my advice quite often -- to the point where I insisted she get a personal trainer to set her up on a program. Instead, she sucked it up and started doing the modified SS 3x8 that I suggested. We've mixed in some accessories, step ups, and resistance bands over time as well. It's been nearly 7 months, and she still comes down unprompted unless she's sick or busy.

As I've updated my wardrobe, both for style as well as size, so has she. Last week, she admitted that she's lost 30 pounds. But most importantly, I make it clear that I notice when she's trying, that I approve of her good choices, and that I set the pace for her to follow: eliminated evening snacks, cooking low-carb keto-friendly meals, and suggesting activities that are active. Sure, I still do my own weight program and have shifted from dieting to bulking, but it's still with an eye on the bottom line for both of us.

Just like having goals are critical to your MAP, they are critical to encouraging the behavior you want in others. I guess what I'm saying is... you don't have to make this a FMoFY type thing. DEER'ing or shaming about her lack of progress is likely to backfire if she's not in your frame. Instead, lead by example and show her the benefits of being on your team.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

He can do it either way, but for this to of been going on for years it may be time for direct confrontation and planning.

I hope OP drops an update in a month or so.

[–]ex_addict_broRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

As you already got much pretty solid advice, here's my 25 cents.

Ex wife can loose weight just perfectly every time she parts her ways with a partner and looks for new prey.

Since I moved out, she already did that cycle twice. Cycle as in slimmed down when was single - suddenly she was able to find her gym membership card, time for cardio, some old diets - then ballooned up again while she was with her new bf, probably doing dirty bulk on pizza, beer and his dick.

As she dumped him when it came out he was a con artist and visited and fucked her in order to get free food and borrowed small amounts of money, she already managed to loose weight again, mainly muscle mass on some fruit diet, she is now "skinny fat" and I just can't imagine how saggy her boobs must look like today. As u/vengefully_yours once said, "you had her during her best years" and I did.

I dropped alcohol, cigarettes and cut down on sugar badly 5 yrs ago. Per MRP, I am a shitty leader, this is why she never took my lead. On the other hand, I also never looked better, I managed to gain muscle since moving out.

That's called "the divorce diet".

As for you not being interested in her, well, are you looking for validation, do you want to cheat on her?

Because I was more interested in fucking an older woman with better body than younger woman with fat rolls. There are some sexy fatties, why not, I like to wrestle with the pigs, I'm only human - but honestly, there are some kinds of fatties that are just not attractive.

I know some guys who look very good but their wives look like fat pigs. If I see such people in public, I always wonder. What the fuck is wrong with those guys.

If you want to leave fat bitch at home, I totally understand you and you have my approval man.

You can't make her hot again. You can't negotiate attraction.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

First of all, you need to educate yourself on how weight loss works. Read about TDEE, counting calories and calorie deficits. You can also make it easier to diet by doing stuff that helps with satiety - keto diets, intermittent fasting like LeanGains, eating low GI and fibrous foods and lots of protein. Everything else is bullshit. You wrote in this thread that she "eats healthy", that's bullshit, eating healthy is not how you lose weight.

Educate yourself you can guide her and make solid choices when shopping and regarding portion sizes.

Second, does she have the willpower for this? If she was properly motivated, could she do it? Some people can't lose weight even when their life or mobility is on the line. Some can lose weight when they have to date. Some go on a diet if their friend posts an unflattering picture on facebook. What level of motivation does your wife need to lose weight?

Third, can you give her that motivation? What does your SMV and dread level need to get her to diet?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's her choice whether or not to walk through the door to physical fitness. Question is...have you lead her to that door? Inspired her by asking her to watch Crossfit games on TV (yeah I know...Crossfit...but I can guarantee you my wife joined me in the gym the same week we watched hot, fit women lift heavy shit and look good doing it). Attempted to setup babysitting so she has the opportunity to go to a gym. Maybe mentioning some resources you found online. Bonus points if you do all this subtly. People love thinking they do what they do because they decided to do it. So instead of "hey if you want to start a program you can go here and here and here", say "I saw someone mention online a Les Mills body pump video. They say it worked well for weight loss...I'm more settled on muscle gain though so I dunno...". You're not telling her to go do it...but she now has a thing to try should she have the initiative, and she'll think it was her idea to look into it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Does she want to lose weight? That's the question to ask (rhetorically). If - and I doubt this is so - she is happy being overweight, then you are probably stuck in your current situation.

If she wants to lose weight and is unhappy with herself physically, then there are way more options...

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Honestly, losing weight is ridiculously easy if you have any sense of discipline and motivation. If she can't do it, move on.

[–]Nyquil-Junkie0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How do I deal with that?

As I am told, one rolls them in flour and goes for the wet spot.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She's over 200 right now.

I haven't read all the comments yet, but have you thought about getting some on the side? If you want to stay in this marriage and not resent the fuck out of your wife while you wait for her to lose a shit ton of weight, this is an option I haven't seen mentioned yet.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

K State had a professor that lost 27 pounds in 60 days restricting his diet to 1800 calories and proved that calorie counting does work, and further more. used a gas station of diet of Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Doritos to fill out those calories.

Try this book



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