Hi Guys. I need some serious help. I'm on MRP for almost 2 years now. I'm in my 30s.⋅ I'm married for 9 years to the first woman I've had (i.e. my count is 1). I have two kids. I've been total beta for all my live, just a textbook example of it (despite the fact that at work I'm may be alpha sometimes).
My parents are very strict to the point of extreme sometimes. At the age of 5 my dad broke my hand during the act of punishment. But long story short, when I get married to my wife I was the guy who was just unable to say "No" and had serious problems with masturbation addiction. And you all may guess what my marriage looked like after 1st year. It was a hell for me. No matter what I did she was bitching at me. I had no clue at that time. And to be fair, I saw my wife as a frightening monster. And if at first months sex was good, it has slowly subsided. I became to masturbate again. On the scale of 1 to 10 my marriage at that time was no more than 4.
But last two years of my live were truly amazing. Thank you guys, you've literally changed my live. I've gained almost 20 lbs of muscles, though I'm skinny yet. I don't feel embarrased being shirtless anymore. I've learnt how to pass shit test. She became a kitty in my eyes with whom I know how to play. Sex became hot and frequent again. Sometimes I even felt that I can give even 7 points to my marriage. The trend was positive and I looked forward to be new awesome me. Strong, confident, attractive.
One small detail. I'm living in a small distant town at the Northern part of Russia. Practicing PUA in my environment just impossible. Everyone knows everyone and rumors spread fast. But I've read a few books on PUA and played a few scened in my head where I get numbers with ease. This summer I've been for several weeks at a big city and tried my skilles a few times. It was awful! I was so nervous and clumsy. My ego had a huge punch.
Back to main story. Everything was perfect untill 2 weeks ago. She has slowly slipped into a deep depression. She just oozes depression around the house. Yesterday she told me that I don't care much about her. I know it's maybe some test, but I just can't pass it. That depression just drives me crazy. And I know, that maybe my problem is lack of IDGAF attitude. And I have no idea how to cure it. Each time when someone is angry at me even for a small reason, and even if I know that the person can't cause me any harm, I get really anxious, nervous, and literally scared that something terible may happens. And now each day I tell myself that she is not a monster, that I'm not a victim, but each time I see her depressed look I became depressed myself.⋅